The roses on my desk are wilting, but I have fresh flowers to replace them with

I've always been bad with separation. Even the slightest thought of time that is more than a day apart makes me tear up a little. If it happened gradually then it wouldn't be so bad and I wouldn't think about it, but the idea of leaving or someone leaving to another geographical location just makes me tear up. The idea being of course that they are not physically there anymore, a phone call and a bus stop away.

When I was little I used to cry everytime my Mama took a day trip to KL. Just the idea of her being away and out of the country scared me and made me cry. But she also used to disappear for the entire day and come back only at night, spending the day out with friends. The duration she disappeared for was the same, but the effect on little-me so different.

I can't quite put into words the little thoughts floating in my head about this but I think it has to do with the idea of physical distance, of a distance that never used to exist. A distance that feels too long and makes me scared of the things that might happened when I'm not around. Little (morbid) thoughts like 'what if this is the last time I see them?' which make me panicky and sad inside.

I remember reading a line somewhere that having to leave someone and/or be left behind felt a little like someone had died, because someone who you have been used to having around in your daily life is suddenly gone, leaving only memories and little physical traces behind.