As hard as fingernails

Tomorrow is my last day in M/s A-. Today at work I was finding it really hard to concentrate on my work. I surfed the net a little (I found a dog species called Gull Dong), read a little until I gave up and went walking down the airless stairwell again till I felt dizzy around the 20th floor (I started to have problems with depth perception/putting down my foot properly to ensure I wouldn't fall down) and had to exit and take a lift up. After coming out of the lift, I ran into M- who was distributing the most awesome snowskin mooncakes from Raffles Hotel. She gave me a champagne flavoured one, and I followed her around as she was giving them out to everyone. After that I lingered in the room of one of the analysts, showing him the Elisabeth Everada v. Billionaires Management Worldwide (doesn't a name like that reek SCAM?), we got called down by another analyst who said her partner had gotten tipsy on the three drops of champagne in the mooncake. Thus, we went down to laugh at him.

I met Jiahui for lunch. The company was far superior to the food, which was a depressing waste of rice, sauce, egg and meat. It was just as well that my 7th month caused asthma has given some vague reprieve to my overactive stomach. The previous lunches I went with Eryn, the analysts and the other interns respectively. Tomorrow I have lunch with the entire team, legal and analysts included.

Today when I went into to see Mark Y, he was all "why are you leaving/all my friends are leaving" and I felt quite sad. I actually did some thinking a few days ago, even when he was saying goodbye to one of the other interns just 3 weeks ago, that he'd be the person I'd miss the most. He occupied the unique position of giving me work, but yet not actually being my boss. This results in a good combination of un-intimidating interaction. Plus of course personalities and interests factor in, which also worked well. He also looked a bit like Kaijun, which helped since I find myself being more likely to click with a person if they already look like a friend (I'm sure there have been some psychological studies on this sort of thing). In short, I will miss him. I went back to my desk and felt a feel tears about to form.

Later however, just as I was about to leave the office to go meet Swan Yee for dinner, Mark Y called me into the office again. I wondered if he was going to say more stuff about my leaving which would make me sad. I walked in and he asked me to close the door, which set off some alarm bells as it was the first time he had ever made such a request. He dithered a bit, and clearly looked really uncomfortable/upset with what he was going to say, and wondered out loud of he should tell me. Finally after taking in a deep breath, he said that they've decided to let M- go.

Needless to say, it came as a shock.

As I walked out of the office thinking about everything I've learned in the Corporate world from working in such a large firm, I learned that the more I saw, the more terrified and disgusted I feel with everything. Part of me, apart from Mark Y still being in M/s A-, was glad to leave tomorrow. I no longer possess the same strong emotional bonds that I had just hours ago.

Noodle Bag

Yesterday I was watching Life by David Attenborough again and I came across Stoats. Curious I googled more and came across the Wiki article which said "the ermine is also considered a symbol of purity in Europe. In the Renaissance era, legend had it that an ermine would die before allowing its pure white coat to be besmirched. When it was being chased by hunters, it would supposedly turn around and give itself up to the hunters rather than risk soiling itself." Ladies and gentlemen, this is the first animal I can unequivocally call a gay.

The monty python-esque video mildly redeems its manliness.

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I am sick again. I took Zrytec last night and went to sleep and woke up today feeling horrible. I decided not to go to work since I had just finished on working on something big yesterday, that and I'm probably influenced by the attitudes of the new interns at work I'm talking to now. I did feel absolutely dreadful yesterday, and yet still pulled myself into work and into finishing my task(s).

Instead today I slept in, watching an episode of Monk, an episode of Criminal Minds and the last episode of The Pacific with my dad. The theme song from The Pacific is still lingering around my mind. I also had lunch with my Mama.

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Work is infinitely sapping. At work I think "I want to blog about this because I want to remember it" but end up coming home completely tired and with no mood nor mental will/energy to write. If I'm not tired from actual tasks, I'm tired emotionally from it all. The feeling of having nothing to do and yet not being allowed to actually do anything when I am on standby is terrible. That and the drudgery of it all, though I think I am becoming slightly numb to it.

On Tuesday evening I met up with the Alchemist and Daryl, and both men were slightly late. After having done some errands, I just sat exhausted at the hawker centre to wait for them to come. I almost fell asleep sitting down. I was really so tired, nevermind that I had actually been getting the requisite amounts of rest the previous few nights. I was simply so exhausted. Luckily things changed after they both appeared, or they would have had a terribly boring dinner companion.

With regards to work itself, Triple A is getting more Triple A (I might upgrade him to Quadruple A, but then it loses it's battery like catchiness) and last week he managed to shout to loud he overwhelmed Journey on my Ipod. I suspect there's some big project happening because now the frequency of people venturing into his cavern of anger has increased. Last week work was terrible with 4 solid days of editing Lexis Nexis, the more tiring and tedious sort of shite. This week is better with case research, although it gets frustrating when you cannot find something. On Wednesday I went for a talk during lunch and nibbled on soggy sandwiches which nodding off at the back of the lecture hall, because it was a talk given by my department.

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I've also taken to watching Mandarin language movies. I think it's because I've convinced myself that if it's not able to be obtained in London, it's worth experiencing here. I mean that in a sense that Mandarin movies obtained through non-commercial means probably have very bad subtitles which I need. As a result, of all 3 movies that I've seen since coming back, all 3 are Mandarin. They are respectively, Au Revoir Taipei, Ocean Heaven and Aftershock. They were all enjoyable, in their own way. Au Revoir Taipei with Nic was for cheap laughs, Ocean Heaven with my mother, a tool for reflecting upon my brother and Aftershock - with Nic and CNE - for gravitas about the human condition.

Yesterday for the first time I brushed my brother's teeth. Today I shared a bowl of rambutans with him and cleaned up the juicy mess. Some nights I go into his room right before I sleep and cover him with his blanket. For some reason he refuses to cover himself with the blanket before he sleeps, but putting it on after he's fallen asleep is okay even if he wakes up in the middle of the night.

Sometimes I wish I could be like him, because he knows not what he's doing (like me) but at the same time knows not enough to care (unlike me).

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Literally translated, bread in Mandarin means noodle bag. Talk about literally food for thought.

La Boulange

The blood running through my veins is starting to feel prickly again. I feel my heart beating ever the slightest-ly faster-ly, struggling to keep with the rapidfastrate at which my the neurons in my mind are shooting away. The gap created between the speed of my mind and the speed of my lagging body widens and falls upon itself, swallowing itself whole as I struggle to make sense of the multitude of scattered thoughts in my mind - of my anchorlessness and of my listlessness. Attempts to calm down and slow down my mind work only for the slightest fraction of a second before returning to its previous state, as I grasp only the overwhelming state of all things.

Today is not a good day for me, and I don't know if I can manage to fully address the sources of these multiple (admittedly) neuroses which exist only in my mind and in the speed on my low pressured beating heart.

M/s A

I seldom write nowadays because all I do is work, and them come home. Even my meet ups with friends have been painfully sporadic and more sentimental than ground breaking (I mean, there is only so many new things that can possibly happen with people you've known for some years!) - as a result 70% of my life merges into some blurry blob known as my 1.5m x 1.5m cubicle at work, bordered by J, a secretary to a Type A woman, aforementioned Type A partner and another male Type AAA (he is so type A, he makes Type As look like snuggly teddy bears).

Type A woman scares me because she is Type A. She actually doesn't really do anything, and all the Type A-ness is self contained. Type AAA man however, shouts and berates people 50% of the time he is in the office, including his associates and his secretary. One of his associates is bald. I think this is because he has been stressed so much by his boss that all his hair fell out. Type AAA man is also very fond of using the loudspeaker phone and has used it on many occasions to scold his secretary, who sits like 5m away from him office. As a result, I am treated to surround sound scolding. Damn, does he make me quake in my flat (no boots, because Singapore if far too hot).

Working in the this office which is the largest firm I'm yet worked at, is rather eye opening. For example, needing to go through the central system to requisition stationary. Previously, all I had to do with ask the receptionist. Now, I need to go through a system and it is delivered every Wednesday. Every Wednesday! That means sometimes if I badly need a pen, I won't get it till a week later.

Then there is the issue of those damn tappy key cards which record your time. I used to just breeze though without tapping them after trailing people into the office. Now I need to tap them or else the system thinks I'm late. Nevermind that I'm earlier than the people sitting around me, if it's not in the computerised system, it doesn't exist.

I have also discovered I really really dislike being around middle aged women in dead end jobs because they channel their life essence into being Hesse's Child People to the max (hope I remember this properly). They spend their time when not working surfing the internet to buy shit (it's like nothing else exists on the internet except for shopping) and spend the other remaining bit that is spent not working gathering into little magpie huddles and gossiping away, while smelling like ageing human flesh.

Then of course there is the general feel of being totally insignificant. In a firm of easily 500 people, people come and go all the time. No one except the people you immediately come into contact with will be affected by your passing. You can work in the same firm for years, but because it's a large corporation people don't give it shit. It reeks of total and utter dehumanisation, not to mentioned sitting in your little caged pen day in and day out.

While I have met some really wonderful people while working these past 5 weeks, I must say I will not miss the experience very much. I am struck every day by how I feel less and less like a living and breathing human.

I suddenly realise how much I miss MS Paint

...because I can't add "WTF IS THIS?!" to pictures that deserve it. In other news I have also been informed that he also looks like "Malaysia's Superhero" (said by Jon Kong), Cicakman:



And in other news, I watched the National Day Parade with my parents. My Dad was going on about how this would be my last National Day in Singapore, which made me feel kinda :x inside. It also got me thinking again of how a long long time ago (well, maybe 6 years), I wanted to do nursing and join the army as a medic. Now I think about it more though the lens of 'at least it'll give me stability and a clear career path'. I really have no idea what to do with my life, especially what to do with my life that will make me happy,

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A number of Sundays ago on the 25 of July I had a family dinner at my Guo Mah's place in Lorong Ah Soo. The whole family was there. It took my Aunty Janet's death to draw the family closer, resulting in them deciding to have a Laksa party, along with other foods. There I spoke to a lot of my relatives (quite rare) and they seemed to be really proud of me and were genuinely happy to see me. It made me think about how although we were not very close, the bond of simply being family was still there. They asked a lot about London, and I told them it was very cold, but also that Singapore was way too hot for me. They laughed and asked about the food. There, I pigged out on the fried you char kuay.

Last last Saturday the 31st of July, I went out with Daryl, Jia and Paul Chu for steamboat dinner in Crystal Jade, nearby Bugis. We ate like pigs, ordered lots of food and kept getting random food sent to our table instead. It was great fun. I feel hungry now just thinking about it, om nom nom nom. After that, we heaved our filled bellies a few metres away for some nice deserts (watermelon and sago for me). Then, we walked to iluma, which was the first time I walked in, and it was really fail. We then wandered over to Rochor for tau huay chui which was DAMN GOOD, and some you char kway. By the time we finished eating, it was 11:30pm, and we all raced for the last modes of transport home.

Last Monday the 2nd of August, I feel slightly ill and went to the doctor's in the morning. After that I wandered over to my grandparent's to spend some time with them. I ate some biscuits, talked to both grandparents a lot. It was probably one of the few times I've spoken to my grandpa so much, because he is a man of few words. He gave me an unused tea cup (with a strainer for tea leaves). A few months ago when I came back from the UK, I was at their house and felt sleepy because I was still suffering from jet lag. I fell asleep in their room with the air conditioner turned on, and was awakened when he came into the room and covered me with his blanket. That memory still sticks with me, because it was one of the few times it really occurred to me that my yeh yeh loves me. I went out later with my Mama to do some snake-oil foot bath electrolysis shit. The woman asked me if I smoked, because the water turned into the colour meant to indicate smoking. Nothing, could be further from the truth. However, as an aside, I still believe reflexology works because they managed to figure out I have severe stomach problems. After that, we had yong tau foo for lunch. I met NSeow for a Mcdonald's dinner and Au Revoir Taipei - which was really really silly, aha.

On Wednesday, the 4th of August, I had lunch with the new analysts as part of some pseudo welcoming team. Same thing on Thursday.

Friday the 6th of August, there were after work drinks to welcome the new analysts with the entire team and to say goodbye to one of the analysts, Big Boss D included (or the royal family as someone refers to them). There was a drunk guy that awkwardly walked up to us and stared at us (in a suit, at Harry's at the Marina Bay Sail nonetheless, maybe he was a broker that just lost/won a lot of money), and then came around later and said HELLO and we all ignored him. After that I joined the leaving analyst, and the other senior one for drinks at 5 where I met another associate that left M/s A just last week. Like KJ who also left the CE team last week, he was really happy and so glad to have left. It made me think about how loads of people were just dying to be in M/s A, but at the same time loads of people were also dying to get out of them. I rushed backed and watched Lammbock with Christoph via skype.

Weekend, I was in Bintan with my Mummy. It was nice, but in the waters off Mayang Sari, we saw two jellyfish. I suspect my mum might lack certain survival skills because her reaction was to go "oh a jellyfish, maybe it's a weird shadow?" whereas mine was "OH MY FUCKING GOD, RUN!!!". I saw two of them, the first being a MASSIVE ONE the size of my 13" laptop at least, at which my mum said the aforementioned comment, and a later smaller one the size of my palm. On the second day, we met an elderly French couple who said the man got stung the day before, but it was OK now. Still, not very comforting.

And alas, it is work tomorrow.