Paper Mill

I tell myself that I have done History papers all my life. That I can totally crank out a coherent 5,000 word historiographical essay in a matter of days [due: Wednesday 13 May 2015], because this is my jam. That History is my forte, and so is writing great History essays. But oh Dear God am I stressed out. Doesn't help that things have been weighing (as they do) on my chest, so that my mind is really only work 80% on this damned paper while the other 20% tries to make my body and emotions calm down enough to work [affect theory makes so much sense to me]. Wish I was a more functional human being with less Issues. Then maybe I could write this History paper faster.

On another note, this may well be the last History paper I ever write if I don't do a PhD. Not sure why I didn't think about this when I finished my undergrad. Possibly because I still wanted to do Grad school, and could not even comprehend studying for any degree other than History. Ooof.

I love History, but G8100y has taught me that there is no way in hell that I will ever touch Medieval history with a ten foot pole again. 

Changed Beliefs

After spending 3 years laughing at the Communist/Marxist booth along Houghton Street in LSE, I realised suddenly today that I am now a firm believer in the Marxist theory of education and the social/culture reproduction of the hidden curriculum. What a sea change. 

Gap in the (Musical) Literature

There needs to be a song written for people who have just started dating someone, but have no idea what's going on in the other person's head, or what the fuck is going to happen. Because I don't like uncertainty and would like a song to sing along to. 

Funny Musical Taste

Every time exam/finals season comes around, I end up listening to music far more often than usual. Within the past week I've just bought 6 songs from Amazon, and it's a rather strange list:-

Jim Croce - Time in a Bottle
Roberta Flack - Killing me Softly with his Song
Tracy Chapman - Baby can I Hold you
Tracy Chapman - Give me One Reason
Avicii - Hey Brother
Sting - Shape of my Heart

The last thing I bought before these singles was Arcade Fire's Reflektor CD. So, I suppose my music preferences are all over the place and can't be mapped nicely.

April is the Cruelest Month

So far in these past two weeks I have fallen sick with a cold, been stricken with multiple headaches, and have suffered yet another bout of depression. Now that my depression is finally abating, my cold has decided to resurface again. I am now quite opposite of what a happy camper is. On the upside, at least I am a vaguely functional human being again.

Although the blooming flowers outside are quite pretty, the various flip flops in the April weather frustrate me to no end. I don't think the weather was this scatty when I was living in London. I am unused to this.


Today is the first day that is truly, truly, shorts weather in NYC, and I'm not happy about it. I am terrible with both adapting to heat and looking good in shorts/skimpy clothing. So now I feel like an overheated, bleached white-yellow whale (ok, only for my thighs) that is dressed in unfashionable clothing. Fantastic for my self-esteem.
In other news, over the past week I realised that a long of songs I like were sung by Fleetwood Mac. I somehow just never connected the dots. As a result, I have been listening to a lot of Fleetwood Mac over the past week, trying to regain all the time I lost when I was oblivious.

Food Smells

One thing I find exceedingly annoying about living back in a dorm is the crazy amount of food smells we have in our tiny, non-circulating-air kitchen. I was boiling my eggs earlier and watching a neighbour cook his veggies, and realised upon going back to my room and eating my sad fare that my hair now smelled of food and oil. Now as I try to concentrate on Chris Wickham's Framing the Middle Ages, I find myself utterly distracted and repulsed by the fact that I can smell food in my hair. This makes me feel really dirty, and also annoyed with my meagre lunch of boiled eggs and potatoes [I am on a pseudo diet]. ARGHGARGHBARGH.

I have no idea how people manage to go for a few days without washing their hair. They must be the people that don't cook, or don't live with people who cook in a tiny enclosed kitchen. 

The Bronze Horseman

I finished reading The Bronze Horseman by Paullina Simons a few nights ago, in one feverish stretch where I wanted to see what happened to the characters at the end of the story... and it turned out to be a not-very-happy one. Then I realised it was actually the first book for a trilogy, and immediately went onto Amazon to buy the other two books. I feel slightly annoyed because I wasn't exactly taken with the rather unsophisticated writing and rather melodramatic style of the prose (wanted to murder all the characters several times over), but nonetheless I want to read about a happy ending, while learning just how more miserable the story could get. Tis very much a love-hate sort of thing, a book that's unworthy of serious consideration, but one that makes you want to find out what nonsense it conjures up before it ends.

On another strange note, around the time I was getting very (undeservedly) immersed in The Bronze Horseman, I also started listening to Reflektor by Arcade Fire after putting it off for about two years. As a result, in my mind I now associate the songs with the (sub-par!) story, particularly Awful Sound (Oh Eurydice) and It's Never Over (Hey Orpheus). I cannot listen to them now without thinking about the two characters of the book now, Tatiana and Alexander, which makes me feel simultaneously wistful and annoyed.

I wonder how long Amazon will take to ship the second-hand copies over :x 

More Driving Nonsense

Had my 3rd US driving lesson yesterday, and my test is set for next Friday, 10th April. I am not at all confident in driving :x I realised yesterday that every time I step into a car after quite an interval (like a month!) I forget almost everything. Like which pedal is the brake, and which one is the accelerator. Doesn't quite help that I am unfamiliar with the *special* American ways of turning left. I think when I get my licence I'll just make only right turns.

On the other hand, my US driving instructor (a nice lady called Parveen) has a good mnemonic for parallel parking: Triple R (reverse, signal right, turn the wheel all the way to the right), turn all the way to the left, then drive forward a few inches.

I really hope I pass next Friday (can't stand any more mockery!), but even if I do pass and get my licence, I have no car to drive, and little to no confidence in my skills. Rather silly. 


I am turning 25 on Thursday.

I have a paper due tomorrow at 3pm (16 hours away!), and I have written just 10% of it.

This is not how I envisioned I'd be at 25.

Then again, I'm not 25 yet.


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