I just came back from yoga class and I feel (like always) that I have been through the wringer and that I now need a nap. Although I mainly go for the health and exercise benefits, I do like listening to the little talks the teachers give at the beginning of the classes. One big theme in yoga is about appreciating and being thankful for various things in your life, and of course it being the end of the year, this was the one the teacher picked to talk about - a year in review sort of thing.
Well I was thinking about it as I was working out (between the grunting and feeling like I am going to die from doing all this physical work), and I thought about how incredibly lucky and blessed I was this very day, and that just years ago this would have been unthinkable, and how far I (and the rest of my family) has come.
I still remember the worst New Year's Eve, it was in 2020 (into 2021). Covid was in full swing, so we hadn't seen our families in ages. I was feeling isolated in St Louis, because I didn't have any close friends, and all the neighbours I was friendly with were spending time with their own families. But of course, Jon has work, though he said he could come home early. However as the day progressed, he kept texting that he kept being held back at work. An expected arrival home around noon became 2pm, 2pm became 3pm, 3pm because 4pm... etc. In the end he came home around 6 or 7pm that night, basically normal working hours. I ended up crying and having a huge breakdown sometime in the afternoon because I was so upset. I remember being on the main level of our Sarawood house, and lying on the red bean bag crying. Meanwhile toddler Elizabeth was aware something was wrong, and I recall her trying to give me tissues or a hug, and then wandering off to do something else. I felt so lonely and alone, and overwhelmed with being the primary caregiver all the time.
Today however, I am typing in a peaceful and quiet house. The girls are staying with their grandparents in Long Island. After spending a week travelling all over to see family (Aunty WY and her family + Mama in Maryland, my in-laws in Long Island), Jon and I left the girls at my in-laws so we could clean the house and get things done. I just came from a yoga class, then I am going to fix a simple lunch for myself, knit a little, and clean the girls' bathroom upstairs. At some point I also need to fold the laundry, maybe mop the floor (or persuade Jon to do it when he gets home later), shower and take a nap. Then tonight, we will go see Billy Joel in concert in NY, and then head over to my in-laws. Tomorrow we will drive back with the girls to NJ, to resume our usual grind on Thursday. I am grateful that I have the chance to do these things, and be with the people I love. Going forward, my greatest wish for the new year is that M will start sleeping through the night/by herself, so I can get undisturbed sleep and feel like a functioning human again.
