I'm almost finally out of words

In order to make a clean cut of one's past, one must do away with all remaining strands of romanticism. No more 'ifs' and 'maybes', no more lying to yourself that things were really better than they really were. Instead what is needed (rather than just time alone) is an unflinching recognition of events as they were. Over this past week I've been doing a lot of reflection and thinking about the past few months (and years) of my life in Singapore. I remember all the feelings I felt then clearly, but now looking back I wonder about it all again. This is something that would not have happened had I not left Singapore, for it is only through being completely emotionally cut off from things that one can view things objectively.

I think about Singapore less and less now. I think about the people I miss from time to time. But I know these emotional bonds that tie me to the land will soon become less and less as people move on with life and move overseas. Singapore will never be the same again for me, and over time the association of Singapore with Home will fade. Instead Singapore will line up with the words Past, Over, Childhood and Many Bad Decisions. London's will be Unfriendly Rude People, Present, Bloody Cold and Turning Point in Life.

I am done with selfish semi-destructive relationships. I am done with all these intriguing tortured souls who have done nothing but wreck havoc upon my soul and mental faculties, in their quest for something better; guys who project their fantasies upon me and except me to fulfill their imagined roles. I am done with guys who bring out the worst in my behaviour. I am done with unhappy endings and will no longer accept them as my fate. I will now instead receive the love that I know I deserve, the love I know that awaits me outside my door. No one has the right to make me feel terrible, and no one has the right to attempt to change or manipulate me in any manner possible - much less think they have the ability to do so. To this I laugh at bitterly: for I am no ones person but mine.

I have carved a new independent life for myself here in London. A life that shows that it is perfectly fine to start over and be alone. A life that turned out to be very different from one I imagined, but one that is very much mine. I have become reconciled with myself and the past, reconciled with things that are very much out of my control, reconciled with my fight for life, reconciled with my present. I have made new friends, settled in, developed routines, familiar places and have found one I can truly fall in love with. I have found myself, and have (vaguely) found my place in the world. I have stopped acting as anything that I do not feel like. I am myself, and never have been more so. I am happy.

We accept the love we think we deserve, and I think I finally can.