There's no Twilight Galaxy

I have that strange feeling again whenever anyone mentions returning to London. That little downward flowing feeling of liquids in my chest cavity. The feeling of a little black hole forming between my lungs and my heart. While there is someone I dearly miss there, I cannot help but think of returning albeit sadly, that the little taste I have been given of home and all it’s familiar trappings will soon be once more taken away from me. Then it gets me in a tizzy all over again about my conceptualization of home.

I am a very strange, neurotic planet.

It is like just as I have settled down into the idea of being home, I have to prepare to leave it again. Not fair! Why must everything be so far away from each other? Why couldn’t I just hop on a bus every three weeks from Rhode Island to New Jersey every weekend, like my cousin does? Why does the family that I dearly love have to be so far away from me? It sucks.

And then there is my brother. All I hear is happy sounds when he hears my voice on the phone. I imagine him jumping up and down, like how he does when he is very happy. When I am at home, he goes to the bathroom and runs out without washing my hands, looking for me. He waits just to hear me yell at him to wash his hands with soap. It is our special routine that he does to no one else. I wonder if he runs about with unwashed prehensile digits when I am not around. I wonder what he makes of me disappearing and suddenly reappearing like that.

I want everything, everything. I want all my loved ones to be in one area, so I can always miss one place – not three like the way I am now. It is tiring wanting to be in three places at the same time. I think one day I will deliberately move so it can become two places. It sounds like a deliberate thing I will do. Two places are definitely less tiring than three.

I strongly dislike missing things. Missing things makes me feel anxious, it makes me feel worried. It makes me feel like part of my heart has withered away. It reminds me of how limited my time is really with these people, that they won’t be around forever. It reminds me of their (and my) mortality. For being separated from your loved ones and missing them feels like one step closer to losing them forever to Moirae’s scissors.

There are lots of little dead things cluttered in my heart this year.