I am turning 25 on Thursday.

I have a paper due tomorrow at 3pm (16 hours away!), and I have written just 10% of it.

This is not how I envisioned I'd be at 25.

Then again, I'm not 25 yet.

Fucking Horden and Purcell

This term I am taking an advanced level course in Medieval Mediterranean history. So far we have read the two hefty volumes of Braudel's The Mediterranean, which felt like a grandfather story but was largely coherent and very understandable. This week however, we need to read Horden and Purcell's The Corrupting Sea. So far I have made it to page 475. It feels more like page 4750. Goddamnit.

I cannot recall ever having felt so frustrated and so stupid from reading a history book before. I feel like I don't know what the fuck is happening, meanwhile the super dense narrative style of the book makes me want to projectile vomit all over the fucking tome. If I read the word "mutable" or "teological", or "insert-word-that-most-normal-people-require-a-dictionary-for" one more time, I might just go out and murder the next human being I see. Or fling the book out of my window and watch it fly seven stories down and hit the pavement of Amsterdam Avenue. I am that frustrated.

Best of all, we need to do a book review on The Corrupting Sea as a mid-term paper. As the only non-American trained historian (hello British very-different-school-of-thought!), non-Medieval person, non-fucking Columbia College person and non-reader of French/Latin/German/whatever fucking else language, I already feel vastly inferior compared to my classmates. This book just compounds all of my worst intellectual complexes, and makes me feel utterly like shit.

Who knew words had such great and terrible power?

Two Adams and a Brian

I realised last night, counting back in my head while lying in bed and trying to sleep, that I have been single for the past 1 year and 6 months. Maybe that's why now whenever I feel that I have been thwarted by love, I feel such despair and resignation. That Holy Shit Why Not Me? feeling. That maybe, just maybe, I am completely losing my marbles over this thing called 'love'. But then again I have an established track record of losing my marbles. Just that this is a new trigger to me losing my marbles. I don't recall caring so much before, or feeling so emotionally swept up in things.

Perhaps I just need to start exercising more, haha. And remembering that there is hell lot of others things I could be knuckling down to do instead.

Daft, useless emotions.

New Years Resolutions - 2015

Some resolutions for the new year ahead, something I haven't done (that is, actually thought of and resolved to do) for the past few years, we'll see if the ones I made now pan out:
Resolution 1 - Lose weight to 54kg
Reason: Have been middling about 55kg for the past few years, until now when I seem to have hit 56-57kg. Not cool.

Resolution 2 - Visit Mexico, see Aztec ruins
Reason: Meant to book a trip to do it this Winter break, but procrastinated so much/got distracted by other things, and hence never booked anything. UGH.

Resolution 3 - Get a summer internship
Reason: Is very very very important to helping me determine what I want/need to do in my career.

Resolution 4 - Watch an opera
Reason: Again, meant to watch one a few months ago, but kept putting it off, until the Met opera took a break for the winter season. Must watch Carmen within the new few months, if I am ever to experience an opera performance at all!

Resolution 5 - Get a driving licence
Reason: I would like to get this crucial life skill over and done with, thanks.

A List of Lists Of 2014

Places I visited:
1) Ipoh, Malaysia
2) Boracay, Philippines
3) Romania
4) Frankfurt, Germany
5) Philadelphia, USA

Places I have uprooted to from Singapore:
- Skillman, New Jersey, USA
- Teacher's College, New York City, New York, USA

Things I have consumed since waking up today:
- Remaining sliver of bread loaf, with slice of swiss cheese and (awesome) sweet Lebanon bologna 
- One banana
- Leftover brussel sprouts with turkey bacon
- Leftover cauliflower cheese
- Leftover creamed spinach
- Not-nice goldfish crackers
- One hibiscus flower (that tastes like hawthorn flakes)

Music I purchased in 2014:
1) Sia's Chandelier
2) L'amour est un oiseau rebelle, from Carmen
3) Handsome Family's Far from Any Road
4) Etta James' Swing Low
5) One Republic's Counting Stars
6) Lighthouse Family's High
7) Clean Bandit's Rather be
8) Echosmith's Cool kids 
9) Lorde's Royals

Things I have learnt in my first semester of Masters:
W4170x, History of the First Crusade - humans behaviour doesn't really change, but excuses do. Also gained a new appreciation for the many different accounts of events.
A&HH 4070, History of American Education - education can be, and is, a scarily powerful and political tool. Who on earth would've thought to create a whole type of special school devoted to eliminating the Native American culture? Americans did! ALSO: American education system is super fucked up.
ITSF 4613, Peace and Human Rights Education - how education, and even the way how things are taught can eventually effect great changes in society. Also gained much, much, much greater insight into the (lack of) rights of women in greater society due to existing structures).
ITSF 4090, Issues and Institutions in Educational Development - ideas about the function of education and school, awareness of core vs. periphery/north vs. south, ideas and problems about the existing field of top-down, UN large-scale type development

Types of clothes I wore for the first time in 2014:
- Black leggings
- Sweaters
- Jean leggings from Uniqlo
- Semi-sporty North Face winter jacket (because it's so cold and I can't be bothered to use my less-warm Winter coat)
- Fleece pyjama bottoms
- Ankle boots (that my Mum bought for me as a parting gift in Germany, that I absolutely love)
- Sperry topsiders (influenced by Lauren, my cousin)
- Reverted back to wearing plain, fitted t-shirts

Other miscellaneous milestones:
- Receiving no rejections from the 3 universities I applied to (TC, accepted; UPenn, accepted; Stanford, waitlisted)
- Learning how to drive a car, but failing the road test (50/50 for the Final Theory Test though!)
- Learning how to live with cats
- Parasailing with Dad in Boracay
- Cliff diving in Boracay
- Filling in many gaps of knowledge of the Middle Ages
- Finishing puzzles with my Aunt and Uncle over the Christmas break
- Figuring out the damn NYC subway system
- Learning how to use liquid eyeliner, although it still smudges
- Wearing glasses again, because one eye has slightly fuzzy vision
- Participating in qin ming with my grandparents
- Seeing the Thanksgiving float inflation
- (SORT OF) watching the Rockefeller Christmas Tree light up ceremony
- Finishing two different cross-stitch patterns (gifts for my Mum and Aunt Cat)
- Removing all my wisdom teeth
- Learning how to floss, finally
- Quitting my first job
- Tutoring/helping out/experiencing adult education (for GEDs)

Things I want to achieve in 2015:
- Get a driving license
- Visit Mexico, see the ruins!
- See the cherry blossoms bloom in Washington DC
- Finish a third cross-stitch
- Get an internship, preferably in some peace education place

New Favourite Music Video

Clean Bandit's Rather Be, simply because it's so cute. First saw it just under a week ago when I hung out with Shirin and Jerrine in K-Town to celebrate the end of the term (and the successful submission of all my work!)


Shit, this is the funniest subtitle I've seen in ages. I laughed, out loud. 

My Room

Stupid shit aside, I really do love my room. It's where all the things I like are: my computer, my books, my candles, my red panda stuffed toy, my food, and so on so forth. It's where I feel the most comfortable in the USA. It helps that today is an exceptionally sunny day, and my room get lots of mid-day sun.

On Thursday I submitted and presented the case study that I did with my group members for my core class, ITSF 4090, for which I am extremely glad, because it allows me to spend the rest of the remaining days of the term (4 days, plus today!) working on 3 different papers. Their progress report is roughly follows:

ITSF 4613 - Peace and Human Rights Ed. 70%
A&HH 4070 - History of American Ed. 70%
W4170x - History of the First Crusade 80%

So, just a few more days till I can finally relax and feel free!

First Finals Week

Typing really quickly, I just typed "Fucker of Chartres" when I really meant to type "Fulcher of Chartres", and am now immensely amused by my typo. Finals week indeed.

My Sad Rejection Song

My sad rejection song (which I must have listened to at least 10 times yesterday), is Kasey Chamber's Not Pretty Enough. True story. Then again I'm also rather nutty.


I went without any of my regular meds this past weekend in NJ, because on Thursday evening, I rushed out and clean forgot to bring my meds (along with a warmer jacket). As a result over the last day, plus today, I'm feeling totally fried. I think my brain is shooting WTF signals all over my body because it's shocked by the lack of SSRIs. As a result I thought I was having mini/quasi-fainting spells and was going to have a spectacular fall and eat dirt soon. I should probably have been more panicked when things started happening, but I feel so tired and zonked from all my school work that my capacity to feel anxious seems to have flown clean out of the window. Funny coping mechanisms. 

This also means of course, that it is super hard for me to concentrate on anything. Because I occasionally feel like I'm being zapped. Also I feel bloody tired.

This weekend was an eventful one. On Friday, my Uncle brought me all over the areas as I tried to get my DMV testing done. We ended up having to go to the Social Security office in Trenton (sketchy) and the back to the DMV area, where I promptly failed the written test, because I didn't know crap like 1 and 1/2 ounces of whiskey being equivalent to 12 ounces of beer (who the fuck uses ounces anyway? Oh wait - THE AMERICANS). Saturday I watched my Aunt potter around getting reading for the early Thanksgiving dinner, went grocery shopping for her, and ended off my day by going on a date for yummy pizza in Hopewell, and watching Interstellar. Sunday I woke up really late and tired (PLUS with extra brain zaps), and then came the Thanksgiving dinner where all the family friends came over. Today I am back in the city, and somehow attended and survived class without seeming too muddle-headed.

I have just taken the Lexapro. I really should have taken it earlier in the day, when I got back around the afternoon, but thought I could tough it out till tomorrow since I'd already missed my regular medcine-consuming time (the morning). Now however I am feeling spaced out as and trying hard to think coherently.

I think I've learnt my lesson to be more careful about this kind of thing.


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