Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Last Post of 2011

Tomorrow, I'm headed to Morocco with Cheam, Jia, Paul and Yihang. Specifically Fes, Meknes, Casablanca, then Marrakesh.

In the shower I was thinking about the whole of 2011, and realised it was probably my most travelled year. New Year's itself was spent in Wurzburg, then I embarked on two epic trips during Summer: one a Scandinavian cruise and the other a trek/backpacking across most of South East Asia. Then recently I went with my mum to Austria-Germany, and we covered Vienna, Linz, Salzburg, Innsbruck, then Munich. Other smaller trips include two beach holidays, one to Malaysia and the other to Bintan. Then there was the trekking trip to Snowdonia. Lots of travelling indeed!

Spent today at the National Archives, being grumpy from a lack of sleep and low blood sugar. Had the world's worst possible cup of tea (what tea brand is worse than P&G tips?!) for £1.15 too. Only bright spot was that I got to do some of the work I wanted, and one of the security guards was really nice to me.

Two random images to round off this very short post:


This is the bike I cycled on all the way from Russell Square to Earl's Court on Christmas day, because there was no public transport. Almost got killed a few times, and crashed into a parked vehicle en route. Didn't cycle all the way alone though, met Jia at her place along Baker Street and cycled the rest of the way with her. Spent Christmas with Yihang's friends, watched Home Alone 2 and Contagion, along with 2 eps of Game of Thrones. Mmm.



And this was just a bit of the archival work I was looking at today.

AND another note: I just saw a mouse run by my room door. NOT COOL. This, I blame directly on my flatmate: see previous post. I flipped out yesterday when they told me, and only because I'd seen it run past me in the kitchen.

Merry New Year, I think.

Sunday, December 25, 2011

Peace on earth and goodwill to all men: EXCEPT IF YOU'RE DAFT

Facebook now is filled with all sorts of happy musings on loving the world and loving mankind. I however, feel quite the contrary but shall restrict my grinch like mood to this space. After all I seek to rant, not attract unwarranted attention from even more daft people.

Today is Christmas day. I came back from Munich on the 20th Dec at night. I spent the 21st being utterly depressed that I'd come to to find the house in such an utterly filthy and messy state - that and cleaning for half a day. Now I am by nature a messy person, but I restrict it to my own cave. Furthermore I am not a dirty person, I am instead totally OCD about dirt. So coming back from a very nice holiday, it was possibly the worst thing to greet me, although I did already mentally prepare myself for it. So point is: I cleaned up on the 21st to an acceptable level (Tiff'd have made it way cleaner though).

Last night however, I spent the first hour of Christmas cleaning up the kitchen. It was filthy again. I was very very frustrated, as I'd really cleaned only just days ago and the kitchen had fallen into such a state so rapidly. Then this morning I took all the rags out of the machine and discovered to my great displeasure that there were 10 rags. Now I don't know about you lot, but in my world when rags get dirty, my instinct is to clean them. And if you're not going to clean them, throw them away. But neither of this happened. So instead my kitchen is full of rags drying now. It's really too ridiculous for words and damn if this hasn't turned me into a grinch.

Monday, December 12, 2011

Snowdonia

This post is ages overdue. It was almost written many many times, but then I always never got around to doing it. So for some reason now, something like 2 weeks later and when I'm sitting in a hotel room in Linz, Austria, I am determined to actually write this damn thing. Perhaps it's because I'm agitated over my mum pressurising me about tenancy issue from my old flat (yes, I admit I went into self-denial and she's right to do it, but that doesn't make me respond in a more reasonable manner), and just like how some people go running, I angrily pound out words on the keyboard.

That and I've been crazily busy since that time period.

So anyway flashback to the last post(s): I didn't get the part in the performning group, and was absolutely gutted. Developed something close to an associated-panic attack to swing that was thankfully adverted. Went back for swing class on the day we (WR, JK, Tiff) left for Snowdown to find that Tom had learned my name. Sue says (very nicely) that's because he and Cici were debating about whether to let me into the performing group. Sue also said that the reason why I didn't get in was probably because they needed someone to pair a short guy and I was too tall. Sue is really too nice. ANYWAY SNOWDON.

So afterwards, Tiff and I left to meet JK and WR at Euston station around 10:30pm. Tiff bought some really nice fries from Burger King. We arrived at Birmingham New Street around 1am and we settled into the 24h Mcdonald's next to the station to be like hobos. We encountered an interesting mix of people there, I must say.

First was security man, who I couldn't decide whether he was creepy or not. He was inside Mcdonald's and was standing near the door when I popped out for a bit to feel the cold outdoor air. On my way in, he smiled and said that I looked very pretty. Which was alright, but then afterwards he kept looking at me and watching me through the class, perhaps hoping to catch my eye and garner a smile for me or something. I don't know. Then was outright creepy dude, also of a vague central Asian origin, who sat in the adjorning booth and kept half staring at us, prompting Tiff to put her coat on even though it was warm inside. The last was outright WTF, a legit high hobo with shoulder length ratty orange (?!?!?!) hair who came right up to our table and kept saying something that sounded like "an-ya-se-yo" (hello in Korean?) for a good 2 minutes while we attempted to ignore him.

Around 5am we left the Mcdonald's to catch our next train towards Holyhead, getting off at Llandudno Junction. Essentially once we got on the next train, we all crashed and slept, getting up only near our stop. While we're sitting still, half waking up and waiting for our stop, Tiff got the idea to go wash up. As she walked by, the pessimistic thought occured to me, "Hmm, what if...?"

Well let's just say true enough, it happened. Tiffany was still in the bathroom as the train pulled into the station, JK shoved WR and I off the train, with all our stuff, while Tiff was still nowhere to be found. And while JK was walking inside the train, WR and I followed him on the outside. Then just as the train made a funny sound, I sprang forward to try and press the train door open as JK was becoming frantic on the other side. The door did not open. According to WR and JK, my first reaction was to raise up my right hand and wave to him as the train pulled away. Funnily enough, I don't remember doing that although it does sound like something I'd have done. Instead what I remembered the most was JK's face as it slowly dawned on him the that the train was about to move off with him and Tiff in it:- a mix of disbelif, horror and dawning anxiety, as he kept pressing the button to open the train door. It was at the point that I wished I had the presence of mind to take out my camera. Anyway his eyes were a bit like Munch's The Scream, if one can imagine that IRL. JK's mouth was a bit more of the open-in-disbelief sort.

WR and I walked off the platform, and I immeditately went to the train station attendant and explained our predicament to him, framing it more along the 'so, when's the next train from Bangor due?' line. Somehow, I found the whole thing insanely funny. Which I guess it was. Even though I was very tired and usually extremely irritable. WR and I ended up stoning in silence in the small waiting room, listening to the local yobs waiting for their train. Was amusing. When Tiff and JK finally came, we ended up walking to the local Aldi and Iceland, before ending up at another Mcdonald's when we found the KFC closed. The next train was 4 hours later. Tiff bought breakfast for all of us, as penance.

By the time we got to Betws-y-Coed, it started raining a bit. Deciding we couldn't ditch our bags at the tourism centre, which closed at 5pm, we ended up carrying the whole lot of it to our trek in Snowdon. Anyway it was pouring like fuck when we got to Snowdown. It was Singapore-monsoon rain style. But we were there, and had endured so much to be there, so we started climbing anyway - against all common sense. We were quickly drenched to the bone. When I climbled, my jeans actually turned shiny for a moment as all the water got simply wrung out by the action of my leg pulling my body up.

On our way up, we passed 3 groups of men coming down. They all looked like the real deal too: proper gear, mid 20s to 30s, all fit men (in the literal and not British sense). They all said they tried going up, couldn't, almost got blown off, and decided to turn back. To this we went "ok! We'll try anyway", and then they gave us the most amazed looks ever, a combination of 'wow, you've got guts/you're nuts/what's the number of the welsh moutain rescue team?'. After a while Tiff and WR called it quits, but JK and I wanted to push on. After leaving Tiff and WR for about 20 minutes, we finally turned back after having to stop multiple times because we almost got blown off the mountain. There is nothing quite like carrying 15kg on your back, weighing almost 55kg, and feeling yourself get blown off a mountain because of gale force winds (which we were warned off before, in case our foolhardiness needs more highlighting).

Somehow, JK and I made it off the mountain in one piece. We spent the rest of the time in the poor cafe at the base, sopping off water everywhere we went. I discovered everything in my bag was wet, but my worn clothes were somehow the driest since my hair and torso were spared (thanks Karrimor 3-in-1 jacket!) We somehow made it to the town area, and found a lovely discount store (Rock Botton, by Cotswalds I think) where the staff were really nice. They allowed us to hide there till our dorm opened, while hogging the heater. At the same thing, they even nicely lent WR a jacket that was defective because hers was all wet. I managed to buy a 5 pound pair of pants to replace my sopping wet ones. WR later bought a box of cabury celebrations for the staff from a local food and wine store.

The rest of the time was considerably more normal. Dinner we had to drag our asses out, and we had it in a small restaurant bar while being served by a spritely old man. There was a jukebox and WR was very thrilled. WR and Tiff were telling ghost stories, and Tiff died because she was super scared, changing beds with me. The next day I felt like dying, and went to rest after breakfast. We took a bus to Swallow Falls, then walked to the Ugly House and took a nature ramble through fields on the way back to town, some 6km away. Lunch was at a local chip shop where all the locals stared at us, and JK accidentally dumped a whole large shaker of salt on his food because he knocked the cap off.

Back in London, after more Monopoly Deal, WR went home and JK, Tiff and I went to Euston Chinese to grab dinner. Then, Tiff went home to run and I went home to die.

The end.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Linked In

So I finally caved and got a linkedin account.

Actually I got it to attempt to figure out who G was, and of course I failed.

I'm starting to strongly think I'm one of those post-post modernist stereotypes who are overeducated, spoiled and utterly ambitious-less in life. Pah.

Babysitting is really tiring.

Monday, November 14, 2011

Da Da Doobie Da

So I went for the first audition of my life today, for the Swing Dance performing group. They wanted 5 girls out of 8, and we had to dance with three different partners, will being videoed. I guess I could do worse but holyshiteventhinkingaboutitnowmakesmefeelallonedge. My track record with auditions is simple: avoid at all costs. Similarly with interviews, presentations and exams, I crack at the idea of being analysed for my skillz. Still as far as auditions go, it was not intimidating at all. Feel annoyed that I missed so much of the beginning because it turned out the class was learning the routine for the auditions and I had to catch up really quickly - thus making a ton of mistakes in the beginning of the routine. Learnt a few names of those friendly faces around class though, so that was worth something. Friendly guy I like to dance with is called Ulrich.

Meanwhile being the retard I am, I sort of ran away from guy-that-I-find-attractive when he offered to teach me the beginning routine during the break. I'm totally mentally facepalming now as I think about it. That and he's a really great dancer. Su and the Singaporean girl I met in class, were talking about the auditions as we left class and we agreed [let's call him] G (attractive guy) was the single most best dancer in class. He'd definitely get into the performing group. Ahblagrpadhcw8ru3902

Babysat on Fri, today (reason why I was late for swing class), tomorrow and Weds. Will write about it soon I guess, cause I'm still too busy kicking myself over G to think straight.

Tuesday, November 08, 2011

Southwark


I've had this image kicking about my desktop for quite some time, waiting for me perhaps to do something with it. I took it when I was first trying to figure out how to get to Bankside from my old place at Hatton Garden. I was tickled by how Southwark tube station was changed into Katakana for some odd reason. I took a screenshot.

I now post it so I can delete it, and perhaps leave a small but yet sentimentally sad bit of my life behind me.

The Napoleonic Empire

Watched the Ides of March yesterday - walked out feeling like I had been blown away. Superb acting, superb script, superb cinematography. Some might argue that it's a bit cliched, but it was a good rendition of a cliche nonetheless. Then I sped walked from the Barbican to Belgo at Holborn, where I had a quick meeting with Dex and gang, before rushing off to an immensely enjoyable swing dancing class. After class I met Cielo and Hadi for dinner, and we returned to bum about my room into the wee hours. Busy busy day.

Today's essay day (tis due on Thursday!) and this is how I roll in my new room:


Still no proper internet line.

Thursday, October 27, 2011

21 Degrees Centigrade

So after many calls, hand wringing and head banging, I have finally booked flight tickets to Morocco from the 29th Dec to 8th Jan. My ass is sore from leaning back in my chair too much, my throat dry from shouting so much (sorry Cheam) and my head spinning from receiving too many heat-radiation-waves from my handphone after talking so much. But, it is done, and woo hoo Jia, Yihang, Paur, Cheam and I are off to Morocco - for better on worse since it is a rather motley sort of crew (I almost spelt it as 'crue', Kurt Cobain would be so proud of me).

First world problems for the win.

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21 degrees centigrade is the average daytime temperature in Morocco for Dec to Jan.

SEA + China Part 1

Oh gosh I forgot that I had this lying about, was writing as I was actually travelling, just forgot to post it up.

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26th August - Singapore - Macau
Arrived in Macau near the evening, to realise how smoggy everything looked. The taxi driver brought us past the new Cotai Strip, and we saw the Venetian from the outside. After checking into the hotel, we took the hotel's shuttle into town and walked about a bit before having dinner. I did not like dinner. Throughout, I felt a bit nauseous as I smelt the water of the nearby fish tanks, splashing their dirty water everywhere. My appetite was not helped by the fact that I kept seeing a promfet fish swimming upside down, righted only when it drifted into the air pump - shooting it across the fish tank - and then flopping upside down only moment later.

After dinner we walked around Macao, looking for the ruins of St. Pauls. When we went there, we were disappointed to find it in darkness, usually it's lit up at night. However it turned out we had arrived on the first day of a special annual light show. After waiting around for about 20 minutes, the crowds came en masse, and the light show began. It was a trippy light show. Quite cool, but trippy, and not very useful at all. Then we had a meal of dandan/shuang pei lai.

The highlight of the night however was wandering into the various casinos. The first casino was the original one, by Stanley Lai, the . Then we went to . Finally we went to two random small crappy casinos, all because I was looking for those old school slots machines where you pull the lever. There were none. Instead everyone was playing baccarat, to my disappointment. No recognisable poker or blackjack. It was also smoky like hell. Then, we went back to the hotel for the night.

27th August - Macau - Zhuhai - Kaiping
Kaiping is home of the Diaolous, a UNESCO world heritage site. Diaolous are essentially houses-cum-fortresses built in Southern villages around the early 1900s, when the Qing Dynasty fell apart/the Warlord era began and there was no law and order and banditry was rife. It was funded by money sent from overseas relatives who had dispersed all over the world. This made for some really strange buildings, who had semi-Western features, in addition to being towering blocks amongst the other small village buildings. I'd first known about them when I watched Let the Bullets Fly earlier in the year.

We first had breakfast on the Macao side, and then crossed the border into China. Looking at the hordes of Chinese trying to cross the border into Macao, we thanked our stars that it wasn't us. The queue had at least over a thousand people squeezed in under the hot sun. Sometimes it's easy to forget that China just has so many damn people. Opportunists sold their places in the queue for sums of money.

We took the coach from Zhuhai to Kaiping and arrived there at about 1pm. At the coach station, we were met by a singular tout, and we ended up hiring him. He drove us to the incongruously named Milan Hotel, which was a nice place and waited for us as we checked in. Then he brought us to eat claypot rice, a speciality of the area, in a small local store. The first sight we visited, an entire diaolou village, was closed as they were apparently filming a new movie there. Still, we walked about and saw a small museum of the area.

The next sight we went to was another small cluster of diaolous in Zili Village. Amongst the diaolous there was the one they used as a facade for the movie, Let the Bullets Fly. My parents and I poked around, but after a while the heat started to get to us, plus the interiors of the diaolous were the same after a while. The next stop was the Li Garden, yet another cluster of diaolous by one extremely rich family. These diaolous had marble staircases and special tiles. Finally we went to a diaolou that was more like a fortress than a house. It was also the location of the last stand by 7 brothers/relatives during the Sino-Japanese War. Shell and bullet holes lined the exterior of the tower.

The driver the dropped us in the middle of town, to walk around a bit before we took a taxi nearby our hotel for dinner. Dinner again wasn't very good, and I remember not being particularly happy about it. Went to a supermarket on the way back to buy some bread and drinks for the next day.

28th August - Kaiping - Wuzhou - Guilin
Spent a total of 8 hours on board the bus(es), most of it sleeping. The first bus was a local bus. Felt frustrated when the driver, who smoked while driving, kept blasting his music while the guy behind me blasted his own music. It eventually turned out as expected: a volume war, with me caught between. Somehow I managed to sleep and woke up to find the driver had (naturally) won the battle. The bus kept making random stops to pick up villagers along the way who had flagged down the bus, charging arbitrary prices. The sole bathroom stop the bus made revealed old skool toilets with no doors. After 5 hours, we ended up in Wuzhou only to find that there was no bus to Yangshuo as planned. Instead we booked tickets for Guilin and then had lunch, where we ate a really tasty chicken soup.

Then we took the bus to Guilin, where I fell asleep again. Driving into Guilin, I was reminded of Hangzhou. For dinner none of us were really hungry, but due to sheer greed I ordered a ton of meat for the hotpot, partly due to the fact that I was thrilled that I could read the menu properly. As I ate, watching how annoyed my father looked, I kept thinking about the tumblr blog "this is why you're fat".

The Chill

Sitting on the floor in Dex's posh flat, I originally thought the underfloor heating was kicking in as I felt warmer and warmer. However a short while later I realised this was deceptive: it wasn't that the floor was getting warmer, it was that my leg was getting number and number, and for some reason that made it feel warmer. Oho winter 2012, here we come.

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

White Cabbage

I don't know why but everytime I'm in the shower I get an urge to blog. But when I'm actually at my computer, I lose the urge. But then I really ought to force myself to, because I need to inculcate some sort of follow-through habit.

On Sunday I got it into my mind that I wanted to make my usual vegetable soup that I drink back home, the inclusion of soy sauce being only thing strangely really making it Chinese. I bought all the ingredients, but as usual forgot to buy the critical and main one: white cabbage. So off I went to Waitrose on a Sunday evening, 1 hour before it was set to close. As usual it was packed to the brims with people doing last minute Sunday dinner shopping (used to do that last year all the time, and spend an agonising 15 minutes hobbling home while overladen with groceries). Then I walked to the vegetable aisle and to my horror I saw that there were no more white cabbages left, only the weird green and leafy sort. I grudgingly picked up a random ass cabbage for the lowest amount.

As I was about to walk off disappointed, I suddenly remembered that Waitrose, being the middle-class sort of establishment it is always has an organic veg section. True enough, there were white cabbages there at twice the original price. Just as I was about to suck it up and pay 2x the amount for a bloody cabbage, I spotted a discarded Waitrose Basics white cabbage hidden among the organic ones. Some middle class sucker decided to pay 2x the price for an organic white cabbage. Hurrah! I had my cheap 68p white cabbage. As I walked back to the general cabbage section, I had a massive and silly grin on my face. I felt very very accomplished.

Then on my way back to the flat, I peeked at the veg seller's stand and noticed he had bowls and bowls of white cabbage sitting out -______- 2 white cabbages for £1. Well admittedly I wouldn't know what to do with so much cabbage (soup needs only half a head at one time), but somehow it detracted from my joy anyway.

At least the soup was tasty.

Saturday, October 22, 2011

un homme et une femme

I watched un homme et une femme last night, after spending ages before rolling about aimlessly on Tiffany's (my flatmate) bed while she watched the Law and Order episodes I passed to her. One 10am and two 9am starts every week never fail to make me feel like I am a million years old, although objectively there's just 6 real hours of academic time during those 3 days. So I just lay on her bed and sort of died, without actually sleeping, while Tiffany sort of laughed at me. My friday nights are happening, yo.

Anyway Un Homme is simply lovely. It is very very French, and very very charming. I don't know what else to say beyond that. Sadly it's proven to be one of the better movies I've seen lately. It's the London Film Fest and I'm being a film whore as usual. I've seen 3 films so far, one the pretty well known 50/50 and two more obscure ones, Mourning and There Was Never a Better Brother. 50/50 delivered the goods, but both Mourning and There Was Never a Better Brother failed to fully realise their potential. So I suppose, Un Homme was the movie (rather than Better Brother) that made my day yesterday.

Though of course I was attracted to Better Brother because I wanted to SEE what Baku, Azerbaijan was like, since I am focusing my History dissertation on it. It reminds me a bit of what I imagine Cuba/Iran to look like.

And on Monday, I watched Driving Miss Daisy with Dexter. Got to watch Darth Vader voice man in action. Cool.

Saturday, October 15, 2011

BT/VM/3

I have not fallen off the face of the Earth. Rather, thanks to lovingly decaying British infrastructure, I appear to have fallen off the face of the Earth.

First Virgin Mobile tells us they will take 3 weeks to come over and set up the internet. Alright. This was a week before I was due to return home, so it really was 2 weeks. That was livable, I suppose. To augment the many trips of going to Shu's/Dexter's/the Library, I bought BT Open, which sucked and sometimes worked.

Then last week the Virgin Mobile men came. They were a friendly, happy lot the two of them. First the set up seemed very straightforward, then it soon became apparent there was Big Trouble ahead when they had to take a ladder and access the cables from the outside. They'd been cut and disconnected, they said, evidently mystified as to why someone'd do that. We'll get Virgin to give you a call back.

So wait we did, for that proverbial call. Then it came one day as I was at Shu's house, this Wednesday I think, and I hit the roof. The diplomatic female voice on the other end of the line said it'd take "6 to 8 weeks" for construction to come and install the lines. WHY? I asked, obviously seething with rage and frustration. "Because we need to get permits and blabalabalabala".

I went to 3 and got a dongle (either a terribly bad or terribly brilliant name). But because my 5GB a month contract kicks in on Monday, I am brought back to a place where I was when I was 12. Dial up pay-by-the-data/time-internet. So as I type this I am surreptitiously thinking of how much this is going to cost me (it says 2.72MB for this sojourn already!) BUT GOODNESS IT HAS TO BE SAID. RAGE RAGE RAGE, I WANT MY INTERNETZ.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Goreng Pisang

I've learnt something interesting over the past few days: Singaporeans (or maybe people in general?) have a bad habit of invading people's personal space IF they think they see dirt on another person. It's like a Obsessive Compulsive Thing, despite the whole Asians Like Their Personal Space thing. Ok maybe it's not a Singaporean thing, since one of the people who did it to me recently was my Korean pottery teacher, Ms. Lee.

So anyway yes, dirt. For the past two days I've been rocking what looks like a dirt patch on my right shoulder/back. It is not a dirt patch. Rather (surprise!) I've gone and gotten a tattoo because I felt tired of being scared of every damn thing in life, and wanted to push my boundaries and do something unexpected. So that dirt patch is really the new tattoo leaching ink out. However before I am given a chance to lie and tell all the adults around me that it is a 'old blouse, an old stain', they reach out and slap my back (HELLO FRESH RAW TATTOO-ED SKIN) in an attempt to brush off the dirt. It hurts. And sadly though I don't like lying, lying is just easier here. I could easily tell my dentist, my hairdresser, my pottery classmates that it is a tattoo. But then I'd have to do the whole Explain Why I Did It Thing, and Do My Parents Know? (yes they do, but my mum complains that it is ugly and I ought to have gotten a rose instead of a cross). Easier to just lie. And talk about other inane things, like the weather.

Today was my last pottery class. I glazed my pieces, and it was the first time today that I finally got around to using the spray gun. On a pot with a lid (I think that if I die suddenly, I want my ashes to go in there, seems morbidly fitting), I used copper dust mixed with water, and covered it with Shino White. The other piece I made, ages ago when Jessica was still around, was half Namoku Blue (such a beautiful glaze with such depth) and half Shino White again. I am eagerly waiting the results.

I had lunch with Diane, one of the pottery women afterwards. We went to the Tanglin food court and she treated me to lunch. I had pasta with chicken chop. In return I told her about chicken chop, Singaporean taxi drivers and their propensity to be anti-government and conspiracy theorists and about crime. It was all in all a very nice and good conversation. One of the best I've had in a while really, and all the better since I initially feared it'd be awkward. At the back of my mind I kept thinking about how sad it is that my net amount of speaking to middle aged British people was at least triple that of speaking to a British person the same age as me, nevermind that I'm surrounded by them in university. Pffft.

Then I got my hair cut, and found a goreng pisang store on the 5th floor of Far East Plaza. I have not SEEN goreng pisang in AGES. It's like all the places in Singapore stopped selling them. Goreng pisang is essentially bananas fried in batter, and it's bloody delicious. So anyway I bought one, even though I wasn't hungry at all. Then I bummed at some Taiwanese eatery, slowly sipping my milk tea (which made me feel sick - nice lactose intolerance) and read Brave New World as I waited for Ashraf to appear.

Dinner was at Skinny Pizza, where we both ate till we were stuffed. Then we walked about randomly, exploring the sad Toy Fair at the basement of Ngee Ann City.

I've been sniffing like mad all day. Sucks.

Sunday, September 18, 2011

Tamara Drewe

"You've got an infestation."
"Of what?"
"Jody."

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I don't know how it got only 3 stars out of 5 on IMDB, but Tamara Drewe is easily one of the most enjoyable and funniest movies I have seen in quite some time.

An Asian Travelogue

I typed this up because the women in my pottery class, Diane and Christine, asked for it:-
Thailand
Phuket/Phang Nga
Phuket is the main area, with the more remote and expensive area of Phang Nga to the North. The main beach area, filled with backpackers, restaurants, bars and chaos, is Patong Beach. The nicer beaches are Karon Beach and Kata Beach. Tours brings you see James Bond island (where a scene from James Bond was shot in the '70s) and Phi-Phi island. Many opportunities for low-end shopping around.

Koh Samui
There is also another beach spot known as Koh Samui. I personally have not been here and don't know much about it.

Bangkok
Bangkok is massive, jammed, and a very chaotic city. It however, is a huge tourist hub. There is the Royal Palace, very nice and shiny, with the Vimanmek Mansion where the old Kings resided. There are lots of Buddhist temples here, if that's your sort of thing. There's Chatuchak market on the weekends, and Patpong night market for shopping. Bangkok is a launching off point for the floating market tours (tourist trap), the tiger temple (tame tigers, I wanted to see that but had no time), snake show, the River Kwai (of WW2 fame). You can ride elephants too if you want, but I think Phuket/Luang Prabang is a better place for that sort of thing.

Hua Hin to the North is apparently a nice beach about 1 hour away from Bangkok.

Laos
Luang Prabang
Luang Prabang was a little disappointing. It used to be the old capital, and there are lots of Buddhist temples around, in various unrestored states. The most famous/pretty is Vat Xieng Toung. All the temples cost about 2-3USD per person to go in, quite a rip off. There is also the old Royal Palace, which is worth looking around in. Then there's the morning alms ceremony where the monks walk large parts of the old town at 6am to receive alms. There is a Hmong market during peak season and a night market.

There are tours to the Pak Ou Caves and Kuang Si waterfalls. We didn't see the falls, but saw the caves. The caves were just caves with lots of bought buddha statues in them. There was also a whiskey village, were you can see one man brewing whiskey in a metal drum. He then puts weird stuff like snakes and various insects in them.

You can take elephant mahout courses there for a few days. That seemed interesting, but expensive.

Vientiane
There was not much to see or do in Vientiane. There are some nice Buddhist temples, but not much beyond that. There is also That Luang, a massive gold stupa. But it's just a large stupa that is gold.

Cambodia (visited Nov 2008)

Siem Reap
I loved Siem Reap. Home of the Angkor Wat, it is also nicely located nearby the Tonle Sap/floating villages. The town has a nice half rustic half touristy feel. There are night markets and handicraft markets. It's a fairly relaxed place. Lots of cheap silk the last time I was there.

Vietnam (visited Sept 2010)
Hanoi
Hanoi was very busy and hot. My family and I didn't like it, so we left for an overnight cruise in Halong Bay instead. There are the usual lot of cultural and military museums here, along with the infamous Hanoi Hilton where prisoners-of-war were kept during the Vietnam War. There is also the French Quarter with the old remnants of French architecture.

Halong Bay
Halong Bay is definitely worth going to. You can book a tour from Hanoi. They drive you to Halong Bay itself, which is about 3-4 hours away from Hanoi, one way. Halong Bay is essentially a bay filed with hundreds of limestone mountains, and is very scenic. A cruise brings you around the area, and lets you off to enter some of the tourist caves. The highlight of the trip is watching the sun set over the limestone mountains.

Hoi An
The nearest airport to Hoi An is Danang, where Silkair flies directly. Alternatively, Jetstar operates flights there, but require transiting through Ho Chi Minh airport. Hoi An is definitely worth going to.

The main attractions of Hoi An are threefold:- 1) My Son: old ruined Hindu temples built more than a thousand years ago by the ancient Champa kingdom. It's the Vietnamese version of the Angkor Wat. 2) Hoi An itself: the whole town is an UNESCO world heritage site, with impressive architecture built by the old Chinese immigrant settlers. 3) Tailoring:- good tailoring is very cheap in Hoi An, and there are many tailors there. I got a nice silk lined pencil dress for USD50 from Phuong Huy (http://phuonghuysilk.com/index.html). Some of the tailors can be a bit suspect though, with shoddy handwork/fitting. I've seen other customers bring pictures of runway outfits for the tailors to copy. Alternatively, there is also a beach nearby Hoi An itself, but I didn't get the chance to go there.

Hue
Hue was the location of the old Imperial City. However the Imperial City itself was damaged by multiple wars and fires, so the main structure is gone. Still the unburned parts are quite impressive. There is also the Thien Mu Pagoda and cruises down the Perfume River. Hue is also the launching off point for DMZ/Vietnam War tours, if you're into that sort of thing.

Hue is about a 2-3 hour coach ride from Hoi An (to the North). You can easily book passage from the tour agents in Hoi An.

Sapa (visited Sept 2011)
Sapa is very off the beaten track. It's about a 9 hour train ride from Hanoi (overnight sleeper). However if you're into trekking/seeing minorities, then it is very worth it. Sapa itself is just a launching off point, and you need to trek out of it to see the minorities. Cat Cat is supposedly a Hmong village, but it's really now a huge tourist trap. Instead, Ta Van is an authentic and easy to walk village. There are also special markets to see on certain days like Sunday and Tuesday, but I didn't get the chance to see them. Seeing all the minorities was very interesting, especially since they still largely preserve their traditional ways of dressing and living, except the one about the women learning English and obsessively following tourists around.

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I'll post about my trip soon.

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Jetstar 514

I touched down in good old Terminal 1 at 12:40am this morning, and felt a strange sense of happiness to be back. Like, 'hello home', and knowing that everything is Predictable and not Unexpected and Foreign and New (except when it's one of those many newfangled malls that keep popping up). The taxi driver that picked up us was a jovial and friendly Malay woman, who told us about her motorcycle racing accident, while avoiding a sleepy swerving taxi driver on the ECP on the way back home. She kept telling me to go get a driving license.

This morning, all showered and changed, I finally feel Female again after a while, that is, Feminine as befits my birth sex. Strange, but I never gave much thought to it while traveling.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Hello There

I am still on the road, and currently in rainy Vientiane (it's been raining for more than 18 hours straight, I didn't know this was even possible in South East Asia). Tonight my Dad and I are headed across the border to Thailand, to catch yet another sleeper train to Bangkok (the 3rd thus far), hopefully the train will be more like the Lao Cai-Hanoi train than the Guiyang-Kunming train. From Bangkok we'll take a plane ride and get back in the wee hours (cheap budget flights) on the 16th Sept, making it a total of 3 weeks on the road.

It'll be nice to be home.

Sunday, August 21, 2011

Panda Coitus

Today I met up with Cheam for lunch, before watching Hadi's play, Family Outing. We ate at a place I had found on hungrygowhere.com, because I was craving steak. It was disappointing. In turn, I did a very Singaporean thing: I wrote a bad review about the place. Then, we met Debbie, Mel, Paul and Eliel at the National Library to watch the play. It was by far one of the best plays I've seen in Singapore (which comes to about 5 proper non-school plays). It had a really good script, with good acting, lighting and sound. Quite a change from the usual standard of plays where I ended up feeling like I want to slap someone.

Afterwards the lot of us went to Seah Street to eat crepes (Debbie's suggestion). Pricy, but delicious as hell salted-caramel-butter-crepes. And I'm not even a big fan of excessively sweet stuff. Then Hadi came and the shop was closing, so we went to nearby Mcdonalds for Hadi to grab a bite. Then we all went off to get home, and I took the bus to my grandparent's place for dinner. After a delicious dinner of vinegar pig's trotters (sounds gross but, I try not to think of it as pig legs D: ), I ended spending ages trying to fix up my grandma's newly acquired toy: a voice recorder/mp3 players.

The highlight of the night however was after I had succeeded in fixing the player and had gone upstairs to see my grandfather for a while. The awesomely cold air conditioning (my grandfather likes it vaguely arctic) was a fantastic bonus. Upstairs, he first started off by complaining that I had arrived late for dinner (well they eat dinner at 5:50pm, wtf?). Then he went into his usual round of telling me that 'I have some bad habits that I need to change' (which include anyhow throwing things, and anyhow buying things - directly translated from Mandarin of course), during which I tuned out and made Mandarin Assenting Sounds like 'ORH'. As it happens the TV was turned onto CCTV4 (hello cable), and we're both watching TV as he's talking. It's some Panda breeding programme in Chengdu.

Given that my Mandarin is dismal from a lack of use and general suckiness, I'm not sure how but I remember understanding that they were closely monitoring the urine of the female panda to check for it's ovulation. Shots of pipettes (cool stuff) and vials of acid yellow urine appear on the screen. All the while my grandfather is working down his list of Things I Need To Change. Then suddenly the screen actually shows PANDAS and I'm like AWWWW, but I realise they're separated by cages. I'm still half listening to my grandfather at this point and he blocks out the commentator's audio for a moment with his monologue, and then next thing I see the bars between the two pandas is lifted up and one of the pandas goes into the other panda's cage. At this point I'm thinking "oh come on, no way in hell this is what I think it is".

But it is. Next thing I know I'm watching stunned as one panda (PROBABLY THE MALE ONE) fucks the other panda from behind. No this is not happening I'm thinking, I wonder has yeh yeh noticed it? And for a brief painful few moments I think maybe he hasn't because it's still pandas fucking on the TV. The male panda opens his mouth and makes weird moaning sounds. HOLY SHIT. And then mid panda groan, the channel changes abruptly to some Taiwanese game show. All the while my grandfather is still talking, but he falters slightly during the channel change. Um.

Even though the pandas fucked for maybe 5 seconds maximum on TV that day, I think that memory is forever, disturbingly, seared into my mind.

The Golden Notebook

There remains in my memory no other book which I have found so incredible, yet so difficult to read that I would not go through the experience again if possible. Lessing's The Golden Notebook is the first to fit into this ambiguous category: is it a good thing, a bad thing, or perhaps indicative of its remarkable nature? I don't really know.

The Golden Notebook was probably one of the most feminist texts I've ever read. Yet as Doris Lessing writes herself in the reader's guide that came with my book, she never intended it as a feminist text. It just was. Lessing's ability to portray human relationships, male-female sexual interactions in all their different shapes and messed up forms was mindblowing. She isn't one of those overwrought emotional writers which waste endless words, ink, paper on a simple interaction - her succinctness is probably one of the best I've seen. Yet at the same time due to the sheer mass of all her words, the density of content, made her extremely tiring to read. It was like eating a too rich cake. No wonder I could only plod slowly through.

Finally there is the aspect of mental illness: a theme I had not noticed as I read the book. Simply put, I had not noticed that it was there at all, because I legitimately thought that people did behave like that (and that it was acceptable). That idea, strikes me mostly more than anything else in the novel.

I guess I've found a book to add to the 2011 list.

Saturday, August 20, 2011

Mints

My favourite mints are Tic Tacs. They're sweet, smell nice (in an artificial way) and have just enough minti-ness in them to do the job when my breath feels gross. I much prefer them to the more popular Eclipse mints, although I have to admit that the tin the Eclipse mints come in is way more fun to play with since the metal is malleable.

When I dream of cold hot chocolate, I dream one the one I first drank when I was on a date with Patrick and we ended up at Far Coast. It was not too sweet and had a wee bit of minti-ness to it. I loved it.

I am reading Doris Lessing now, and she makes me want to write things.

Friday, August 12, 2011

Holland Village



Bearing absolutely no correlation to anything in this post, I thought I'd load up a picture of a very charming desk I spotted on etsy.

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I spent most of today at Holland Village.

I met Sharyl for brunch, eating at Breko Cafe. I had a rather unsatisfactory pancake with Canadian-sausage meal, mainly because it was cold and started to feel greasy. It was good meeting up with her though, seeing as that I haven't seen her in over a year. It transpired she was going to Canada in a few weeks to study in university, which came as a pleasant surprise to me. Of all the friends I still keep in touch with, she really was the oldest one, from when we were both in Secondary 1.

After brunch, I went over to her house for a bit. Partly to help babysit, partly because I wanted to see her niece and nephew, partly because I didn't want to go home and return to Holland Village in a matter of hours. I learned something today: looking after kids is tiring. In the house there were a grand total of 4 adults (Sharyl, me, her dad, her sister) to 2 kids (one 3 year old girl, one 1 year old boy) and they ran everyone ragged. Not only that, I had trouble figuring out what was appropriate for the 3 year old's age group. When she said she wanted to go to the babytv website to play games, I wtf-ed because 3 years old is hardly a baby right?!? I really don't know. Then she said she was hungry and went to eat a sweet that her grandfather gave her, and that's enough to make her full?!? Then I realise I don't know phonics and all and was trying to figure out how to get her to spell 'dancing' and attempted to get her to write C by saying it in a S-sound way (it's like danSing right, come to think of it?!?). Then the 1 year old started crying like mad because he couldn't find his parents.

Ok good thing I won't be a mother any time soon.

Afterwards I met N Seow, and spoke to him as he was getting his haircut. After that I ate Chili at Wendy's because I was dying of hunger. Then when Kyle came to pick up Nic for his farewell dinner, I went home. I spent a good 8 hours at Holland Village.

Tuesday, August 09, 2011

Phuket

I've been to Phuket 3 times in my life. First time was in mid-2004 with my parents. Second time was with my classmates in IB, in early 2007, to aid rebuilding work. Third time was the past few days, with my mum, to celebrate her 50th birthday.

Spent most of it doing nothing. Started reading two books together, The Golden Notebook and The Book of Tomorrow. Both acclaimed female authors in different fiction fields, both about women and their diaries. Both going along very different courses (hello Nobel Prize winner, hello chick flick author), providing a lovely illuminating contrast to the women in the novels. Went to the beach and as I swayed while wading in the sea thanks to strong monsoonal tides, I tried to imagine what it was like when the Tsunami hit. The lifeguard kept blowing his whistle to chase people who had wandered beyond mid-thigh sea water level out of the surf. Ended up shopping alot (because naturally of my mum). I wondered what happened to my beloved Danger! Mines! shirt that I bought in Siem Reap as we browsed the touristy t-shirt stores.

I ended up sending loads of postcards out. A roadside vendor in Patong Beach charged me 40 baht for a 15 baht stamp. Later, I stumbled upon a post office along Patong Beach and went in to get more stamps. I ended up stumbling slightly backwards in shock when I entered it. I had walked into the darkness of the post office to be greeted suddenly by 5 pairs of staring, idle eyes. It was the emptiest post office I had ever seen in my life. Most post offices it seems, tend to be packed with tired public, all struggling to get a piece of underfunded public services. At least this is the case of what I've observed in Singapore, the UK, Germany and France. Thailand it seems, is unique in more ways than one.

I realised the tasty 'White Curry' that my class was served on our 2007 OEP trip was actually a soup: Tom Kha Gai. I dreamt terrifying dreams every night. Once I dreamt of Shu falling down a muddy slope, and her slipping out my hands as she tumbled down a yellow-ey mud precipice. Then I dreamt of a tiny dog stuffed into a ball that opened in the middle, and me losing it as it ran out of sight. Another night I dreamt someone was spreading a frightful rumour about me, and I was doing my best to stop it. Then last night I dreamt of R, that we were friends and I touched his arm, feeling his smooth velvety skin. I dream in colour, feel textures, feel real emotion. I dream in bouts, sometimes I go weeks dreamless, then suddenly I can't stop dreaming at all.

I ate a lot of drunken prawns tonight for the celebratory dinner tonight. My mum turned 50.

Friday, August 05, 2011

Funky Forest/Do the Right Thing/Poltergay

I spent today having yet another movie marathon with Patrick and Nic. We watched the immensely wtf Funky Forest (Nic's), followed by the rather bleak Do the Right Thing (Patrick's) and rounding out with my absurd selection of Poltergay. For dinner we ended up at Ghim Moh, eating at De Burg, some hamburger place at a kopitiam. It was then I realised that in a week and a half's time, Nic would be gone for Oberlin, that he wouldn't really be around anymore. That everyone was really going on their separate ways now. It felt rather strange.

Afrer, we ended up walking around Kent Ridge Park, and mucking about NUS to see the new campus. Then, they drove me home.

Sunday, July 31, 2011

Oh! The Places You'll Go!

This is the first night I've been home in what feels like ages. Somehow for someone who's not working, I seem to be spending a remarkable amount of time not-at-home and being busy. I had to seriously rack my brains just to recall all of this. Another wisdom tooth removal tomorrow D:

Sunday (31st July): Had a quick lunch at home before dashing out to meet Hidayah and Ianthe at Vivocity. Amazingly I took just 30 minutes to reach despite having to change both the bus and the train at least once. Eyed Red Army Cameras at Page One, despite the fact that I haven't touched my Diana in ages. Watched Winter's Bone with my parents at night, and a bit of Liang Po Po before I got fed up and switched it off.

Saturday (30th July): !nk gathering at Jia's place. Put too much salt in the zucchini almond I had brought. Arjun picked me up, and Steph sent me back home. Having friends who drive is excellent.

Friday (29th July): Had lunch with Arjun at Al-Ameen. Tried iced horlicks. Had my favourite butter chicken with garlic naan. We then wandered to Udder's and I had a green tea ice-cream. Went to Bukit Timah Plaza to buy groceries for the !nk potluck on Sat. Went home, showered, and left immediately to meet Nic at City Hall. The train was horrendously crowded, goodness. Finished reading Of Mice and Men on the way there, was quite blown away by how well it was written. Had a really salty Japanese soup at The Soup Spoon. Watched Mong's play, and had drinks with Mong at the KKK afterwards. Mong drove me home, driving at a scarily breakneck speed.

Thursday (28th July): Pottery class in the evening. Spent the day with my Dad, watching Wu Xia and then viewing Requiem, an exhibition at NAFA on war photography during the Vietnam War. Ran into my Dad's friend, and he joined us for the photography exhibition. Went shopping around Tanglin Mall and bought myself a mini Lego aeroplane kit. Decided to buy a pink Nanoblock pig kit for Jessica, as a gift. She hugged me in appreciation. Probably the least disastrous Pottery class thus far, with my coiling going well, guess I'm getting better.

Wednesday (27th July): Reached the office in the nick of time to catch Mr. Tan before he left for court. Spent an amusing time at court with the clients, remembering the old case. Got mistaken for an actual lawyer by another random lawyer, and had an entertaining time talking to him as I waited for the case to proceed. The case ended up getting settled out of court, for 34k. Had lunch with the client's at Furama. Spent the rest of the time hanging around the office, then following Mr. Tan as we went to Challenger to buy a portable hard disk. Ate popiah.

Tuesday (26th July): Had pottery class and spoke quite a bit to Jessica, a girl who's the same age as me, visiting from New Orleans. Promised to go for Thursday's class in order to see her one last time.

Monday (25th July): Celebrated Shu's birthday with the LSE people.

Sunday (24th July): Had brunch with Hadi and Cheam. Afterwards, I went swimming at my Uncle's place with my Mum, before the whole family gathered for a nice steamboat dinner. Played with my Uncle's new massage chair and spilled a wee bit of juice on it.

Saturday (23rd July): Spent the day at home, not doing very much in particular. HM dropped by for a wee bit.

Friday (22nd July): Movie marathon with Nic and Patrick. Had lunch first at Cedele, then watched Sandcastles (not worth the time) followed by Citizen Kane (lived up to it's reputation) and then Rocket Science (hipsterrrrr). Ended up walking around botanic gardens at night, using my handphone's puny flashlight for illumination.

Thursday (21st July): Visited my Uncle at the office, and found out about an old case I worked on in 2009 finally going for assessment of damages the next week. Had lunch with him at some bento place nearby. Went home and bummed.

Wednesday (20th July): Pottery, followed by pilates as usual. Painted my pottery pieces. Spent ages sanding down a badly done piece.

Tuesday (19th July): Went for Pottery in the afternoon. Visited my grandmother in the hospital at night. She checked out the next day.

Monday (18th July): Went to return costumes, took out stitches, bought Shu's gift. Visited my grandmother in the hospital.

Sunday (17th July): Watched Your Highness with Shu at night. Had a small supper/coffee time with her after in Coffee Club at Wheelock afterwards.

Saturday (16th July): Met Ianthe and Steph at North Bridge Road, to rent costumes. Ended up renting a silly quasi-Arwen costume in honour of the intended LOTR marathon Ianthe wanted to host. On the way there, I had a rather entertaining conversation with the taxi driver over chicken parts, HDB flats and studying overseas. Played some Call of Duty. Ate a delicious celebratory meal her brother, Ian, cooked. Watched 2/3 of the extended edition of The Fellowship of the Ring.

Friday (15th July): Met my grandmother in the morning, so that she could pick up a free luggage from a travel agency. Had lunch with her at Tampopo in Liang Court. While leaving the carpark, my grandma drove into a divider, knocking off a bit of the car. Watched Harry Potter at Shaw with Ianthe, Steph, JH, Liselle and another HM.

Monday, July 25, 2011

Somewhere Out There

When I was younger, pre-laptop times, I'd watch the night sky from my open air kitchen as I ate supper. As I got older I was more pressed for time, and often brought my supper to the computer to eat. I stopped spending time looking at the sky. Not that there was much to see though. When Google Earth first came out, you could barely see Singapore because it was covered with a massive cloud for good reason: Singapore is a very cloudy place. This cloudiness of course, affected any proper attempt to stargaze. That and the massive light pollution from all the street lights, which combined to make stargazing near impossible.

I remember when I was younger, I'd look out at the night sky, at the moon and think "this is the same moon my loved one is under". For a particular partner (I'm not being mysterious, I really can't remember who it is anymore), I even told him to think of me every time he saw the moon. So the moon became a quasi-symbol of love and remembrance for me. Today when I looked out however there was no moon at all. I'm not even being dramatic, I saw no sign of the moon. The internet tells me it's a waning moon, but it sure looked like a new moon to me (I just learned that no moon = new moon while trying to find the right terminology for this). I however did see an unusually bright twinkling dot, that made me think was a satellite, and three stars dotting the night sky. I do really wonder where the moon is.

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Today I am starting Steinback's Of Mice and Men. It already feels promising, pages in. Hopefully it's small size will be a welcome respite from the Forna that I finished today.

Rosoff and Forna

I read two books about the experience of war recently, Meg Rosoff's How I Live Now and Aminatta Forna's The Memory of Love. Both books, failed to really impress me. Of the lot I suppose Forna's was better, but clocking in at 445 pages it really wore me out with it's excruciatingly slow pace and lack of dialogue. Rosoff's on the other hand, I blew through in 5 hours.

Both books were critically acclaimed, but I found the hype to be overrated. That and I didn't like the characters at all. Daisy in How I Live Now was overtly precocious in an annoying way, Edmond too self-assured to be a plausible teenager. A whole swathe of characters in The Memory of Love are overly indulgent with their emotions, choosing deliberately to linger on events and feel sad for years after with no actual steps taken to rectify things, the most annoying being Elias Cole who I wanted to strangle at various times.

While not being bad books per se, I found them nonetheless disappointing and unimpressive.

Saturday, July 23, 2011

Fear

Last night just as I was about to sleep, I wandered onto bbc.co.uk and found myself transfixed to the live news stream about the Norwegian bombings and gun attacks. I slept late, unable to quite bear with the scenes of destruction being broadcast right to my wee laptop (the wonder of modern technology indeed) and yet unable to quite ignore it, despite the fact that I could do nothing. This morning I woke up to the news that of the gun attack, 80+ people had died. This was quite a change from the 4 quoted in the news before I went to sleep. He shot into the water even, eyewitnesses said, to kill those attempting to swim to safety.

I spent the morning in a vague haze of sadness. Sadness at the fact that the world seemed so violent and harsh, and how easily one person could destroy the lives of so many families. Sadness that no one really, could do anything about it. Sad too, for myself, because it made me feel that little bit more scared of the world.

The last time I really remember feeling quite like this was the night of my graduate prom in 2008. It was 28 November 2008, and I had spent an entire night being blinded by flashes in a darkened ballroom. My feet hurt from my really high heels, exacerbated by the fact that my stockinged feet slid in the shoes. My eyes were dying from the dry contact lenses, and my makeup was starting to smudge into the warm humid air of the night. I had gone with the !nk crowd to the old Color Bar in HV. Somehow I remember drifting into a blue funk at random times, feeling immensely sad at the thought of the Mumbai bombings, which my friends around me chattered. I'd walk away, and off into random corners to just think about how terrible the world was, and how sad everything was. Ultimately pointless, but I did it anyway.

Today HM came over for a bit, and we started talking about graduate school. The thought about how everything was so unknown, and how I didn't want my proverbial wings to be clipped, made me scared. She told me she was scared too, but it was one of those things where two scared people together only magnifies the problem. She had to leave soon away, she was going to have dinner at her grandmother's.

After dinner I asked my mother why she decided to have children. She couldn't really give me an answer. I asked my maid, Felice. She couldn't give me an answer either. Blargh, I thought, about the future. It seems so unknown, and therefore so scary. Yet it's typically get an education, get married, have kids. It seems so simple and straight-forward, yet why do I feel so scared at how uncertain everything is? (At the same time I feel slightly resentful at how 'certain' it ought to be, but that's something for another time.) It seems I am always scared, and hence often sad.

And the's when I thought most about what I want to achieve from this year for myself: I want to live a life as best as I can free from fear. Fear of overcooking food, fear of not being able to get good enough grades, fear of being emotionally hurt by yet another person. I'm tired of being afraid, and I want to break free from what is arguably a pointless emotion.

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Top Ten Reads for 2010

Extremely long overdue, and not even fully complete because I no longer possess some of these books at hand and can no longer recall what drew me to each book: I present the Top Ten Book List of 2010 (in no particular order). There's a 11A and 11B this time (thus 13 books on the list), because each book alone was not quite enough to make me want it to be on the list, and I had quite forgotten I had read the remarkable A Clockwork Orange last year until I had fully typed out the details of 11A and 11B. My memory's not quite what it used to be, it seems.

Cheers.

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1. After Dark - Haruki Murakami

Eyes mark the shape of the city.

Through the eyes of a high-flying night bird, we take in the scene from midair. In our broad sweep, the city looks like a single gigantic creature-or more like a single collective entity created by many intertwining organisms. Countless arteries stretch to the ends of its elusive body, circulating a continuous supply of fresh blood cells, sending out new data and collecting the old, sending out new consumables and collecting the old, sending out new contradictions and collecting the old. To the rhythm of its pulsing, all parts of the body flickr and flair up and squirm. Midnight is approaching, and while the peak of activity has passed, the basal metabolism that maintains life continues undiminished, producing the basso continuo of the city's moan, a monotonous sound that neither rises nor falls but is pregnant with foreboding.

This was the first Haruki Murakami book I read, and it's setting left a deep impression on me. As seen in previous years (2009/2008), I have a soft spot for the underbellies of Asian cities, particularly Japanese ones. No one does noir-ish stuff as good as Japanese writers, somehow. I would and could launch into a pseudo-cultural commentary here about the reasons why Japan is so potent with this sort of stuff, but I shall refrain.

After Dark essentially follows a young woman around Japan (literally) after dark, when the last metro trains for the suburbs leave central Tokyo. She meets a whole host of characters of the nocturnal sort, cafe waitresses, musicians and even love hotel workers/working girls as she struggles to come to terms with her own feelings about her supernaturally comatose sister. I was left feeling with a strange sense of unease at the end, and didn't really like the supernatural bits about the sister. Still it was an overall transfixing narrative.

2. Wild Swans - Jung Chang

At the age of fifteen my grandmother became the concubine of a warlord general, the police chief of a tenuous national government of China. The year was 1924 and China was in chaos. Much of it, including Manchuria, where my grandmother lived, was ruled by warlords. The liaison was arranged by her father, a police officer in the provincial town of Yixian in southwest Manchuria, about a hundred miles north of the Great Wall and 250 miles northeast of Peking.

2010 also marks the introduction of non-fiction books into the list, the next being Jon Ronson's Them. I remember lugging the super thick and battered copy of Wild Swans all the way to work, in hopes of a slow day as M/s A when I worked for them last year so I could read instead. A wonderfully told story of three generations of her family, following the ups and downs of the past few decades of Chinese history, this is a must to gain a first-person understanding of China during the Maoist era. The sheer scale and length of the narrative alone makes it a true, modern day epic.

I just don't trust her take on Mao from a historical point of view.

3. Black Swan Green - David Mitchell

Do not set foot in my office. That's Dad's rule. But the phone'd rung twenty-five times. Normal people give up after ten or eleven, unless it's a matter of life or death. Don't they? Dad's got an answering machine like James Garner's in The Rockford Files with big reels of tape. But he's stopped leaving it switched on recently. Thirty rings the phone got to. Julia couldn't hear it up in her converted attic 'cause "Don't You Want Me?" by the Human League was thumping out dead loud. Forty rings. Mum couldn't hear 'cause the washing machine was on berserk cycle and she was hoovering the living room. Fifty rings. That was just not normal. S'pose Dad had been mangled by a juggernaut on the M5 and the police only had this phone number 'cause all his other ID's got charred? We could lose out our final chance to see our charred father in the terminal ward.

I loved Black Swan Green. I love David Mitchell. There is just something to his writing that sweeps me away, the way he writes is so clear and concise, yet the words still maintain a musicality. Little bits of the book jumped out at me, like being amused about that his father works for Greenland, a grocery store in the UK (hahaha, Iceland anyone?). Then there was the story about how Black Swan Green got it's name: the locals thought it'd be ironic. But there were the wonderfully crafted scenes of the slow breakdown of relations between his parents. The fight about the rockery was so perfectly crafted, conveying the strain between his parents, about how people fight seemingly little battles as a front to larger ones. The fight about the rockery was essentially one of a power struggle between his parents, with an extremely comedically tragic ending as the expensive koi gets eaten by a heron. Then of course there's the father's affair. Black Swan Green is not just a novel about Jason, the young protagonist, but about his parents and their struggle to find meaning in their middle ages.

4. Such a Long Journey - Rohinton Mistry

The first light in the morning barely illuminated the sky as Gustard Noble faced eastwards to offer his orisons to Ahura Mazda. The hour was approaching six, and up in the compound's solitary tree the sparrows began to call. Gustard listened to their chirping every morning while reciting his kusti prayers. There was something reassuring about it. Always, the sparrows were first; the cawing of crows came later.

Rohinton Mistry, is another master storyteller. Marrying a straightforward prose style, it made all the disturbing icky bits all the more clear an image in one's mind. Especially when it came to Tehmul and the doll, I remember having to put down the book and walk away for a while because I couldn't take the imagery. I replicate bits of it here for your pleasure:-

"Dilnavaz began undressing the doll… the pearl necklace, shoes, stockings, came off one by one, as Tehmul watched, fascinated. When she started to unbutton the dress, he became quite restless.

'OK Tehmul, pay attention,' said Gustard. 'You know what to do with this?' But Tehmul was engrossed in the undressing of the doll. Dilnavaz was down to the underclothing when a trickle of saliva started to descend from one corner of his mouth.

…On the way out he hesitated. The doll was stripped down to it's anatomically vague pink plaster. 'Ohhhh.' His nostrils flared; his mouth began to move in a manner of a ruminant's; a hand reached out."


Then there was the bit about Tehmul and him begging the prostitutes:-

"Pleasepleaseonceonly. Onceonlyonce. Fastfastrubbingpleaseonceonly. Pleasetakemoneypleaseplease. Letmetouchletmepressonceonly."

I died reading that. Rohinton Mistry wrote it so well. It's like watching a train wreck, but in prose form.

There were also a lot of memorable, strand out scenes in the book which struck me. There was the bit about the chicken, where Gustard fails at an attempt to relieve his childhood by killing a chicken because his children start to see it as a pet. Then there's his fight with his oldest son, Sohrab. Then his best friend Dinshawji's behaviour and his subsequent death. Dilvanaz's attempts to right her family problems through magic limes given to her by the neighbour, Miss Kutpitia. So many different intersecting strands of narrative, all sewn up together so well.

5. Great Gatsby - F. Scott Fitzgerald

In my younger and more vulnerable years my father gave me some advice that I’ve been turning over in my mind ever since.

“Whenever you feel like criticizing any one,” he told me, “just remember that all the people in this world haven’t had the advantages that you’ve had.”

He didn’t say any more, but we’ve always been unusually communicative in a reserved way, and I understood that he meant a great deal more than that. In consequence, I’m inclined to reserve all judgments, a habit that has opened up many curious natures to me and also made me the victim of not a few veteran bores. The abnormal mind is quick to detect and attach itself to this quality when it appears in a normal person, and so it came about that in college I was unjustly accused of being a politician, because I was privy to the secret griefs of wild, unknown men. Most of the confidences were unsought — frequently I have feigned sleep, preoccupation, or a hostile levity when I realized by some unmistakable sign that an intimate revelation was quivering on the horizon; for the intimate revelations of young men, or at least the terms in which they express them, are usually plagiaristic and marred by obvious suppressions. Reserving judgments is a matter of infinite hope. I am still a little afraid of missing something if I forget that, as my father snobbishly suggested, and I snobbishly repeat, a sense of the fundamental decencies is parcelled out unequally at birth.


A classic well deserving of it's status in literature, The Great Gatsby married both a wonderfully written narrative with a simple story. Same can't be said for Tender is the Night, which I read in Dec 2010 and absolutely hated.

6. American Psycho - Bret Easton Ellis

Abandon all hope ye who enter here is scrawled in blood red lettering on the side of the Chemical Bank near the corner of Eleventh and First and is in print large enough to be seen from the back of the cab as it lurches forward in traffic leaving Wall Street and just as Timothy Price notices the words a bus pulls up, the advertisement for Les Miserables on its side blocking his view, but Price who is with Peirce & Peirce and twenty six doesn't seem to care because he tells the driver he will give him five dollars to turn up the radio, "Be My Baby" on WYNN, and the driver, black, not American, does so.

One of the most disturbing pieces of literature I have ever read in my life, American Psycho nonetheless stands out for it's sheer ability to get to the heart of the darkest human psyches, and darkly compared the to the modern capitalist world. Bret Easton Ellis manages to craft Patrick Bateman, the literal American Psycho, into a character one can sympathise (but not empathise!) with. His brutal murders of prostitutes (HORRIFYING) are contrasted with insights into a deeply fractured mind. Easton Ellis' characterisations of Bateman's panic attacks are altogether so perfect and on the dot, and the way Bateman uses music as a numbing tool to block out his mind when he's using a chainsaw to saw someone to death, is sheer literary genius. Definitely one of the most memorable books on this list.

7. The Unaccustomed Earth - Jhumpa Lahiri

After her mother's death, Ruma's father retired from the pharmaceutical company where he had worked for many decades and began traveling in Europe, a continent he'd never seen. In the past year he had visited France, Holland, and most recently Italy. There were package tours, traveling in the countryside, each meal and museum and hotel prearranged. He was gone for two, three, sometimes four weeks at a time. When he was away Ruma did not hear from him. Each time, she kept the printout of his flight information behind a magnet on the door of the refrigerator, and on the days he was scheduled to fly she watched the news, to make sure there hadn't been a plane crash anywhere in the world

Jhumpa Lahiri's words and chosen language are unremarkable in their accessibility and mundanity, but these only serve as a backdrop, a reflector even, in the stories she tells. How her words reach deep inside into your emotions, caress them and make you empathise as much as you were the characters themselves. She is a magical weaver of worlds, with the material of the common man. Definitely one of the only writers of short stories that I trust.

8. A Short History of Tractors in Ukaranian - Marina Lewycka

Two years after my mother died, my father fell in love with a glamourous blonde Ukrainian divorcee. He was eighty-four and she was thirty-six. She exploded into our lives like a fluffy pink grenade, churning up the murky water, bringing to the surface a sludge of sloughed up memories, giving the family ghosts a kick up the backside.

I give this book, and highly recommend it, to all my close friends. This was also, coincidentally the first book I read of the year, and I read it on Pulau Sibu when I was on a holiday with my parents over the 2009/2010 new year. It was not even my book: the sea wind battered copy was borrowed from the little hotel's roving bookshelf. It apparently first belonged to the owner, who then left it there for the pleasure of the guests. My dad first stumbled upon it when he gave up reading Nicholas Spark's The Notebook, and he recommended it to me after I had tore through Ha Jin's War Trash (see 2009's list).

It was absolutely hilarious and heartwarming, all rolled into a ball. I was introduced to a world of Toshiba Apples, Botticellian Breasts and Lada cars, complete with an actual history of tractors. I literally rolled over with laughter at multiple parts. Somehow, Lewycka's first novel proved to be the best written of all her present novels.

9. A Clockwork Orange - Anthony Burgess

'What's it gonna be then, eh?'

There was me, that is Alex, and my three droogs, that is Pete, Georgie and Dim, Dim being really dim, and we sat in the Korova Milkbar making up our rassoodocks what to do with the evening, a flip dark chill winter bastard though dry. The Korova Milkbar was a milk-plus mesto, and you may, O my brothers, have forgotten what theses mestos were like, things changing so skorry theses days and everybody very quick to forget, newspapers not being read much neither. Well what they sold there was milk plus something else. They had no license for selling liquor, but there was no law yet against prodding some of the new veshches which they used to put into the old moloko, so you could peet it with vellocet or synthemesc or drencrom or one or two other veshches which would give you a nice quiet horrorshow fifteen minutes admiring Bog and All His Holy Angels and Saints in your left shoe with lights bursting all over your mozg. Or you could peet milk with knives in it, as we used to say, this would sharpen you up and make you ready for a bit of twenty-to-one, and that was what we were peeting this evening I'm starting off the story with.


This was another book that was hard to read, for it's extremely violent content. Of course compared to American Psycho, reading this while on my trip to Amsterdam was comparatively much easier. Nonetheless the senseless acts of violence was quite jarring, and I especially felt horrid when I read about them attacking the old man. At least Patrick Bateman attacked bums and prostitutes quickly, much unlike this lot which enjoyed violence for violence's sake. Still, Burgess managed to create in Alex a likeable enough character - you see his love for music, the power struggle within his group, his attempts at redemption. What really struck me the most through was the role of the Priest/Pastor (I forget which now) in the book: he maintains that by the authorities forcibly removing Alex's ability to commit violence, they are taking away his humanity, his ability to make decisions no matter how reprehensible.

Throught provoking.

10. Them: Adventures with Extremists - Jon Ronson

It was a balmy Saturday afternoon in Trafalgar Square in summertime, and Omar Bakri Mohammed was declaring Holy War on Britain. He stood on a podium at the front of Nelson's Column and announced that he would not rest until he saw the Black Flag of Islam flying over Downing Street. There was much cheering. The space had been rented out to him by Westminister Council.

And thus so begins Them, with one of the most awesome beginning paragraphs I have read in my 21 odd years. Ronson managed to put a hilarious spin to what could've arguably been a very dry topic. Instead the way he documents his encounters with the extremists, like Omar Bakri giving out flyers at Holborn station, another's insistence that the world is secretly run by alien lizards, plus interviews with the modern KKK, is hilarious. Then there are the sobering bits, of governments gone simply mad and eliminating viewed extremists with no prejudice. What emerges is a rollicking ball of amusement. Next to Tractors, this is one of the other books I have made a point to give to friends as a gift, because it is simply worth reading. Such a hidden gem, considering I bought it for £2 for my favourite bookshop in Oxford.

11A. We Are All Made of Glue - Marina Lewycka

The first time I met Wonder Boy, he pissed on me. I suppose he was trying to warn me off, which was quite prescient when you consider how things turned out.

One afternoon in late October, somewhere between Stoke Newington and Highbury, I'd ventured into an unfamiliar street, and come across and entrance of a cobbled lane that led in between two high garden walls. After about fifty metres the lane opened out into a grassy circle and I found myself standing in front of a big double-fronted house, half derelict and smothered in ivy, so completely tucked away behind the gardens of the neighbouring houses that you'd never have guessed it was there, crouched behind a straggly privet hedge and a thicket of self-seeded ash and maple saplings. I assumed it was uninhabited - who could live in a place like this? Something was carved on the gatepost. I pulled the ivy aside and read: Canaan house. Canaan - even the name exuded a musty whiff of holiness.


Dealing with the protagonist, Georgie, undergoing a new separation from her husband. As she fights her own heartbreak and geriatrics for the discounted Sainsbury food, she runs into a host of new characters in her life - most significantly her elderly neighbour Naomi. Some bits made me cry, some bits made me laugh like mad. Some bits struck me with their meaning. But yet somehow, the ending made me feel a little dissatisfied. Hence We Are All Made of Glue barely made the list, and pales far in comparison to Tractors.

11B. The Way Things Look to Me - Roopa Farooki

Asif Declan Kalil Murphy has a brooding resentment of his name, and by extension, of his deceased parents, although he resents them for many more things than his name, up to and including their untimely departure from life. The trouble with his name he thinks, is that it promises so much more - it promises that he will be interesting and exotic, larger than life, Irish charm and whimsy blended with South Asian mysticism and romance. Asif finds it impossible to live up to his shining name, and so shudders moth-like just behind it; avoiding introductions and hiding behind initials.

I was drawn to this book because one of the characters in the story is a high functioning autistic. I smiled at the bits of her I recognised in my brother. Rather, this book was about the impact of the autistic child on the family's relations, one of the more honest bits of writing about autism I've seen to be honest. In the bitter sister, I recognised bits of myself growing up. In the brother, I recognised the role I'd soon have to undertake as sole caregiver. The characters were likeable enough, yet somehow as a whole it rang slightly hollow at the end.

Disappointments
1. Kafka on the Shore (Haruki Murakami): spent most of the end bits of the book going WTF?!
2. Tender is the Night (F. Scott Fitzgerald): felt that Fitzgerald was being overly self-indulgent, too needlessly wordy
3. Two Caravans (Marina Lewycka): narrative too scattered and messy
4. Possession (A. S. Byatt): extreme and gratuitous literary wanking, stopped reading 1/3 through lest I act on my impulse to immolate the book and it's annoying characters

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I'll attempt to be more conscientious with this year's list, hahaha.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Random Ramblings: July 2011 Edition

Yesterday I realised as I was looking around the pharmacy that I was really really not prepared to be a mother. This thought occurred to me as I was in the condom/baby stuff/pregnancy test/eye wash (eye wash?!) aisle, and there was a cute teddy bear for sale that I was drawn to. If I'm still at an age where I am drawn to cute stuffed toys, I am not yet old enough to be a mother. This is because it dawned on me then, that I might fight with my baby for possession of the cutest stuffed toys to hug. Ergo, I am not old enough to be a mother.

I was originally going to call this entry Thosai, after celebrating the fact that I found out I was not carrying a little R Daniel Narang on my person (it'd be a 1/4 Indian baby come to think of it) by devouring a Thosai from a Komala Vilas branch at Tanglin Shopping Mall after pottery class. I don't think I've ever enjoyed eating with my hands so much before. I was originally going to eat my Thosai with utensils, and even took some from the counter. I ended up using my clay-powdery fingers to attack the Thosai. It was immensely satisfying. On another note: I do wonder how much clay I ingested as a result of my enthusiasm.

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I was going to also perhaps call this entry Postcard. I am sending postcards again, with the most beautiful non-touristy ones from Cat Socrates in Bras Bersah. As hipster as that place is, walking in really makes me feel happy and calm with happy-hipster-vibes. I was there on Monday, running errands and returning to costumes Ianthe and I borrowed for her birthday celebrations on Saturday. I ended up eating at KFC and having a tasty Zinger burger by myself. I noted that all the pictures and names used in the current KFC advertising/interior design campaign were all Caucasian.

And then there is this:


The postcards I went to send off to ones away from me.


And the middle one: an ode to Dr S-'s rhotacism, which I have fallen in love with. I would sit in lectures and listen to the lull of his voice, and smile to myself. Weally, weally, he'd say, instead of really, really. And then because he's German when he tried to say Jewelry he'd say Jewry and I'd think of those old-school Nazi era racist math questions, and giggle to myself (offense, totally not intended, I just posses a healthy sense of irony and inappropriateness). Bureaucracy'd turn into buwocwacy and the like. His speech reminded me of Elmer Fudd. Nonetheless, I fell for his speech impediment, which I found utterly adorable.

His postcard is of a person floating in a parachute.

Friday, July 15, 2011

Sigh

So just before I was about to go to bed, I decided to go into my brother's room and check in on him. As I raised the blanket to cover him, I noticed a strange panelling that looked oddly familiar, lying in a weird piece next to him. I went back to my room and checked my new trekking bag. Surprise! My brother decided to cut out the panelling at the back of the bag, which was meant both to give the bag structure and promote air circulation. I suppose it's because it stuck out and didn't lie flat against the bag, and somewhere this totally fried his brain, and thus he decided to cut it off.

I have no idea where he got the scissors from. We hid all the scissors after he decided to cut up all the photographs downstairs. Also I locked my damn door before I left the house to go out.

Upset, but still sticking to the plan, I went back to his room. I pulled the blanket off fully, and as I raised in in the air to tuck him in properly I saw them. Next to my brother, sleeping angelically on his side, was all the panelling cut into pieces. It was like a horror movie, when the scene is fully revealed and where the blood was previously hidden, it turns out to be everywhere.

I can do nothing but sigh. I want to sleep now, badly, but I'm not sure if I can anymore.

A person: a mirror

I often wonder if I have aged very much over the past 2 years. I am, as always, an experience collector. I collect experiences. And I find lately I emerge from them with new wrinkles. I feel as if on the inside, I am much more wizened than my outer appearance suggests (a fact mentioned many times by the teens I met on the cruise: they thought I looked 18).

10 years had passed since I first started watching Harry Potter. Today, I saw it with Liselle, Hui Min, Ianthe, Steph and JH. A true end of a decade. I wonder where I'll be in 19 years time indeed.

Thursday, July 14, 2011

Alabama, Arkansas

Last week was spent being quite a social butterfly.

3/7/2011 - Sunday. Spent it at Ianthe's place hanging out with Steph and Jiahui playing Little Big Planet 2. Missy, the Siberian Husky, was scary. She licked me randomly, which was really creepy/disturbing, but licked Jiahui way more.
4/7/2011 - Monday. Spent it having dinner with Chang Hong and Tiffany, then I had supper with Mong, Hadi and Andrea to celebrate Mong's 21st birthday. Conversation topics were rather dodgy, but no one was around to really eavesdrop. Brought Ryan for a walk in the afternoon.
5/7/2011 - Tuesday. Hadi came over to wach My Blueberry Nights. He liked it, hooray!
6/7/2011 - Wednesday. Pottery class in the morning, and then pilates class at night. I am unfit. Both in moulding clay and physical fitness.
7/7/2011 - Thursday. Lunch with Jiayun in Holland Village, then another pottery class at night. While at Holland V Jia ran into an old family friend. His fly was open. I pointed it out and he zipped it up. I borrowed a trashy novel from the EMI bookstore.
8/7/2011 - Friday. Met Patrick and Nic Seow at Dempsey, came back mid-afternoon to watch a silly Japanese movie I had rented the previous day.
9/7/2011 - Saturday. Had lunch with my mother, went out at night for dinner with Mong to celebrate his birthday. Ended up wandering around the Zouk area at 1am in the morning, eating roti prata and seeing the mess the Zouk partiers left around.
10/7/2011 - Sunday. Had lunch at Putien with my guo mah, then had dinner with my grandma, grandpa and uncle's family. Made my cousin very hyper by playing with him.

This week was more sedate.

11/7/2011 - Monday. Got my wisdom tooth taken out. Complained a lot. Felt like dracula (sucking my own blood). Ate porridge for dinner, sigh.
12/7/2011 - Tuesday. Stayed at home, but took brother out in the afternoon for a walk. Cleaned out my cupboard. Watched Broadwalk Empire with my Dad at night.
13/7/2011 - Wednesday. Pottery and pilates again. Results came out in between, was OK. Neither particularly happy nor displeased with results. Felt resigned to being forever an underachiever. Friends did really well, which is awesome. Kinda. Watched 8 Femmes.
14/7/2011 - Thursday. Had lunch with Ianthe at Rail Mall. Gave Ianthe her birthday gift and she seemed rather happy with it. Ended up seeing Elliot and then another person from LSE. Went home and watched Helen and the Baby Fox. Wanted to watch Broadwalk Empire but mother hogged the TV to watch 8 Femmes.

TOMORROW: HARRY POTTER IN 3D!

Can't wait.

Sunday, July 10, 2011

Prednisone

I've never really spoken much to my friends about my brother, except in jest or to relay some silly anecdote about something hilarious that happened involving him/he did. I always try to make light of the situation, painting him in a very silly light, laughing at times at him. Sometimes it's to the point that I suspect my friends think of him as a mere joke, because all I tell are the funniest stories. Fact is, making fun of things is the coping strategy my family decided to adopt when it was revealed that my younger brother suffered from severe autism. That and perhaps my Dad was always a joker, even before any of us were born.

Brought up in a large, supportive, extended family I had always been relatively sheltered from the day to day minutiae of bringing up my brother. I never had to take care of him, and as a result never really saw him as a real sibling. He was just an irritant when I was younger, destroying my toys, stealing my food, and taking my parents away from me. Just a creature that I shared a house and DNA with, but with no real affection. It was hard after all, for me to understand why my younger brother was the way he was, especially since as a child I was already questioning everything. It was hard to accept the answer "he just is like that", as an explanation for the millions of things he did that upset me. Then when it came to things he destroyed, because he wandered into my room, I would get scolded in turn because I should have "known better than to leave things lying around".

There was a time too I remember, when he got into a drawing and biting mode. I was, and still am an incredibly chaotic and messy person with my belongings. There were times where my textbooks would get chewed up to the extent that pages and covers would fall off. Then there was a flower drawing phrase, where every paper-like object would get flowers scrawled all over it, including my homework. One time, after my brother destroyed my math homework, I recopied it out without the working. My parents wrote a note to the teacher, who I was already terrified of. She took the note, accepted my new clean homework. When she gave them back however, she forgot completely about the note my parents had written and instead mocked me in front of the whole class for having such 'neat' homework that I didn't need to do any workings, implying heavily that I had copied all my work from someone. Strange how little things like that stay with you.

It wasn't till I was about 12 that my attitude towards my brother started to change slowly. I was growing older, more used perhaps, to things. It wasn't a rapid change, but an incredibly slow one. I had always been rather protective of him when I was younger, even though I wasn't a huge fan of him, so that didn't really change. What changed however was that I started to see him more as a living, breathing person, rather than just an It. It was then that I really started to become a sister, finally able to let him into my heart and play little silly games with him. Then, I could pick him up in my arms and swing him around until he laughed with delight. I could tickle him until he curled up into a ball. I could appreciate fully the fact that he was smiling at something I had done for him.

I'm not sure when the next turning point in my life came, though I suspect it was around the time I was 17. I say that because I remember a classmate noticing a bite mark on my wrist in class one day, and me not being unduly upset about the bite to make a big fuss of it to my friends. It's like I finally understood, "it just is". This was where I finally transitioned from sister into quasi-caregiver. These were a hard few years, with my brother finally hitting puberty. He rapidly outgrew me and most of the family in height, increased in muscle strength, became more defiant. It was harder to control him now from behaving badly in public. Plus physical force, like dragging him away from something, no longer worked. I still played with him, but I could no longer lift him up even though he'd pull my arms around his waist like before. He also became less ticklish. I started helping out a bit more, disciplining, bringing him to and from classes.

Almost exactly a year ago, my brother threw a massive tantrum and was completely freaking out. My parents barricaded themselves in their room, waiting for him to calm down. I had been preparing to go out clubbing with friends, and so even though knew something was happening, didn't quite know the extent or root cause. In my distracted mind, I decided the best way to get him to calm down and go to sleep would be to stick to the routine. I took his toothbrush, put toothpaste on it and called for him a few times to come and brush his teeth. Instead, he got more frustrated and lunged at me, grabbing me by the shoulders while digging his fingers into my skin and leaned over to try and bite me as I screamed and screamed for help. My parents ran out of the room to help, and I went back to my room to cry because I was so shaken by the incident. I had never been so scared of my brother before.

The first time I really brought my brother out alone before was just last week. I was going for a walk to clear my head of R, and decided to ask my brother along since he looked so bored. We walked to a park about 15 minutes away from home in the sweltering heat, and I watched my 17-year-old-but-still-a-baby brother squeeze himself into the playground set, some 50cm too tall for everything. Still, he was happy there, never having grown up in his mind. Getting home proved a bit tricker, since he didn't want to leave. Later in the week, as I left the house on Thursday to meet Jiayun in Holland Village for lunch, my brother ran to the door, hoping I'd take him out. It made me sad to have to tell him I couldn't, as he looked at me with those large eyes of his.

Today as I walked with my father and brother back to the car from an emergency trip to the doctor's, I mused how just 24 hours ago I was being a totally irresponsible youth at Mong's 21st birthday party. Now, I had just brought my brother to the doctor's, registered him, applied cream as he scratched away from a major allergic reaction afterwards (hives, just like me last time). It was but a drop in the massive ocean of responsibility my parents carried everyday, and I thought about this was how just the beginning of me one day fully taking ownership of my very special brother. I thought about the duplicity in my life, I thought about Rajan and how he'd really be the only person that'd fully understand. I thought about how I missed him the teensiest bit.

Right before I wrote this, I went to check in on my brother. From going to bed just 15 minutes earlier, he was soundly asleep. Looked like the many antihistamines we gave him before we desperately visited the doctor's finally knocked him out. It was a nice change, from just hours earlier when I was trying to sponge him with a cold towel to stop the scratching. I had seen the welts and the redness spread all over his body. I had tried to hold him hands to get him to stop scratching. I thought about how good it was that I was home this time round, so I could help out. I think now, about my future, and how I'll never really be alone in this life because my brother is wholly dependent on me. It's both a scary and a comforting thought.