Anxiety and Motherhood

I feel that anyone who has existing anxiety issues and finds themselves about to become a parent should be sent for counselling. Like: If you think you had worries and anxiety before? THINK AGAIN. Welcome to a whole new world of worries and anxieties, some of which are rational, but are mostly irrational, and stem from your existing (and pre-baby) low self esteem.

BAH. This is all I have to say for now. 

Chinese Style Cooking

Things I've learned from living with my Mum for a month, without anyone else in my family (e.g. Dad, Merlina, etc.):
- She is actually a really good cook
- She is good at selecting fresh fish
- She is very adventurous when it comes to cooking
- The 4 essential fresh ingredients for Chinese style cooking: spring onions, garlic, parsley [cilantro], and ginger

I will miss her a lot when she leaves on Sat ):

Missouri Fall

It has been a week since my Dad has left for Singapore. Since then, I have driven for the first time in my own, which has been incredibly stressful. I have also taken over planning and cooking all our meals, which is a lot more added work, in addition to taking care of the baby. I am very glad however, that my Mum chose to stay behind for another month to help Jon and me with the baby. I am sure we would have managed without her, but it would have been infinitely more stressful than it already is. I am very thankful.

This weekend, the weather was good, so Jon, my Mum, Baby, and I went to the Soulard Farmer's Market, Cherokee Antique Row, Forest Park, church, and finally the Missouri Botanical Gardens. It was a nice Fall weekend, and there were plenty of pretty red and yellow leaves all around, so we tried to make the most of the good weather. As a result, we are all tired out from the weekend. So today, my Mum and I elected to stay in to get some chores done. So far I have:
1) Made Applesauce, which baby hated
2) Cleaned the bathroom

Remaining chores:
1) Make Pumpkin Soup, from the pumpkin we got from Eckert's Farm last week
2) Make dinner of scallops, asparagus, and potatoes
3) Laundry
4) Sort through old, ill-fitting clothes

Real Life Math Questions

Question 1:
If a pack of Pampers Swaddlers Super Pack Size 2 Diapers costs $24.99 and contains 84 diapers, and a pack of Pampers Swaddlers Enormous Size 2 Diapers costs $39.99 and contains 148 diapers, what is the price difference per diaper?

Answer 1:
2 cents

Question 2:
If Target is offering a $10 gift card for buying any 2 packs of diapers, what would the price difference be then?

Answer 2:
0.2 cents

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Today my parents and I brought baby to the pediatrician, for her 4 month check up and vaccines. It was her first doctor's visit, since moving back to the United States. She was generally very happy, but when it came to the doctor's turn to examine her, she was not having it. Between either the unfamiliarity of the doctor (or maybe it was his beard?), and the fact that she was hungry and I was trying to push off feeding her until after she got her vaccines, she was incredibly upset. I was trying my best to ignore her screaming and listen to my conversation with her doctor when it suddenly got quiet and I turned around, and my Dad was holding her in his arms and feeding her, lol.

Anyway when the needle(s) went in - just like her 2 month round of vaccines - her mouth opened up and her face contorted in agony/rage/pain, but no sound came out for a few seconds. Then she gave several sharp yells and stopped, sucking on her fingers. Minimal fussing on her part, for something that I had been dreading for a while.

My baby is very brave, and she sure handles vaccines a lot better than I do as an adult. 

Observations at 30 Weeks and 3 Days

Today I am 30 Weeks and 3 Days pregnant. I am feeling quite uncomfortable, and am dreading the thought that things can only get more rather than less uncomfortable from here on in. That thought makes me feel quite put out, but I know there is little I can do except to wait things out. So far pregnancy has been everything that I thought it would be, but also a lot worse and filled with more unknowns that I could have imagined. Still, a tiny part of me thinks It'll be worth it.

Anyway so far here are the worst 3 symptoms of pregnancy that I've experienced:
1) Gastric issues: 'morning' sickness that lasted somewhat into the early weeks of my second trimester; elevated GERD and IBS issues that ensure my stomach is usually almost always in some sort of discomfort, which then leads to...

2) Insomnia and sleeping issues: since getting pregnant I've alternatively been so exhausted I feel like I can't function, or been in a constant state of worry that I can't sleep because of either hormones or stomach discomfort. I have gone several nights without being able to sleep at all because of either reason, and now the thought of whether I'll be able to sleep gives me anxiety. Since coming back to Singapore, I've experienced 4 nights worth of sleeplessness where I can't sleep a wink until 7am+ the next day.

3) Symphysis Pubic Dysfunction + whatever other strange new pain that has just cropped up: around Week 18 I started to slowly notice a pain cropping up in my pelvic area whenever I walked. After one particularly straining day when I walked through Central Park, the pain started to get very severe. For a while after getting after getting back to Singapore the pain abated, but is now definitely here to stay, as it has been for the last almost 3+ weeks. Basically it's a deep, wrenching pain that I feel in my pelvic area, and it particularly affects my right side. I would rate it a good 7.5/10 on the pain scale, and it tends to be the worst right when I get up from the bed after lying down. I read someone online describing it as feeling like being torn apart - and while that seemed a little dramatic to me, when I experience it, that description does feel very apt. Joining this pelvic pain, for the last 2 days, is a mysterious sharp pain I feel on the left side near my tailbone. I don't know if it's sciatic pain, or something else altogether, but it's very distinctively different from SPD. As a result now, from all the pain, I waddle around slowly and hope I don't make things any more worse.

Basically, pregnancy has been one of most physically and emotionally trying periods of my life. I really cannot understand how some women say they enjoy it, or feel like goddesses. I am definitely not one of them. The main perk is that if I don't think about things, I can sometimes go several minutes on end forgetting about how uncomfortable I feel.

A Random Day

Today was one of those days where I just followed a parent around, with no real goal in mind, and just enjoyed it unfold.

I woke up around 9:00 am+ as usual, getting just under 8h of sleep. I saw the time on my phone, noted that I had forgotten to plug it to be charged last night, and felt thankful anyway that I had managed to get around 7h of sleep. I continued slowly rolling around in bed, waiting for the pelvic pains to lessen, as I browsed reddit. Then, around 10:00 am, I finally got up and went downstairs to have breakfast. At about 11:30 am, my Dad returned home from exercising, and I quickly went upstairs to take a shower, because I wanted to join him when he went for lunch with Uncle Joo Leong. Around 12 noon, it started to rain really heavily, and we both got into the car to head to Bukit Panjang.

From about 12:30 pm to 2 pm, we hung out with Uncle Joo Leong at the Bukit Panjang hawker centre. We ate Mee Sua for lunch, from one of the famous stalls in the hawker centre, and also had wu xiang. Then my Dad went to hang out with one of his old mentees from China, He Chao, and so we picked him up from his apartment and headed to a canteen in Ngee Ann Poly. Around 3:30 pm, we left and my Dad then drove to Clementi to pick up Ryan from his day care centre - one of the rare few days that Ryan actually decided to attend school. Then, we headed to Ghim Moh around 4:15 pm, so I could pick up my new passport from the Singpost outlet there. While I lined up to get my passport, Ryan and my Dad went to the Ghim Moh hawker centre to eat Chee Kueh. By the time we arrived home, it was about 4:45 pm.

And thus this is how my random day unfolded, just whiling time away until baby arrives, by following my family around.

NLB

Today marks exactly a month since I've been back home in Singapore. As always, the month seems to have simultaneously gone by fast, yet also slowly. Things have largely been uneventful, which in a pregnancy is always a good thing. I have fallen into a quasi-schedule of prenatal pilates on Tuesday, and following my parents/mama around on other days, interspersed with little meetings with old friends in between.

Today was also a Thursday, and hence also a day where Ryan has an art workshop at Ng Teng Fong Hospital in Jurong East. I tagged along so I could visit the library branch there after we had lunch. Before this, I had gone to the library in NEX a few weeks prior, and had just finished my last library book a few days ago. Even though I did bring some books back from the US with me, they tended to be slightly more serious pieces of work - and I have not been in the mood for anything weighty.

Thus, my objective today was to return those library books, and borrow some new ones. Much like my previous visit to the library however, I noticed something odd about where I found books that caught my fancy. Just like my previous visit (discounting the quick 5 min return trip I made to the NEX library to borrow Book 2 and 3 of a series a few days later), I would go through rows and rows of library books and find absolutely nothing that I wanted to read, but would then chance about just one row where multiple books looked appealing. As a result, all the books I would/have ended up borrowing all had authors with names close to each other in the alphabet. In my previous visit it was the MAs - Juliet Marillier's Blackthorn and Grim series, and Jamie Mason's Three Graves Full. This visit there's a little more variation - a mixture of HAs, GUs, and a lone GR; making up 3 crime thriller style books, 1 trashy historical romance, and 1 slim slightly literary looking book (my one concession to serious thought?)

Anyway, I am very thankful that in Singapore, libraries are so easily to access and are thoughtfully scattered around the island in convenient locales. It helps that they are cheerfully designed, and always look like welcoming spaces.

27 Weeks

Today I am 27 weeks pregnant. I am happy that yet another week has passed, which means I have only x amount of weeks left of being pregnant. Today was also the first time I've gone to a prenatal exercise class in Singapore, some 2 weeks after arriving back home in Singapore. These past 2 weeks have felt both slow in their passing, and quick when I think back of them. I hope by establishing a routine of sorts and meeting up more with my friends, I can both feel more comfortable and get time to pass a little quicker.

The one upside about being back in Singapore is that because I am walking a lot less, and able to walk at a slower pace (no getting trampled like one would otherwise on the streets of NYC), most of my right pelvic pain has disappeared. However I think because I swam using the breaststroke a little too aggressively on Saturday, I managed to reignite my pelvic pain again. Hopefully if I don't aggravate it, it the right pelvic pain will go away soon, because it really does make walking and other physical activities that much more unpleasant. The one downside of being back however, is of course the weather. It boggles the mind how hot it can get here in Singapore, even though a part of me knows NYC in July and August is utterly miserable as well, with the AC in NYC being dodgy to boot. 

Unsettled/Sentimental

Tonight is my last night in New York City. I've lived here for about 4 and a half years, and have had the last 6 weeks to come to terms with the fact that I'm leaving New York City - but these 6 weeks seem to have flown by in a heartbeat (caveat: ask me how I would have felt 6 weeks ago and I'd have replied that these 6 weeks would probably feel unending). While I'm not exactly the world's biggest fan of New York City, and God knows I've got very many negative things to say about this city, it has been the city I've lived in the longest besides Singapore, and the 'devil that I know'. I have adapted to this dirty cesspit of a city; learned to weave around the giant piles of poo, learned to passively aggressively fight back when people cut me in line at Trader Joe's, learned the thousand-yard stare in the subway when a panhandler comes through (even started to recognise a few regulars after a while), and learned how to quickly spot dodgy characters in my peripheral vision and give them a wide berth, all the while never losing my sense of politeness and friendliness.

This somewhat abrupt departure from New York City - as opposed to the original end-of-June that Jon and I had been anticipating for years - also comes at a very tumultuous time in my life. Jon and I are going to have a child. I'm worried about being separated from Jon for 3 months, and then another 2 months. I'm pregnant and physically uncomfortable, with pretty bad pelvic pains and hormonal insomnia. I'm worried about the 3rd trimester, giving birth, and taking care of a new born. I'm worried about moving to a new city and adapting to a life there. In September when I return to the United States with a 2 month old baby, we will be going straight to St Louis via Seattle. No more New York City for us - which also sort of works given that Jon and I currently don't stay in a very child friendly part of town. Basically it's a lot to digest at one go, and I haven't even begun to process my emotions in a healthy way. Instead I've been either avoiding them, or been preoccupied by other pressing matters. Tonight however, there is no more time left, and I am unable to not think about leaving New York City and all it entails, despite the fact that I still have other pressing matters to think about and things to do.

I know of course that everything will ultimately work out, and be fine. That I am very blessed to be so loved and coddled by my in-laws, my parents, my friends, and my spouse. Still however, the negative and worrisome emotions remain - at least for tonight. I just hope that I will somehow be able to get some sleep tonight despite my emotional state, or tomorrow's flight will be a misery. Fingers crossed.

Lao Ma Spicy

Today I met Shirin for lunch at Lao Ma Spicy, by NYU. We ended up staying there for over two and a half hours, just chatting and enjoying the repeated water top-ups by the nice wait staff. Today also happened to be one of the warmest days NYC has had in a while, so for the first time in months I actually wore a light wool coat out and it was just right.

In total, I walked about 2.3 miles today, which hopefully is enough exercise for today. 

DMV Midtown Manhattan

Today I finally went to the DMV, after having put it off for an inordinate amount of time. Years ago when I switched my drivers license from New Jersey to New York, I had gotten so caught up with chatting to the lady who was doing my license that I didn't notice that she had entered my birth month as Aug (8) rather than March (3). Rectifying the error however required me to fax some documents in, and as a result I never got the error fixed until now when I realised that I needed to update my immigration status anyway.

The DMV was, as expected of a location right in Midtown Manhattan, busy and verging on chaotic. Still, I have to say that despite the large volume of people there, my visit was not unpleasant - most of the staff were polite and friendly enough (and definitely friendlier than the staff I remember in the NJ DMV). It was however, long, as I got shunted around because of my immigration status. I ended up spending an hour and a half there.

Even though I was really tired afterwards, I decided to walk back home, in hopes of getting exercise and physically tiring myself out more. Last night was another one of those terrible insomnia nights - I slept zero hours and had to leave home for my 10 am appointment at the DMV. When these nights happen, I really feel at my wits end and wonder how I can cope with another 4 more months, but somehow manage to keep on keeping on - during the daytime at least. In total, I managed to walk about 2 miles, with pits stops at Duane Reade, Burlington Coat Factory and Dos Toros. I hope the walk is enough to tire me out so I can at least take a nap in the afternoon, because not being able to sleep worries me a lot, especially as it affects the overall risk level of my pregnancy.

Now, as I sit in front of the desktop slowly taking bits of my Chicken plate from Dos Toros, I feel the physical exhaustion set in. I can feel my feet slightly throb still, and an ache in my tailbone (more pregnancy fun). I can also feel the heat rising within me from acid reflux, and the dryness of my eyes from yet another night of no sleep. I worry whether I will be able to even nap at all. Still, this morning, as I made a last ditch effort to try and get at least an hour of sleep, I felt several strong kicks in my abdomen. Though I feel utterly miserable physically and mentally, I am thankful at least for a sign that baby is well and active - and just maybe all of this suffering will not all be in vain.

Life Changes

In early Jan I flew home to Singapore for about a month. Right before that I been feeling very ill and weak from a whole host of gastrointestinal problems that had begun in late Nov, problems that I attributed to stress leading to a nasty flare up of irritable bowel syndrome, and gastroesophageal reflux disease - problems that I had been diagnosed with years before. This was to the extent that I had started losing weight; the only consolation I could glean from how miserable I felt.

On 15 Jan, while during an appointment with the gynae, I found out I was 14 weeks pregnant. I can safely say that the thought of me being pregnant had never once crossed my mind, and so I was incredibly shocked to see a wriggly fetus during the ultrasound. I had sat in the chair fully expecting the ultrasound to bring up cysts in my ovaries (I had been diagnosed with polycystic ovarian syndrome years ago), and instead there was a fetus, complete with heart beat and spine. I had somehow passed the entire first trimester in complete ignorance of the fact that I was now carrying another being inside of me. I can also safely say now that I know exactly how, physiologically, how shock feels.

Since then I've have faced a whole wide ranging host of emotions. Breaking the news to my friends and family was crazy and also entertaining, but at night I worried about the logistics of everything - Jon and I were supposed to move to St. Louis in late June for his fellowship, and baby's estimated delivery date is 16 July. Then there was the issue of air travel, was I well enough to travel back to NYC; and is it a good idea for me to stay there to give birth? In the end Jon and I decided that I will fly back to Singapore for the 3rd trimester, and give birth there. Jon also managed to postpone the start date of his fellowship to Aug, and so will spend July in Singapore.

Still worry about a whole host of everything, even though the big questions have been settled. Currently at 19 weeks, these are the things I worry about: Will baby turn out fine and healthy? Will I be able to sleep tonight (because I've been getting bad insomnia as a result of pregnancy hormones)? How much more uncomfortable will the 3rd trimester be (because I've had a shitty time so far)? Am I going to get gestational diabetes, or pre-eclampsia? How horrible is the birthing experience going to be? What will living in a new and unfamiliar city be like with a baby? And so the list of worries goes on, and there isn't really anything that can be done about these worries except to soldier on and let time pass, which is perhaps the most difficult thing about it all.