Two Oh

So I am now 20.

I remember around New Year's Eve 2010, Daryl was going on about how we were turning! twenty! A quasi-milestone in our lives where we were booted out of being terrible teenagers to legitimate young adults. I also remember sort of wondering what the hell he was going on about. And today, I turned 20 (going by Singapore time, since I was born there anyway).

This is probably the birthday that will be celebrated with the least pomp, being both out of Singapore and my adopted city of London. Already my friends in Singapore as asleep, and my friends in London are out celebrating Ruben's birthday which is the day before mine (and Chen's which is the day after mine: we planned to have a mega celebration together). Even though I am with my parents, I have never felt so alone, or a birthday so un-celebratory in atmosphere.

Instead tonight I am online and looking for people to mitigate this feeling, but the only person really talking to me (or rather who I am talking back to) is a drunk, homesick, oddball who stays in my dorm and everyone avoids. I'm actually kind of scared of him because he can get violent and has a tendency to drink till he's well and truly fucked. And I'm only talking to him now because I feel bad for him. Plus I hope he won't remember this tomorrow and think I'm his new best friend and follow me around Passfield.

I wish I could be happier about all of this, I ought to be anyway. I've made progress from who I was in 2009, and I've definitely come a long way since Jan 2010. But somehow, that niggling seed of dissatisfaction, the bit in me that always values human companionship over a lot of other things, is always present and shall always be. Fingers crossed for tomorrow then.

Should I look forward to turning 21 then? I already dreamed the dress I shall buy myself for the celebratory dinner, oho.