Relationships

I think I've been so deprived of intimate relations with a male for so long that I've started falling in love with (almost!) every other male I meet. I imagine possibilities, of laughing together, holding hands, and snuggling up with a movie. What a sad, sad outcome.

Then again, this is the longest I've been single since I was 19. This month makes it 1 year and 3 months since I've been in any relationship. Not sure whether to go 'boo' or be relieved at the drama-free-ness of it all. But for today it'll be a 'boo'. 

Bull

Blah, I don't think I believe in the nonsense I'm writing for this paper >.<

Meh

After a shitty and depressive last week, and a plodding but OK weekend, I feel completely grounded down and tired today. Every damn thing is tedious. I have to finish my readings for tomorrow's History of American Education Class (ok, but not exactly exciting reading), do a reading response for that, while jugging a theory paper due on Wednesday for my Peace Education and Human Rights class (that makes me feel like I'm squeezing blood of a rock while simultaneously pounding my head against a brick wall). Meanwhile I just finished eating dinner and cleaned up - steamed mince pork and egg - that took forever to cook because apparently the voltage on my Singapore-bought rice cooker is not happy with the voltage of my US-based power outlet. I just feel incredibly ground down by everything, and I'm still unsure of what exactly I'm doing/my potential place as an ostensibly contributing member of society.

Then again, I noticed today that one of my classmates in my Crusades class had changed his facebook profile picture from one of him and his fiancee to a nondescript one, and in class I noticed his wedding band was gone. I guess there are always other people dealing with far, far more shit.

The Main Issue

I think the reason I get so upset about this whole Educational/Development thing is because I really really really loathe rhetoric, politics and people arguing about unrealistic things. I like straight facts, practicality, unemotional things (because after all, we're talking about real lives! In the same time frame we're talking about these things!). I find myself profoundly frustrated about this whole affair, and all I want to do is withdraw into the relative calmness of History where we're not talking about real suffering and current problems. PAH.

Life Questions

I woke up this morning, and felt depressed. I have not felt this depressed in a long time, and not even when Joaquin broke up with me, because that was a certain sort of sadness but not one that felt critical to my entire being (I exaggerate, I hope). See, since I've entered TC I've always questioned whether I'm in the right place. I'm happy here alright, but is it the best place for me? It boils down again to me wondering whether I made the right decision: to pursue History or to pursue Education? The reason I didn't chose History was because I felt the path was harder and it might be harder for me to find a job. Practical, economic, scaredy-cat reasons. So I turned to Education instead, thinking of it as a route where I could apply my passion and love, and do the most for the world around me.

Now however as I struggle with my readings for TC and wonder if there's a point to all of this, I wonder how happy I'd really be doing research for NGOs, when I'd much rather be scrabbling around a dusty archive and creating the knowledge that people will study. I am afraid, and scared that I will not be happy. That I am paying all this money, and putting in all this effort, only to end up unhappy at the end. That I will not be following my dream, that I will sorely regret it, that I will not live up to my fullest potential.

So for most of today I just lay in bed. Zoning out. Occasionally drifting in and out of sleep. Neglecting all the goddamned work I have to do. I feel like tearing out of frustration, because the solution could be so easy, for it all lies within me. Yet, I am unable to yank an answer out. And all I can do is pray for wisdom and comfort.

All from my Crusades professor asking me in passing, after class had ended, How Was I Finding TC?

"I don't know, I wonder if I have made the wrong choice."

Class Readings and Questions

Yesterday I met Arjun in Princeton (after not having seen him for a good handful of years). After we had lunch and tea, I crossed the road to the Princeton public library to try and finish my readings for my class on the First Crusade. On the ground level at the back of the library I found a table with just one other person sitting at it, asked for permission to sit down, and dragged out my readings - Canon 2 of the Council of Clermont (1095) and the Goal of the Eastern Crusade: "To liberate Jerusalem" or "To liberate the Church of God"? and Pope Urban II's Council of Piacenza to name a few. I felt lethargic and zoned out after hanging out with Arjun, plus we had drank some pretty unsatisfactory Thai Iced Tea that now made me feel sick. The writer's argument was subtle, and I kept reading the same lines over and over again, trying to wrap my mind about what exactly he was trying to say. Around me I could see people napping, and I wanted to join in too. I read the same lines over and over.

While pouring over my reading, I heard a strange whisper sound come from my right. As I turned to look, my mind registered the noise, "Are you in college here?" I realised it was the guy sitting to my right, who had been tapping away on his macbook and making small noises here and there as he worked. We ended up having a great chat (with stage whispers and lowered tones) for quite some time and he told me he was working on a business proposal for a wearable medical monitor akin to those fitness bands that are in vogue now. He seemed decent, intelligent and nice. Then he asked, "Would you be interested in having dinner with an old man?" His face had flushed as the question left his mouth.

For you see, he had mentioned his age earlier. He was 62 (but he didn't look it). He was divorced, and had two sons. The oldest one was 29, and the youngest 22. I calculated in my mind: he was 38 when I was born. He was older than my parents. He could technically be my grandfather. But we'd had a genuinely nice conversation, and he did not give off creepy vibes at all. So I smiled and said yes, That Would Be Nice, and we exchanged numbers. Then he left, and I tried to refocus my racing heart on my reading.

The whole encounter made (and is still making!) me think about what it was about him that I found nice, and what things it implied about me. That I was tired of young oafs and all they entailed? That the idea of a quiet, simple courtship sounded appealing and non threatening, never mind that he could be my grandfather? That I didn't mind hitching my wagon onto someone who would most definitely die years before my time, if it meant some normalcy? Goodness knows. I know I'm thinking too much about things, but I find it curious that I am in such a situation.

Life, is indeed terribly surprising.

As a side note, he texted soon after he left, asking me out for tea. I told him (in truth) that I was woefully busy with work this weekend, and probably would not be able to meet up. Who knows if anything else will happen?