The Bronze Horseman

I finished reading The Bronze Horseman by Paullina Simons a few nights ago, in one feverish stretch where I wanted to see what happened to the characters at the end of the story... and it turned out to be a not-very-happy one. Then I realised it was actually the first book for a trilogy, and immediately went onto Amazon to buy the other two books. I feel slightly annoyed because I wasn't exactly taken with the rather unsophisticated writing and rather melodramatic style of the prose (wanted to murder all the characters several times over), but nonetheless I want to read about a happy ending, while learning just how more miserable the story could get. Tis very much a love-hate sort of thing, a book that's unworthy of serious consideration, but one that makes you want to find out what nonsense it conjures up before it ends.

On another strange note, around the time I was getting very (undeservedly) immersed in The Bronze Horseman, I also started listening to Reflektor by Arcade Fire after putting it off for about two years. As a result, in my mind I now associate the songs with the (sub-par!) story, particularly Awful Sound (Oh Eurydice) and It's Never Over (Hey Orpheus). I cannot listen to them now without thinking about the two characters of the book now, Tatiana and Alexander, which makes me feel simultaneously wistful and annoyed.

I wonder how long Amazon will take to ship the second-hand copies over :x 

More Driving Nonsense

Had my 3rd US driving lesson yesterday, and my test is set for next Friday, 10th April. I am not at all confident in driving :x I realised yesterday that every time I step into a car after quite an interval (like a month!) I forget almost everything. Like which pedal is the brake, and which one is the accelerator. Doesn't quite help that I am unfamiliar with the *special* American ways of turning left. I think when I get my licence I'll just make only right turns.

On the other hand, my US driving instructor (a nice lady called Parveen) has a good mnemonic for parallel parking: Triple R (reverse, signal right, turn the wheel all the way to the right), turn all the way to the left, then drive forward a few inches.

I really hope I pass next Friday (can't stand any more mockery!), but even if I do pass and get my licence, I have no car to drive, and little to no confidence in my skills. Rather silly. 

25

I am turning 25 on Thursday.

I have a paper due tomorrow at 3pm (16 hours away!), and I have written just 10% of it.

This is not how I envisioned I'd be at 25.

Then again, I'm not 25 yet.

Fucking Horden and Purcell

This term I am taking an advanced level course in Medieval Mediterranean history. So far we have read the two hefty volumes of Braudel's The Mediterranean, which felt like a grandfather story but was largely coherent and very understandable. This week however, we need to read Horden and Purcell's The Corrupting Sea. So far I have made it to page 475. It feels more like page 4750. Goddamnit.

I cannot recall ever having felt so frustrated and so stupid from reading a history book before. I feel like I don't know what the fuck is happening, meanwhile the super dense narrative style of the book makes me want to projectile vomit all over the fucking tome. If I read the word "mutable" or "teological", or "insert-word-that-most-normal-people-require-a-dictionary-for" one more time, I might just go out and murder the next human being I see. Or fling the book out of my window and watch it fly seven stories down and hit the pavement of Amsterdam Avenue. I am that frustrated.

Best of all, we need to do a book review on The Corrupting Sea as a mid-term paper. As the only non-American trained historian (hello British very-different-school-of-thought!), non-Medieval person, non-fucking Columbia College person and non-reader of French/Latin/German/whatever fucking else language, I already feel vastly inferior compared to my classmates. This book just compounds all of my worst intellectual complexes, and makes me feel utterly like shit.

Who knew words had such great and terrible power?

Two Adams and a Brian

I realised last night, counting back in my head while lying in bed and trying to sleep, that I have been single for the past 1 year and 6 months. Maybe that's why now whenever I feel that I have been thwarted by love, I feel such despair and resignation. That Holy Shit Why Not Me? feeling. That maybe, just maybe, I am completely losing my marbles over this thing called 'love'. But then again I have an established track record of losing my marbles. Just that this is a new trigger to me losing my marbles. I don't recall caring so much before, or feeling so emotionally swept up in things.

Perhaps I just need to start exercising more, haha. And remembering that there is hell lot of others things I could be knuckling down to do instead.

Daft, useless emotions.

New Years Resolutions - 2015

Some resolutions for the new year ahead, something I haven't done (that is, actually thought of and resolved to do) for the past few years, we'll see if the ones I made now pan out:
Resolution 1 - Lose weight to 54kg
Reason: Have been middling about 55kg for the past few years, until now when I seem to have hit 56-57kg. Not cool.

Resolution 2 - Visit Mexico, see Aztec ruins
Reason: Meant to book a trip to do it this Winter break, but procrastinated so much/got distracted by other things, and hence never booked anything. UGH.

Resolution 3 - Get a summer internship
Reason: Is very very very important to helping me determine what I want/need to do in my career.

Resolution 4 - Watch an opera
Reason: Again, meant to watch one a few months ago, but kept putting it off, until the Met opera took a break for the winter season. Must watch Carmen within the new few months, if I am ever to experience an opera performance at all!

Resolution 5 - Get a driving licence
Reason: I would like to get this crucial life skill over and done with, thanks.

A List of Lists Of 2014

Places I visited:

1) Ipoh, Malaysia

2) Boracay, Philippines

3) Romania

4) Frankfurt, Germany

5) Philadelphia, USA

Places I have uprooted to from Singapore:

- Skillman, New Jersey, USA

- Teacher's College, New York City, New York, USA

Things I have consumed since waking up today:

- Remaining sliver of bread loaf, with slice of swiss cheese and (awesome) sweet Lebanon bologna 

- One banana

- Leftover brussel sprouts with turkey bacon

- Leftover cauliflower cheese

- Leftover creamed spinach

- Not-nice goldfish crackers

- One hibiscus flower (that tastes like hawthorn flakes)

Music I purchased in 2014:

1) Sia's Chandelier

2) L'amour est un oiseau rebelle, from Carmen

3) Handsome Family's Far from Any Road

4) Etta James' Swing Low

5) One Republic's Counting Stars

6) Lighthouse Family's High

7) Clean Bandit's Rather be

8) Echosmith's Cool kids 

9) Lorde's Royals

Things I have learnt in my first semester of Masters:

W4170x, History of the First Crusade - humans behaviour doesn't really change, but excuses do. Also gained a new appreciation for the many different accounts of events.

A&HH 4070, History of American Education - education can be, and is, a scarily powerful and political tool. Who on earth would've thought to create a whole type of special school devoted to eliminating the Native American culture? Americans did! ALSO: American education system is super fucked up.

ITSF 4613, Peace and Human Rights Education - how education, and even the way how things are taught can eventually effect great changes in society. Also gained much, much, much greater insight into the (lack of) rights of women in greater society due to existing structures).

ITSF 4090, Issues and Institutions in Educational Development - ideas about the function of education and school, awareness of core vs. periphery/north vs. south, ideas and problems about the existing field of top-down, UN large-scale type development

Types of clothes I wore for the first time in 2014:

- Black leggings

- Sweaters

- Jean leggings from Uniqlo

- Semi-sporty North Face winter jacket (because it's so cold and I can't be bothered to use my less-warm Winter coat)

- Fleece pyjama bottoms

- Ankle boots (that my Mum bought for me as a parting gift in Germany, that I absolutely love)

- Sperry topsiders (influenced by Lauren, my cousin)

- Reverted back to wearing plain, fitted t-shirts

Other miscellaneous milestones:

- Receiving no rejections from the 3 universities I applied to (TC, accepted; UPenn, accepted; Stanford, waitlisted)

- Learning how to drive a car, but failing the road test (50/50 for the Final Theory Test though!)

- Learning how to live with cats

- Parasailing with Dad in Boracay

- Cliff diving in Boracay

- Filling in many gaps of knowledge of the Middle Ages

- Finishing puzzles with my Aunt and Uncle over the Christmas break

- Figuring out the damn NYC subway system

- Learning how to use liquid eyeliner, although it still smudges

- Wearing glasses again, because one eye has slightly fuzzy vision

- Participating in qin ming with my grandparents

- Seeing the Thanksgiving float inflation

- (SORT OF) watching the Rockefeller Christmas Tree light up ceremony

- Finishing two different cross-stitch patterns (gifts for my Mum and Aunt Cat)

- Removing all my wisdom teeth

- Learning how to floss, finally

- Quitting my first job

- Tutoring/helping out/experiencing adult education (for GEDs)

Things I want to achieve in 2015:

- Get a driving license

- Visit Mexico, see the ruins!

- See the cherry blossoms bloom in Washington DC

- Finish a third cross-stitch

- Get an internship, preferably in some peace education place

New Favourite Music Video

Clean Bandit's Rather Be, simply because it's so cute. First saw it just under a week ago when I hung out with Shirin and Jerrine in K-Town to celebrate the end of the term (and the successful submission of all my work!)

Captions

Shit, this is the funniest subtitle I've seen in ages. I laughed, out loud. 

My Room

Stupid shit aside, I really do love my room. It's where all the things I like are: my computer, my books, my candles, my red panda stuffed toy, my food, and so on so forth. It's where I feel the most comfortable in the USA. It helps that today is an exceptionally sunny day, and my room get lots of mid-day sun.

On Thursday I submitted and presented the case study that I did with my group members for my core class, ITSF 4090, for which I am extremely glad, because it allows me to spend the rest of the remaining days of the term (4 days, plus today!) working on 3 different papers. Their progress report is roughly follows:

ITSF 4613 - Peace and Human Rights Ed. 70%
A&HH 4070 - History of American Ed. 70%
W4170x - History of the First Crusade 80%

So, just a few more days till I can finally relax and feel free!

First Finals Week

Typing really quickly, I just typed "Fucker of Chartres" when I really meant to type "Fulcher of Chartres", and am now immensely amused by my typo. Finals week indeed.

My Sad Rejection Song

My sad rejection song (which I must have listened to at least 10 times yesterday), is Kasey Chamber's Not Pretty Enough. True story. Then again I'm also rather nutty.

Lexapro

I went without any of my regular meds this past weekend in NJ, because on Thursday evening, I rushed out and clean forgot to bring my meds (along with a warmer jacket). As a result over the last day, plus today, I'm feeling totally fried. I think my brain is shooting WTF signals all over my body because it's shocked by the lack of SSRIs. As a result I thought I was having mini/quasi-fainting spells and was going to have a spectacular fall and eat dirt soon. I should probably have been more panicked when things started happening, but I feel so tired and zonked from all my school work that my capacity to feel anxious seems to have flown clean out of the window. Funny coping mechanisms. 

This also means of course, that it is super hard for me to concentrate on anything. Because I occasionally feel like I'm being zapped. Also I feel bloody tired.

This weekend was an eventful one. On Friday, my Uncle brought me all over the areas as I tried to get my DMV testing done. We ended up having to go to the Social Security office in Trenton (sketchy) and the back to the DMV area, where I promptly failed the written test, because I didn't know crap like 1 and 1/2 ounces of whiskey being equivalent to 12 ounces of beer (who the fuck uses ounces anyway? Oh wait - THE AMERICANS). Saturday I watched my Aunt potter around getting reading for the early Thanksgiving dinner, went grocery shopping for her, and ended off my day by going on a date for yummy pizza in Hopewell, and watching Interstellar. Sunday I woke up really late and tired (PLUS with extra brain zaps), and then came the Thanksgiving dinner where all the family friends came over. Today I am back in the city, and somehow attended and survived class without seeming too muddle-headed.

I have just taken the Lexapro. I really should have taken it earlier in the day, when I got back around the afternoon, but thought I could tough it out till tomorrow since I'd already missed my regular medcine-consuming time (the morning). Now however I am feeling spaced out as and trying hard to think coherently.

I think I've learnt my lesson to be more careful about this kind of thing.

Relationships

I think I've been so deprived of intimate relations with a male for so long that I've started falling in love with (almost!) every other male I meet. I imagine possibilities, of laughing together, holding hands, and snuggling up with a movie. What a sad, sad outcome.

Then again, this is the longest I've been single since I was 19. This month makes it 1 year and 3 months since I've been in any relationship. Not sure whether to go 'boo' or be relieved at the drama-free-ness of it all. But for today it'll be a 'boo'. 

Bull

Blah, I don't think I believe in the nonsense I'm writing for this paper >.<

Meh

After a shitty and depressive last week, and a plodding but OK weekend, I feel completely grounded down and tired today. Every damn thing is tedious. I have to finish my readings for tomorrow's History of American Education Class (ok, but not exactly exciting reading), do a reading response for that, while jugging a theory paper due on Wednesday for my Peace Education and Human Rights class (that makes me feel like I'm squeezing blood of a rock while simultaneously pounding my head against a brick wall). Meanwhile I just finished eating dinner and cleaned up - steamed mince pork and egg - that took forever to cook because apparently the voltage on my Singapore-bought rice cooker is not happy with the voltage of my US-based power outlet. I just feel incredibly ground down by everything, and I'm still unsure of what exactly I'm doing/my potential place as an ostensibly contributing member of society.

Then again, I noticed today that one of my classmates in my Crusades class had changed his facebook profile picture from one of him and his fiancee to a nondescript one, and in class I noticed his wedding band was gone. I guess there are always other people dealing with far, far more shit.

The Main Issue

I think the reason I get so upset about this whole Educational/Development thing is because I really really really loathe rhetoric, politics and people arguing about unrealistic things. I like straight facts, practicality, unemotional things (because after all, we're talking about real lives! In the same time frame we're talking about these things!). I find myself profoundly frustrated about this whole affair, and all I want to do is withdraw into the relative calmness of History where we're not talking about real suffering and current problems. PAH.

Life Questions

I woke up this morning, and felt depressed. I have not felt this depressed in a long time, and not even when Joaquin broke up with me, because that was a certain sort of sadness but not one that felt critical to my entire being (I exaggerate, I hope). See, since I've entered TC I've always questioned whether I'm in the right place. I'm happy here alright, but is it the best place for me? It boils down again to me wondering whether I made the right decision: to pursue History or to pursue Education? The reason I didn't chose History was because I felt the path was harder and it might be harder for me to find a job. Practical, economic, scaredy-cat reasons. So I turned to Education instead, thinking of it as a route where I could apply my passion and love, and do the most for the world around me.

Now however as I struggle with my readings for TC and wonder if there's a point to all of this, I wonder how happy I'd really be doing research for NGOs, when I'd much rather be scrabbling around a dusty archive and creating the knowledge that people will study. I am afraid, and scared that I will not be happy. That I am paying all this money, and putting in all this effort, only to end up unhappy at the end. That I will not be following my dream, that I will sorely regret it, that I will not live up to my fullest potential.

So for most of today I just lay in bed. Zoning out. Occasionally drifting in and out of sleep. Neglecting all the goddamned work I have to do. I feel like tearing out of frustration, because the solution could be so easy, for it all lies within me. Yet, I am unable to yank an answer out. And all I can do is pray for wisdom and comfort.

All from my Crusades professor asking me in passing, after class had ended, How Was I Finding TC?

"I don't know, I wonder if I have made the wrong choice."

Class Readings and Questions

Yesterday I met Arjun in Princeton (after not having seen him for a good handful of years). After we had lunch and tea, I crossed the road to the Princeton public library to try and finish my readings for my class on the First Crusade. On the ground level at the back of the library I found a table with just one other person sitting at it, asked for permission to sit down, and dragged out my readings - Canon 2 of the Council of Clermont (1095) and the Goal of the Eastern Crusade: "To liberate Jerusalem" or "To liberate the Church of God"? and Pope Urban II's Council of Piacenza to name a few. I felt lethargic and zoned out after hanging out with Arjun, plus we had drank some pretty unsatisfactory Thai Iced Tea that now made me feel sick. The writer's argument was subtle, and I kept reading the same lines over and over again, trying to wrap my mind about what exactly he was trying to say. Around me I could see people napping, and I wanted to join in too. I read the same lines over and over.

While pouring over my reading, I heard a strange whisper sound come from my right. As I turned to look, my mind registered the noise, "Are you in college here?" I realised it was the guy sitting to my right, who had been tapping away on his macbook and making small noises here and there as he worked. We ended up having a great chat (with stage whispers and lowered tones) for quite some time and he told me he was working on a business proposal for a wearable medical monitor akin to those fitness bands that are in vogue now. He seemed decent, intelligent and nice. Then he asked, "Would you be interested in having dinner with an old man?" His face had flushed as the question left his mouth.

For you see, he had mentioned his age earlier. He was 62 (but he didn't look it). He was divorced, and had two sons. The oldest one was 29, and the youngest 22. I calculated in my mind: he was 38 when I was born. He was older than my parents. He could technically be my grandfather. But we'd had a genuinely nice conversation, and he did not give off creepy vibes at all. So I smiled and said yes, That Would Be Nice, and we exchanged numbers. Then he left, and I tried to refocus my racing heart on my reading.

The whole encounter made (and is still making!) me think about what it was about him that I found nice, and what things it implied about me. That I was tired of young oafs and all they entailed? That the idea of a quiet, simple courtship sounded appealing and non threatening, never mind that he could be my grandfather? That I didn't mind hitching my wagon onto someone who would most definitely die years before my time, if it meant some normalcy? Goodness knows. I know I'm thinking too much about things, but I find it curious that I am in such a situation.

Life, is indeed terribly surprising.

As a side note, he texted soon after he left, asking me out for tea. I told him (in truth) that I was woefully busy with work this weekend, and probably would not be able to meet up. Who knows if anything else will happen?

Too Much Sleep

I'm doing it again, I'm sleeping waaaaay too much. Too much to the point that it gets bad because I feel all lethargic and half awake. Problem is when I wake up for the first time, usually around 8am, I think about what I need to do for the day - and it's usually not terribly exciting at all - and so I lie there and zone out. Then I fall back to sleep and wake up again at either 10:30am or 11am and I feel funny all over because I've gone and slept too much, and now I don't feel refreshed at all. Gosh.

---

I'm back at the Helfriches' again, for the second week in a row. There's something comforting about this place as I suppose as even though it's not my home, it is a home I'm familiar with. There are people and cats around, so I don't feel lonely, and there's lots of space for me to stretch out around. This week I even brought over boxes of tea that I ordered online from Stash Tea, enabling me to enjoy a proper morning cuppa (no more tastes-of-paper-tea bag-tea!). I should be content, I should be happy, but I cannot help but feel that something is missing.

Last night I skyped my Mama. About a week ago, my Dad bought her an ipad, probably to cheer her up after her knee replacement operation. Since then she's been trying to get it to work. Yesterday night on my parent's prompting, I called her. What was alarming and unusual however, was that after she asked if I was OK, she started crying. I could hear her voice crack and hear her choke up, and that made me feel more sad than anything on earth. It made me want to shout "SCREW THIS" and hop on a plane back to Singapore, and snuggle up to her again. After all, it isn't like I've figured out exactly what I'm doing here.

Unlike my undergrad where I knew I was meant to be, doing masters is a whole different kettle of fish. I feel less certain about what I'm doing, and more scared about what this means for my future working life. I keep thinking about what I've chosen, and if its close enough to what I want to achieve in life. But then of course I've led to the question of what it IS I want to achieve in life. Ideally it's a career where I can both do policy/academic research, and still teach a few classes, which sounds an awful lot like academia. And I want to work in a terribly specific field too - using past historical conflicts as a basis to teach students/THE WORLD about peace and avoidance of war. Aye aye aye. Am I barking up the wrong tree?

In other news, I have a dehydrated headache now.