Only when I sleep

Only when I sleep,
I see you in my dreams

I am afraid to go to sleep tonight. For the past three nights and past three mornings I have dreamt of him and woken up with full blown panic attacks as a result. The mental and physical trauma is becoming more than I can handle, especially when I am suffering from a lack of sleep. I can no longer rest because I am so scared of what will happen tomorrow morning when I wake up.

This is a trauma that is so deep rooted that cannot be reached by any one on any level. It's a fear of what comes within that no one can reach, comfort, or take away. It's not emotional pain that subsides slowly with the soothing words of a friend, it's not physical pain that can be taken away with panadine. It's not even a nightmare that I can be woken up from. Instead it's an emotional terror that shoots deep from the core where I am terrified of the places my dreams will take me and the physical pain that manifests as a result. And the worst is that I am all alone in this when I'm sleeping. No one can come and comfort or distract me when the terror hits.

When I am awake I can fight, but when I am unconscious I am helpless.

I am scared to sleep.