Sudden Passing

My 39 year old cousin, Shuying, passed away suddenly last week. 6 years older than me, I never really hung out with her much because the age gap was significant when we were growing up + the limited times our families got together. It's funny but I definitely interacted with my Uncle, Aunt, and her two brothers more than I did with her. It wasn't until I was pregnant with E that I really spoke to her during CNY 2019, and she told me a little about breastfeeding and I learned that she was still somehow breastfeeding her 2 year old daughter. I remember being amazed at her tenacity. She also passed a bunch of baby items to me afterwards, one of them being a KKH baby bath towel, that ended up travelling to the US. 

We became friends on Facebook, and from afar I just saw her post about her family - her oldest daughter entering Primary school, the birth of her 3rd son, a boy (just 10 months old), and their recent family trip to Japan. I remember thinking that they were crazy for travelling like that, in a quasi-admiring way, because I couldn't think of anything I hated more than the idea of travelling with an infant. Well, I am glad they managed to go on that trip because it turned out to be the last one they would ever go on as a complete family. 

The second day of CNY, a Sunday this year, is always dedicated to my Mum's side of the family. In the past we used to go from house to house, but since the death of Guo Mah, it's been toned down by several notches. Gone was the visitation (and believe me, it was a lot, since my Mum's side has 6 siblings), and instead everyone gathers at the 2nd elder's brothers flat in Lorong Chuan. This year when we arrived, the first people we saw were Shuying and her family eating at a table outside the flat, because it was simply that full inside. Inside, I instantly felt overwhelmed from so many relatives, and since I had hong bao giving duties this year too, I also felt more overwhelmed. Somewhere during this time Shuying appeared, and I confessed my confusion/overwhelming feeling to her, and she brought me to her daughters and at the same time passed hong baos to my girls. We didn't interact after that, and I'm not sure if they were around even for the lion dance and the luo hei, and I later heard that they had tickets to the Zoo for later that day and were going to go with their family (grandparents and brothers + their families). I marveled at how much energy they had.

The first we heard about Shuying was on Tuesday morning, US time. Shuying had been admitted into ICU at SGH, and her organs were failing. When my Mum spoke to Shuying's husband, he said they were praying for a miracle and preparing for the worst. The rest of the day was spent in disbelief and shock, what had happened? We had seen her just a week and a half ago. I was in denial, I had heard of people boucing back from organ failure before. She was young and had no pre-existing conditions. Her oldest was only 8, and her youngest not even 9 months. 

By Tuesday night, the news came that Shuying's organs had failed, and they were turning off life support. It was over. I sobbed while changing M for bed. It hurt to think of my nieces and nephew losing their mother at sing a young age. I couldn't imagine the sheer devastation my Uncle and Aunt, plus her brothers and her husband must be feeling. A void where a once vibrant life had been. That night after I had fallen asleep, my Mum was on video call and got to say goodbye to Shuying before they turned off life support. 

News trickled in after that, and we spoke to my cousin Rebecca and my Aunt Rosalind a few days later. Apparently Shuying felt sick on Thursday, just 4 days after we had last seen her. After high fever and vomitting, she went to the ER on Monday and suffered a heart attack there. They rushed her to the Heart Centre at SGH, and admitted her to the ICU, and shortly after her organs started failing and she never regained consciousness. I still don't know what to think except to feel an immense sense of sad numbness, and a desire to not think about it, because after all, what does thinking do anymore?

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Coincidentally, I had been thinking about grief and mourning a few days before, but it was the kind of saying goodbye to lives long lived - to Artie, to Suze, and quite possibly soon for my grandfather. I was in the middle of writing out my thoughts but had to stop with them half completed because I had to deal with other pressing things. And so now I don't think that post will be completed because I can't and don't want to ruminate on death any further. There is nothing to be done, and it just is. 

Travel Anxiety

I'm not sure exactly when I first started to feel travel anxiety. It was probably when I first started living overseas in 2009, when I went to the UK to study. Even though I know I have it, and its an issue, I somehow either manage to gloss over it or forget about it, and leave my anxiety medication behind. I really wish I had them, because since last night (~72h before travel), I have felt those all too familiar feelings of generalised anxiety, to the extent that I am having trouble going to sleep and focusing. At least because I was busy today, I had some respite while I was out. I managed to bring E to ride on the bus and MRT, do some last minute shopping in Clementi, meet Steph at Jurong East, and then hang out with JH, Ianthe, and Vincent, at their place nearby. So all in all it was a great day, except for the looming spectre of impending international travel.

One of the things that causes me quite a bit of anxiety is the prospect of an early wake up time, which is also the case for the flight. The flight leaves Changi at 6:40am, which means a wake up time of roughly 3am. The only saving grace is that the overall flight time is shorter as we are flying through Japan, and we are flying ANA. And I am of course thankful for the fact that my Mum is coming along with me, because handling kids is no joke. Today when I had to somewhat coordinate meeting up with Steph and all, plus navigate, plus handle E in a crowded area, I was already starting to feel somewhat frayed. When E and I met up with Steph, I started to feel more at ease because at least there was a trusted adult around, even if only to follow mindlessly as she navigated (she did more than just that though). 

Going back to the US, also means going back to the reality of my life there. While of course I love my husband deeply, and care a lot for his family, the US (particularly at this moment) feels nothing like home. It also means the reality of a house in the middle-of-renovations, loans, mortgages, worrying over money, worrying over errands, and worrying over house cleaning and assorted chores. In contrast everytime I am back in Singapore I become more useless than usual, where I really don't need to think about much at all. Plus, I usually always know what to expect - little things like the bus numbers and routes always being the same, the same haunts my family likes to go to (Clementi and Jurong East), the family and friends I love. Things are predictable and safe, a balm for my frenzied emotions.

Still, this is the life that Someone Up There has decided to grant to me, and overally it really isn't that bad of a life at all. I am blessed with a wonderful spouse, his family, and a great living environment and circumstances. I also have very supportive family and friends. I shall do my best to endure (not quite at the level of taking it on the chin), as I always do.

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As an aside, I don't think I have eaten so much over the CNY period before. 

On CNY eve, I had lunch with Steph in Holland V and I had this really great but extremely filling risotto at La Nonna. Then dinner was steamboat at Mama's with the whole family + Deni. On the first day of CNY I ended up really full from brunch too (how? I didn't think I ate that much pen cai). Dinner was even worse, because Mama was arriving later, I ended up for the first time being able to decide the menu for dinner at Owen, and boy did I abuse my priviledge to order the most random items. Matthew and I were positively sick after that meal. 

For the second day of CNY, Mama cooked up a whole lot of different foods like siew yok, steamed fish, and steamed chicken (one plain and one with chili + soy sauce), and I ate alot then too. Then at my Uncle's place in Hougang, I had yu sheng and a piece of sushi (there was a lion dance there for the first time too - that was amazing). For dinner, Merlina made beef rendang, which made me really happy because that was the first time I've had it for this trip back, and I ate too much even though I was still full. I ended up going for a short walk to drop stuff off at Ianthe's parent's place because I was so stuffed, but I still felt full after the 45 min walk. So much for all the exercise I was trying to do - I definitely gained weight from those 3 days alone.

Reappearing Gem Biscuits

Sometime last week I was downstairs in the living room with E (I think I was getting her to do some work) when M toddled by holding an almost empty bag of those old school gem biscuits. When I looked up about 30 seconds later M had vanished out of sight, and I knew she had gone upstairs to look for a grandparent. This of course is not a problem, but I looked around briefly and didn't see the bag of biscuits anywhere, so I went upstairs to get the bag of biscuits from her. 

When I got upstairs she was with my Mum in her room. What was strange was that my Mum said she never saw M carrying a bag of gem biscuits...? I then looked around all of the 3 upstairs rooms, and didn't see any bag of biscuits. Was I mistaken? Anyway I forgot about it and went downstairs again to continue whatever it was I was doing.

Today however, when my Dad went down for dinner (carrying M, who had been hanging out with him in my room), my Dad was pissed and going on and on about how he had told me to never bring food upstairs, and that M had made a mess all over my bed. I was perplexed because I don't have food in my room, at least not food that M could reach and/or be easily opened and accessible (I don't think she wants to open pre-made sauce packs of Prima taste Hainanese Chicken Rice, and she can't open the tub of love letters I bought because of the tape around it). As usual my protests that I hadn't brought and left food upstairs went ignored, and my Dad kept ranting at me. Great. 

Well, now that I've eaten dinner and gone upstairs to clean my bed, I can safely say I know where those bloody gem biscuits have ended up. What horrifies me however, is the thought that M had somehow stashed them away in some place that was unknowable to all the adults, and given that it is Singapore, the amount of pests it could have potentially attracted. And I still have no idea where her hiding spot is! Goodness.

On a separate note, M is sick again. This time with some sort of gastro-intestinal bug that has been making her throw up and have diarrhoea. She had about a total of 7 days well before she came down with her current bout. Poor child. This illness however, also meant that she escaped my ire after messing up my bed. In that sense, she lucked out.

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Nonsense phrases I say to my kids:

1) Crunchy gabunchy
2) Stinky gabinky
3) Oogedy boogedy

2023

I realised that I didn't really write down much during 2023 itself, probably because I spent most of it either feeling overwhelmed or in denial, in what was one of the most stressful years I've ever experienced. Any time of introspection was right at night before trying to falling asleep, which then of course resulted in a delay in falling asleep, and so it goes. Last year was also an interesting year in that both sets of grandparents were very present and heavily involved, and without their support and help, I don't know how Jon and I could have made it through.

For the first few months of the year, Jon's parents were around. They came before Christmas 2022, and stayed all the way into Feb. We celebrated M's first birthday together. That birthday was memorable in the the grandparents wanted to spoil M, and so I ended up having to drive a car with a trunk/backseat full of balloons, and couldn't look out the rear view mirror at all for the entire trip from the Party City in Olivette back home. Shortly after they left was when Jon and I receieved the news from SGH/NNI, and started looking towards other opportunities in the Northeast, to be closer to them.

In March we saw my in-laws again when we went on a weeklong trip to Miami to visit Jon's brother. We stayed in an airbnb together with them in Coral Gables, and that was nice. Somewhere during this time Jon was juggling a few options/offers, and we ended up choosing NJ together (other options: Long Island, White Plains, Boston). Then at the end of April, Jon had a conference in Boston, and so we all flew to New York together. While Jon went off to Boston, I stayed in Long Island with the girls at my in-law's place for a week.

Late May, my mum arrived in St Louis. She celebrated E's birthday with us, and was with us as we tried to get the house declutted, semi-packed, and presentable for sale in August. Together with our agent Sharla and her crack team of assistants, it was still an uphill ordeal and my God soso stressful. Then we all flew to NJ together to scout for houses for our upcoming cross-country move. With the help of Maura, an acquaintance from my Spanish lesson days at Teacher's College, we manage to find a few suitable places in Bergen County and successfully put a bid in for a fixer upper. 

In early Sept my Mum flew off to meet my Dad in Portugal, and in late Sept my Dad arrived, after making a stop-over to see my Aunt in D.C. I spent Oct packing slowly and inefficently, and trying to enjoy the last month in St Louis, making time for friends. Halloween was Jon's last day of work (and my goodness that day was exceptionally bone-chillingly cold in STL). Finally 5 Nov we had cleared the house, and the PODs were picked up, and we set off on a road trip towards NJ.  Our itenerary was STL-Indianapolis-Akron (Cleveland)-Mt Joy (Lancaster)-NJ, and we spent 7 days on the road.

We arrived in NJ to find the house in an utter mess, and uninhabitable. A combination of delays and miscommunication meant the renovation on the house was still at a very early stage. We ended up having to change plans and spent some days at Jon's parents in LI, then heading back to NJ optimistically for 2 nights at a hotel, and finally heading back to LI for Thanksgiving. Jon and my Dad then went to NJ to try and fix up the house, and so my Dad ended up spending his 60th birthday with Jon alone, and then had to fly off for Singapore without being able to say goodbye in person. I was in quite a stressed out funk then, so thank goodness at least for the safe space of my in-law's place.

Finally, 4 Dec, I moved with the girls back into the house. We went grocery shopping, we came home to find the new fridge has died. Besides that the house was still a mess (dust + dirt + where-the-hell-is-everything-and-anything?), the girls were finding dangerous things lying around like hardware, and the bedsheets were missing. That night, I almost had a meltdown from all the stress and worry. How were we going to live in a place like this with two young girls? I think I didn't cry because I was too tired. Day by day however, things got better, starting with Ramiro and Collette, our contractors bring a new fridge to the house the next morning in the pouring rain. 

We stayed in that house for a grand total of a WEEK before flying to Singapore (needless to say I am still very unsettled and don't think of it as home). At least we managed to familiarize ourselves a little with the area. The flight to SG via SFO was also stressful because our flight leaving Newark was delayed by 1 hour+, and we had to run off the plane for our connecting flight. Then we discovered on the long-ass SFO leg that M has meltdowns and throws tantrums when she is bored, which of course she is because it's a long-ass flight. God, thinking of the flight back now is filling me with dread...

Anyway that brings us to my stint now in SG, after being away for about a year and a half. This time staying in Mama's place felt less foreign, maybe because now I'm used to staying there when Jon is around, so that helped with adapting back slowly. My Mum also bought black out curtains this time, which is really one of the best improvements ever because the bedroom in Mama's house has basically floor-to-ceiling windows, and so the heat and the light blast you right in the face as you try to rest. 

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In summary, 2023 was not a fun year at all. Even thinking about it now makes me fell tense all over again. I am also not looking forward to going back to NJ, and trying to start a new life there, because the unknown and I have never been good friends.