I finished reading Saint Mazie by Jeni Attenberg earlier today, and am now starting Open City by Teju Cole. Coincidentally, both books are set in NYC. Open City even starts with a mention of Morningside Park and the Cathedral of St. John the Redeemer, places that were right by Columbia University, where I started my American life 11 years ago. I didn't know where life would take me then, and I can fully say I still don't know where life will take me now.
It's been a difficult year, and this last third of the year has been excruciatingly painful and difficult. I am battered and will bear these scars for the rest of my life, but I am somehow still here on this plane of existence. I don't know why, but I am. For better or worse it also seems like my continued existence and well-being means a lot to the people around me, so I guess I have no choice but to continue to soldier on regardless of the pain, out of my love for them. But I am tired and weary, and feeling no less lost and afraid of the unpredictability of the future than I was 11 years ago.
May this year be the most difficult one in my life, because I don't think I can survive another one like it.
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