Surging Waves

I think the saying that 'God doesn't give you more than you can handle' is utter bullshit. Because time and time again, I find myself completely levelled and having to rebuild from scratch again. And each time it is so emotionally draining and painful. It is more than I can handle. And I'm so tired of everything again. Just as I think I can relax a little, everything becomes upended again and I find myself once against gasping for air, struggling against the surging waves. 

What God does do however, is he gives me little outs. Each time they take different forms. And these outs are like little tiny floats amongst the violent seas. This time maybe it is the overwhelming support and company of friends and family. But it feels almost akin to jumping out of a plane without a parachute, and God only leaves little throw pillows scattered all over the ground to catch your fall. It is so terrifying, and feels so insufficient for the entirety of everything going on. 

Wild Rice

 

Last night I watched Can I Make You a Suit Mate? at the Wild Rice theatre in Funan with Shu. It was the first local production that I have seen in a long time, and I think by my reckoning it was probably the best live production that I have ever seen. I really liked the combination of history, humour, and heartwarming. It was the most I have laughed in quite a while.

Birthday Week

I turned 36 this week. For that, and a bunch of other reasons, I ended up having a particularly busy (but still lovely) week. I think it was the first time in at least a decade that I spent my birthday in Singapore, which of course is now going to be a more regular occurrence now that I have relocated back here. I spent a good chunk of the past week exercising and meeting with people. On Sunday last week I met up with Daryl, Ted Kin, and Gen in Punggol to walk around Coney Island. Then on Wednesday I climbed Bukit Timah Hill with my parents, via Rifle Range Nature Park. After both times my knees ached, and I was so tired and brain foggy for the rest of the day. I also did yoga twice, once on Monday and once on Friday.

On Monday this week, both E and M still didn't have school, so they had spent Sunday overnight at my parent's place. After yoga, I went over and together my mum and I brought the girls out to eat Japanese food at Cuppage Plaza and to play at the indoor playground in Centrepoint. On Tuesday, M still didn't have school, so I brought her to McDonalds for Hotcakes, upon her request. Then in the afternoon, I met up with A Chew for a quick chat about career and life things. After hanging out with him I went to have a teh ping and a yummy plaster prata at the cafe downstairs. It was the first time I had seen/had a plaster prata with a slightly runny egg, but was tasty nonetheless. 

Wednesday was the walk with my parents. There were several points where it felt like the climb on the steps was so steep, that my heart would just explode from beating so hard. I felt like I would almost pass out at one point. I got to the summit first, but was half wondering if my mother would be able to make it up - and she did! After that we all went home for a quick shower, then lunch at the new Woodleigh Hawker Centre, which was really nice and airy. I had prawn mee and also ordered some wu xiang, which I thoroughly enjoyed. Then my parents dropped me off at Potong Pasir, since I had a counselling appointment there. 

Thursday was my birthday itself, and I went to meet Chong Wee downtown near his workplace for lunch. We met at a Korean restaurant where he is a regular, and the ban chan there was really good. I particularly enjoyed the mung bean jelly in soy sauce - it was my first time having that as a ban chan. In the morning, prior to leaving to meet CW, I had been working on a cover letter for job applications, and so after I got home I continued to work on it. Then Uncle KL came, and after we picked up E from her tuition class at 4pm, we went to Thomson Plaza to walk around and eat an early dinner. I picked Hans, because I hadn't had it in a while, and it always invokes a nostalgic mood in me (the girls will almost always choose Japanese food given a choice, and I am actually getting sick of it for the first time in my life). I had the Hainanese pork chop, which is always enjoyable. 

Friday was a busy day where I tried to cram in as many things as I could. I went for yoga and then a massage, and the result was that I found myself scrambling for time. At the Holland Village Hawker Centre, I basically wolfed down a dry wanton mee in 5 minutes. I don't think I have eaten that fast in my life. The irony is that afterwards, when I had to queue up for a teh ping at my usual place, the wait time was probably equivalent to the time I spent rushing to eat. I also bought chicken macaroni from a stall there, since I know E usually love to eat it. I took the MRT home and took a quick shower, and got to see the girls for a little bit before my Grab came. Ianthe had asked me to hang out and watch a movie kind of last minute, but I was pleased to meet up regardless. We ended up catching the 2:15pm showing of Wuthering Heights, and it was every bit the pretty, toxic, and cringy mess that I thought would be. I laughed out loud at several times, and was so amused by Ianthe dying in the seat next to me. The guy in front watching was also hilarious, because I could see his incredulous body language too at certain scenes. Then after hanging out for a bit, I took a bus to meet Uncle KL at Tanglin Mall where we had dinner, and walked around a little. I was really tired after I got home and wanted to go to sleep early, but I ended up playing RDR2 instead, and finally finished Arthur Morgan's story arc at 10:20pm, which felt nice and productive too.

This morning I have been doing some other errands like applying for more jobs and sending out other emails. I also told myself I should sit down and journal the past week out, and I suppose I have at least accomplished that. In a short while I need to get ready to meet CW for lunch in Chinatown, then we will meet up with Gen before going to a book launch on the Aware saga at Book Bar in Duxton. 

It has been a tiring and busy week, and I do wish my sleep was better, but overall things are on an upward trajectory. I have also gotten back into my hobby of cross stitching, namely because it is infinitely more useful than crochet or knitting here (but I do miss those too of course, and will probably return to them at some point). I finished this a few weeks ago:

And I am currently working on this now:

Flying Solo

I haven't flown on a plane alone for many years now, not since I became a mother. IT. It feels weird to think about not having to worry about jetlag, exhaustion, and being stuck with bored children on a plane. 

I was so early at the gate that the lights weren't even switched on yet. And though my gate was physically located in Terminal 3 (Gate B10), it was basically 20m from Terminal 1. So I walked into Terminal 1 and wandered around. 

I found a sign that said Cactus Garden and so I followed it, and disappointingly it turned out to be the Smoker's Corner. Then I wandered around more and found this koi pond in T1. For some reason the majority of the fish are clustered around this one particular spot in the pond, I wonder why.

Motherhood

On Thursday in between dropping the girls off at Chinese tuition (with Rosie's help to swap them in-between, since M has a 30 min session, followed by E having a 1hr session with the same Chinese teacher), I finally took the time to go for a manicure and pedicure nearby. It's something that is nice to do, that I maybe get done less than 5 times a year, and usually only when I am in Singapore. I like having nice nails with nail polish on them, but it is of course something unnecessary and an indulgence. Anyway after thinking about getting it done for a few weeks, I finally found a good gap of time to go get it done. 

The place I went to ended up charging quite a lot for gel nail polish, so I decided to get regular nail polish to save money. The danger of course with regular nail polish is that it takes quite some time to dry, and is prone to smudging and damage when it is wet. I entered the nail salon at 3pm, and I was keeping an eye on the clock the entire time because I had to pick E up at 4pm from her class. At 5 mins to 4pm, I asked the manicurists to stop the fans so I could go, and she even helped me slowly put my sandals on to avoid any smudging. 

E was already waiting for me outside the classroom when I got there, and she was happy to see me. Then she said she wanted a drink, and there was a vending machine outside. Because I was still afraid of damaging my nails, I got her to pick my wallet out of my bag, and taught her how to insert the coins and choose her drink. Then I even got her to get a drink for me. We were both really happy with what we had done, and then we crouched down to put my wallet back in my bag and boom, E landed her left knee right smack on my right big toe, completely destroying the polish that had just been applied. I felt slightly frustrated, but knew it was a genuine mistake. E was really apologetic too, and now there was a streak of dark red on her knee, almost like she had fallen down and bloodied her knee. I sighed inwardly, and chalked it up to yet another motherhood thing - the inevitable sacrifice of self that we make when we have children. 

We walked back home without incident, and when I got home we were immediately greeted by M, Rosie who was playing with her, and Mama who was downstairs too. After we went into the house, I told both Mama and Rosie about what had happened with the nail polish, and how it had been ruined within minutes because of E, and immediately M started to get really hyper and excited and jumped on my left foot, attempting to smear the polish on my left big toe. I got really frustrated because she was obviously doing it on purpose and thought it was funny, and of course she finally succeeded. I was pretty pissed and scolded her, but she unrepentantly said it was because she wanted to mess up another nail just like her sister did, and to get them to match. SIGH.

I'm really too tired now to expound further on how this whole experience has basically been an metaphor for my experience with motherhood. Of course being a parent requires sacrifice, but it has taken so much more from me than I have expected. I have already given so much of myself that I constantly feel that I have lost myself along the way, and it seems that any time I try to carve anything out for myself, things come to back me back in the ass. Life's cudgel, beating me back into a corner and saying, "How dare you try to be your own person? Now you must suffer these consequences." And amidst everything else that has happened, and though I love my girls more than anything else in the world, is yet another source of bitterness as I look back on the last 10 years.

Being Back

I arrived with my Mum, the girls, and 50lbs x 8 luggages on the evening of 8 Dec 2025. During the entire 18 hour flight I ended up not watching anything for the first time. Instead I read a book (Everyone in this Room Will Someday Be Dead by Emily Austin) and read Manhwa on my phone.

Last week was spent getting over jetlag, and getting reoriented again. I realised weirdly that because I had only been away for 4 months this time, my shortest time in between visits in decades, it felt like I had never left to begin with at the end of Aug. However in between these few months I have also endured so much suffering and pain, that it felt absurd to realise that it really had only been a few months since I was last in Singapore. Yet all the same I felt like I had aged a decade in the interim. 

This week was getting the girls set up for a life in Singapore. We bought E's school uniforms on Monday, and I started both her and M on some Chinese classes. Meanwhile the Ikea furniture I ordered arrived and my Dad spent a lot of the week fixing most of it up (I helped when I could, but mostly I had to be with the girls and watching them). Next week we will move over to Mama's house, and my parent's home where I grew up will no longer be my base in Singapore. 

I've been listening to 3 songs by The Killers a fair amount lately. Not sure what that says about my state of mind. When You Were Young, Human, and All These Things I've Done play on and off intermittently in my head. In general I don't want to think too much, so I don't. I am actively aware that I am actively refusing to think, but I don't quite think I'm in a state of denial. When I met Ianthe and JH last week they talked about me perhaps being in a dissociative state, and maybe that's what I am in for now.

NYC Novels

I finished reading Saint Mazie by Jeni Attenberg earlier today, and am now starting Open City by Teju Cole. Coincidentally, both books are set in NYC. Open City even starts with a mention of Morningside Park and the Cathedral of St. John the Redeemer, places that were right by Columbia University, where I started my American life 11 years ago. I didn't know where life would take me then, and I can fully say I still don't know where life will take me now. 

It's been a difficult year, and this last third of the year has been excruciatingly painful and difficult. I am battered and will bear these scars for the rest of my life, but I am somehow still here on this plane of existence. I don't know why, but I am. For better or worse it also seems like my continued existence and well-being means a lot to the people around me, so I guess I have no choice but to continue to soldier on regardless of the pain, out of my love for them. But I am tired and weary, and feeling no less lost and afraid of the unpredictability of the future than I was 11 years ago.

May this year be the most difficult one in my life, because I don't think I can survive another one like it.

Shows

Last night Jon and I finished watching the first seasons of Attack on Titan. It was not a show I anticipated ever watching, after having tried it for a bit years ago and giving up on it.

Going on a Bear Hunt

From July to August, I spent 7 weeks in Singapore with the girls (Jon was there for the first 2 weeks - we went to Batam as an extended family with my parents and Mama, and his friend Varun and Ishita came over from India to visit us too). It was a long and exhausting 7 weeks, and I got to meet up and spend a lot of time with my friends and loved ones, which I really appreciated. At the same time my Dad was dealing with a bunch of health problems, which was also stressful and worrying, luckily those managed to be resolved. Back in NJ however, Jon was staying in our half-renovated house, which had now finally moved into the construction stage after almost 2 years of being held up by permits.

I was not looking forward to going back to NJ. I have few close friends here, it feels like a land that I don't quite belong in, and the house was in complete disarray. For example, we have been here for over a month, and we still have no fully functioning kitchen. I suppose it's just as well that I have no appetite and am not eating much now anyway. I've managed to lose close to 7 lbs over the last 2 weeks. 

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These days I think about the book/song Going on a Bear Hunt. Can't go over it, can't go under it, just gotta go through it. 

I've also been listening to a lot of Korn recently. Shortly after I arrived back to the US I went to the System of a Down & Korn concert at the Metlife Stadium in East Rutherford. I really wanted to go because I love System of a Down, but at the concert I gained a new appreciation for Korn. Falling Away From Me resonates very strongly with me these days. 

Snapshot of Kid-Free Thursday

E's kindergarten ended last week for the Summer, and since we will be going to Singapore for pretty much the entire Summer, we decided to let the girls stay at Lolo and Lola's house in Long Island for the week, while I knocked out a bunch of medical appointments. I went to yoga today as usual, and as usual because I am suffering in class and want to think about anything else than my discomfort at the moment, my mind started wandering and so I decided I wanted to make a short post about today. I've also recently gotten into doing puzzles thanks to Shirin's influence, and with the delivery of a dedicated folding puzzle table I wanted to attempt my first 1,000 piece puzzle.

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Current Short-Term (hopefully) Health Problems: Slightly painful aching left big toe, pulled a muscle there about 2 weeks ago. Cracks all the time now. Heartburn, because I've had to taper off Omaprazole in anticipation for tomorrow's Endoscopy.

Long-Term Health Problems I Need to Address: High cholesterol, pre-diabetes (thanks to the medical appointments I had on Monday)

Breakfast: Overnight oats with chia seeds, blueberries, strawberries, and a touch of maple syrup

Morning Tea: Yorkshire tea with milk and sugar

Reading: False Confession Manhwa (features PTSD, which I find interesting)

Playing: Red Dead Redemption 2 (even though I haven't finished the DLC for KCD2 yet, but Henry is the best and I want to drag things out as long as I can)

Fiber Project: Knitting the Ridge Tank Top in Knitting for Olive Cotton Merino, but might switch to some other things for the Singapore trip

Puzzle: The New Yorker Bodega Cat by New York Puzzle Company 

Lunch: Going to met Julie to have Mul-Naengmyeon in Closter

It's nice to chill out without the kids in my own space, and feel like my own human again. But of course I miss them, and the house feels too quiet without them around.