Last night I met up with some old classmates from .9. When the night was over, I took a cab ride back with Chun Wui. The cab driver was initially chatty, talking about a transvestite prostitute who always trawled the same junction (between Raffles Hotel, Raffles City Shopping Centre, Chijmes and the new Carlton hotel) to good nasi lemak in Changi Village and Boon Lay. When the conversation with the cab driver finally died down, Chun Wui and I started to talk about people we knew in general, and how from the past 2 years since school ended they had changed.
It got me thinking in a way (of course it did, for people are innately egoistic and navel gazing) of myself, especially in the state I now find myself in. Chun Wui commented that I, compared to others, did not seem to have changed very much. I agreed, but at the same time replied that psychologically, I have undergone so much more changes that even I can't quite conceive the extent of it myself. I have changed, in ways that I couldn't help.
I know for a fact that I have become more scared, more fearful of life and everything it entails. I have become less receptive to change, even though I know now with even more certainty that nothing in life is certain. I panic more. I withdraw inwards into myself more often. I have learnt how to hide it in plain sight, which is perhaps not a very good thing. I have become more pessimistic about myself. I question more. I fear being alone more. I fear myself more. I know for certain however, that the only thing holding me back is myself. If I can transcend that, I can do anything. That thought terrifies me with it's potential and abilities, and at the same time makes me more anxious because I really only have myself to blame for wasted dreams.
Life is a journey, not a sprint, and this is something I need to repeatedly remind myself of.
No comments:
Post a Comment