My 39 year old cousin, Shuying, passed away suddenly last week. 6 years older than me, I never really hung out with her much because the age gap was significant when we were growing up + the limited times our families got together. It's funny but I definitely interacted with my Uncle, Aunt, and her two brothers more than I did with her. It wasn't until I was pregnant with E that I really spoke to her during CNY 2019, and she told me a little about breastfeeding and I learned that she was still somehow breastfeeding her 2 year old daughter. I remember being amazed at her tenacity. She also passed a bunch of baby items to me afterwards, one of them being a KKH baby bath towel, that ended up travelling to the US.
We became friends on Facebook, and from afar I just saw her post about her family - her oldest daughter entering Primary school, the birth of her 3rd son, a boy (just 10 months old), and their recent family trip to Japan. I remember thinking that they were crazy for travelling like that, in a quasi-admiring way, because I couldn't think of anything I hated more than the idea of travelling with an infant. Well, I am glad they managed to go on that trip because it turned out to be the last one they would ever go on as a complete family.
The second day of CNY, a Sunday this year, is always dedicated to my Mum's side of the family. In the past we used to go from house to house, but since the death of Guo Mah, it's been toned down by several notches. Gone was the visitation (and believe me, it was a lot, since my Mum's side has 6 siblings), and instead everyone gathers at the 2nd elder's brothers flat in Lorong Chuan. This year when we arrived, the first people we saw were Shuying and her family eating at a table outside the flat, because it was simply that full inside. Inside, I instantly felt overwhelmed from so many relatives, and since I had hong bao giving duties this year too, I also felt more overwhelmed. Somewhere during this time Shuying appeared, and I confessed my confusion/overwhelming feeling to her, and she brought me to her daughters and at the same time passed hong baos to my girls. We didn't interact after that, and I'm not sure if they were around even for the lion dance and the luo hei, and I later heard that they had tickets to the Zoo for later that day and were going to go with their family (grandparents and brothers + their families). I marveled at how much energy they had.
The first we heard about Shuying was on Tuesday morning, US time. Shuying had been admitted into ICU at SGH, and her organs were failing. When my Mum spoke to Shuying's husband, he said they were praying for a miracle and preparing for the worst. The rest of the day was spent in disbelief and shock, what had happened? We had seen her just a week and a half ago. I was in denial, I had heard of people boucing back from organ failure before. She was young and had no pre-existing conditions. Her oldest was only 8, and her youngest not even 9 months.
By Tuesday night, the news came that Shuying's organs had failed, and they were turning off life support. It was over. I sobbed while changing M for bed. It hurt to think of my nieces and nephew losing their mother at sing a young age. I couldn't imagine the sheer devastation my Uncle and Aunt, plus her brothers and her husband must be feeling. A void where a once vibrant life had been. That night after I had fallen asleep, my Mum was on video call and got to say goodbye to Shuying before they turned off life support.
News trickled in after that, and we spoke to my cousin Rebecca and my Aunt Rosalind a few days later. Apparently Shuying felt sick on Thursday, just 4 days after we had last seen her. After high fever and vomitting, she went to the ER on Monday and suffered a heart attack there. They rushed her to the Heart Centre at SGH, and admitted her to the ICU, and shortly after her organs started failing and she never regained consciousness. I still don't know what to think except to feel an immense sense of sad numbness, and a desire to not think about it, because after all, what does thinking do anymore?
-----
Coincidentally, I had been thinking about grief and mourning a few days before, but it was the kind of saying goodbye to lives long lived - to Artie, to Suze, and quite possibly soon for my grandfather. I was in the middle of writing out my thoughts but had to stop with them half completed because I had to deal with other pressing things. And so now I don't think that post will be completed because I can't and don't want to ruminate on death any further. There is nothing to be done, and it just is.
No comments:
Post a Comment