Tonight is the night to let it go

So baby don't worry, you are my only,
You won't be lonely even if the sky is falling down.

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I still remember the night when I was at Cheam's place and I saw the video for this song (we laughed at how Jay Sean looked like a bigger Mel Chandi). I laughed especially at Jay Sean's dancing in the video because it reminded me of how you danced - and how you hated dancing and always looked awkward doing it. I guess you must have copied it somewhere. That was you in my eyes, awkward and sort of loser-ish - and for some reason I loved you so much for it. I fell in love with you exactly for who I saw in you, another person trying struggling to cope with the world and the place that we had been put in. However for as much as I let you in, you kept me out. No matter how much love I gave I could never penetrate the walls that you put up, walls of frustration, unfulfilled ambition and fear.

I have learnt a very painful lesson from all of this. That no matter how much love and trust you put into a relationship, it will never be enough if the other person cannot put forth and open themselves as much as you have. That the romantic notion of love changing everything doesn't quite exist in actuality, because I gave all the love I could possible muster, all the patience, all the energy and effort, but yet I still could not save the relationship on my own.

You kept me out yourself, and you blocked me out even though I tried my best to reach through to you. I loved you so much but you could not bring yourself to do the same. And it hurts trying to come to terms with this, for someone as optimistic as I am that for everything I put in, you put in but a marginal percentage, and that all the love in the world could not have resulted in a happy ending for me.

I no longer wake up with you on my mind, nor are you the last thing on my mind when I sleep at night. Yet as inexplicably as the rest that have left me, your name has been etched on the muscle of my beating heart - scars that will heal but never go away. I might be but a footnote in your life, but you have occupied a whole chapter in mine.

Instead tonight before I sleep I will think of a boy with blonde hair and blue eyes, sometimes hidden behind metallic glasses and sometimes not. And I will wonder if he'll be turning up for lecture and classes tomorrow, and hold on to the hope that he will, for the sight of him brings joy to my heart - a joy that it has been deprived of since the day I flew off to go home for Winter.