This past month has been an introspective time, heralded in by the death of my aunt. While the actual death itself is sad, I wasn't close enough to Aunty Janet to burst out crying into tears randomly. Instead I thought of what it represented, the death of a parent, the death of a beloved spouse, and that made me sad. I thought about the concept of family, of myself and of my children yet unborn. I thought about the past and the future, I thought about my dad always saying "Baby don't cry" to me when I cry, from when I was a baby till now when I am 20.
Within the frame of this thinking however, is a family member from the other side of my family who came down to Singapore. And dear God if she hasn't seriously strained the entire family and me, to hell. Thinking so much about myself becoming a parent in the future, she makes me think (1) dear God if I have a child like this, I will kill her, then kill myself (2) I don't want to have children if there's even a 0.1% chance they'll end up like her and (3) I will never raise my kids that way.
She makes me realise, how lucky I am to have my parents who have given me the freedom and love to develop naturally - despite what she says about my parents being lousy and not loving me. Because for starters, I would never have thought of, or would even say such a thing. I am not always proud of who I am, but I am proud of my parents because they have made me who I am.
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