Tonight on the tube back, for the first time in many months, I listened to Jason Mraz's Details in the Fabric. As I dashed out of Kong's house to get home my mind flittered between thoughts of the past, resisting the urge to shout down the phone to the person I was talking to, and the feeling knotting up in my stomach that Frangelico could not dissipate. All the nasty memories of the past, circa January 2010, rushed to my memory. I suddenly really wanted to be surrounded by my friends - Hadi came to mind especially - family, Christoph, anyone that I loved deeply because I felt that feeling of being back there and then again so acutely.
Even though it has been more than 10 months, I still feel that the pallor of that very painful relationship hanging about. Thinking about it now, I feel the fear surrounding the memories being as fresh as they were months ago. The fears are many pronged: that a break up like that could happen again, that I would have to spend months clawing my way up to normality again, and especially that I would allow my heart to be so readily and wilfully deceived once more. It makes you lose the trust that you have in yourself, that perhaps you might intrinsically know what's best for you. It makes you see yourself in a different way, because you have seen the depths of your sanity and soul.
I don't think (thankfully) that such things would happen to her tonight, or perhaps forever. But tonight in her pain, she reminds me (rather self absorbedly perhaps) of me.
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