New Years Resolutions - 2015

Some resolutions for the new year ahead, something I haven't done (that is, actually thought of and resolved to do) for the past few years, we'll see if the ones I made now pan out:
Resolution 1 - Lose weight to 54kg
Reason: Have been middling about 55kg for the past few years, until now when I seem to have hit 56-57kg. Not cool.

Resolution 2 - Visit Mexico, see Aztec ruins
Reason: Meant to book a trip to do it this Winter break, but procrastinated so much/got distracted by other things, and hence never booked anything. UGH.

Resolution 3 - Get a summer internship
Reason: Is very very very important to helping me determine what I want/need to do in my career.

Resolution 4 - Watch an opera
Reason: Again, meant to watch one a few months ago, but kept putting it off, until the Met opera took a break for the winter season. Must watch Carmen within the new few months, if I am ever to experience an opera performance at all!

Resolution 5 - Get a driving licence
Reason: I would like to get this crucial life skill over and done with, thanks.

A List of Lists Of 2014

Places I visited:

1) Ipoh, Malaysia

2) Boracay, Philippines

3) Romania

4) Frankfurt, Germany

5) Philadelphia, USA

Places I have uprooted to from Singapore:

- Skillman, New Jersey, USA

- Teacher's College, New York City, New York, USA

Things I have consumed since waking up today:

- Remaining sliver of bread loaf, with slice of swiss cheese and (awesome) sweet Lebanon bologna 

- One banana

- Leftover brussel sprouts with turkey bacon

- Leftover cauliflower cheese

- Leftover creamed spinach

- Not-nice goldfish crackers

- One hibiscus flower (that tastes like hawthorn flakes)

Music I purchased in 2014:

1) Sia's Chandelier

2) L'amour est un oiseau rebelle, from Carmen

3) Handsome Family's Far from Any Road

4) Etta James' Swing Low

5) One Republic's Counting Stars

6) Lighthouse Family's High

7) Clean Bandit's Rather be

8) Echosmith's Cool kids 

9) Lorde's Royals

Things I have learnt in my first semester of Masters:

W4170x, History of the First Crusade - humans behaviour doesn't really change, but excuses do. Also gained a new appreciation for the many different accounts of events.

A&HH 4070, History of American Education - education can be, and is, a scarily powerful and political tool. Who on earth would've thought to create a whole type of special school devoted to eliminating the Native American culture? Americans did! ALSO: American education system is super fucked up.

ITSF 4613, Peace and Human Rights Education - how education, and even the way how things are taught can eventually effect great changes in society. Also gained much, much, much greater insight into the (lack of) rights of women in greater society due to existing structures).

ITSF 4090, Issues and Institutions in Educational Development - ideas about the function of education and school, awareness of core vs. periphery/north vs. south, ideas and problems about the existing field of top-down, UN large-scale type development

Types of clothes I wore for the first time in 2014:

- Black leggings

- Sweaters

- Jean leggings from Uniqlo

- Semi-sporty North Face winter jacket (because it's so cold and I can't be bothered to use my less-warm Winter coat)

- Fleece pyjama bottoms

- Ankle boots (that my Mum bought for me as a parting gift in Germany, that I absolutely love)

- Sperry topsiders (influenced by Lauren, my cousin)

- Reverted back to wearing plain, fitted t-shirts

Other miscellaneous milestones:

- Receiving no rejections from the 3 universities I applied to (TC, accepted; UPenn, accepted; Stanford, waitlisted)

- Learning how to drive a car, but failing the road test (50/50 for the Final Theory Test though!)

- Learning how to live with cats

- Parasailing with Dad in Boracay

- Cliff diving in Boracay

- Filling in many gaps of knowledge of the Middle Ages

- Finishing puzzles with my Aunt and Uncle over the Christmas break

- Figuring out the damn NYC subway system

- Learning how to use liquid eyeliner, although it still smudges

- Wearing glasses again, because one eye has slightly fuzzy vision

- Participating in qin ming with my grandparents

- Seeing the Thanksgiving float inflation

- (SORT OF) watching the Rockefeller Christmas Tree light up ceremony

- Finishing two different cross-stitch patterns (gifts for my Mum and Aunt Cat)

- Removing all my wisdom teeth

- Learning how to floss, finally

- Quitting my first job

- Tutoring/helping out/experiencing adult education (for GEDs)

Things I want to achieve in 2015:

- Get a driving license

- Visit Mexico, see the ruins!

- See the cherry blossoms bloom in Washington DC

- Finish a third cross-stitch

- Get an internship, preferably in some peace education place

New Favourite Music Video

Clean Bandit's Rather Be, simply because it's so cute. First saw it just under a week ago when I hung out with Shirin and Jerrine in K-Town to celebrate the end of the term (and the successful submission of all my work!)

Captions

Shit, this is the funniest subtitle I've seen in ages. I laughed, out loud. 

My Room

Stupid shit aside, I really do love my room. It's where all the things I like are: my computer, my books, my candles, my red panda stuffed toy, my food, and so on so forth. It's where I feel the most comfortable in the USA. It helps that today is an exceptionally sunny day, and my room get lots of mid-day sun.

On Thursday I submitted and presented the case study that I did with my group members for my core class, ITSF 4090, for which I am extremely glad, because it allows me to spend the rest of the remaining days of the term (4 days, plus today!) working on 3 different papers. Their progress report is roughly follows:

ITSF 4613 - Peace and Human Rights Ed. 70%
A&HH 4070 - History of American Ed. 70%
W4170x - History of the First Crusade 80%

So, just a few more days till I can finally relax and feel free!

First Finals Week

Typing really quickly, I just typed "Fucker of Chartres" when I really meant to type "Fulcher of Chartres", and am now immensely amused by my typo. Finals week indeed.

My Sad Rejection Song

My sad rejection song (which I must have listened to at least 10 times yesterday), is Kasey Chamber's Not Pretty Enough. True story. Then again I'm also rather nutty.

Lexapro

I went without any of my regular meds this past weekend in NJ, because on Thursday evening, I rushed out and clean forgot to bring my meds (along with a warmer jacket). As a result over the last day, plus today, I'm feeling totally fried. I think my brain is shooting WTF signals all over my body because it's shocked by the lack of SSRIs. As a result I thought I was having mini/quasi-fainting spells and was going to have a spectacular fall and eat dirt soon. I should probably have been more panicked when things started happening, but I feel so tired and zonked from all my school work that my capacity to feel anxious seems to have flown clean out of the window. Funny coping mechanisms. 

This also means of course, that it is super hard for me to concentrate on anything. Because I occasionally feel like I'm being zapped. Also I feel bloody tired.

This weekend was an eventful one. On Friday, my Uncle brought me all over the areas as I tried to get my DMV testing done. We ended up having to go to the Social Security office in Trenton (sketchy) and the back to the DMV area, where I promptly failed the written test, because I didn't know crap like 1 and 1/2 ounces of whiskey being equivalent to 12 ounces of beer (who the fuck uses ounces anyway? Oh wait - THE AMERICANS). Saturday I watched my Aunt potter around getting reading for the early Thanksgiving dinner, went grocery shopping for her, and ended off my day by going on a date for yummy pizza in Hopewell, and watching Interstellar. Sunday I woke up really late and tired (PLUS with extra brain zaps), and then came the Thanksgiving dinner where all the family friends came over. Today I am back in the city, and somehow attended and survived class without seeming too muddle-headed.

I have just taken the Lexapro. I really should have taken it earlier in the day, when I got back around the afternoon, but thought I could tough it out till tomorrow since I'd already missed my regular medcine-consuming time (the morning). Now however I am feeling spaced out as and trying hard to think coherently.

I think I've learnt my lesson to be more careful about this kind of thing.

Relationships

I think I've been so deprived of intimate relations with a male for so long that I've started falling in love with (almost!) every other male I meet. I imagine possibilities, of laughing together, holding hands, and snuggling up with a movie. What a sad, sad outcome.

Then again, this is the longest I've been single since I was 19. This month makes it 1 year and 3 months since I've been in any relationship. Not sure whether to go 'boo' or be relieved at the drama-free-ness of it all. But for today it'll be a 'boo'. 

Bull

Blah, I don't think I believe in the nonsense I'm writing for this paper >.<

Meh

After a shitty and depressive last week, and a plodding but OK weekend, I feel completely grounded down and tired today. Every damn thing is tedious. I have to finish my readings for tomorrow's History of American Education Class (ok, but not exactly exciting reading), do a reading response for that, while jugging a theory paper due on Wednesday for my Peace Education and Human Rights class (that makes me feel like I'm squeezing blood of a rock while simultaneously pounding my head against a brick wall). Meanwhile I just finished eating dinner and cleaned up - steamed mince pork and egg - that took forever to cook because apparently the voltage on my Singapore-bought rice cooker is not happy with the voltage of my US-based power outlet. I just feel incredibly ground down by everything, and I'm still unsure of what exactly I'm doing/my potential place as an ostensibly contributing member of society.

Then again, I noticed today that one of my classmates in my Crusades class had changed his facebook profile picture from one of him and his fiancee to a nondescript one, and in class I noticed his wedding band was gone. I guess there are always other people dealing with far, far more shit.

The Main Issue

I think the reason I get so upset about this whole Educational/Development thing is because I really really really loathe rhetoric, politics and people arguing about unrealistic things. I like straight facts, practicality, unemotional things (because after all, we're talking about real lives! In the same time frame we're talking about these things!). I find myself profoundly frustrated about this whole affair, and all I want to do is withdraw into the relative calmness of History where we're not talking about real suffering and current problems. PAH.

Life Questions

I woke up this morning, and felt depressed. I have not felt this depressed in a long time, and not even when Joaquin broke up with me, because that was a certain sort of sadness but not one that felt critical to my entire being (I exaggerate, I hope). See, since I've entered TC I've always questioned whether I'm in the right place. I'm happy here alright, but is it the best place for me? It boils down again to me wondering whether I made the right decision: to pursue History or to pursue Education? The reason I didn't chose History was because I felt the path was harder and it might be harder for me to find a job. Practical, economic, scaredy-cat reasons. So I turned to Education instead, thinking of it as a route where I could apply my passion and love, and do the most for the world around me.

Now however as I struggle with my readings for TC and wonder if there's a point to all of this, I wonder how happy I'd really be doing research for NGOs, when I'd much rather be scrabbling around a dusty archive and creating the knowledge that people will study. I am afraid, and scared that I will not be happy. That I am paying all this money, and putting in all this effort, only to end up unhappy at the end. That I will not be following my dream, that I will sorely regret it, that I will not live up to my fullest potential.

So for most of today I just lay in bed. Zoning out. Occasionally drifting in and out of sleep. Neglecting all the goddamned work I have to do. I feel like tearing out of frustration, because the solution could be so easy, for it all lies within me. Yet, I am unable to yank an answer out. And all I can do is pray for wisdom and comfort.

All from my Crusades professor asking me in passing, after class had ended, How Was I Finding TC?

"I don't know, I wonder if I have made the wrong choice."

Class Readings and Questions

Yesterday I met Arjun in Princeton (after not having seen him for a good handful of years). After we had lunch and tea, I crossed the road to the Princeton public library to try and finish my readings for my class on the First Crusade. On the ground level at the back of the library I found a table with just one other person sitting at it, asked for permission to sit down, and dragged out my readings - Canon 2 of the Council of Clermont (1095) and the Goal of the Eastern Crusade: "To liberate Jerusalem" or "To liberate the Church of God"? and Pope Urban II's Council of Piacenza to name a few. I felt lethargic and zoned out after hanging out with Arjun, plus we had drank some pretty unsatisfactory Thai Iced Tea that now made me feel sick. The writer's argument was subtle, and I kept reading the same lines over and over again, trying to wrap my mind about what exactly he was trying to say. Around me I could see people napping, and I wanted to join in too. I read the same lines over and over.

While pouring over my reading, I heard a strange whisper sound come from my right. As I turned to look, my mind registered the noise, "Are you in college here?" I realised it was the guy sitting to my right, who had been tapping away on his macbook and making small noises here and there as he worked. We ended up having a great chat (with stage whispers and lowered tones) for quite some time and he told me he was working on a business proposal for a wearable medical monitor akin to those fitness bands that are in vogue now. He seemed decent, intelligent and nice. Then he asked, "Would you be interested in having dinner with an old man?" His face had flushed as the question left his mouth.

For you see, he had mentioned his age earlier. He was 62 (but he didn't look it). He was divorced, and had two sons. The oldest one was 29, and the youngest 22. I calculated in my mind: he was 38 when I was born. He was older than my parents. He could technically be my grandfather. But we'd had a genuinely nice conversation, and he did not give off creepy vibes at all. So I smiled and said yes, That Would Be Nice, and we exchanged numbers. Then he left, and I tried to refocus my racing heart on my reading.

The whole encounter made (and is still making!) me think about what it was about him that I found nice, and what things it implied about me. That I was tired of young oafs and all they entailed? That the idea of a quiet, simple courtship sounded appealing and non threatening, never mind that he could be my grandfather? That I didn't mind hitching my wagon onto someone who would most definitely die years before my time, if it meant some normalcy? Goodness knows. I know I'm thinking too much about things, but I find it curious that I am in such a situation.

Life, is indeed terribly surprising.

As a side note, he texted soon after he left, asking me out for tea. I told him (in truth) that I was woefully busy with work this weekend, and probably would not be able to meet up. Who knows if anything else will happen?

Too Much Sleep

I'm doing it again, I'm sleeping waaaaay too much. Too much to the point that it gets bad because I feel all lethargic and half awake. Problem is when I wake up for the first time, usually around 8am, I think about what I need to do for the day - and it's usually not terribly exciting at all - and so I lie there and zone out. Then I fall back to sleep and wake up again at either 10:30am or 11am and I feel funny all over because I've gone and slept too much, and now I don't feel refreshed at all. Gosh.

---

I'm back at the Helfriches' again, for the second week in a row. There's something comforting about this place as I suppose as even though it's not my home, it is a home I'm familiar with. There are people and cats around, so I don't feel lonely, and there's lots of space for me to stretch out around. This week I even brought over boxes of tea that I ordered online from Stash Tea, enabling me to enjoy a proper morning cuppa (no more tastes-of-paper-tea bag-tea!). I should be content, I should be happy, but I cannot help but feel that something is missing.

Last night I skyped my Mama. About a week ago, my Dad bought her an ipad, probably to cheer her up after her knee replacement operation. Since then she's been trying to get it to work. Yesterday night on my parent's prompting, I called her. What was alarming and unusual however, was that after she asked if I was OK, she started crying. I could hear her voice crack and hear her choke up, and that made me feel more sad than anything on earth. It made me want to shout "SCREW THIS" and hop on a plane back to Singapore, and snuggle up to her again. After all, it isn't like I've figured out exactly what I'm doing here.

Unlike my undergrad where I knew I was meant to be, doing masters is a whole different kettle of fish. I feel less certain about what I'm doing, and more scared about what this means for my future working life. I keep thinking about what I've chosen, and if its close enough to what I want to achieve in life. But then of course I've led to the question of what it IS I want to achieve in life. Ideally it's a career where I can both do policy/academic research, and still teach a few classes, which sounds an awful lot like academia. And I want to work in a terribly specific field too - using past historical conflicts as a basis to teach students/THE WORLD about peace and avoidance of war. Aye aye aye. Am I barking up the wrong tree?

In other news, I have a dehydrated headache now.

Skin Tones

Realised just now in the shower that my skin appears to be 3 different tones. The lightest tone is in spots of my body where the sun has never shone, an intermediary one from when I went to the beach with my parents in May (swimsuit tan lines still visible and all), and the darkest shade from my adventures of the past 3 weeks in Romania (probably very slightly only) and NYC (probably the biggest contributor).

After typing this, I will get ready and I will get out of my room and I will go somewhere there are people and study. 

Room 729

Towards the end of last week I received an email from the Residential Office offering me alternative accommodation at a different dormitory for US$7,900 a term. Needless to say I turned them down, as it meant paying US$1,500 a month vs. US$1,000 a month for my present (but totally unideal) room. So today (when I came back after fleeing to New Jersey again for the weekend), I started unpacking properly. Now there is only an unpacked box and luggage at one side of my room, a vast improvement from before when there were more unpacked luggages.

Other differences compared to last week:

1) The kitchen taps no longer function - I had to go to the supermarket to buy a gallon jug of water because I refused to use the taps in the toilet to fill up my water jug

2) 'New' cushion for my chair - appropriated from the Helfrich household to spare my bum from aches on the hard desk chair

3) Weather is now much more pleasant and cool - hooray for Fall approaching!

4) Changed the backgrounds on my phone - took me several tries to get the right background

5) Reading On Beauty by Zadie Smith - versus The Unnamed by Joshua Ferris 

Some things the same as last week:

1) Feeling homesick and lonely

2) Walking blocks because I feel homesick and lonely

3) Reading books which make me think of my present circumstances

4) Easting stupidly overpriced (at least in my opinion) Asian food for dinner

5) Skyping family because I feel homesick and lonely

I know I should totally seize the opportunity to get out! and make friends! but I honestly don't know how to do the last one. And I do go out. Today I explored Broadway (from W. 123rd to W. 101st), and popped into every single Duane Reade on the way (3? 4? I forget) to search for a particular make up brand because I had nothing else better to do. Only thing is, with every happy person I saw socialising on the street, I wanted to run up to them with a CV typed up of my best Friend Attributes and beg them to adopt me. Or hold up a sign saying "BEFRIEND ME! I'M PRETTY AWESOME!". 

I'm so not a fan of big unfriendly cities.

A Round up of Romanian Castles

Tonight, I will spend my first night in my dorm room. I feel uncomfortable because I don't know anyone around me, have no idea how to meet anyone (knock on doors?), am still stuck on the male side of the dorm (which means I can't fully unpack in case a female room opens), and am missing rubbish like pillows and shampoo because the bloody mail room is closed (work on Sundays goddamn it!). Meanwhile I find my anxiety going through the roof (ahaha, of course) as I start to panic and do my best to avoid Bad Dark Thoughts and be Optimistic Instead.

I really just feel like running all the way back to my Aunt's place in New Jersey.

-----

Romania has 5 main touristy castles/fortresses: Bran Castle (most closely associated with the Dracula legend), Peles Castle (beautiful, but more like a palace), Rasnov Fortress, Corvin Castle and Fargaras Fortress. Of these, the first 2 are most well known, and the last two, the least well known, which doesn't make much sense.

Bran Castle
- The number #1 tourist attraction in Romania, and extremely touristy
- Very very crowded
- Restored, but very bare
- Minimal English historical write ups available

Peles Castle
- Very beautifully decorated, and very dramatic
- Set in a lovely forested area
- Open only select days and timings
- Historically used only as a summer home, so not much historical significance
- No English write ups at all (cause it wasn't open!)

Rasnov Fortress
- Largely unrestored, and accessible either by walking up the hill or by taking a tractor-train ride
- Almost zero historical information in English
- Filled with touristy shops - it was more like a bazaar

Corvin Castle
- In the midst of being restored
- Poor surroundings, it's in the middle of a rotting industrial zone (???)
- Very spectacular and breathtaking, it rises out like a formidable behemoth, with it's wooden bridge and all
- Again, minimal English write up, majority of it was in Romanian

Fargaras Fortress
- Not a very popular tourist attraction, and massively underrated
- Had the best English write ups, museum, and restoration
- Amazing, well fortified, visitors are able to walk all over with almost no restrictions
- Least crowded and most comfortable of all the castles and fortresses
- Even houses the local library, so it serves a purpose in the community

In sum, of all of the castles and fortresses we visited, I loved and enjoyed Fargaras the most.

A Student Again

In slightly over a week (a Wednesday I think), I will be starting life again as a new student, about 5 years after I first entered university as an undergraduate. As I think about this from the room I'm staying in with my parents in Sibiu, Romania, I cannot help but feel apprehensive and yet excited. For the past few days I've been travelling with my parents in Romania, and it's been great because I got to both see a nice new place and spend quality time with them. On the other hand now that our trip is drawing to an end (in just 3 more nights, counting this 1!), I'm starting to feel anxious again.

I'm feeling anxious because:
- Oh God I've got a chance again to make something bigger out of my life...
- But what if nothing comes out of it?
- Will I find long-lasting happiness out of this?
- What's my next path in life?
- I'm leaving my very very cosy comfort zone

My thoughts seemed a lot more beautifully drawn out when I was thinking in the shower. Then I came out and started typing away, my father saw me writing and started mocking me (as he always does) and someone turned on the TV. I guess one thing good about leaving home and them is I'll have more time and peace to think proper thoughts, provided I don't spend too much time brooding by myself.

12 Angry Men

Just finished watching 12 Angry Men while eating dinner, and it was amazing. With my brother alternating between curling up on the couch behind me and bouncing around, I spooned rice and chicken into my mouth with my eyes peeled to the screen. I love how the script was tight and the run time of the film was a manageable 1hr and 30mins, unlike many movies that are out in the market nowadays. One of the biggest problems I have with watching movies on my computer/not in a cinema is that I find myself getting restless and distracted by other things during slow parts, which was not the case for this film at all. Definitely recommend. 

I Must Nap Less

It's been almost a week since I've stopped working and I'm already bored. I've ended up spending almost every single afternoon napping and I'm all napped out, but I nap because I'm bored and feel sleepy in the warm afternoons when I'm huddled in my room and reading a book. I've already polished off Jonathan Franzen's Freedom and Jon Ronson's The Psychopath Test, along with a graphic novel called Depresso. Today I even walked around the library in Clementi like an idiot because I had nothing else better to do, before realising I was just wasting mere seconds when I had whole hours to while away. Gosh.

In the past week I have: 
- Stopped work and said goodbye to all my classes
- Fucked up taking the bus twice (once missing a stop when I was with Gail and once boarding the wrong bus [!!!!!!!] while trying to rush to work on Sat - my last day of work)
- Watched two NT Live screenings at the Esplanade: Frankenstein and The Audience
- Mixed up the timings for Frankenstein (7pm, not 7:30pm!)
- Gone for a spa with Tiffany (fun and relaxing, but I need thinking of the baby cockroaches running around the jacuzzi now)
- Been to the Esplanade Library again to borrow more DVDs (12 Angry Men, I've Loved You For So Long and The Story of Adele H)
- Bought 5 books from Kinokuniya (or maybe it was 6?)
- Had 2 wisdom teeth extracted
- Watched I've Loved You for So Long and Barking Dogs Don't Bite
- Finished a cross stitch I was working on for my Mother's birthday present
- Visited the Gastroenterologist
- Accidentally got a quickie $10 haircut when I was looking for a proper hairdresser
- Bought clothes from Uniqlo
- Art Jammed with Shu Wen (she painted Paddington, me some random landscape)
- Had lunch with Mama at Imperial Jade
- Went to NTUC to buy last bit of food supplies
- Finished packing 2 boxes for shipping to my dorm
- Finished marking all the things for my Saturday classes
- Picked up the framed cross stitch to give to my Mum

In a little bit I'm going to leave to go deliver the worksheets to my ex-workplace in Buona Vista, and grab dinner with Ianthe afterwards. I suppose I'm bored because I never really know what to do with myself even when I have a just the slightest bit of down time, especially after having had my time sucked up by work for the last two years, which is quite bad really. Nevermind, it's only one more week till I leave with my family to travel in Romania. 

Oh And...

...I failed my Practical Driving Test and spent the rest of the day (18 July) half bawling my eyes out and half moping. Even now thinking about it makes me feel testy. I do not want to think about it. Urgh.

Last Tuesday of Teaching

Today was my last class with my tiny Sec 1 IP class. As usual only one person turned up (I don't think I've had more than two people together in that class for weeks), and it happened to be my favourite one (terrible how teachers have favourites eh?). J is a good kid that's pretty bright and quick on the uptake, plus I had solo sessions with him so often that we were used to it by now. Even after class had ended he lingered for a while, talking about random things, which I appreciated. I guess that's his way of trying to drag out our last moments together, which made me smile.

After work I went to Courts today and finally bought a new camera. I realised to my utter horror last week when I had my last lesson with my P4 students on Wednesday that the camera wasn't working properly. Every picture came out horrendously dark ): I had already noticed it when I was on holiday with my parents in Boracay, but hadn't realised just how bad it was until it was too late. Urgh. So I went off today and bought a Canon IXUS 140 for to replace the old family camera. I'm still not convinced it's the best I could have bought, but my Mum was adamant that I buy either a Canon or a Nikon. In other news earlier today I bought a camera for my own personal use (Lumix LF1) from Lazada. I really really REALLY hope I actually get my camera and not some empty box :x but at $310, a savings of $190, the risk seems worth it. Fingers crossed.

In other news I wandered about town with Daryl and Chong Wee on Sunday. We met for Brunch at Park, where I finally got to try the Tiramisu Pancakes, and then we headed off to tramp about the city area. We started at Raffles Place, playing with the swings, and then walked to Victoria Theatre, taking a stop at Fullerton Hotel along the way. I don't think I've managed to walk about so freely in a long time, feeling free and excited to explore my surroundings. It did get however, bloody hot after a while. In the end we parted after exploring Victoria Theatre and I headed off to the Esplanade Library to borrow DVDs.

I ended up borrowing:
1) Finding Mr Destiny (Purposely Daft Korean Rom-Com)
2) Kolya (Touchingly Funny Academy Award Winner)
3) The In-Laws (Slapstick '70s Comedy)
4) Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure (Time Travelling Stoner-like Flick?)
5) The Flowers of Evil (Some French Dark Comedy)
6) Barking Dogs Never Bite (Some Japanese Dark Comedy)

As it stands I've already watched the first three, all with my Mum incidentally, and she liked them all. The last three I'm not sure if she'd like, so I decided to save them for another time. I cannot emphasise how much I love the Esplanade's DVD lending library. My tax dollars (all $500 of it) at good work baby!

7 Jalan Harom Setangkai

I spent my formative years growing up in 7 Jalan Harom Setangkai. It was the family home that my grandparents had bought in the late '70s as an investment for them and their 3 children, and it became my home from 1997 to 2001. Around 1997, my parents decided they couldn't afford to pay the mortgage on our current house, so they decided swallow their pride and move back to my grandparent's place. The move made sense, after all my grandparents now had 3 free rooms because all their adult children had moved out, and at 7 I was an absolute pest about being separated from my grandmother. We ended up staying there till end of 2001 (I don't remember moving during the school year), so I spent a good chunk of my childhood in that place, and it definitely left a strong impression on me.

Living in that house as a chid was great. My grandparents were always around during the day time (OK, not great when my grandmother came after me to study) and there were lots of area to play around in. There was the old wooden bar which was a massive dust bomb because the maid completely ignored it - felty green carpet and all, the staircase landing in the middle that had its own little window and curtain - which was excellent for playing 'house' in, and the large garden complete with all sorts of plants and trees. The house was also filled with all sorts of odd knick knacks. I once found movie film canisters in my grandparent's room [see: second floor, area on bottom right labelled 'junk'] sitting next to a rusting treadmill, and I would play with the wood shavings and various substances my dad would use for his luthier hobby out on the back balcony. Fruit season was fun too, because the rambutan tree always blossomed like crazy, and there were always rambutans to eat.

I have many memories associated with that place, all of them warm and fuzzy, from a time where I was less anxious and less scared of everything. Thinking about it makes me feel happy and safe, but it also makes me feel a little sad because I know that the 7 Jalan Harom Setangkai I remember only exists in my recollections. After we moved out in 2001, the house was completely torn down and rebuilt, then my grandparents sold it and the new owner decided to rebuild the house from scratch (again! Ahaha).

Today after picking my grandparents up to go to lunch, we ended up driving past the old house. Of the entire row of houses along Jalan Harom Setangkai, number 7 was the only house that had been altered completely beyond recognition from my childhood. Still, I should be thankful that I have so many vivid and nice memories of my childhood home. 

Preliminary Reading

"In the Wealth of Nations, Adam Smith thought that the primary role of education in the eighteenth century was to compensate for the 'almost entire corruption and degeneracy of the great body of the people', that resulted from the mind-numbing jobs which most people were expected undertake in return for increased wages"- Introduction in Education, Globalisation and Social Change.

I giggled. Am not looking forward to work starting again tomorrow.

Today I saw Two Hubcaps

I don't know when I first learnt the word "hubcaps". I remember knowing it from a young age, and I seem to vaguely remember asking my Dad what it was when I was about 6, because I kept seeing the word in Archie comics. Several of the running gags in Archie comics involve Archie's sad jalopy that keeps failing, including a few which featured both the wheels and hubcaps flying off in the midst of being driven. Thankfully cars aren't actually like that.

Today I had yet another driving lesson. While driving around (we seemed to have moved on from parking to refining my road skills), I saw a hubcap lying about on a grassy kerb area. Later on the way home on 156, I saw yet another hubcap lying on a grassy area, this time pretty far from a road. Pretty odd to see two abandoned hubcaps in one day.

Random Things to Note, Lest I Forget

Met up with Rufus for brunch today at Holland Village. He brought along a friend, Boon Guan, whose name seemed familiar but whose face I couldn't place. No matter, we had a great brunch together at Breko. By the end of brunch I wanted to run off and rest my horribly winded lungs - we had talked so much that I felt like I couldn't speak anymore. I suppose that's one way to determine great meal partners.

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Last week we had a lesson on protecting the high seas. It was bits of climate change, pollution and overfishing all rolled up together in a ball of bad things. I decided to concentrate more on overfishing, because I didn't recall it being taught very much in school at all. All the bits I knew about Bad Fishing Styles and overfishing came from outside reading, so it wasn't till I pieced all my information together when I was planning my lesson that I finally realised how dire the whole situation is. As it is before that, I had already refused to touch pomfret because I know they're horribly overfished, but still kept chomping away on tuna and shark's fin.

Anyway, I had heard about dynamite fishing before, and set about trying to find some clips. Everytime I think of dynamite fishing, I cannot help but laugh blithely, because despite how incredibly destructive it is to the environment (which makes most people sober), the act itself seems to me so ridiculously over the top and overly aggressive that I cannot help but laugh. Bombing fish! That's like throwing a grenade to catch a rabbit. It's the stuff of movies like Naked Gun. Except it's real life, which makes it even funnier and sad at the same time, and so makes me laugh even more.

I ended up typing "dynamite fishing" into youtube (as you do), and realised that the first result given was possibly one of the most funniest things I have ever seen in my life. It wasn't until I watched it for the first time with audio with my students that I realised some parts of the clip has been dubbed over for comedic effect, which made the video even better.

It reminds me of Exploding Whale, which I saw a few years ago and absolutely loved:

Perhaps it's just because it's the perfect combination of things that makes me laugh: death, explosions, and black humour (though, what does this say about me as a person?)

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Today after dinner with my grandparents, they sent us back home. They took a different route from my parents and we ended up driving home via Old Holland Road. The last time my grandfather had been driving me along Old Holland Road was when I was still a student in MGS, probably circa 2006. He kept mentioning how he used to drive me, asking me if I remembered, and chuckling to himself. Then just as we turned the corner to enter Greenleaf Road, he asked me if I remembered how the wall of the house at the corner had collapsed, closing the road temporarily. I was quite amazed because it was EXACTLY what I was recalling just moments before, and made me feel a little warm and fuzzy inside. Ah, shared memories of other people's misfortune. 

So Close, So Far

Just watched So Close, So Far with Shu at the Iranian Film Fest. By a stroke of luck I manage to hop onto both 75 and 970 with minimal waiting and arrived home just before 12am, which is a great way to end the day, and put me in a more amiable mood to blog.

I liked the movie initially right until the last bit. I like foreign films that are slice-of-life, peeps into other worlds. The problem I find with this film was that towards the end it felt terribly improbable and depressing (unless 0.01% of every Iranian dies trapped in a sandstorm covered car), with some bits feeling a bit overacted and overwrought. It reminded me a bit of a Russian movie I had seen at the East End Film Festival years ago in 2010, which is still by the far the most depressing and bleak movie I have seen in my 24 years of existence. I remember running to the movie theatre from Stepney Green tube because the Hammersmith Line was delayed. I remember clocking the various fried chicken stores all over as I ran. I remember sitting in stunned silence when the movie came to the end because, WTF?!

Anyway I guess in comparison to that, the Iranian film was much less of a downer. It had some nice shots of Iran, which I really liked seeing, though the shots of the harsh desert landscape made me feel uncomfortable. Perhaps it's because I don't like the idea of being so utterly far from human life. True enough, that's how the main character dies (from being alone and trapped in the wilderness), confirming all my worse city-born stereotypical fears.

Have just started trying to select classes for the upcoming Fall Term, which makes me feel a bit better about things. Lately work has been overwhelming and (largely) unrewarding, which already makes for shit morale. Compounding the problem however is the fact that I know I am serving my resignation notice period, which makes me feel even less motivated, no matter how much I do love and care for my students. Although I know the lack of enthusiasm I feel now is only temporary, it still feels horrid. It makes me feel like pulling grumpy faces at the world. Talking to colleagues helps I suppose, because they understand exactly what nonsense I am talking about, and talking to Shu today over dinner helped too, because she feels similarly. Ah life and jobs.

Teary Eyes

Yesterday I made a silly mistake. I realised it mere moments after I made the error, and groaned inwardly at what a n00b error (for lack of a better word) it was. I had given out the coloured paper for Father's Day cards before I had finished all the work in class. As I walked out of class to grab the coloured paper, the thought of what a massive distraction it would be vaguely crossed my mind (for I am not that unaware), but then the thought of forgetting to give the paper out seemed worse. So while my students were still dutifully completing their full sentence corrections, I started to slowly distribute the paper only to see them jump out of their seats and clamour for their choice of paper colour. Oh dear.

Needless to say, the last Cloze Passage (on a dog nonetheless) was rushed through by the students as they eagerly awaited Arts-and-Crafts time. Which was just as well really because I felt utterly worn and exhausted yesterday. From 2 weeks ago I've been swamped at work with extra classes. The week of 27/5 to 31/5, I had 11 classes. The week of 3/6 to 7/6 I had 12 classes. This week I am back to 11 classes. I can only wonder what next week will bring.

Yesterday as well something interesting happened, which is that I walked into class and I was immediately greeted by a teary P4 student. My heart sank because I my mind ran amok of all the potential problems: Did someone bully him? Did an accident happen? Then, when he told me he fell down, I thought in horror that he had been injured In The Centre. The relief I felt when he told me he fell outside, in the carpark, was palpable.

I brought him to the office to get anti-septic cream. As we walked there, I noticed he seemed to be even more upset than I had initially realised. His voice was trembling, and he kept talking about how it hurt a lot and how he was in Great Pain (probably exaggerating). Rolling back the sleeve of his denim jacket, I realised he had a long scratch running down his left arm. As I dug around the first aid kit to find something that wouldn't set off his tears (read: alcohol swab) he started to look more and more worried. In the end I settled on letting him apply the anti-septic cream himself as he winced and got all teary, lest I be too rough and prompt a flurry of tears. Then we walked back to class and I told him an anecdote about how I had missed my English orals once because I was running around the quadrangle and fell badly, scraping my knees, and became utterly inconsolable until I was brought home. He seemed to perk up after that.

It's hard for me to quite describe how I felt at that moment as I led him down the hallway to the office, and looked into his worried teary eyes. I felt so terrible that he was sad, and felt that my heart would break if he cried. This was probably compounded by the fact that he's one of the students I am fond of, and a huge history buff like me. I wanted very much to give him a hug and say 'everything's going to be fine!', but I'm sure that would've been wildly inappropriate.

When we went back to class, the place was in uproar. His classmates were happily chatting away and I ended up shouting at them to finish writing their content page. Then one of female students happily started 'ZX stabbed himself! That's why he's hurt' and the whole class started to get very excited about ZX's injury, pestering him with silly questions. I ended up cutting in and telling another anecdote about the Most Embarrassing Fall I Have Ever Had - one where I slipped on an icy patch in LSE and fell on my rump next to a group of tourists admiring the Old Curiosity Shop - and they soon forgot about ZX and started doing their work. 

Glass Classrooms

As my teaching careers draws to a close (and when I have the time!), I start to think more and more about the job as a whole and the things I have learnt. I keep thinking to myself: I should write this all down, but the moment I get home I get distracted by something soothing and forget at all about it. This is especially made worse by the fact that I've re-discovered the time black hole that is Civilisation and have been playing it almost every night since last week Tuesday.

For the past few Fridays, I've been assigned to a glass classroom next to the staffroom. I call it a glass classroom because it is literally made of glass. Glass windows look out onto Thomson Road where you can see flags from several nations fluttering away, and the walls and door are made of glass, giving you a full-on view of the two adjoining classrooms (and the other way round too). I am not particularly fond of the classroom because it feels like I'm teaching in a fishbowl, plus you need to awkwardly walk through another classroom to enter it. That being said, it is near the toilets and the staffroom, so I can dash about easily. Still a classroom is a classroom, and I'm getting vaguely used to it.

Recently however, I've been feeling a bit stressed out about teaching there, namely because of the teacher next door. She's a senior teacher, and the lesson plans she shares during meetings always sound fantastic, plus her students always look so engaged and interested. Watching her from my classroom I feel inadequate as a teacher. I can't command such gravitas, summon up such energy and spunk, and plan my lessons as well as her. Even though I tell myself she has a good 10 years worth of experience on me, I still can't help but feel slightly despondent and wish for better for my students. Wish that they had a better teacher who could help them a lot more.

All things said and wished however, I know (for better or worse!) that my students are genuinely of me as a person and an individual, rather than me as a teacher - and I cannot help but wonder if it just might be a good thing, that they will learn empathy amongst other things from the time I've spent with them. Only time will tell I suppose, and I wouldn't trade my students for any other in the world.

Parallel Parking

Just finished a driving lesson and will have another one on Thursday. Today my instructor (a kindly old man that reminds me of my grandfather) told me that the next lesson, we'll begin parallel parking, because my reverse parking seemed to be good enough. Granted while I agree I have been making progress, I'm still not very confident in my reverse parking skills. Oh well. Still, I'm happy to be driving. It's quite fun gliding along roads, and not at all as stressful as I imagined.

A few weeks ago on a Friday, I sat for my final theory test and scored 50/50. I was quite overjoyed because well, I don't recall ever having scored full marks for any sort of test before. That and if I failed my final theory test, it'd be months before I could take it again. Owing to my magnificent procrastination skills, I managed to time the whole learning driving + test schedule so tightly that I really only have one chance to pass both the final theory test and the practical test if I want to get my driving license before I leave to start my Masters programme. Well, fingers crossed for 18th July.

In other news I am still sick. I fell ill some 2 weeks ago and somehow muddled through work with my throat all swollen before leaving for a family trip to Boracay, Philippines, where I fell even sicker (hello heat!). Now some 4 days after coming home from Boracay, I am still sick. This also means that every time (2 out of 2) I go to the Philippines, I fall sick before the trip and get more ill during the trip itself. Talk about unfortunate.

That being said, I quite loved Boracay. The first disastrous hotel aside, the rest of our trip was fantastic. Our second hotel was cheap, cheerful, and right by the beach. The beach on Boracay was incredible, and easily the best beach I've ever seen. Its waters were so blue and clean that it looked almost permanently photoshopped and the beaches were filled with white sand. The food there was tasty too. I was happy to eat Chicken Inasal again we made many trips to D'Talipapa, a seafood market, to eat dinner. We had the tastiest baked scallops there, mmm. I feel hungry just thinking of those scallops again.

Felt a bit sad to come back to Singapore and WORK, but on the way home I was reading Marie Claire (the only female magazine I'd ever subscribe to) and they had a special on working professionals, plus career tips. As silly as it seems, reading that section made me feel all inspired and invigorated about work. I wanted to plunge right back into work and MAKE A DIFFERENCE YO! Of course that being said I've already tendered my resignation at M/s L because my notice period is 3 months. My last day of work will be 2nd August. Then I have 2 weeks to rest before jetting off to Romania with my parents for another family holiday, before heading off to NYC on 28th August to start my Masters programme. Talk about yet another tight schedule!

Disoriented

Today I woke up utterly disoriented. When my brother and my maid came barging into my room to put something down, they woke me up from my dream and I thought it was 7 am in the morning because he was still around and it looked dark through the curtains outside. Nope. It was 11 am, he decided he didn't want to go to school and it was about to rain something fierce outside.

My dream was a strange, disconcerting one. I dreamt that I was travelling to Ipoh again (but an Ipoh with winter?), but this time with friends and I was supposed to lead them around. I dreamt I had forgotten to take down the important details like hotel bookings and so on, and had left them in my email instead. Then came the odd part when I tried to retrieve the information and I could not access gmail OR agoda. That they didn't exist or didn't work! And I started to feel very stressed out. Finally there was an odd other bit where I had to charge over $200 worth of things to my credit card and I felt upset because I needed to save every bit of money I had and $200 was a lot!

Anyway I woke up confused. Heard the thunder roaring outside and drew back the curtains. Saw the odd lightning flash or two and decided to try and get a little bit of the errands I had meant to do, done.

I finally checked things online and realised how unhelpful the US system is to international students (or maybe I lucked out with LSE and how they bend over backwards for international students) and now I'm feeling stressed out about getting my passport/visa done in time. I worry too, that I might not be able to sit for my driving test on time before I leave. Meanwhile there's a slight problem with a student's parent that I neglected to call back. This could all have been solved if I had a greater sense of urgency, but no, all I do is sleep till 11am. Sigh. 

Exasperated

I've just spent more than 45 minutes typing up a few pages worth of vocabulary words to help my poor students when they face their mock exams tomorrow and on Thursday. I'm exasperated because 1) there are too many damn words that need to be explained, 2) this is supposed to be a MOCK exam, not a lesson where you introduce new words. Yes some of my students are geniuses, but the remaining 98% of them are struggling to tell the difference between 'enthusiasiastically' and 'enthusiastically'. They do not needed to be overwhelmed by vocabulary words like "adherents", "pensions" and "mildewed". Keep in mind that these are P4 and P5 students we're talking about - no wonder they're stressed! GRRRRR.

Last week while conducting oral examinations with my current P5 students, I ran into a bunch of my old P5 students who were having their class next door. They seemed really happy to see me, and one of the girls (a Sarah) told the student I was with that I was a "great and funny teacher" and I felt myself turn all warm and happy inside. Things like that remind me why I'm in this job I guess, despite everything I disagree with.

I realised today that I haven't been doing much at all. Right at the start of this month I went off to Ipoh with my Mama, Yeh Yeh, Kaugong, Aunty Sao Ping and my Sam Suk Kong for 4 days. We did the whole Qing Ming thing, visited Cameron Highlands and ate like pigs. I realised how pathetic it was that out of a carload of 75+ year olds, I was the only one that couldn't drive. Other than that, I went out for Mookata BBQ with Tiff, Andrew and HM one Saturday evening, and visited The Cider Pit with my colleagues after work last Thursday. I'm so happening I amaze myself. 

24

Hello hello hello, I am 24. Well technically 23 years, 364 days and 17 hours old (because I was born around 7:30 am in the morning), but for brevity's (and sanity's?) sake I am 24. Hello world, happy birthday to me.

Today after work I bought two slices of cake from Awfully Chocolate. Around 10:10pm I pulled both slices out from the fridge and started to eat them by myself because my Dad was upstairs and didn't want to come down, my Brother was dead asleep and my Mum was absorbed in trying to book flights on the SIA website while sitting next to me. So I sang a birthday song to myself and started eating the chocolately cake while watching a Channel 5 documentary about landmines in Cambodia.

Singing the birthday song to myself caught the attention of my Mum, so she stopped trying to book flights for a moment and started digging into the cake with me. About 10 minutes later my Dad came to holler at us to go upstairs and we lured him down instead with cake. He shoved half a slice of cake into his mouth and then switched the TV and lights off on us before heading up again. That left 1 slice left for my Mum and I to polish off in the dark. I started on the remaining slice and ate it till about half way before giving the rest to my Mum. So that meant my Mum and I ate about 3/4 of a slice of cake, so 75gms of chocolately sinfulness and my dad had 50gms.

After my Mum finished the cake I got her a cup of water in my Penguin P.G. Wodehouse mug. She was still absorbed in trying to figure out the best possible way to utilise the family's frequent flyer miles on the SIA website.

So anyway, Happy Birthday to me.

Doldrums

Been feeling increasingly burnt out from my job lately. Part of it is because since late November last year, I was given an assignment I not only did not want, but have increasingly felt incapable of properly coping with. I was given two classes of P4s. I now have a newfound extreme distaste and short temper with children, and have decided that I don't like anyone around that age that is not related to me. Even before I step into the classroom on Wednesdays I feel all riled up and upset, like some terrible pavlovian response. I feel more agitated, get angrier more easily, feel depressed and a sense of hopelessness.

Safe to say I think I can safely conclude from this that I do not like young children because they're these terrible creatures who reek of WTF because manners, boundaries and common sense haven't yet been pounded into them by society and I have ZERO patience for that. I can be nurturing in an intellectual and emotional sense BUT HELL NO I AIN'T BRINGING UP YOUR DAMN KID. Why didn't YOU, dear EGG and SPERM DONOR, teach your kid that it's rude/inappropriate/stupid to ask the teacher "Why are you dressed like a man?"/"Why does your lipstick match your jacket?"/"Why is your makeup so ugly today?" YES THERE ARE STUPID QUESTIONS, AND YOUR KID JUST ASKED THEM. As an aside, I think I'll be the type of parent that spanks their kid, because I want to do that to my idiot students often.

For all of this I can only say I blame M/s L because I told them explicitly before that I did not want to teach young students, and they ignored me anyway. They're utterly charming like that, which also explains why they have so much trouble retaining long term staff. As if the job wasn't emotionally draining enough, they stick teachers with assignments that we do not want nor are able to handle well. This just results in teachers (ergo, ME) getting frustrated and burning out at the speed of light. DAMNIT. I like my job most of the time, just that now I feel exceptionally unhappy and strung out like a piece of drying spaghetti.

In other more joyful news I've been offered a place by Teacher's College, Columbia. On one hand it makes me feel happy cause I've finally made it from all the wishing and hoping I did before, on the other hand it's opened a whole new can of worms. I am now forced to think of the future which is nice but extremely scary on the other hand (then again I've always been scared of the future) and worrying about money problems because living in Manhattan to attend Teacher's College is extremely expensive, and I'm still not sure how long the whole programme lasts/how the damn American college system functions.

So in short my job makes me feel shitty now, but thinking about the future makes me feel shitty too. No wonder I'm feeling down in the doldrums. 

The EMF Book Store at Holland Village is Closing Down

On Friday I ran into Jia Min at work briefly before she disappeared off to some mysterious place. Later when I asked Gail if she knew where JM had went, Gail told me that she and some of the other curriculum planning girls had gone to the EMF Book Store in Holland Village to buy books because the store was closing down and they were having a sale. Today, finding myself with extra time after going for a manicure (yes I enjoy bimbotic things), I decided to go there and check it out. The store was crowded with old regulars and I ended up sitting on the floor of the fiction section and poring over all the book titles. Although I was never a regular at the store, I did buy things from them from time to time. Sitting on the floor I thought about how sad it was that the one book place that was closest to my house was closing. Though of course that being said, the place I bought the most books from nowadays was bookdepository.com, exactly the sort of place that was contributing to the demise of brick and mortar shops. That and landlords who raise rents to $8,000.

I ended up buying quite a few books, some books that I honestly would not have considered if it wasn't for the sheer sentimentality of the place closing. It's almost as if I got into some sort of irrational frenzy and tried to make up for the business I had never quite given them all at one go. Still all in all, it was a bargain with 50% off used books and 20% off new books.

I bought:
I Don't Know How She Does It - Allison Pearson (I figure my Mum will like reading it, and I can read it if I want something light and fluffy)
The Poisonwood Bible - Barbara Kingsolver (something my Dad might be interested in)
An Object of Beauty - Steve Martin (on the Art World, maybe for Jia and/or HM)
The Thousand Autumns of Jacob De Zoet - David Mitchell
The Middlesteins - Jami Attenberg
The Burden - Agatha Christie
A Daughter's a Daughter - Agatha Christie
The Rose and the Yew Tree - Agatha Christie
Archie Comics
Trashy Romance Novels

All for $83!

On the way home I also saw a poster for the Eric Clapton concert. I almost forgot that it's just a week away + I took leave for that occasion too. Looking forward to it :)

As an aside, I'm reading Winter's Tale now by Mark Helprin. It is quite a peculiar and fat book. Still I'm reading it much faster than For Whom The Bell Tolls. Later, I'll be going for my first driving lesson. Feeling kind of apprehensive and excited about even turning the key in the ignition. I wonder if I'll even be allowed to make the car move. 

3 Movies

Today, purely by accident, I ended up watching 3 movies. The first was August: Osage County which I watched in the morning with my Mum at Orchard Cineleisure, the next was some daft movie called How She Move, and the last Princess Mononoke. I had intended to watch August for some time cause I saw the trailers of the star-studded cast and read all the movie reviews/Meryl Steep's nominations. Friends like Jia who had seen it had loved it too, and recommended it strongly. I really liked, and left the cinema feeling happy.

The next movie, How She Move, however, was unintentional. I had bought a groupon for a manicure and a pedicure, and when I entered, one of the nail girls started playing it on the TV. It was an incredibly daft movie, but hey I had nothing else to do and had time to kill, and expected to not finish watching it. Man oh man was I wrong. Mainly cause they assigned a trainee to me. A normal manicure and pedicure takes 1 hour. I ended up sitting in that chair and not moving for 2 and a half hours. That's 2.5x the time a mani and pedi takes normally. OH MY GOD. Needless to say I finished the movie (they win the dance contest, surprise) and after I walked out I was left feeling incredibly frustrated and irritated from not being able to move around for over two hours. I'm not the kind that can sit still unless I am mentally occupied.

The last movie I watched today was Princess Mononoke. Why? 'Cause when I got home, I realised all that sitting had been in vain. The nail polish that had been painstakingly applied by the trainee to my toes (and she did put a lot of care into things) had smudged on the way home. ARGHHHHH. I had to remove it and as I re-did my toes again, I had to occupy myself with something, so I watched Princess Mononoke, which was OK. Definitely not my favourite Studio Ghibli movie.

Even though by all means I had a fairly successful and productive day - watched a good movie in the cinema, had lunch with my Mum, bought gifts and a new pillow, did my nails - I am left feeling annoyed with today. Not that things can get much better though, cause tomorrow it's back to work with even more Situational Writing pieces to mark. Ye gads. Well, maybe I'll feel better about tomorrow. 

The Centre of Attention

When I go out with my family, we are usually sadly, the centre of attention. Today we went to the new Holland Close hawker centre for lunch, and Ryan was exceptionally hyper and noisy. Before, things were bad but not too bad, mainly because he was smaller and most people nearby would just think it was a kid acting out. Now however 'cause he's so much bigger and louder (hello voice breaking) everyone looks at us when Ryan is making 'Eee Eee Eee' noises and/or jumping up and down while flapping his hands. Hell, I'd look at us if I was a random passerby, haha.

Anyway today, my parents went off to buy food first while I stayed with Ryan. Ryan kept Eee-ing away while trying to grab my hands and use them to smack his ears (I'm not sure what that achieves but he seems to like it as he'll repeated use my hands to smack his ears until my hands hurt). I felt everyone looking at us, especially since we were seated next to a popular vegetarian store which had a long queue. When I felt the eyes of everyone on us, as Ryan still held onto my hands, I remember thinking "oh thank God I have some makeup on." At least if the son is crazy, I reasoned, the daughter should look all the more sane and polished to compensate against the judging looks.

Which as just as well since I've gone of another intense obsession binge, this time on makeup. I keep reading makeup blogs and reviews, looking at swatches online, and perusing online makeup stores. Last time I felt this intensely about something was when I went crazy over washi tape and deco rush tapes. Yes, I know, I lead a terribly terribly sad life. I need to find something better to do with myself. 

Feet and Feat

I've recently noticed that nowadays when I get back from work and sit down straight away, I can feel my feet throb. I'm sure they throb at work, or that they even throbbed before, but I never noticed how significant it was till recently. As a result when I sit down I don't feel like getting up even to shower till I can feel my feet stop throbbing. It doesn't matter that I do sit down even in class during lull periods, my feet are still tired anyway. The best feeling was on a Saturday recently when the first thing I did when I came home was lie on my bed. The feeling of my feet being on the same horizontal level with the rest of my body was amazing. Which of course brings me to wonder how some teachers can teach with super high stiletto shoes. Their special talent I suppose.

In other news I've finally finished all my Masters applications, which was no small feat. It felt much easier writing a personal statement for my Undergrad because I was so much more idealistic and could waffle on lots more. Writing the personal statement this time stressed me out a great deal, but now I am left with a sense of emptiness inside. Mainly because I suppose 1) I no longer have anything BIG to spur me on/aim to accomplish 2) There is nothing I can do to change my immediate fate now and 3) I am just a naturally gloomy person.

Feel ill earlier this week with the Flu. Felt it coming on Sunday when I was out with Tiff, especially when we were watching American Hustle in the Lido cinema. I guess it's cause the cinema was cold, which only exacerbated the situation. Monday ended up being a total washout cause I was in bed practically the whole day, and when I was out of bed I was barely cognisant. I did go to work on Tuesday because I felt better, but ended up regretting my decision when I started to feel sick and dizzy. Today however when I woke up, I felt quite alright, save the runny nose, so I went to work as per normal. Oh my frail immune system.

Am currently reading Ernest Hemingway's For Whom the Bell Tolls and I am taking forever. Have been reading it in bits since 5th Jan. For some reason I can't really get into the whole flow of things, which is strange because I got really intrigued while reading Othello and I expected to be utterly put off by the Shakespearean language and entranced by Hemingway's plain-speaking sort of prose. Oh irony. Am at page 160 now, so 330 pages left to go.