Pictures for the words I am lazy to say

An update, in pictures because they are far easier than words.

Last Friday I left M/s A, leaving hand drawn cards for the entire team. Close ups are of those I am more proud of:-











Yesterday I went to the Mooncake Fair at Takashimaya with my Mama and she bought me this lovely mooncake - Almond Beancurd and Longan in Snowskin. It's not really a mooncake, but Almond beancurd wraped in Snowskin. Lovely though!



And today I was out with Daryl at Bras Bersah. We wandered into an art store and I fell in love with this awesome magazine which you cut out pages and have models of real-life Japanese streets/neighbourhoods. I am currently praying I have a nice ledge next to my window in London.


On another note, the Hock Lam beef noodles that used to be on Purvis Street has disappeared >:( I am very upset. Instead, we ate at Yet Con, which while good, was not quite the same.

As hard as fingernails

Tomorrow is my last day in M/s A-. Today at work I was finding it really hard to concentrate on my work. I surfed the net a little (I found a dog species called Gull Dong), read a little until I gave up and went walking down the airless stairwell again till I felt dizzy around the 20th floor (I started to have problems with depth perception/putting down my foot properly to ensure I wouldn't fall down) and had to exit and take a lift up. After coming out of the lift, I ran into M- who was distributing the most awesome snowskin mooncakes from Raffles Hotel. She gave me a champagne flavoured one, and I followed her around as she was giving them out to everyone. After that I lingered in the room of one of the analysts, showing him the Elisabeth Everada v. Billionaires Management Worldwide (doesn't a name like that reek SCAM?), we got called down by another analyst who said her partner had gotten tipsy on the three drops of champagne in the mooncake. Thus, we went down to laugh at him.

I met Jiahui for lunch. The company was far superior to the food, which was a depressing waste of rice, sauce, egg and meat. It was just as well that my 7th month caused asthma has given some vague reprieve to my overactive stomach. The previous lunches I went with Eryn, the analysts and the other interns respectively. Tomorrow I have lunch with the entire team, legal and analysts included.

Today when I went into to see Mark Y, he was all "why are you leaving/all my friends are leaving" and I felt quite sad. I actually did some thinking a few days ago, even when he was saying goodbye to one of the other interns just 3 weeks ago, that he'd be the person I'd miss the most. He occupied the unique position of giving me work, but yet not actually being my boss. This results in a good combination of un-intimidating interaction. Plus of course personalities and interests factor in, which also worked well. He also looked a bit like Kaijun, which helped since I find myself being more likely to click with a person if they already look like a friend (I'm sure there have been some psychological studies on this sort of thing). In short, I will miss him. I went back to my desk and felt a feel tears about to form.

Later however, just as I was about to leave the office to go meet Swan Yee for dinner, Mark Y called me into the office again. I wondered if he was going to say more stuff about my leaving which would make me sad. I walked in and he asked me to close the door, which set off some alarm bells as it was the first time he had ever made such a request. He dithered a bit, and clearly looked really uncomfortable/upset with what he was going to say, and wondered out loud of he should tell me. Finally after taking in a deep breath, he said that they've decided to let M- go.

Needless to say, it came as a shock.

As I walked out of the office thinking about everything I've learned in the Corporate world from working in such a large firm, I learned that the more I saw, the more terrified and disgusted I feel with everything. Part of me, apart from Mark Y still being in M/s A-, was glad to leave tomorrow. I no longer possess the same strong emotional bonds that I had just hours ago.

Noodle Bag

Yesterday I was watching Life by David Attenborough again and I came across Stoats. Curious I googled more and came across the Wiki article which said "the ermine is also considered a symbol of purity in Europe. In the Renaissance era, legend had it that an ermine would die before allowing its pure white coat to be besmirched. When it was being chased by hunters, it would supposedly turn around and give itself up to the hunters rather than risk soiling itself." Ladies and gentlemen, this is the first animal I can unequivocally call a gay.

The monty python-esque video mildly redeems its manliness.

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I am sick again. I took Zrytec last night and went to sleep and woke up today feeling horrible. I decided not to go to work since I had just finished on working on something big yesterday, that and I'm probably influenced by the attitudes of the new interns at work I'm talking to now. I did feel absolutely dreadful yesterday, and yet still pulled myself into work and into finishing my task(s).

Instead today I slept in, watching an episode of Monk, an episode of Criminal Minds and the last episode of The Pacific with my dad. The theme song from The Pacific is still lingering around my mind. I also had lunch with my Mama.

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Work is infinitely sapping. At work I think "I want to blog about this because I want to remember it" but end up coming home completely tired and with no mood nor mental will/energy to write. If I'm not tired from actual tasks, I'm tired emotionally from it all. The feeling of having nothing to do and yet not being allowed to actually do anything when I am on standby is terrible. That and the drudgery of it all, though I think I am becoming slightly numb to it.

On Tuesday evening I met up with the Alchemist and Daryl, and both men were slightly late. After having done some errands, I just sat exhausted at the hawker centre to wait for them to come. I almost fell asleep sitting down. I was really so tired, nevermind that I had actually been getting the requisite amounts of rest the previous few nights. I was simply so exhausted. Luckily things changed after they both appeared, or they would have had a terribly boring dinner companion.

With regards to work itself, Triple A is getting more Triple A (I might upgrade him to Quadruple A, but then it loses it's battery like catchiness) and last week he managed to shout to loud he overwhelmed Journey on my Ipod. I suspect there's some big project happening because now the frequency of people venturing into his cavern of anger has increased. Last week work was terrible with 4 solid days of editing Lexis Nexis, the more tiring and tedious sort of shite. This week is better with case research, although it gets frustrating when you cannot find something. On Wednesday I went for a talk during lunch and nibbled on soggy sandwiches which nodding off at the back of the lecture hall, because it was a talk given by my department.

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I've also taken to watching Mandarin language movies. I think it's because I've convinced myself that if it's not able to be obtained in London, it's worth experiencing here. I mean that in a sense that Mandarin movies obtained through non-commercial means probably have very bad subtitles which I need. As a result, of all 3 movies that I've seen since coming back, all 3 are Mandarin. They are respectively, Au Revoir Taipei, Ocean Heaven and Aftershock. They were all enjoyable, in their own way. Au Revoir Taipei with Nic was for cheap laughs, Ocean Heaven with my mother, a tool for reflecting upon my brother and Aftershock - with Nic and CNE - for gravitas about the human condition.

Yesterday for the first time I brushed my brother's teeth. Today I shared a bowl of rambutans with him and cleaned up the juicy mess. Some nights I go into his room right before I sleep and cover him with his blanket. For some reason he refuses to cover himself with the blanket before he sleeps, but putting it on after he's fallen asleep is okay even if he wakes up in the middle of the night.

Sometimes I wish I could be like him, because he knows not what he's doing (like me) but at the same time knows not enough to care (unlike me).

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Literally translated, bread in Mandarin means noodle bag. Talk about literally food for thought.

La Boulange

The blood running through my veins is starting to feel prickly again. I feel my heart beating ever the slightest-ly faster-ly, struggling to keep with the rapidfastrate at which my the neurons in my mind are shooting away. The gap created between the speed of my mind and the speed of my lagging body widens and falls upon itself, swallowing itself whole as I struggle to make sense of the multitude of scattered thoughts in my mind - of my anchorlessness and of my listlessness. Attempts to calm down and slow down my mind work only for the slightest fraction of a second before returning to its previous state, as I grasp only the overwhelming state of all things.

Today is not a good day for me, and I don't know if I can manage to fully address the sources of these multiple (admittedly) neuroses which exist only in my mind and in the speed on my low pressured beating heart.

M/s A

I seldom write nowadays because all I do is work, and them come home. Even my meet ups with friends have been painfully sporadic and more sentimental than ground breaking (I mean, there is only so many new things that can possibly happen with people you've known for some years!) - as a result 70% of my life merges into some blurry blob known as my 1.5m x 1.5m cubicle at work, bordered by J, a secretary to a Type A woman, aforementioned Type A partner and another male Type AAA (he is so type A, he makes Type As look like snuggly teddy bears).

Type A woman scares me because she is Type A. She actually doesn't really do anything, and all the Type A-ness is self contained. Type AAA man however, shouts and berates people 50% of the time he is in the office, including his associates and his secretary. One of his associates is bald. I think this is because he has been stressed so much by his boss that all his hair fell out. Type AAA man is also very fond of using the loudspeaker phone and has used it on many occasions to scold his secretary, who sits like 5m away from him office. As a result, I am treated to surround sound scolding. Damn, does he make me quake in my flat (no boots, because Singapore if far too hot).

Working in the this office which is the largest firm I'm yet worked at, is rather eye opening. For example, needing to go through the central system to requisition stationary. Previously, all I had to do with ask the receptionist. Now, I need to go through a system and it is delivered every Wednesday. Every Wednesday! That means sometimes if I badly need a pen, I won't get it till a week later.

Then there is the issue of those damn tappy key cards which record your time. I used to just breeze though without tapping them after trailing people into the office. Now I need to tap them or else the system thinks I'm late. Nevermind that I'm earlier than the people sitting around me, if it's not in the computerised system, it doesn't exist.

I have also discovered I really really dislike being around middle aged women in dead end jobs because they channel their life essence into being Hesse's Child People to the max (hope I remember this properly). They spend their time when not working surfing the internet to buy shit (it's like nothing else exists on the internet except for shopping) and spend the other remaining bit that is spent not working gathering into little magpie huddles and gossiping away, while smelling like ageing human flesh.

Then of course there is the general feel of being totally insignificant. In a firm of easily 500 people, people come and go all the time. No one except the people you immediately come into contact with will be affected by your passing. You can work in the same firm for years, but because it's a large corporation people don't give it shit. It reeks of total and utter dehumanisation, not to mentioned sitting in your little caged pen day in and day out.

While I have met some really wonderful people while working these past 5 weeks, I must say I will not miss the experience very much. I am struck every day by how I feel less and less like a living and breathing human.

I suddenly realise how much I miss MS Paint

...because I can't add "WTF IS THIS?!" to pictures that deserve it. In other news I have also been informed that he also looks like "Malaysia's Superhero" (said by Jon Kong), Cicakman:



And in other news, I watched the National Day Parade with my parents. My Dad was going on about how this would be my last National Day in Singapore, which made me feel kinda :x inside. It also got me thinking again of how a long long time ago (well, maybe 6 years), I wanted to do nursing and join the army as a medic. Now I think about it more though the lens of 'at least it'll give me stability and a clear career path'. I really have no idea what to do with my life, especially what to do with my life that will make me happy,

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A number of Sundays ago on the 25 of July I had a family dinner at my Guo Mah's place in Lorong Ah Soo. The whole family was there. It took my Aunty Janet's death to draw the family closer, resulting in them deciding to have a Laksa party, along with other foods. There I spoke to a lot of my relatives (quite rare) and they seemed to be really proud of me and were genuinely happy to see me. It made me think about how although we were not very close, the bond of simply being family was still there. They asked a lot about London, and I told them it was very cold, but also that Singapore was way too hot for me. They laughed and asked about the food. There, I pigged out on the fried you char kuay.

Last last Saturday the 31st of July, I went out with Daryl, Jia and Paul Chu for steamboat dinner in Crystal Jade, nearby Bugis. We ate like pigs, ordered lots of food and kept getting random food sent to our table instead. It was great fun. I feel hungry now just thinking about it, om nom nom nom. After that, we heaved our filled bellies a few metres away for some nice deserts (watermelon and sago for me). Then, we walked to iluma, which was the first time I walked in, and it was really fail. We then wandered over to Rochor for tau huay chui which was DAMN GOOD, and some you char kway. By the time we finished eating, it was 11:30pm, and we all raced for the last modes of transport home.

Last Monday the 2nd of August, I feel slightly ill and went to the doctor's in the morning. After that I wandered over to my grandparent's to spend some time with them. I ate some biscuits, talked to both grandparents a lot. It was probably one of the few times I've spoken to my grandpa so much, because he is a man of few words. He gave me an unused tea cup (with a strainer for tea leaves). A few months ago when I came back from the UK, I was at their house and felt sleepy because I was still suffering from jet lag. I fell asleep in their room with the air conditioner turned on, and was awakened when he came into the room and covered me with his blanket. That memory still sticks with me, because it was one of the few times it really occurred to me that my yeh yeh loves me. I went out later with my Mama to do some snake-oil foot bath electrolysis shit. The woman asked me if I smoked, because the water turned into the colour meant to indicate smoking. Nothing, could be further from the truth. However, as an aside, I still believe reflexology works because they managed to figure out I have severe stomach problems. After that, we had yong tau foo for lunch. I met NSeow for a Mcdonald's dinner and Au Revoir Taipei - which was really really silly, aha.

On Wednesday, the 4th of August, I had lunch with the new analysts as part of some pseudo welcoming team. Same thing on Thursday.

Friday the 6th of August, there were after work drinks to welcome the new analysts with the entire team and to say goodbye to one of the analysts, Big Boss D included (or the royal family as someone refers to them). There was a drunk guy that awkwardly walked up to us and stared at us (in a suit, at Harry's at the Marina Bay Sail nonetheless, maybe he was a broker that just lost/won a lot of money), and then came around later and said HELLO and we all ignored him. After that I joined the leaving analyst, and the other senior one for drinks at 5 where I met another associate that left M/s A just last week. Like KJ who also left the CE team last week, he was really happy and so glad to have left. It made me think about how loads of people were just dying to be in M/s A, but at the same time loads of people were also dying to get out of them. I rushed backed and watched Lammbock with Christoph via skype.

Weekend, I was in Bintan with my Mummy. It was nice, but in the waters off Mayang Sari, we saw two jellyfish. I suspect my mum might lack certain survival skills because her reaction was to go "oh a jellyfish, maybe it's a weird shadow?" whereas mine was "OH MY FUCKING GOD, RUN!!!". I saw two of them, the first being a MASSIVE ONE the size of my 13" laptop at least, at which my mum said the aforementioned comment, and a later smaller one the size of my palm. On the second day, we met an elderly French couple who said the man got stung the day before, but it was OK now. Still, not very comforting.

And alas, it is work tomorrow.

A man, me, then Jim

Living is the problem.

Sailfish are disappointing

I was watching Life, with dear old Davie Attenborough, and today's episode was on Fish. Well I saw only 10 minutes of it, and I concluded that it shows very clearly that living creatures are stupid and henceforth we are all doomed.

The first disappointment was Sailfish. They have a long elongated nose-like area, a little like a swordfish. So there I was watching it and thinking 'holy shit, this is going to be cool', of course expecting them to turn into living harpoons and spear the hell out of the poor sardines, but no! Instead the lousy buggers just chased them about and used their noses like shovels/bats to push (I'd say smash, but they're too big of a disappointment to deserve that) the sardines out of the main shoal, and them pick them off one by one by biting them. How useless >:(

Then the next one was the flying fish. I thought they were quite cool until the last scene. It starts of with them flying about and them finding a floating palm leaf. Palm Leaves are like floating islands and good for laying eggs because they are stable - ok, fine. They start laying eggs en masse, with the females laying them first and then the males come in and fetilise them - weird, but still ok. So then you see scenes of males wriggling in and out of lots of yellow-ey gooe-ey eggs, presumably after fertilising them. But no! The last 10 seconds while David Attenborough drones on about how the palm leaf eventually gets too heavy with eggs and sinks down to the ocean floor, making it safer for the eggs, showed flying fish stuck in between the eggs as the leaf started to sink, AND THEY WEREN'T WRIGGING. Something like 20 males, their soul-less (fish don't have souls anyway, because only cats and dogs go to heaven) silvery eyes staring ahead, not moving. Some with heads plunged deep into masses of eggs with just tails sticking out. They got stuck and suffocated to death on their own damn eggs while trying to fertilise them.

I think I'm going to get nightmares tonight.

In other news, I went home early from work today because I am simultaneously period-crampy, gastric bloated-ey and flu-ey. i feel wretched.

Colchester

I want to go to Colchester before the year is over! I first found out about when we were heading to Amsterdam and were taking a train to Harwich for the ferry.

I've found out that National Express runs buses to Colchester, 2h 20min long affairs, but there is also the same train that I was in. The railway station however, is a 30 minute walk (google map estimate anyway) from the town centre - although you can take bus 8A into to town. The bus coach station however, is smack in the middle of town.

I've also found two nice B&Bs that look worthwhile, Pescara and Greenview House. Let's see if this trip materialises at all.

Don't Let the Sound of your own Wheels Drive you Crazy

Today there was a class outing in Holland Village (loved the location). It was good meeting up with everyone and seeing old faces. Upon half reflecting, I realised it was more than 2 years since we had left ACSI. That, is a long time to still keep bothering to keep in contact with everyone. Talking to Lex too I found out a few things :- (1) he still reads my blog (so hello if you see this) and (2) I've stopped looking for new music.

I remember a few years ago I was all bla bla bla music is my life - and thinking about it now it kind of still forms a very large part of it. I just stopped bothering to find new things, like I was happy with my lot like some old lady. At the same time, I started reviewing the music I already possessed, building up on old loves like Muse and The Arcade Fire. Currently though, the song and artists that power me through the (sometimes dreary) day are The Eagles, which has been sitting in my itunes for a few years - Take it Easy.

Music still keeps me sane. It is still very much an escape for me, but an escape to things which are certain and familiar. One of the things that stuck me about Patrick Bateman in American Psycho is that he dedicates almost whole chapters to new music he's listening to, reviewing the nuances and style. Sometimes, this occurs while he's using an axe to chase someone around a room. He plays his music on his walkman (hahaha, '80s old school), earphones tightly clasped over his ears, while kicking a bum to death. Music is my way, like his (I should probably stop comparing myself to Patrick Bateman), to disconnect both reality and the thoughts in my mind.

I keep thinking that the last trip I want to take with my parents before I get married, would be to drive down Route 66 (my dad's old dream) with my parents. It was my Dad that first put music into my life with his blues guitar work. Thank you Daddy.

Someone really really fucked up parenting 101

This past month has been an introspective time, heralded in by the death of my aunt. While the actual death itself is sad, I wasn't close enough to Aunty Janet to burst out crying into tears randomly. Instead I thought of what it represented, the death of a parent, the death of a beloved spouse, and that made me sad. I thought about the concept of family, of myself and of my children yet unborn. I thought about the past and the future, I thought about my dad always saying "Baby don't cry" to me when I cry, from when I was a baby till now when I am 20.

Within the frame of this thinking however, is a family member from the other side of my family who came down to Singapore. And dear God if she hasn't seriously strained the entire family and me, to hell. Thinking so much about myself becoming a parent in the future, she makes me think (1) dear God if I have a child like this, I will kill her, then kill myself (2) I don't want to have children if there's even a 0.1% chance they'll end up like her and (3) I will never raise my kids that way.

She makes me realise, how lucky I am to have my parents who have given me the freedom and love to develop naturally - despite what she says about my parents being lousy and not loving me. Because for starters, I would never have thought of, or would even say such a thing. I am not always proud of who I am, but I am proud of my parents because they have made me who I am.

Triple Nemeses in Life

I have triple nemeses in life, they are (1) Smokers with cigarettes, (2) Smelly toilets, particularly those my brother has been in and, (3) The TIBS bus 970.

(1) Today I walked past a smoker outside Braddell Station and didn't see him in time to hold my breath. I breathed in what must have been 1/3 a lungful of nasty cigarette smoke air. 3 hours later, I was left wondering if I was suffering from a creeping asthma attack or an anxiety one because I COULD NOT BREATHE. I spent the rest of the day vaguely coughing, feeling warm like I was getting a headache and walking about unsteadily because my cells were not getting enough oxygen. The only upside is I managed to leave work 30 minutes early and beat the crowd.

I sincerely hope when Jesus (or whatever deity you believe in) comes back to Earth, all the damn smokers get turned into the Smoker zombies from L4D and they explode into a mass of noxious gas when someone shoots them.

(2) My brother cannot aim. He pees all over the place. It smells bad. I live with this everyday and it gets to me everyday. He also pours away all my soap. I am going to lock the toilet one of these days. Today when I got back tired, and walked just to the top of the stairs, I got hit with a wall of extremely smelly dried pee. It is probably one of the worst smells on Earth.

(3) On Friday I waited 30 minutes for an extremely crowded 970. I was frothing at the mouth (and probably 100% hysterical in my mind) by the time the damn thing arrived. My hatred of 970 started when I started working in 2007 in the Central Business District because it's the only way to reach my house from either there directly, or through an MRT-bus transfer because my house is too far away from the MRT station to walk.

It's not just the same sometimes too that 970 is tardy, but no, it comes stuffed to it's white-and-orange brim with people. I've stood squished next to the bus doors before once, after waiting 30 minutes for it. That was in 2007. I've never forgotten that day because it was singularly the worst bus ride of my life. Even travelling 10 hours on a non airconditioned bus from Kathmandu to Pokhara in the 30 degree+ summer heat was better than that, scratching itchy skin from bed bugs, some unknown stingy bug that trailed infected holes all over my calves and random leeches was better than that.

Today however, just as the train was between Redhill and Queenstown station, I spotted my nemesis waiting at a traffic light! I was just about to get off at Queenstown, one stop earlier than my usual so I could be guaranteed a seat, when I saw it. This allowed me to decide to get off at Commonwealth and wait 2-3 minutes for the bus instead. I thought of the saying, "keep your friends close, and you enemies closer".

When I was on the bus however, I realised that if I had waited to the take the next MRT train, I would have missed the bus for another 30 minutes. And that, on a separate tangent, is how I get anxiety attacks. Perhaps I should change it to quadruple nemeses - the last one being myself.

Monkey Puzzle Tree

One day after my breakup (which was at 11pm, it really is less than 12 hours later) in January, I got out of bed and dragged myself to class. When the lights were switched off and one of my classmates was giving a presentation - I forget the topic but remember the classmate - I cried silently. I had dragged myself out of bed because I didn't want to miss class.

Now after getting my first year results, I decided to take a day off work to replace all those days I pushed myself, all for grades. In exchange for the uselessness of pushing myself then, I refuse to push myself to work today when I feel terrible. Pushing myself, it seems, has never brought me any net benefit.

Flying Pancakes

So I've started a new job which is 9-6 (all those 9-5s we grew up hearing about are a lie), which drains me out and has the effect of rendering me almost completely antisocial. I come home, bum around for a short while, go to sleep, wake up, go to work, come home blablabla. To make my life seem even more useless, I spent at least 8 hours extra than my usual 8 hours sleep during the weekend napping.

Okay fine, I'm not that useless. I had a family dinner (Grandfather's birthday dinner on the 10th July), a brunch with Cheam and Hadi, a dinner with Steph, Ianthe, Jia Hui, Hui Ming and Samantha (and I bought two books the same night out: one very nice Guns, Germs and Steel), a lunch with Chen who came down to Singapore, a lunch with my Uncle and drinks after work with my new coworkers. Still work has the effect of making me feel very useless, like my life is passing me by and I could be doing more productive things likesay playing The Sims 3 and sleeping more.

I had to force myself to write this post. How sad is that? I really just feel like watching more Criminal Minds and hibernating from humanity.

Also, I HATE IE AND BING. I ALSO HATE MICROSOFT. I opened a document from Outlook today to edit, saved it, then spent 30 minutes getting upset looking for the file which was in some damn hidden file. It was the end of the day, I was tired, and I forgot how to look for hidden files (I did it once last week). In the end I conceded defeat, and crawled with my tail between my legs to go ask my boss who called Tech Support. Then came my next experience with remote support where my computer got controlled by some faceless person at the other end and I had to stop myself from thinking POLTERGEIST! She found the file, but I was still very upset at my wounded pride.

I then ate the massive strawberry that my colleague gave me as a reward for staying calm.

I also found this picture online, which made me laugh like crazy:

While waiting at the MRT station today to be picked up by my parents, I saw this pint sized skinny female. She looked like she was the same size I was when I was 10 or something, but she was wearing these 5 inch nude stilettos. I was looking at her and thinking whether paedophiles would be attracted to her (being tired makes me think odder thoughts) when she reached behind her skirt (mini) and unpicked her underwear wedgie. I started smirking like crazy, and burst out laughing after a while.

I need a life. Again.

I have a headache

Today I went back to church, for the first time in a long time. It was weird, seeing how everyone has changed and how people still remember me. Then, I had lunch with my parents and my Guo Mah. She seemed much better than 2 weeks ago when I saw her at the funeral. After that we went to see my Uncle Joey to collect documents, and he started talking about how last night he dreamt of Aunty Janet and he got to hug her, and how lonely he felt now and how he missed her. He kept asking, "What now?" and talked about how every night they used to watch TV for hours, then sleep at 11pm.

I thought of John McGahern's The Barracks.

July 2010

I was folding clothes today when I realised I could no longer differentiate between my fathers and my brothers clothing.

Off to Shanghai to melt more

I was packing for Shanghai and ran across this old t-shirt. I bought it in 2004 in Langkawi and wore it to bits. I loved it a lot. It is now definitely too small for me to wear anymore, so RIP monkey surfing t-shirt.

I feel old and overgrown, but not necessarily much wiser.

Will be back on the 1st of July. See youse.

I feel like shit

Since coming back to Singapore, I've had far far better days.

My Aunt Janet died 1 day before I was due to fly back. I was notified by a text from my mother while I was packing. I looked at the text, sat down and then got up, sat down again. I was too stunned. I ignored the text and half chatted to Zoe/packed. My mother called me. The past two days since I've arrived back in Singapore were spent at a void deck in Buangkok at a funeral. I was not too close to Aunty Janet, I saw her like maybe 2-3 times a year, but of all the Aunts on my mother's side, she was one of the closest. She was always happy and smiling, in her happy-go-lucky way. The last time I saw her was in December, ironically at a death anniversary of a relative. I was curious and wanted to watch what was happening, and she told me to go closer and watch. Well, I can now honestly say I've witnessed a full Chinese funeral.

I saw my Guo Mah wail, at the death of one of her youngest children of 8. My cousins crying, my aunts and uncles crying. One of the worst was seeing my Uncle, her husband cry. I wasn't even around at the hospital when she died, my mother said that was worst. I am all worn out now.

That, amongst other things, makes me wish I had never left London.

Last night in Passfield Hall

Last night was the last night I spent in Passfield Hall. Hardeep said this to me last night as we hung about, but I felt really tired to think much about it, but this was the first thought on my mind as I woke up to an eyeful of luggage and boxes. It is the last day here.

I think of how much I longed to get out of this place, especially in the Lent Term of school (Jan - March), but now realise I have slipped into indifference. I love how looking for people is always easy, but at the same time being in a dorm fills you with a sense of loneliness especially when your friends are busy/out travelling. Last night I ate dinner alone (very rare for me) and I brought a book as a companion. As I chewed the unappetising fish and stared at the blank wall ahead, I thought about random scattered thoughts while trying to push off that old lonely fear again. But then after dinner, I got up and went into the TV room where lots of recognisable (and some friendly) faces were watching England vs Algeria. I sat down to watch too.

After the match, I was left frustrated with England more than anything else. The lonely feeling was gone. I hung about and talked to people. I went back to my room for a bit, showered, then came back down to talk to more people. I discovered yet another person was leaving LSE for good. I discovered you need to eat 6 eggs a week to get all your Vitamin B12, and I discovered that Guinness is the alcohol with the least calories at 170. I thought about how I ought to being more responsible and cook healthy food next year.

I thought about next year.

Less than 48 hours till I fly back

I just checked into seat 75H for my flight back on Saturday - this very clearly means that I only have 48 hours left here. How agonisingly the academic year started, sped up, slowed down to a sloth's pace and then started to jog along from Easter onwards. Now Christoph has left and I am packing to leave myself, back to Singapore for 3 months+

These next 48 hours will be a busy one, with many squeezed in social engagements (4 - Stephanie and Jiahui, Kaijun, Passfield Govt/IR people, Jon Kong), as if the past few days itself have not been jampacked enough (Amsterdam, lunch with Christoph, All My Sons playing at the Apollo Theatre with Dexter and Jason). Hopefully things will all turn out well.

Brighton was very windy, I got lots of headaches. Still the food was good (had moules and beef carpaccio!), so lots of om nom nom, plus the company/time with Christoph could not be beaten (:

Honey bunny, I'll miss you.

The Oak

So, I'm in Brighton now staying at Court Craven. The first thing I notice before we walk through the door is a "No Vacancy" sign. Then the caretaker says no one else is staying in the place except us.

Therefore, if I suddenly disappear from this place, it is because we have been killed by a serial killer ala Season 4 Episode 4 of Criminal Minds.

Also, I watched the North Korea versus Brazil match - it was excellent and great fun. I don't remember enjoying a match as much as this since I saw the Brazil versus Germany final match in 2002. North Korea scored too! I am very happy.

Fucking Hammersmith Line

Coming back after a good trip to Amsterdam, a ride on the London Undergound back has been enough to completely ruin all the fun I had there. I have had it with this Goddamned fucking overcrowded hell hole full of the world's most self absorbed people. There is no way in hell I will remain here for long after university, I am definitely not going to lay down any roots here.

Urgh I need to pack

I went to the doctor's again today (and as an aside, NHS is not too bad at this - plus it's all free!) and I was given two types of anti-biotics: NO ALCOHOL FOR ONE WEEK!

I leave for Amsterdam tonight. This is really crappy news, although not too bad since I'm not some hardass drinker. I guess it's time to research whether the antibiotics react with other things.

On another note, on the way back I walked past the UCL Cancer Institute, and on the steps there were 2 people smoking.

I feel tired

So the exams are over, meaning I have lots of free time. However the end of exams also means all the shit that I have been putting off doing suddenly needs! to! be! done! I am glad however that today I managed to get quite a few errands done.

Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday (1st, 2nd, 3rd and 4th)
...were melded into one big exhausted ball of exhaustion thanks to 3 exams, one after the other. It was spent half studying and talking over things with Chris Rowley, J. Hahn, Aneesh, Anu and Hwa Young and half being exhausted (on Tuesday after what must have been 3 panic attacks in one day, I just hit the limit of where I was too tired to panic any longer).

I met random friendly faces and chatted a bit here and there - found out amusingly that all my classmates think I'm a really calm and carefree person - mainly because I just plain gave up on GV100. I had lots of tea, lots of painkillers and sleeping pills at night. My eyes were dark circles.

At random intervals during my last exam, I'd daydream mid sentence and mid thought about how I was going to be free in just a few hours, and all the lovely free things I'd do. Phwosh. And then I was free, chatted a bit to Ashraf who was in the same examination room as me, oddly enough, and then set off to meet Anu, Zoe, Aneesh and Hwa for a pint and a pir at Ye Olde Cheshire Cheese. We wandered back to LSE after and I had a G&T in the Three Tuns. I walked back, packed and showered to meet Christoph for dinner at his place. He ended up bring me to (I think) Le Pont de la Tour for dinner at Butler's Wharf, and then we walked back to his place.

Saturday and Sunday
...was spent sleeping a lot. Thank goodness. I also cooked stir fry here and there.

Monday
...I went to meet Jia at South Kensington to finally see the Grace Kelly exhibit, which was a bit smaller than expected. She followed me to Piccadilly Circus because I wanted to return some stuff to Uniqlo, and we ended up shopping there and at H&M up the street. We also turned a corner around Glasshouse Street and found a random enclave of Japanese foods supermarket and resturants. We also found a European Bookstore which sold only non-English European languages books. We ended up buying sushi and edamame and ate it leaning outside the Aquascutum store on Regent's Street. We walked back towards Goodge Steet and went to Tesco to buy some juice. As she wanted to rush off, she left early. A minute later I rounded the corner and she was there, so we ended up talking again.

I then headed back to my dorm and washed up, getting ready to leave for Aldgate East for Deborah's party. Christoph picked me up at the tube station and we walked to her place. Didn't really know many people, and was tired so I sat in a corner and talked to Christoph and Nikolai while drinking. Started blowing up balloons. After feeling a bit tipsy, I decided to hide in the kitchen and randomly had a conversation with another girl called Natalia who was about to leave. I put a corkscrew in the fridge because I thought it was funny, and decided to wash the dishes and broke one when it slipped from my soapy hands >:( I also saw real Tom and Jerry like mousetraps. Was in mild awe. Then I took a spatula and tapped the trap and it snapped shut, just like in the cartoons!

I decided I was probably being a bit too destructive, so I went back to the main living area and talked to Lawrence for like 20 minutes on National Service and Education - which kind of astounds me because all I wanted was to sleep. Then I realised Christoph was being tipsy, which meant I needed to sober up. I can't remember what I did to sober up. Midnight came, and so did his Birthday Wishes, and then we left with another girl who happened to stay in Elephant and Castle.

Elephant and Castle is one of the dodgiest neighbourhoods in London. Already around Liverpool Street which was dodgy enough, at a lit bustop along the main road and waiting for 100, a man dressed in a yellow track suit and bottoms came by asking us repeatedly for cigarettes. Dodgy enough, but he went away after a short while. When we arrived back at Elephant and Castle, we walked her back. Just as we were about to turn into her estate along Browning Street, some black guy (God I feel so racist for saying this, but it was true) turned around a corner and started following us, shouting "Hey are all of you together?" repeatedly. We ignored him and took the long way around in to her estate. This was around 1-2am in the morning, in the London ghetto and in a dark and quiet-er residential area with no one around.

I was totally freaked out. On the way out, I kept looking behind because there were lots of small unlit alleyways on the side where someone could hide. It didn't help that the area was not lit properly as well. This was the first time I felt really unsafe in London, and I was quite shaken. We walked back towards Falmouth Road, and stopped for fried chicken on the way, om nom nom.

TuesdayAte at Dragon City along Walworth Road as a very late lunch and was completely stuffed. The dim sum and Chinese food there is seriously better than any joint in Chinatown and is very comparable to Singapore. Then walked with Christoph to Blackfriar's bridge, stopped along a coffee shop at the Oxo tower and had ice cream and a drink. We did half of the South Bank walk, and I took some pictures. Then, we walked across to Embankment, to a bar chain which I now forget for drinks and a burger with friends.

WednesdayToday I did a crapload of errands. Exchanged money for tomorrow's trip as a very bad rate, urgh, went to the real estate agent's to hand in money, had lunch with Ashraf at Assa, picked up some medicine from Boot's in Euston and went to buy a stamp for a long overdue card for my Dad.

I need to do the laundry.

Hamsterdam

I really keep feeling like a hamster. Last night I was tired and could not sleep. Instead I lay in bed thinking about different tasks like "Call Housing Agent", "Return Library Books" and "Meet Jia at 2pm in South Kensington, and if I want Subway for lunch I need to leave at 1:20pm". I kept getting up just to scribble all of these thoughts down on a piece of paper in order to attempt to be free of them.

And in other new, thank goodness exams are over. Some went better than expected (GV100, EH101) and some went worse (GV101), but in the end they were all doable. Phew.

Oh gawd, EH101 tomorrow

I don't think I've ever been so pumped up with medication in my life, from extra-strong painkillers, sleeping pills, anti-anxiety medication to medication to calm my stomach.

I've also never been so strained before an exams in my life.

The 11th Hour

I need to stop this shit, and get up and FIGHT!

I have dreams that make me wake up tired

I had a dream, where I was in a luxurious glass panelled house by the beach. It was a house owned by one of my relatives, and there were floor length glass windows with black frames. The rest of the house was painted white. It was somewhere tropical, and I work 'Phuket" lingers about in my mind, but I'm not too sure.

Anyway I was on the beach sunbathing with my cousin and aunt, but walked back into the house because I got tired of the sun. As I was inside, staring out at the sea - a startlingly clear blue colour - when the waves started to rise slowly and slowly, and before I could run out to warn them, a large 10m tall wave rose and crashed on the beach and flowed to the house but stopped by the windows. The water level at the house was more than the ceiling and the windows were nothing but sea and disturbed sand.

I had to be held back screaming as I wanted to race out an go look for them, while my other relatives (uncle, dad, mother I think) kept saying that it was no use, for they were gone.

Lunar Sea

Yet another week has passed and the exams have begun, and I am left to wonder how the hell I spent a week doing nothing really remarkable (that comes to mind instantly), more out of a vague idea that I'm letting my life slip by than any notions of ohmahgawd-I-need-more-time-to-study. I am so sick of this exams, I feel like slitting my throat. Morbid notions aside, I shall attempt a brief recall:-

Sunday
Had lunch with Dexter at gbk, a very nice fat juicy burger with pesto. Went to Joy and bought a very cute birthday card and went shopping in New Look for an hour. Went over and had dinner with Christoph. (Damn was this just last week? It feels months ago).

Monday & Tuesday
I cannot recall anything at all. I went to the gym on either one of these days, and had a splitting headahe that incapacitated me the rest of the day (I think Tuesday). Probably finished reading one of my books this day, and watched Gundam Seed. I also briefly recall going to Tesco in E&C to cook Chicken Breasts stuffed with Pesto and wandering into the 99p Shop to buy chocolate. Had another headache afterwards, that made me feel really sick. Watched an episode of Criminal Minds I think, Probably nothing exciting happened, since I barely remember the existence of these two days and really had to struggle to remember anything at all.

Wednesday
Did work until about 2pm, then I headed to Oxford Circus for shopping. Gawd, Oxford Circus was insanely crowded. Bought shit, especially two pairs of sandals for New Look which I was particularly excited about (hah my intellect is so regressing this round of exams). Took the 453, which was excruciatingly long and crowded from Oxford Circus all the way to Rodney Place and dumped my stuff before heading to Lidl with Christoph. Watched Monty Python and the Holy Grail.

Thursday
Did not do anything distinctive, except counsel 3 people which really frustrated me. Was also hungry from a really bad Passfield dinner, so I got Zoe to buy me a kebab since she was out attending a concert. Kebab was good kebab.

Friday
Went to the NHS, missed my appointment, waited 30 minutes more while fearing being late for my meeting with Jia. The lady doctor (who was kind of cool), refused meanwhile, to prescribe me anything for anxiety and I had to beg for sleeping pills and stronger painkillers for my everyday-hours-long-headaches.

Ran to the tube, took it to South Kensington to find that Jia was not there (was 30 minutes late anyway) and that she was sick with food poisoning. I went in to V&A and attempted to see the exhibit, but no! All tickets sold out for today. This was the last straw after feeling really stressed out and frustrated from yesterday, a wasted trip, no exhibit, no friend, and a 30 minute tube ride - so I started freaking out in front of some random Islamic pottery from the 17th century. It was not pretty.

I took the tube to Goodge and had tea with Jia + a trip to Oxfam after. I calmed down, and walked back eating apricots. I got whistled at by some construction workers who also wanted some apricots, thinking they were crisps. I laughed and heard a confused "but they're orange aye?" trailing as I walked off.

Then I came back to Passfield, talking to Nadia about EH101 during which I started panicking again with her telling me to slow down because I was talking too fast for her to understand. I came back to my room, and freaked out again, this time to Zoe. I calmed down after freaking out twice in one day and managed to do my work.

Around the evening I went to Euston to get my prescription filled. They were out of my painkillers, so they gave me a receipt to collect it when they came in. I obtained a less strong dosage to tide me over temporarily.

I did work, met Christoph, then spent 1 hour debating some silly EH101 macroeconomic problem (nice Gold Standard rules of the game) with him. Gave up, then emailed the two lecturers in charge. Took my sleeping pills.

Oh, I also did my laundry somehow amidst all of this mess.

Saturday
Had dinner with Zoe at ICCO, went to Tesco Metro and bought Raspberry and Apple Juice for 90p.

Sunday
Went to Euston to buy Subway for Michele and me, and encountered some odd protest by teenagers in Hoodies about being discriminated against. Wandered into Boots, bought a nail buffer and wandered into WHS Smith and bought a token trashy female magazine and a Sudoku book.

Buffed my fingernails and toenails, painted them, watched two episodes of criminal minds and completed two sudoku puzzles. Spent like 20 minutes scanning in Nadia's EH101 notes, about 2 hours max editing GV101 work, read a commentary on Plato, and spent the day zoned out and on some stoned plane of reality.

Shouted out the window at 2am at drunken louts screaming outside the window. I was about to sleep and reading the trashy magazine, when I heard them. They woke up Michele which really pissed me off, so I shouted "shut up assholes!" out the window. Then, I couldn't sleep for a bit because I needed to get rid of the adrenaline rush. I need to verbally abuse people more often.

Monday
Had lunch with Stephanie and went to Tesco to buy food. Did more readings on Plato, browsed through Nadia's EH101 stuff on ICT and Latin America. Handwashed red dress which turned the water completely red (thank goodness I handwashed it), and did one sudoku puzzle so far.

-----

Okay, I hope this headache goes away soon, I want to finish Latin America, hopefully before dinner.

Listen to that song again

Today for the first time in a few months I woke up depressed. I woke up thinking 1) The night is over?/I need to face the day again? and 2) I am alone. I lay in bed, unable to pull myself out while thinking that the last time this happened, I had just been freshly dumped and saw no hope in each day-to-day. This time, the thought of studying for exams (for I need to cover all of my GV101 stuff today) was enough to depress me completely. I am actually that depressed, never mind that I have come a long way from then (metaphorically).

I cannot conceive of an exam that renders me as depressed as a break up. All I can say is, fingers crossed and 5 more damn days to go. I don't think I have been so exhausted mentally and emotionally before.

I had ICCO with Zoe for dinner today

Not having to wake up to the spectre of looming Exams will be a relief. Friday, come quickly and painlessly as possible please. You have sucked enough of my life force and blood as it is.

Crappy day, go away

All I ate today has been an entire pack of dried apricots and a smoked salmon sandwich. Oh and a last remnant Ryvita crispbread. I hate today, lousy lousy when nothing went right, alongside the existing frustrating and unhappiness of yesterday.

On another note, most admirably, I found out today that the Oxfam near Goodge Tube/Charlotte Street sells unsold clothes from Urban Outfitters. I think this is very admirable, since I recall reading a few months ago how chain stores like H&M (which are lower down in the overall fashion pecking order than UO) trash their clothes rather than donate them to the needy or charity shops. I say, bravo UO - I am very impressed by their decision to donate clothes rather than destroy them out of some absurd imagined elitist notions.

American Psycho

Patrick Bateman: "I think my mask of sanity is about to slip."

Arrested Development is awesome.

"Fun and failure both start the same way".

Ah, when all else fails to left my mood, Arrested Development will.

Come on, get it over with

I am stressed out, with vague alternating bouts of stress caused depression. I think the only thing that keeps me sane and not regressing into a decomposing unwashed completely mental pile of shit is Christoph.

God, I cannot emphasise how much I loathe exams.

I am in love

with Twining's Green Tea with Pineapple and Grapefruit. Someone remind to buy like 3 boxes of this stuff before I head back to Singapore. Mmmmm.

Gawd I am so sick of exams and I have a massive urge to go shopping. I feel totally vapid and bimbotic now. Damn you end of Bretton Woods, damn you.

Sunny London

I have a massive urge to just put on a bikini and shorts and lie on the grass (with a towel of course) in Tavistock Square. The sun is really out in full force now.

The Great Gatsby

After years of saying I'd read it, I finally have and I am impressed - far more than I ever thought I would be.

I have finished editing my notes on Voting Rights, and am now left to do work on Economic History for the Apartheid.

I think I will go to Brunswick with Zoe to get a bite at the Saturday Food Market there. I am in the mood for some chocolate-y baked goods, om nom nom (and possibly a nice Argentina steak sandwich :x).

Today is the first day that I am wearing shorts. Last night I finally changed from my fluffy winter duvet into the thinner Passfield given one.

I am unable to sleep again

I have been cursed with sleeplessness again. I cannot wait for my damn melatonin to finally arrive.

While I was lying in bed and thinking, amidst the muck of things I had to do and worrying about completely unnecessary things, it occurred to me that since bringing Cheam to Portobello Market last week, this week had passed by extremely fast.

I thus started to probe and attempt to remember what happened:-

Saturday
Portobello Market with Cheam, met Denise and Mel there - ate shit loads of yummy food and had a lovely nutella and strawberry crepe. Met Cheam again for dinner and shared a whole chicken at Nando's. Went back to his place, watched Cool Runnings, fiddled about with Torchlight and watch some Family Guy.

Sunday
Mainly spent feeling stressed and revising. Insomnia started.

Monday
Exam day, ate lunch with Christoph and went back to revise Federalism. Got burnt out.

Tuesday
Went to doctor's for a check up, walked down to the National Gallery and bought cheap books from a book store that had a sex shop downstairs (wondered why there were so many males interested in Anne Bronte and Charles Dickens). Went to see Delaroche's Painting History exhibit and then met Christoph for tea/dinner.

Wednesday
Met Dexter at Waitrose to pass him a book I bought for him, bought salad things. Cooked chicken curry for dinner, watched Ali G in Da House. I cannot remember what I did from waking up to the late afternoon.

Thursday
Follow-up doctor's check up, bought KFC for lunch and went over some economic history stuff with Nadia. Came back to room half dead and started working on Voting Rights, watched the latest criminal minds episode which involved social networking sites.

Friday
Spent the day at Christoph's studying, went out to Tesco and bought food for lunch and dinner (pizza and stir fried noodles respectively). Came back, finished Post WW2 Economic Growth, and arranged to meet Dexter for lunch on Sunday. Awake and unable to sleep currently.

Saturday (hopefully)
Finish Apartheid for Economic History, go to the gym and have a nice dinner with Chen, Ching and the rest.

Baby go crazy break the rules

Completely inane and totally uncharacteristic of the music I usually listen to, I keep listening to The Ian Carey Project's Get Shaky. It just reminds me of how much I just long to break out of this whole conundrum of LSE exam-ness and pressure to study and succeed in equal measure.

Today while on the Northern Line and somewhere about Waterloo and Embankment station, I was filled with a sudden massive urge to just get off and run until I collapsed from being breathless.

But I didn't because I had a medical appointment to get to, and I was wearing heels. There is too much rationality and practicality in me to just let loose like that. How unfortunate.

I wish to be anywhere but here.

Fingers crossed baby

And somehow, I have survived my first exam :/ Hopefully I shall walk away with a 2:1 - I will be very stunned if I don't because I've been consistently scoring that for this subject and it is one of my stronger ones. I'm not even asking for a 1. Boo.

My fingers are still crossed for the rest even though they are 2 weeks away.

I shall reward myself by finally going to the National Galley's Delaroche exhibit. Yay.

Honey Bunny, this reminds me of you

I have had a very weird phrase stuck in my head the past few days that I keep forgetting to google, "Ving Rhames". Now after finally remembering to google it, I discover he's the big boss man in Pulp Fiction. I watched and read the wiki on Pulp Fiction a few weeks ago.

It always fascinated me how I have random words of which I cannot remember the source of bouncing about my head. The last time I remember something as weird as this happening is thinking of the word "Spiewak" constantly. At first I thought it was some sort of creature/machine from Star Wars and then I googled it to realise it was the brand of some super warm outdoors jacket I had been looking at weeks earlier.

This reminds me of a thing Cheam said today about how whenever he boards planes, he still listens to the safety procedures and reads the little safety brochure. This is because the mind often stores information subconsciously and as long as it is relatively fresh in the mind it is already committed to memory - ready to be drawn upon when it is needed as long as it is within a short duration of the reading.

My exams in LSE begin on Monday. I don't think I have ever been so simultaneously stressed and frustrated with my exams before - frustrated because I feel like all I do is never enough and there are still so many unknowns unlike when we were spoonfed in school. While I did do research on my own for Paper 3 History by reading John Fairbank, it is like a little drop in the very large ocean that studying for university entails. In that sense, it is far more stressful for me because there are so many unknowns.

However at the same time, I know I have done enough work for History to walk off with 2:1s. Reflecting on everything academic this school year and recognising my aim for a 1 will not come true, I think I will walk away this year at least knowing what to do and what not to do next year - and think of it as a step to getting my 1s next year.

So, all I can do now is sip my tea, look forward to getting this damn chore over with and to try again next year. No point stressing out myself anyway.

Now, if only I can maintain this calm and accepting frame of mind in 48 hours.

Studying for exams is like running on a hamster wheel

I currently feel like this:



I cannot wait for exams to be over

Hatton Gardens

Housing wise today was absolutely nutty.

First we were supposed to view a place at Marchmont Street, but 30 minutes to 4pm the agent rang me and told me that at the last minute, the tenant was unable to let us see the flat. Then 20 minutes to 4pm, another agent rang me regarding a property I inquired about on Herbrand Street and we arranged to meet there at 4:10pm.

We viewed the property (£475, bit on the small side, but good location) and then the agent told us that he was going to see another place at Hatton Gardens, £485 and asked us if we wanted to see it. With a bit of apprehension at the thought of a random place, we hopped into his car (he drove us there! Now that is a good agent) and saw the place. It was not mindblowing if you glanced at it, but really good considering the size of rooms, location and that heating bills were included. The 3 of us all liked it a lot, plus the three girls that stayed there were all from LSE and we managed to talk about the place and they were all 'It's really great/we stayed here for 2 years/It's 10 minutes walk to LSE'.

Then the next 3 people came to view the place and we were outside, all anxious that they might decide to take the place first - talking about how much we liked the place. Later as the agent started to leave (and drive us back to the first flat area) we saw the other clients and they turned out to be Rufus, Dexter and Jason -_____- we all laughed like crazy, because it was all so silly. It was then that we decided on the spot to sign the tenancy, which needed a holding deposit of a week's rent - flash forward to me dashing back to Passfield to transfer money into my current account from my savings because we could only draw £200 each time with each card.

So there it is, my new place at Hatton Gardens - jewellery shops below, a playground behind and big single rooms. I am really excited for next year, I shall buy a cheap carpet from Ikea and get random other things. Phwoahhhh :D

And the Polls are closed

I vote for the LibDems in my ward today, but realistically they stand no chance against Frank Dobson who pretty much owns the Holborn St. Pancreas constituency. I think my candidate was called Jo Shaw. I don't even remember. Either way I remember my excitement as I received my little ballot paper and made an X in a pencil. It was a bit anti-climatic because I expected a little more. Nonetheless I must say voting was quite a good/interesting experience. I would never have gotten to vote if I was in Singapore.

Now 15 minutes later as the polls are closed, I will sit by my laptop and keep refreshing to see the results come in. Anything but a Conservative win please! I am not looking forward to cuts in Education.

Aiyah

Can you see me drooling at the degrees, then crying at the fees? If only Nick Clegg wins and promises to severely reduce the price of MScs.

In another note, I badly need to start handwriting things again. Today during the mock essay, I realised I was getting a headache from a muscle in my hand crying out from being stretched. Fail la, I've been typing away too much!

I got stuck at the Battle of Trois Rivieres

I WANT TO CRY, I CAN'T CONCENTRATE STILL.

I'm going to unplug my lan cable soon.

I found an interesting website on the elections

I need to concentrate on my American Revolution notes instead of suddenly being distracted by the British General Elections 2010 -_____-

I think it's interesting that I am more Conservative than Labour though.

I just realised Nick Clegg is crazy, but I also hopes he wins

I am much better today, after snuggling in bed with an extreme large pseudo hot water bottle and watching Kung Fu Hustle. I also had Steamboat last night with Swan Yee and all at Falmouth Road yesterday, completely with yummy fish balls and slices of pork - om nom nom. And TOFU :D

I feel very sleepy suddenly, which is weird considering that I am also very stressed out today (thanks Tim Leunig and your EH101 Exam Skills lecture) because I have mock exams tomorrow for History and I need to do more work for it :/ More like I need to refresh and consolidate all in one night (thanks Tank flu for making me useless and jellyfish like all weekend) on the American Revolution because it is the only topic I have not written for an exam yet. Fingers crossed baby. I can pull an all nighter! Somehow! Because I am awesome!

As for Nick Clegg, I just looked closely at his education plan: "Scrap tuition fees for all first degree students". I'll vote fot him anyway, because messing with the British is the exact thing I'd love to do. Also! Lower pound to sgd rate from political instability will be awesome. I might be able to wriggle more pounds out of my parents.

If I google all my symptoms, I get articles about Swine Flu

I fell sick yesterday, but started feeling crappy on Friday night. I've never felt so wretched from a mere flu before in my life. Last night my body was aching so much that I couldn't sleep. Sucks.

I just had a Strepsils because my throat feels sore

I feel like a feverish soft centered (perhaps liquidy?) Chocolate bonbon now. Or perhaps a one of those soft capsules with liquid inside, like those amber clear soft pills with Vitamin E inside it. Either way I feel liquid inside, squishy, malleable, a viscous like liquid which fills out the hollow of my insides.

My cheeks are flushed, my thoughts random and rapid, my temper quick to flare and my heart ready to feel sad. Headaches keep increasing in frequency, and my stomach refuses to digest food properly. I feel feverish and cold at the same time.

I don't think I've ever gotten such a terrible PMS before.

Ate dinner outdoors today, in the cold

I just found out one of the guys I am friendly here with (a Johannes, interestingly named enough) is going back to Germany the next academic year, for good because he is switching to Medicine from International Relations. He was in the same class as me for 1 EH101 lesson (before switching to PH) and for all of my GV100 lessons. Plus we live in the same hall. I can't say we were really close, but the idea of a friend leaving so soon (for good) just makes me feel a great sense of loss.

(Cinematic) Orgasms in the Sky

I just booked tickets for Buben Baraban and Crush for Thursday evening. Zoe is joining me for Crush later at 8:30pm, but I shall be catching Buben Baraban earlier.

I'm so excited! I just love film festivalssssss. Reminds me of how in the middle of the O levels I went out to watch Day of Glory at The Picturehouse. Cinematic orgasms indeed. Phwoahhhh.

Now, to cross my fingers and hope that something drastic like getting knocked over by a car doesn't happen to me till Thursday.

East End Film Festival 2010

http://www.eastendfilmfestival.com/index.php?/home/

DROOL. I am so disappointed that I did not notice the flyer in the ULU gym earlier. Argh!

Still, so many lovely movies and so little time/money. I just want to catch them all!

Will be watching Disco and Atomic Wars with Christoph, hooray. I hope Zoe wants to watch some movies too. I would ask Jia, but she's got exams. Damn.

"Passim"

Dear GV101 Coordinator,

You are an asshole for writing "A. Lijphart ed. Parliamentary versus Presidential Government, OUP, 1992, introduction and passim" as part of the course reading when a more accessible word would have sufficed.

Yours Sincerely,

A GV101 Student

The Golden Age

Economic History talks of the Golden Age of Economic Growth which occur mainly from the 1950s to 1973 - the post WWII recovery era till the first Oil Crisis. For the past few days I have been up to my eye(balls? brows?) with such readings. They are a most happy thing compared to readings on The End of The Golden Age (post-1973) and things such as Failure of Russian Economy, The 1930s Debt Crisis. As a course, EH101 is lovely lovely thing to study. It is a wonderful convergence of history, politics and little bits of IB economics converging together. Preparing for exams however, is quite a pain because the scope is far too wide and amorphous. It is probably one of the most structureless, anchorless modules to study for in the LSE exams.

Anyway that is not what compelled me to write again. I am more than often frustrated with the course, let alone wax lyrical about how it is (because I am always leaning to complaining more than appreciating, yes I am that crotchety old cat lady that lives down the street). Instead it made me think about my own Golden Age, which I know well is happening before my eyes now - despite all the negativity that has been flowing about my veins about everything related to life in general (and no, contrary to certain rumours I am nowhere near suicidal or anything pertaining to the matter of depression).

A Chew told me once (or perhaps many times?) about how the Golden Age really occurs in ones youth, when we are not belaboured by words like Boss, Responsibility and Mortgage and at the same time possess the new word of Independence. I think I got a false start at this, mainly because when I came down to London I fell quickly in love with another that preferred playing foosball to spending time with me. I never had time to discover myself in a new country, though there was definitely development in experience and character.

Now 3 months on, I find myself surrounded by new things and new people. I am faced with new and happier possibilites after old doors have been shut to me. As for the distant past, I have now come to peace with it in my own odd way and talked to old friends that I once consigned into the past. I've freaked out about being alone enough, travelled with friends in the UK and strengthened old friendships. As the academic year draws closer to the end with (urgh) exams, I am left once more to evaluate my time in London, and though the diagnosis is bittersweet in the short term, I know in the long term it will bring about sweeter things.

I hate Bran Flakes

On the second day, Jiayun and I missed breakfast because we were so tired and slept in. Daryl, ever the wonderful and conscientious person, woke up on time and collected breakfast for us instead. Well, he took two boxes of Bran Flakes and I hate Bran Flakes. Something about it just sounds too healthy to be tasty. It's like eating Cardboard Flakes. So I came up with a wild notion (my mind is most fertile of wild notions when I am around Daryl, especially) to feed it to ducks.

At the end of the day, when we were all too exhausted the three of us gathered next to the river than runs next to St Hilda's college and I finally got to feed Bran Flakes to three ducks that wandered by. They started pecking at each other to get to the food and three soft duck down feathers floated down the river after a fit of violence. Daryl stopped me from attempting to murder a duck by throwing an apple at it (also obtained from breakfast).

And this event, is how I choose to remember Oxford with Jia and Daryl - random, silly and bathed in the soft hues of sunshine in a city of spires. Also probably wildly inappropriate and surprising, with a gigantic goose who flew to the ducks and scared me so I ducked behind Daryl.

We had two really exceptionally good meals - one Japanese at place called Endamame (lovely pink and green seaweed salad, salmon hotpot and free flow tea) and Rice Box, 4 overflowing plates of meat and rice for 8 pounds per person. Then there was Moo (I think), the milkshake place where this lactose intolerant person had a fruit blend drink instead. S&D ice-cream, Bailey's cream was also absolutely delightful. Even the random Chicken Tikka microwave meal tasted good - because these were all meals that were eaten together with the best of friends.

The Ballroom, this vintage store nearby St Hilda's was also delightful. We ended up going there everyday and I bought 2 scarves, a handbag and a dress for 14 pounds. Plus I finally got Daryl his 19th birthday gift, a nice manly scarf. Arcadia was another treasure trove and I bought some nice cards and 3 books - one a delightful collection of dirty limericks for a pound 50p. Jia and I also somehow went to Bicester village as well (with an extremely reluctant Daryl who ended up buying a pair of shoes and two pairs of pants I might add - Jia bought the least with a pair of gloves and a scarf I think) and I got two blouses and a pair of gloves.

Best of all of course was the conversation - next to cold fires while drinking in a very Oxford pub (you could hear names like Grotius echoing in the background), lying in bed in our room, whilst walking along Magdalen Park, up in some church tower, in Blackwell's Art and Poster store, on the bus to Bicester village and back, over multiple meals. I don't think I've been so silly or laughed so much in such a long time.

In short, Oxford was awesome, and would not have been so without my two lovely companions, Daryl and Jiayun. However good things cannot last, and it ended with the three of us half sprinting down to Gloucester Green to catch the 9:10pm Oxford Tube to London Victoria. As I was about to leave Jia at Warren Street tube station, we hugged and were surrounded by a group of black youths who started laughing manically at the sight of us hugging and half surrounded us (11:30pm-ish, London). Then as I was one block away from my dorm, I passed a prostitute who shouted 'what are you looking at?' at me, still clasping a condom between her teeth, when I was just trying to glance at the road in order to cross safely.

Oh God, London. I do loathe thee.

Chicken Stir Fry

Inspired by the stir fry I had in Strasbourg and in the 4th Floor Restaurant in LSE, I cooked stir fry recently.

Long Beans - 1 pound

Leafy Veg (Pak Choi or something, can't remember the name) - 1 pound

Can of corn kernels - free from relatives

Chicken 400g - 3.50 (buy two for 7 pounds)

Soy Sauce

1 cup rice

Black Pepper

Serves 4 meals = about 1 pound 40p per meal

Om nom nom nom. That and the Waterzooi I cooked last week with Hardeep. I shall aim to cook chicken curry before school reopens, and boring old spaghetti bolognese. That's for next week I suppose since I'm going to Oxford from Wednesday to Friday. School is school, life is life - though my life might have just taken yet another unexpected twist just 24 hours ago. The end results are yet to be seen.

Meanwhile: I am hungry again >:(

500 Days of Summer

I don't think I could have watched a movie that more reminded me of my past relationship. At the end of the movie, I was depressed, because it reminded me of everything - yet where was my Autumn? This got me thinking about the relationship all over again, and the things that have been happening recently.

1) Falling in love take courage, and it is this courage that I now lack;

2) I'm over him, but I'm not over how everything played out. I still remember the hell that I went through;

3) I am incredibly scared of being taken for granted and dumped on a vague lark again;

4) I am more traumatised of committing than I have ever been;

5) The idea of commitment gives me panic attack like feelings;

6) I want to fall in love again.

7) I don't know how people stay married for life anymore.

All At Sea

I wish I could make the problems of all my friends and loved ones go away. If not, I wish I could make all of their problems mine so that they least may be spared the heartbreak and heartache that life in it's own various ways brings to us. It seems ever so evident to me now that I have only been granted half of my wish - but I always wish I could do more. It hurts me that I am unable to help as much as I want to.

I am undecided if this is a curse or a gift.

The last stir fry I had was in Strasbourg and it was surprisingly yummy. Om nom nom.

So apparently I've started revision today - starting with my favourite monarch (maybe, I can't decide if that thought came to my mind in earnest or sarcastically), Charles V.

I went to the gym today and it was a nice short stroll. As I walked outside Gordon Square park, a black London cab passed me with two men in suits inside. My first thought was 'oh no, Patrick Bateman!'. I think I'll either watch American Psycho soon, or Psycho. Zoe is back anyway, ohoho. Though of course I doubt she'll be much help if a raging crazy psychopath comes and tries to drink my blood.

I cooked Waterzooi the other day, with Hardeep. It was all a very silly affair and we were giggling like shit because I was quite lost and didn't buy all the ingredients (it was expensive!!!) and he came and helped me. We stole butter from the fridge and salt and pepper (because I couldn't find mine). Plus I had to use leek in the ingredients, and I didn't even know what it looked like just hours before (I had to read all the labels in the supermarket) and when I chopped it up it was based on a wild guess about which the important bits were. I realised I even forgot to peel the carrots before throwing them in, hahaha.

It could have been an unequivocal disaster, but somehow, it turned into some awesome stew. Well, it wasn't quite Waterzooi, but it was creamy and nice, and ohmahgawd the leeks were awesome (so I did put in the proper bits). I think I am in love with leeks. It's got that onioney feel to it without being overpowering like the way onions are.

For tonight I'll attempt random stir fry. I remember buying garlic last Nov because I was a good girlfriend who wanted to cook Ba Ku Teh for her ex's birthday and ended up with left over (okay I so need to stop being bitter), so hopefully uh they're still edible and cookable. Fingers crossed again.

It seems I have my fingers crossed often, especially when it comes to cooking.

I feel very sick and unstable.

How My Heart Behaves

Just a few weeks ago, outside Euston Station, I bought a copy of the Big Issue from a man. He sat under one of those yellowey street lamps. I just had dinner with Hardeep, Chai, Chen, boy Zhi Wei and Shon Lee at Ed's Diner. As I leaned over to give him 2 pounds for the Big Issue, his dog which sat by the side of him startled me by getting up a little and I giggled. He thanked me. He was sitting down and and huddled under sleeping blankets. It was like 5 degrees out and windy. I remember the issue was on Craig David and I flipped through it and giggled at the the classified ad I found at the back. Later in the night, we watched 3 Idiots (which I highly recommend to everyone).

Today I walked by the spot and there was a little sign stuck onto a tree nearby his spot. The sign said, RIP Big Issue Seller, Dermot. There were flowers laid against a tree.

I almost cried there and then. It pains me to think of how he possibly could have died.

I saw a large lost looking dog digging through the Garbage at the Quaker Friend's House later. I could swear it was his dog.

I feel incredibly overwhelmed coming back to reality. The holiday with my parents was great, and I was effectively operating on autopilot for the past one and a half weeks, but now I find myself suddenly thrust back into Adulthood and Exams and I feel overwhelmed, like there is so much to do but I don't know how to do it. I wish I could have gone back to Singapore with my parents. I don't think I'm very good with the whole growing up thing. Or being alone for that matter.

I feel terrible again, and I want to go and stay home.