I want to use the words "dodgy tactics" but I think I'll get marked down for that

The clock on my desk says 2:15 am. It is really 1:15 am. I have not been able to reset my cheap Argos LED clock from daylight savings over a month ago. I keep pressing the buttons, but the little metal connectors inside refuse to yield. I am stuck in an artificial timezone every half split of a nanosecond every time I glance at the clock and have to minus off an hour. I feel like when I do this, I have lost part of my reality. I feel slightly disconnected. Which is not too bad of course, if it's really 1:17 am in the morning and you can hear the slightly-stuffed-nose breathing of your roommates as they sleep, bless their souls, but you're up doing your History essay on the Spanish Armada.

It's supposedly -5 degrees Celsius out tonight. Reality now has certainly become very detached from the things that I used to know.

The Ottoman Turks

I just realised one of the assigned readings I have to do this week for HY114 is from a book I used in 2007 to do my History Internal Assessment on the Armenian Genocide. For some reason I find this incredibly odd, like a strange strange coincidence. I also remember not liking this author and thinking he was incredibly biased towards to Ottomans in their role in the genocide. I wonder how this will colour my perception of the reading.

In other news it has rained almost all day, from yesterday afternoon. It comes pitty-pattingly, then explodes in a giant stream of piss, then peters off to a light drizzle over and over again. This perhaps can explain (the constant rainfall that is) why my mood has been very temperamental over the past 24 hours. It's like I know I'm being extremely unreasonable but yet still feel that way. It's a most uncomfortable feeling indeed.

Also: school stress again.

I think I really need to unlearn a lot of things I've learned over the past few years. Like that of trying to be a perfectionist in as many things as possible (but which I fail in and then get terribly stressed and upset) and getting incredibly stressed when things don't go to plan. I think my low blood pressure has now been replaced by high blood pressure now (and not just due to greasy British Saturday Brunches).

More Kitchen Things

Fishcake and Chili Pasta
Tesco Linguine - 10p
Cod Fishcake from Sainsbury - 50p
Llyod Grossman's Chili and Tomato Sauce - 50p (was on offer)

Cost per serving - 1.10
Verdict - pretty yummy, looked a little like Big D's much drooled about Crabmeat Pasta (which I miss like hell), but taste nothing like it. Could do with some spices, which I forgot to add.

Memento Mori

Last night a bunch of us went out for a walk at 12 midnight. We first played this 'game' where every time we reached the junction of the block, someone in the group had to say the direction everyone was going next, like either left, right or straight. We ended up walking down to Russell Square from the dorm, (a left, right, straight) and then cutting through SOAS (right, straight) and then walking about the University of London grounds. We ran about, laughed, jumped. We marveled at the welcoming night air of 11 degrees. We turned towards Tottenham Court Road. We passed by drunk people. We avoided dodgy wet patches.

At Tottenham Court Road, we walked downwards towards New Oxford Road. Outside Goodge Tube there was a hog parked at the side with it's passenger straddling the seat and ready to go off. Karn stopped and talked to the guy, and Kaisheng got to sit on the hog and take a picture. Opposite the Dominion Theatre a wonderful smell of frying onion was wafting about. We ended up buying hot dogs from the illegal vendor (3 pounds each, a little pricy if you think about it). As I collected the hot dog I was sharing with Sheun, I felt large sporadic rain drops pelt my back. I went with the rest to hide, flush against the closed Boots store, to avoid being hit by the rain.

After finishing our hot dogs (and the rain nicely stopped) we continued down Oxford Road. We marvelled at how crowded it was despite there being no stores open and all. We also went in search of ice cream, but all the places along the road was closed. We finally turned right at Great Portland Street and then took another right when we hit New Cavendish Street.We continued walking onward, Sheun and I ahead as the rest straggled.

Near the BT Tower, I remember looking about and seeing a UCL dorm. This is because I remember Jia telling me that her dorm was in the vicinity, so I was especially looking around for it. I also remember seeing a Saatchi & Saatchi building, because I thought it was in a weird location. I walked past it all and stopped outside a lit building where a teleconference was talking place somewhere sunny (America?) and watched the people inside as we waited for the rest to catch up. They were unusually slow. Then Sheun and I continued walking and somehow lost the rest of the group again. When we finally met up again in front of UCL about a block and 10 minutes later, we encountered a rather quite ashen faced group.

Them: "Did you see the dead body?"
Us: "What dead body?"
Them: "It had two feet with shoes on, we couldn't see the rest"
Us: "WHAT?"
Them: "The shoes were still on."
Us: "HAHAHAHAHA WHAT, you're fucking around right?"
Them: "No."
Us: "Oh. Shit. SHIT!" (this was at the point I also noticed a rather whiter-shade-than-pale Su Ean.)

In our distraction, Sheun and I had walked past two policemen, and a body lying on the street - shoe clad feet sticking out under plastic sheet. The rest weren't so lucky, they were walking slowly and had noticed. They didn't stick around to inquire.

And thus the night ended on a solemn note.

The Heart and Mind never agree with each other

I often feel like I am 2 people. 2 people that are very different and do not gel together the least. They are my Heart and Mind. I could on and on about how much they affect the decisions I make, but especially in light of events during the past few week I've been doing quite a lot of reflecting, especially on their effect of my romantic relationships. I've realised that in my case I have 2 types of attractions to people, that of intellectual and emotional.

All my intellectual attractions have been dysfunctional and unhealthy. They are the crazy ohmygodIcannotlivewithouthim sort. The crazy IcrywhenIdon'tgetaphonecallfromhim sort. The totally exhilarating like oxygen on steroids sort of madness. Of course as expected this is completely and utterly unhealthy, not to mention that the guys invariably turn out to have strange issues (like mine are not enough + probably why they were even attracted to me in the first place) rendering the relationship dysfunctional after the initial madrushhappy! period has passed. Then the shit hits the fan. All my relationships have fallen into this category thus far, as have majority of my crushes.

Then there is the rarer emotional attraction. An attraction that stems from the heart, a slow and building of respect and admiration for someone. An attraction where you see the person that is inside and slowly learn to love them for it, a sincere want to see them smile because it warms your heart. I've only experienced this twice before, and I let one slip through my fingers because it was the wrong time. I'm not going to mess this one up.

Another week another dish

Totally Bastardised Chicken Inasal

Datu Puti Vinegar - S$0.10
Tesco's Lime Juice (dodgy, will not buy again) - 10p
Chicken Fillet (150g), diced - 1 pound
Olive Oil - 10p
Rice - Sheun's (which turned into a goopy mess)

Total: 1.30 pounds

It tasted disappointing ): Definitely not one of my better ideas, but I don't know how else to use the Datu Puti.

Also, I'm half wondering whether I'm in the right course. My 2 most enjoyable lectures are not government lectures, and I dread the reading especially for Political Science because it was evidently written by people with impressive minds and limited communication skills. Oh dear.

Jenny Lewis is obviously a reader of St Augustine

"You are what you love, and not what loves you back" - Jenny Lewis versus "If we are to discover the character of any people, we only have to examine what it loves" - St Augustine

-----

The sun now starts to set at 3:30pm. Before I run off for HY114 class, I nip to Wright's Bar for my ritual 60p Hot Chocolate. I walk holding the cup tilted, liquid away from tiny mouth of plastic lid. This is after I've spilled Hot Chocolate on my now lightwhite gettingdry palms one time too many. I dash into Connaught House, conscious of trying to remember which way the door opens. I push. It refuses to yield. I pull and feel the weight of the door in my arm and dash in quickly, stepping on the tapeddown cardboardcovered floor. I dash up the stairs. I feel conscious of the person behind me staring at my thin tightcovered ankles. I run up faster. I see my classmates standing outside the class and smile vaguely at them.

I enter class and sit in the back row, a seat away from the person closest to me. I wonder for a moment if anyone will come and sit next to me. I look around class a few minutes later and realise at least 2 people are missing. I sit alone in class today, a little island of myself surrounded by colourful chairs and folding lecture tables. I decide I don't care and proceed to sip my Hot Chocolate. I wonder if anyone is wondering what I'm drinking. I wonder how I look to the other people in my class. I catch the teacher looking at me, wanting to call me to answer questions.

I never raise my hand, I only talk when I am called upon. Sometimes I think I have something utterly groundshattering to say, but this feeling lasts only for a second. Then I am left with the feeling of being really silly and realising that I have no confidence in myself whatsoever. This bothers me for a moment, then I decide that as long as I know what I'm doing, I need not bother about anyone else. I lie back against the bright red walls and bang my head. I instinctively put my hand up to rub it. The teacher calls me, voice hopeful with a want for me to say something. I say I just banged my head against the wall, sorry. He looks a little disappointed. My classmates laugh politely. I feel amused. I think about tonight, and how I can't wait for 9pm when he comes back.

I wait outside the Old Theatre for my next GV100 lecture to start. It's dark outside. A classmate approaches and I talk to him. Another one approaches and we make some polite conversation before entering the theatre. One disappears into the crowd and I fall back to my usual seat in the back row. The first classmate joins me. Later I see the second classmate looking about for me. I feel an urge to stand up and go join him. I feel his momentarily confusion and want for human company. He settles down alone, where I can see him and feel guilty throughout the rest of the lecture. I study the back of his head, because the lecturer is batty and says about 10 minutes worth of content during the 1 hour lecture. I take out my notebook and draw the back of his head.

After the lecture I walk back. I run into Rufus and Dexter, but they're not heading back. One has French and the other got suckered into a Malaysian Club event. I walk back alone. I put on my scarf because the wind is blowing strongly. Outside Holborn tube, I take a free Evening Standard because the headline catches my eye ("A Liar, Cheat and ****" [the text got cut off here]). I think for a moment then gravitate over to the florists with the florescent lights. I inquire the price of a daisy. I evaluate it to the price of the daisies I saw in the florists at Brunswick last week. I buy the daisy, picking a nice yellow one. I carry it stiffly in front of me as I walk back, like how one might carry an umbrella. I'm afraid of someone crashing into me and destroying it, as Londoners are wont to do. I meet Zhi Wei at Russell Square. I walk back the rest of the way with her.

I reach back to the dorm. My day is beginning soon.

Ryan Air

One day, I'm going to close my eyes and click about on the Ryan Air website and book a flight to the destination my cursor lands on.

I did buy a nice totally useless green dress from H&M though

I spent 72 pounds out shopping today - insane!

I spent the entire day out, tired.

I came back and spent 2 hours not studying.

I went for dinner, spent almost an hour.

I have a 3,000 word GV100 essay due on Friday, and 2 readings to do before classes on Friday.

I have math tutoring tomorrow in Bermondsey, and I couldn't be more excited.

Hello life.

Accounts

It's almost 3am and I'm still up because I'm trying to wrap my mind around the idea of how I spent 55 pounds in just 5 days. I've not spent so much before... except the time I went shopping in Primark, or the day I did major necessities shopping. I cleared out my wallet and looked at my receipts, so now it all makes sense (though I still feel a little shocked):

Phone Top-Up (Monthly) - 15
LSE Hoodie - 20 (weather's getting cold, wearing it now)
Sat Dinner and Groceries - 10
Groceries on Monday + Flowers - 10

So there it is, mystery solved!

Now I need to write a GV100 essay on Aristotle

I woke up at 10am today in pain from cramps. I skipped my EH101 lecture and stayed in because I was in pain and I wanted to do work. I had thick soup for lunch. I took about an hour's nap. I talked to people. I went online and wasted lots of time. I didn't do any work.

I don't know where my day went, but I know it began when he came through my doors after coming back from school. I managed to finish my EH101 essay shortly after and before dinner.

:D

cease and desist

I know you're reading this.

I've told you already I have no more words left to say to you, much less after those poisonous words you sent me in an email 2 days later.

Please, stop harassing me. Leave me alone.

I'm almost finally out of words

In order to make a clean cut of one's past, one must do away with all remaining strands of romanticism. No more 'ifs' and 'maybes', no more lying to yourself that things were really better than they really were. Instead what is needed (rather than just time alone) is an unflinching recognition of events as they were. Over this past week I've been doing a lot of reflection and thinking about the past few months (and years) of my life in Singapore. I remember all the feelings I felt then clearly, but now looking back I wonder about it all again. This is something that would not have happened had I not left Singapore, for it is only through being completely emotionally cut off from things that one can view things objectively.

I think about Singapore less and less now. I think about the people I miss from time to time. But I know these emotional bonds that tie me to the land will soon become less and less as people move on with life and move overseas. Singapore will never be the same again for me, and over time the association of Singapore with Home will fade. Instead Singapore will line up with the words Past, Over, Childhood and Many Bad Decisions. London's will be Unfriendly Rude People, Present, Bloody Cold and Turning Point in Life.

I am done with selfish semi-destructive relationships. I am done with all these intriguing tortured souls who have done nothing but wreck havoc upon my soul and mental faculties, in their quest for something better; guys who project their fantasies upon me and except me to fulfill their imagined roles. I am done with guys who bring out the worst in my behaviour. I am done with unhappy endings and will no longer accept them as my fate. I will now instead receive the love that I know I deserve, the love I know that awaits me outside my door. No one has the right to make me feel terrible, and no one has the right to attempt to change or manipulate me in any manner possible - much less think they have the ability to do so. To this I laugh at bitterly: for I am no ones person but mine.

I have carved a new independent life for myself here in London. A life that shows that it is perfectly fine to start over and be alone. A life that turned out to be very different from one I imagined, but one that is very much mine. I have become reconciled with myself and the past, reconciled with things that are very much out of my control, reconciled with my fight for life, reconciled with my present. I have made new friends, settled in, developed routines, familiar places and have found one I can truly fall in love with. I have found myself, and have (vaguely) found my place in the world. I have stopped acting as anything that I do not feel like. I am myself, and never have been more so. I am happy.

We accept the love we think we deserve, and I think I finally can.