I need to move on

So there I was last night, having fun and dancing with friends when I just happen to look across the dancefloor (somehow the waves of people had parted for just a split second) and I see him there with that God-I'm-so-uncomfortable look on his face. The same face I remember from the first week of crush where we left LSE taking care of two tipsy people, the same face I remember from the night of the Malaysian Boat Party (how the hell did I just sum up my entire partying career in a mere paragraph? I am evidently a loser) - and my heart stopped for a moment. He was wearing the same outfit as the night we got together. And his face? That was the expression I fell in love with, for some absurd reason.

Last night I did the same things I did with him those nights, I dragged friends who looked uncomfortable out to dance with - hoping they'd be able to share in the fun too. And every time I did it, I thought of the times I did it for him all because I wanted him to have fun and I wanted to see him smile. And they did, even if just for a moment, they laughed, they smiled for me. And it crossed my mind for a moment to do for to him again, despite all the anger that has been racing through my blood the past few days and in the one spare moment I just wanted to see him enjoy himself and see him smile his weird smile again.

I am not by nature an angry person. The problem with me being angry for a sustained period of time especially is that it messes with me like crazy. Whenever I fight with a friend, every time I see that person I get upset again - feeling anger and hurt in equal overwhelming parts. If you remove that person from my sight it gets pseudo better, I can shelve my anger for another period where in the interim it festers like crazy - but if I see the person all the time or am constantly reminded me of them, things become unbearable. And that is how I feel now. Why am I hurt and angry? Because I poured so much love and effort into a relationship, because I feel worthless now in your eyes, because I feel like I'm not good enough for you and you dumped me, because you did it so suddenly and inconsiderately, but mostly it was because you made up your mind to leave and spent more than a month before you could tell me - time that could have been spent together trying to work on things.

The day before he left me I emailed a frantic email to a certain Hadi. In it I outlined everything, the situation and how badly I was feeling. And what he said broke my heart, "Mel it's not so much that he doesn't want to spend time with you, it's that he doesn't want to spend any time with you" (well along those lines anyway). So there it is outlined, I had become a burden dragging him down. The knowledge that you're a burden hurts. It says you're not worth the effort. It says I'm too good for you. It says, no screams, you are worthless in my eyes.

That is certainly how I feel now, worthless. Crap appearance, crap attitude, crap personality, crap behaviour. I have never felt so judged as a person before in my life, not by any teacher, parent nor 'friend'. I cannot even accuse my ex-es or the people I regularly dislike of this. He was one of the people that knew me closely and rejected me as a result. That feeling, is palpable hurt that cannot be remedied by anyone else.

I need to resume finding myself again, after stopping because of school work.