I'm trying very hard to understand how my life has become like this.
Yesterday I spent the afternoon hiding in bed. I thought about skipping the rest of the week. I thought about emailing the most ineffectual person this side of the world and saying "I can't do your essay Sir, because I am currently too melancholic in disposition." I drifted in and out of consciousness, meditating dreams of anti-depressants and Irvine Welsh. I noticed a little pock mark on the ceiling. I just wanted to stay in bed the rest of the week and stare at the ceiling. I wanted to sink into pocket springs and synthetic foam. I dragged myself out of bed and went to eat, yesIamtired/sorryI'mnotfeelingverywell/don'tworryitsnotcontagious. I am so overwhelmed and tired of work. I am so overwhelmed and tired of the complications of human entanglements. I am so overwhelmed and tired of life. I want a break from everything.
Today I woke up next to an emotional entanglement and left feeling more exhausted. I thought 2 pm was 12 pm. I looked at my essay after 3 days of not doing work (a record!) and felt a panic attack rising. I felt my temples start to throb. I typed off 500 words in 45 panic filled minutes. I felt like bursting out in tears and dashing things about. I took too much panadol on a empty stomach and my head is empty once again. I felt the tense nerves in my shoulder tingle and the tips of my fingers trembled as they touched keyboard. I cooked pasta for lunch. I felt the skin on my forehead feel strangely light and heavy at the same time.
I am very tired of life again.
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