I just found myself in ways I couldn't help

It seems like I have a knack for ending every year feeling rather downcast. Maybe it’s the realization that a year has passed and I’m essentially pretty much the same. Perhaps it’s the feeling that I am falling into a pattern of things being the same. And then it could be the fact that I am essentially a terribly pessimistic person and remember all the nasty bits easier than I do the happy ones. Like instead of thinking I have successfully established myself in a new city, I think I am all over the place now.

2009 has been especially reflective for me. Maybe it was the end of a continuous stream of academic nonsense, or maybe it was having to live in a new city, or even maybe the entrance of someone that reminded me of another one who I let slip through my fingers. Either way I keep thinking of the past, and all that had brought me to today. I think and I recall, and hope by doing so I will finally be able to let go and free myself. Maybe one day I will be less depressive and upset (though I doubt my neuroticism will ever fully go away). Maybe one day I’ll finally be free of my spectreing past, maybe one day I will be free of me.

2009 has also been my most traveled year. I traveled to Bali, Nepal, the USA and to various countries in Europe. I rode on 8 new different subway systems: New Jersey (well sort of one), New York, Washington, Naples, Rome, Barcelona, London and finally Paris. I went on a cruise ship. I went trekking in Nepal. I rode a Donkey in Greece (definitely a bad idea). I lazed by a beach in Bali. I bumbled about a drizzling Paris with my mother – our first trip without the father. I probably spent the most I ever have on shopping too :/

2009 also ejected me further out of my comfort zone. From working in another law firm without a familiar face, to being shuttled about by Lauren with her friends in the USA, to working with customers I wanted to badly punch in the face during my sales job and finally to being dumped in London to fight with banks, grocery shopping and handphone providers. It also probably explains why I have been so crazy as of late, having to finally confront the idea that I’m not a little girl anymore and I need to support and look after myself out there.

2009 indeed. 2010 will have a tough act to follow in terms of new experiences. Hopefully it’ll be a more peaceful and stable new year.