Last Spin in St Louis

 

This will be the last spin I will ever do in St Louis, Missouri. It is corriedale, and from two braids (so 8oz total) that I bought off a dyer on Fiber Market Place. I will probably keep it as a single and hopefully use it for both warp and weft on my rigid heddle loom, after we move to New Jersey and get settled. If it wasn't for St Louis (and by extension the more relaxed nature of the Midwest), I don't think I would have nearly learned or picked up as much, or as fast, as I did in the fiber arts world. It is yet another thing that I will miss dearly after yet I leave here, but sometning I'll take with me for the rest of my life.

We have less than a week left in St Louis, and next week at this time we should be in Indianapolis. We are shipping our items in PODs, and will be driving the cars (and kids) together with my Dad, who has been staying with us the last month to help with the move. I am very nervous about the move and settling into NJ, but I know that I am in the best of company for doing so. 

St Louis, I will miss you and its people.

My Days

My time spent every day is basically spent in a few broad categories:

1) Keep kids alive

2) Keep kids stimulated/enriched (that is, not parked in front of a device)

3) Cook

4) Clean

5) Laundry

6) House errands, like grocery shopping, addressing emails and things regarding the house

7) Keeping myself sane

8) Making sure I get adequate rest so I can perform the more critical duties like number 1

And thanks to Madeleine not sleeping by herself any more (she will instead scream/cry for 2h 30min+ without napping - that's the longest I've held out so I'm not sure how long she can actually tolerate), my time for doing all of these things is woefully constrained. 

Last night was the neighbourhood Block Party. While I really enjoyed it, it did push everyone's bed time later, and then E was awake throwing a fit in the middle of the night. I ended up sending her late to school. Meanwhile M is as clingy as ever and not sleeping alone. I know it's only these 2 weeks that I'm flying solo, and while I relish being independent and being able to make my own decisions with zero input as to how to spend the day, I am just tired.

Bye Pin Oak, Bye Silver Maple

When we first moved into our first

 house, it was partly because Jon and I fell in love with the landscaping and all the trees. In particular, I loved the big Pin Oak in our front yard. It provided a lot of nice shade, especially in the summer. As we don't have much space in the back yard, I used to inflate the baby wading pool/sprinkler toy in the front yard, under the shade of the tree, which was fine because we lived on such a quiet street anyway.

However we are are moving in a few months, and both big trees in our front yard, the Pin Oak and the Silver Maple, are sick and dying. Today the tree people finally came to cut them down, and I am feeling very sad. It costs over 5k to get them removed, and their loss will be keenly felt, especially since so many big trees have been dying around our little subdivision of Morwood Hills. Once shaded streets now feel the full blast of the Midwest sun. Maybe we will plant a new tree before we go, maybe we will leave it to the new house owners, but either way the removal of those trees is just yet another stage in our departure from St Louis.

Edit: this is how M has decided to watch the tree chopping 

The Very Hungry Caterpillar

Last week at Aldi, I bought 2 bags of Gala apples. This is because I noticed E had been eating a lot of apples recently, so I thought 2 bags of apples (3 pounds for each bag?) would be enough for us to last the week-ish until my next Aldi shop. When I opened both bags of apples, they overflowed out of the fruit bowl and into another container. Today after buying a bag of oranges from Sam's Club, I went to put them in the fruit bowls and found a grand total of 2 apples left. 2. Apples. I don't know how on earth she finished them all, because Jon doesn't eat apples (allergy), and M sure as heck doesn't know what to do with one. I eat apples at the rate of about 1 a day, but in order to have finished all the apples, E must have been eating about 4 a day. I am both befuddled and amazed.

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Last Sunday, I attended a beginner's drop spindle class as part of the Midwest Fiber Festival to learn how to spin yarn. I've been trying to practice everyday (10 minutes at least), and it's quite a fun new rabbit hole to get involved in. The class was 4h long, and at the end of it my mind and eyes were swimming from the sheer effort of focusing so long on a single thing - something I haven't done in years. At the same time, I haven't spent so long on just one non-child related thing in years. After that, I browsed the vendors at the Midwest Fiber Festival, and learnt a lot of new spinning/fiber vocabulary from the kind and knowledgeable vendors (combed/carded/top/batts/staple). Then I went to run errands. So I was gone from the house for close to 7 hours, which is definitely the longest Jon has been left alone with the girls. When I got home, Jon said he never knew they fought so much, haha. 

Anyway, this is how much yarn I've spun for the past week. As much as I enjoy the process so far, and all the new knowledge it brings, I'm still not sure what to do with the yarn I've spun. I'm not the best crocheter, and I don't really know how to knit. Still, there's something in the act of spinning that feels meditative, and makes me feel connected to history, like the huge nerd I am.

Muse

Last night, Jon and I attended a Muse concert at the Chaifetz Arena. It was a nice size, big yet cosy at the same time, and the surrounding infrastructure much less messy than the Enterprise Center. I have been listening to Muse a lot on and off since I was about 16, and seeing them live was one of my big wishes. This concert was by far, the best live act I have ever seen. 

Evanescence was the second act playing last night (we missed the opening act because of the kids), and we managed to catch the show in the nick of time. Then Muse came on at 9pm and played for a solid 2 hours, and it was amazing with the changing sets, pyrotechnics and assorted exploding confetti. As usual, they had a solid setlist that told a narrative, and yet incorporated a lot of older hits from almost all of their albums. I'm thankful that I finally got to see them live.

Reddit Comment

The best Reddit comment for Feb 2023 goes to the user who commented:

"Goodnight room,
Goodnight moon,
Goodnight Chinese high altitude surveillance balloon."

Cookie Baking and Breaking

 

Today out of the blue, Jon texted about how the nurses at the place he was rotating at were asking about cookies. Since I was planning the stay in today anyway, because it was a snow day (a failed winter storm that just became winter weather, boo), I decided to oblige and bake cookies. This time, I decided I'd break up the mixing of the dough into two batches, hoping it would result in a more even chocolate chip distribution in the dough. I felt very clever and thought this would prevent frustration on my end. In the end that strategy worked, but somehow during the process I managed to break two things. First, I somehow broke the plastic tupperware holding the sugar when I tried to use it as a scoop to get the sugar out of the sack - too much force? The second was when I was trying to use a plastic Chinese soup spoon to scoop portions of dough out of the mixing bowl. The handle snapped off, startling me. I continued to use it, but the broken end did feel a little sharp. When I was done, I tossed both broken items.

Anyway, at least the cookies turned out perfect. It's always hard figuring the timing out, because my oven seems to be less warm than the purported temperature, and I prefer cookies on the crunchier side. This time, with about 15 mins at 375 Fahrenheit, the cookies turned out crunchy on the outside and soft on the inside. Hooray!

Happy Things

Things that have made me happy/inordinately excited recently (besides the usual happiness from Family and Seasonal Events):

1. Top freezers being installed in my local Aldi - twice the freezer space for more things for sale! 

2. Yarn Com - a yarn store/crafting space opening up in Creve Coeur, checking it out yesterday on it's opening day, and learning that they're planning to have a floor loom installed inside. Maybe they'll have Spinning and Table/Floor loom lessons too?

3. Finding a 2nd hand 10" Schacht Cricket Rigid Heddle Loom for sale on FB marketplace nearby, learning how to use it and weaving my first piece. Then learning about weaving on Rigid Heddle Looms in general

4. Then finding someone in Springfield IL selling a 2nd hand 32" Ashford Rigid Heddle Loom on FB Marketplace, and her driving all the way to St Louis to sell it to me, and then learning how to use it and weave my first piece on it

5. Learning how to make good Cantonese-style soup - learned it from my Mum. As I type this, I'm boiling Pork Ribs and Lotus Soup. I've also learned to not be afraid of adding dates and goji berries to soup.

6. Reading and finishing the Shadow and Bone trilogy by Leigh Bardugo - I first read the Six of Crows duology in 2019 when I was student teaching, and loved it, I purchased Shadow and Bone on my Kindle sometime later, but never started it. I managed to borrow the other two books of the trilogy from the STL County Library, and immensely enjoyed the series. I then also finished the first season of Shadow and Bone on Netflix, and am also awaiting the second season. 

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As an aside, on Monday I picked up a stroller wagon from someone off FB marketplace. She lived off Carman Road in Ballwin. When I was driving in the area to her place, I noticed how incredibly hilly that area was, and also noticed to my immense satisfaction that the road names were geographically accurate; roads with Heights and Ridge in their name were on ridges, and Valley was really a valley. This made the Geography nerd in me very pleased, especially since it's more common that not that these terms are applied willy-nilly to developments and roads because they 'sound nice'. 

Time

I got a message today from Aunty Cindy, wishing me and my family happy holidays. In the message, she told me that Pen was now in her first year of Uni. That message and thinking about how old Pen is now just makes me feel incredibly nostalgic, and also makes me just marvel at how all the time has passed. My two girls are now roughly the same age as Pen and Viv were, when I first met them back in 2009.

I first met Aunty Cindy, Uncle Bill, and their two girls when I went to London to study. They had lived in London for the longest time, and I had never met my Dad's cousin before that. Even after my Dad left, I'd meet up with them every once in a while, navigating the shitty TFL weekend transit links, to make my way to their place around the Finchley Road area. Once for a week, I even babysat Pen and Viv, when their nanny went back to the Caribbean for a vacation home.

My memories of my time spent with them over the 3 years come in little blips and blobs. Viv around 2 years old, covering herself with a sheet and pretending to be a ghost and running around, before smacking full force into a piano, and my incredulous response when Uncle Bill and Aunty Cindy just cracked up in laughter before consoling their upset child (I am now in this same school of parenting). Pen talking about how she wanted to buy a truck when she grew up, so she could transport her art work and supplies around easily. The two girls bamboozling me into reading them entire books at bedtime (when Uncle Bill came home, he said they usually only read a few pages). The feeling I had when I picked Pen up from school, waiting with all the nannies, and making sure I had adequate snacks (grapes) for the journey back to their home. Viv running Thomas the Tank Engine up all my arms and my head, until my hair got stuck wound tight around the train, and Aunty Cindy had to cut me free. Watching them brush their teeth, and then eating the toothpaste afterwards instead of gargling and spitting it out (I now see this with E of course, kids toothpaste and all that). 

My interactions with Pen and Viv were my first real meaningful interactions with children as an adult. Watching and learning from Uncle Bill and Aunty Cindy also provided frameworks for how I have ended up deciding to parent (largely chilled out, the kids will be fine). And at the same time all 4 of them provided an anchor for me in London as I learned how to become a young adult and navigate my own mental health. 

Since leaving London in 2012, I haven't seen the girls at all. A few years after that Aunty Cindy sent something that included a picture of the girls, and I stuck it up over my desk in Singapore. In 2017, Uncle Bill came to my wedding in in New York City, and a few years later Aunty Cindy came to visit NYC, and Jon and I met up for a meal with her then. Messages and emails go back and forth ever so often, but it wasn't until today that I really stopped and realised that 10 years has passed since I've been in London, and seen them all in person. I am grateful that Aunty Cindy always remembers to message, especially when I forget and feel like I'm in the thick of things.

Halloween Candy

For the last two years after Halloween, I've been getting obsessed with different types of candy. Last year it was Reeses Peanut Butter Cups, and this year it's Three Musketeers. It starts with me rummaging through E's substantial pile of junky treats and fishing out a few pieces, then devolves into me googling the aforementioned candy on Wikipedia (why? useless knowledge acquisition perhaps?) and then lastly scouring for the cheapest possible place to acquire more of the candy. Last year it was Walgreen's the day after Halloween for clearance Reeses Peanut Butter Pumpkins. This year it was Walmart, some two weeks after Halloween itself, for a small pack of two full-size bars of Three Musketeers, after slowly going through E's pile for tiny morsels. 

Halloween was fun this year. We all dressed up as a family with a theme. Jon was a bumblebee, E was a butterfly, M was a ladybug, my Mum was Autumn leaves, and I was a flower. This year I also got to partake in the spiked Apple cider that a neighbour was offering - and it was very good! Halloween is definitely one of my favourite holidays. 

Covid-19

About two weeks ago, we finally got striken with Covid-19. I had been sick a few days before (starting Tuesday), and tested negative on Wednesday. Regardless of my status, I started to feel ill on Wednesday and Thursday, and was starting to feel sort of better by Saturday. Sunday however, Jon woke up feeling ill and we tested ourselves + the girls, and boom, the tests were all positive. I was still feeling OK however, and wondered if my earlier bout was Covid-19 and I just hadn't known. I thought maybe the worst was over, and I was patient zero and had unknowingly spread it to my poor family. 

Then Monday came around, and by late morning I was rapidly feeling terrible. By early afternoon, I wanted to go to the hospital because I felt so weak and in so much pain and discomfort from stomach issues, and I was throwing up repeatedly. Adding to my stress was that the girls were sick, and E was running high (or at least what felt to me like high) fevers at night, and I still had to take care of M as she woke up repeatedly screaming in the middle of the night. Finally on Wednesday mid-morning, I started to feel somewhat human again, and no longer dreaded being conscious and awake. Thursday, I think I brought the kids out for a short walk around the neighbourhood, and felt utterly drained afterwards. All I can say is, the experience sucked, and I am so very thankful that my Dad was with us the whole time AND had already gotten Covid-19 recently, and so he escaped getting infected this time and was able to help with the children, chores, and making food. 

Since then, my Dad and I (with the girls), visited Aunty WY and Uncle George in the D.C. area. We went from last week Tuesday to Saturday, and it was nice seeing them again after a few years. Lauren and Alex also swung by for dinner one night. It was a nice short trip, though I really did not enjoy having to share a room with M at night (as if taking care of her and her constant wakeups wasn't painful enough).

Today, E started her first day of Preschool. I wasn't able to get the cute photos and dress her up nicely because I had a migraine that started yesterday in the early evening, and E also woke up late because she had a stomachache in the wee hours (cue: blood curling screaming at 5am). So she went to school late, while I staggered around disoriented after a shitty night. 

Anyway after E and I got home from the park (her request before she went to school), we saw one of neighbours, Cathy, fixing her fence and coughing away. E saw this and said, "Oh! She has Covid". And I just burst out laughing.

Singapore - May to July 2022

For the last one and a half months, the girls and I have been back in Singapore. We flew off with Jon and my Mum on 15 May, and arrived on 17 May. It was the worst flight on my life to date, travelling with 2 children, and transiting in LAX. The girls took turns being cranky and upset, and as a result Jon and I got barely any rest during the flight(s), plus I still had to find ways to squeeze in pumping breastmilk/dealing with being engorged and in discomfort. Then trying to schlep all our luggage from the domestic terminal to the international terminal was another ordeal in itself. Luckily the LAX international terminal in itself was pleasant, and the TSA agents there were actually really nice (the best I've experienced so far). Still, it was a total of 25 hours of travelling time (not including the wait from when we left our house in St Louis), and it felt like every single minute of it. 

Anyway I arrived back to Singapore, and within 6 hours was promptly hit by one of the worst colds I've had in my life with a fever and chills. It was shit and I basically spent the whole week out of it, so Jon and I were unable to do many touristy things with the girls. In the end we at least managed to visit the SEA aquarium the Friday afternoon of the following week, just before Jon was due to fly off back home. Jon and I also managed to go out together briefly, without the girls, for lunch on Saturday, which was nice. But in general it was a pretty low key week.

After Jon left, I moved back to my parent's place with E. Before that we had been staying at Mama and Yeh Yeh's place (M had been long sent to the care of my parents and Merlina, because I had physically collapsed so spectacularly after arriving back in Singapore). It took a little time getting used to the schedule of my family again, and we sort of fell into my parent's usual routine:

Mondays are when my Dad has to bring Yeh Yeh and Rosie (their helper) to acupuncture in Toa Payoh. So E and I have been follwing them them, and usally go to the library to wait until my Dad has finished checking Yeh Yeh in, before we have lunch together. On Tuesdays, Ryan has art class so we all go for lunch (M included), and while Ryan has his art class at the Devan Nair Institute, M has a baby spa session where she floats about a small tub with an inflatable tube around her neck. Wednesdays/Thursdays/Fridays the past few weeks have been when E and I either go out for lunch with Uncle KL or Mama. Saturdays are when Ryan has swimming lessons at Clementi, so E and I wander around Clementi central having a snack or going to the library in the interrim, then we have lunch out with my parents. Lastly on Sundays, my Dad goes to church in the mornings, then has to take care of Yeh Yeh from lunch time to mid-afternoon, and so I usually try to follow him out with E when he goes out to buy lunch for all of us. When I have gone out with friends, it's generally been for dinners that start at either 7 or 7:30pm (which feels unfanthomably late to me as the mother of two young children), and after this upcoming weekened, I would have pretty much met everyone that I have aimed to meet. 

On 14 July, in a week's time, I'll be heading off to St Louis with my Dad and the girls. I'm not looking forward to the actual flight back, and am feeling a little anxious about leaving behind this new routine (routines are a salve for my generalised anxiety), but I am looking forward to being back in my own house. The temperature in St Louis however, has been insane the past week, hovering been about 100 to 110 Fahrenheit (which I don't even want to think about in terms of Celcius because it would then make the horror concrete), so I hoping that at least abates a little before we arrives back. Still haven't begun packing yet, but I don't think there will be much to pack. 

'Good' Friday

On Friday last week, while E was in school, I stayed at home with my Mum and did errands. Two of them entailed calling insurance twice, for two different matters. For the second call, which was more specifically regarding my prescriptions, I made it after I picked up E from school. So while E was outside playing on the lawn (and my Mum came out holding M), I paced around studying the growth of my plants while on hold on the phone. Somewhere during this time, I spotted my neighbour Mike, walking his granddog April, and I waved from afar. 

When I was done with the phone call, I glanced at an alert on my phone from KMOV that part of the I-64 East was closed downtown due to a fatal motorcycle accident, mentally shook my head and then put my phone away to continue hanging out with my family outside. It was a nice sunny day, and I was pleased that it seemed like majority of my plants had survived the winter. I was also happy that I had 'adulted' and finished a list of pesky chores that had been outstanding for a while.

That night I tried to go to bed early-ish as usual, but E was up making noise. Her noisemaking, coupled with the need to having to go out and yell at her (too tired and stretched thin for much gentle parenting nowadays unfortunately), made me sleep even later. Just as I came out of the bathroom and was prepared to turn off the lights, my phone lit up with a phone call from Ilse, and immediately my heart quickened. Like most friends, no one calls each other unless an emergency, or something bad has happened. 

I picked up the phone and Ilse told me Randy, our friend Jennifer's ex-husband, had passed away earlier in the day. On a motorcycle accident, on the highway. And I knew right away it was the news alert I had seen at 4pm. We were all in shock. Randy had just taken care of his son, A, for a week. Ilse and her husband Moises had hung out with him while Austin had a playdate with Leo. Ilse and I had been texted about how it had been for her hanging out with Randy, and we were all happy that he seemed to have been getting his shit together to be a good Dad to Austin. And now a week later, Randy was no more.

It's a very strange thing to be mourning the sudden, violent death of a friend's ex-husband. I had a (sort of) front seat to all the self-destructive behaviour that led to the split up between him and Jennifer. He was a huge mess, and I was pissed at his behaviour and its negative impact on Jennifer and A. I was also annoyed that Jennifer seemed to be taking it and enabling him, because she (understandably) did not want her family to be broken up. And this was complicated because on a personal level, self-destructive behaviour aside, Randy was the kind of person that Jon and I get along well with. Our biggest memory with him is watching meme videos (specifically Cat Vibing to Home Depot song) together after Christmas Dinner in 2020. At the same time he seemed on the mend, and of course Jennifer and A loved him dearly. Humans always have a chance to reform and turn things around, and it seemed like he was. 

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As a bystander and somewhat participant, I feel a bit like Nick Carraway in The Great Gatsby, watching things at they unfolded before me. It all started last year with the motorcycle. In the latest iteration of a round of self-sabotaging behaviour (and to be fair, the only one I experienced), Randy decided to spend the money that they had saved for the down payment of a house on a motorcycle. 

More terrible behaviour soon followed, and I heard about it all as the marriage became more unsalvagable with every new thing. As Jennifer prepared to leave, Randy managed to fall off his newly purchased motorcycle and hurt himself slightly. We shook our heads and said that motorcycle would be the death of him. I told Lynne and Mike about it, because I hang out with Lynne and we frequently commiserate about things. Mike (which I why I mentioned him early), said something pithy about how dangerous motorcycles are, something along the lines of hoping he had good life insurance, which made me laugh at the time. 

Memorial Day weekend 2021, Jennifer and Austin drove with another friend of her's and a U-Haul trailer to Houston. I had made a big pile of cookies, per her request, for the trip. It was a mixture of chocolate chip cookies and double chocolate mint chip cookies. 

Finally, the accident which happened last Friday, now brings the whole story full circle. That motorcycle, really was the undoing of Randy. While on the I-64 by the Busch stadium, he hit a trailer being pulled by a truck and was flung off his motorcycle. I can only hope that he did not suffer. 

It probably speaks to how long my brain has atrophied as a stay at home mother that I cannot remember the exact literary device to describe the role of the motorcycle in all of this. And I cannot help but also wonder is it insensitive to even think about such a real human tragedy in literary terms. 

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Right after I got the call from Ilse, I left the bedroom and went downstairs to tell Jon. As we ran through different gamuts of emotions (mine undoubtedly containing a lot more shock and anger), we had a shot of whiskey. It was my first drink in more than a year. That night, both Jon and I slept terribly. It's hard for me to elucidate on quite how numb and how complicated all my emotions felt that night. 72 hours has elapsed since I received that call, and the constant thoughts and worrying about all 3 of the has finally receded into a dull worry.

The worst thing about any human tragedy like this is always the impact on the loved ones that have been left behind.

Fussy Baby

One of the best sensations in the world is feeling the hair on top of a baby's head rest against your cheek. Another one is seeing a baby smile contentedly as it drifts off to sleep after drinking it's fill of milk. Last night M was the fussiest she has ever been since she was born over 2 months ago, and so it was a trying night. Still, I am thankful for the little things, and thankful that overall she is far less fussy than E ever was.

World Events

One of my biggest memories during my first postpartum fog after the birth of E was sitting in front of the TV in my grandparent's dining room, watching the HK protestors storm the Legislative Council. It felt absolutely surreal to think of the world marching on and world history unfolding as I sat in my weird bubble/fog of postpartum depression. And yet there I sat, watching protestors climb over tables and lecterns, and spray painting things on the wooden paneling. All I could think of was, "Oh my goodness" and "WTF". 

When I first had a baby, it felt like the world immediately contracted to just me and whoever was in the house, even though logically I knew that was not the case. I felt like I was on an island, cut off from everything and helpless in the face of the world. Taking even a walk outside without the baby felt taboo, and verboten, even though my anxiety was screaming at me to literally just bolt out the door and get as far away as possible from my baby. Now I don't know how often this negative feeling is experienced by other new mothers, but that's how I felt then in 2019, and how I felt again recently just a few weeks ago.

Well last week I definitely experienced that weird feeling again about being postpartum, and world events. I was up at 1am pumping again after taking care of M, and that's when I found out Russia had invaded Ukraine. It didn't feel real, even though Putin had been sabre-rattling for quite a while prior. Unfortunately 5 days into the conflict, things have becoming more and more real to my addled mind. When I saw an article about a Ukrainian woman having to give birth in a subway while sheltering from bombing, my stress levels immediately went though the roof. 

Anyway all I can say is, Russian Warship, Go Fuck Yourself.

Schedule at 4 Weeks + 1 Day Old

My daily schedule currently looks like this:

10am - Wake up, pump, eat breakfast

Early afternoon - Lunch, go out (sometimes)

Mid afternoon - Quick walk around the neighbourhood, pump

5:30pm - Shower

6pm - Dinner (though the past few days, these have all inched later by 15 to 30 mins)

6:30pm - Pump

7pm - Go to bed

7:30pm - Switch off lights, try to sleep

11:30pm to 12:30am (time varies) - Get woken up by crying M, feed, put to sleep. Pump and eat. Go and lie down and try to sleep for an hour

2 hours from putting M down (repeats at 2 hour intervals, ex. 1am, 3am, 5am) - Get woken up by crying M, feed, put to sleep, change a diaper somewhere around 1 or 3am. Go back to sleep for a bit.

If it's the 5am or 6am feed - Pump and eat

6:30am - My Mum gets up and takes over responsibility for M; I go to sleep

Next week however, I need to send E to school at 8:30am on Tuesday and Friday, so that throws the schedule into disarray. And given that my anxiety is barely held at bay by this schedule, I'm really not looking forward to this change. Still, it's good that E's school has been able to take her now for Monday, Tuesday, and Friday until 3:30pm, which gives my Mum and I some respite at home. 

M turned 4 weeks yesterday, and will be 1 month old in 2 days on the 24th. 

Postpartum Songs

 After I first had E, the song that kept playing in my head was You Can Call Me Al by Paul Simon. I was going through the throes of postpartum anxiety and depression without being aware of it, and something about the song just struck a chord in me. To me the song made me think of being a middle-aged adult, going through a midlife crisis, being dissatisfied and wondering wtf is going on with their life.

In contrast, the song that kept playing throughout my head during the labour and postpartum period of M, is Chop Suey! by System of a Down. The sheer anger, pain, and desperation in the song echo my current darkest emotions as I go through the whole rigmarole of postpartum whatsit yet again. At night when I can't sleep, because I need to take care of M (who is generally up every 1-2 hours), the biblical portion of the lyrics replay over and over in my head.

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Today my in-laws left STL. M is also 3 weeks old. Although my Mum is here, I can't help but feel anxious at the change. Thankfully I am mentally in a better place now than a week ago (which is when my in-laws were originally slated to leave), but I still have a long way to go before I feel comfortable in my own body again.

6 Days Postpartum

I gave birth to baby M at 12:43am, just past midnight on the 24th Jan. The induction was slow and hard, as my GERD acted up and I got a headache. Then right after delivering the placenta, I suffered a hemorrhage. At one point there were something like 12+ medical staff all running around the room doing things, and I lay there just resigned and depleted. Didn't get a chance to hold M until much later. The next day was hard too, as I had a bakri balloon and a catheter in me, and I was pretty miserable. I couldn't sit up without getting a headache after long, and I felt nauseous. 

Anyway, I was happy to be discharged in the late afternoon of 25th Jan after several blood tests came back OK. Except right before we were about to leave, we found out the hot water heater died and it was minus 10 degrees celcius that day. 

Today is now the 6th day of M's life. I am trying to take things day by day and not think too much. Been in contact with my psych, and at least I'm a lot more aware of my emotions and physical feelings now, vs my first birth with E. I'm a mess of hormones and disrupted sleep. Thank God for Jon and my in-laws who are here to help, especially with the first 2 weeks which are known to always be hellish. E provides some comfort too, though obviously she adds to everyone's exhaustion as well. 

Everyone else has gone out today, leaving just M and me at home. It feels kind of nice, because I don't feel great today and am relishing the momentary peace (though an hour later I might start to feel lonely).

39 Weeks 1 Day

I must have gotten a grand total of 2h combined sleep last night. It's currently just past 7am, and I'll probably try to go sleep again in a bit. Last night I couldn't sleep from combined anxiety, hormones, E having nightmares, and general pregnancy pains/discomfort. Luckily so far nights like this one have been relatively few and far between this time. 

I have an elective induction scheduled for today, but I'm worried it'll be postponed again (was meant to be yesterday evening). I'm both anxious and excited for baby M to come - and I'd really like to be able to have some deep rest again.

Nice Weather in Jan

For the past 2 days my in laws have been both dropping off and picking E up at school, because I've been too tired and having weird upper abdominal cramps. Currently 37 weeks and 5 days pregnant today. After lunch I went for a short walk with E, and mistakenly let her wear her rain boots, which of course kept falling off her feet. We ended up not making it very far (down to Lynne's yard), when I got tired from all the standing around waiting for E to fix her boots. Still, it was a nice day to be out even for a little bit - 12 degrees Celsius, sunny and no wind. I only wish I had more energy to bring E to the park or go for a longer walk.