Travel Anxiety

I'm not sure exactly when I first started to feel travel anxiety. It was probably when I first started living overseas in 2009, when I went to the UK to study. Even though I know I have it, and its an issue, I somehow either manage to gloss over it or forget about it, and leave my anxiety medication behind. I really wish I had them, because since last night (~72h before travel), I have felt those all too familiar feelings of generalised anxiety, to the extent that I am having trouble going to sleep and focusing. At least because I was busy today, I had some respite while I was out. I managed to bring E to ride on the bus and MRT, do some last minute shopping in Clementi, meet Steph at Jurong East, and then hang out with JH, Ianthe, and Vincent, at their place nearby. So all in all it was a great day, except for the looming spectre of impending international travel.

One of the things that causes me quite a bit of anxiety is the prospect of an early wake up time, which is also the case for the flight. The flight leaves Changi at 6:40am, which means a wake up time of roughly 3am. The only saving grace is that the overall flight time is shorter as we are flying through Japan, and we are flying ANA. And I am of course thankful for the fact that my Mum is coming along with me, because handling kids is no joke. Today when I had to somewhat coordinate meeting up with Steph and all, plus navigate, plus handle E in a crowded area, I was already starting to feel somewhat frayed. When E and I met up with Steph, I started to feel more at ease because at least there was a trusted adult around, even if only to follow mindlessly as she navigated (she did more than just that though). 

Going back to the US, also means going back to the reality of my life there. While of course I love my husband deeply, and care a lot for his family, the US (particularly at this moment) feels nothing like home. It also means the reality of a house in the middle-of-renovations, loans, mortgages, worrying over money, worrying over errands, and worrying over house cleaning and assorted chores. In contrast everytime I am back in Singapore I become more useless than usual, where I really don't need to think about much at all. Plus, I usually always know what to expect - little things like the bus numbers and routes always being the same, the same haunts my family likes to go to (Clementi and Jurong East), the family and friends I love. Things are predictable and safe, a balm for my frenzied emotions.

Still, this is the life that Someone Up There has decided to grant to me, and overally it really isn't that bad of a life at all. I am blessed with a wonderful spouse, his family, and a great living environment and circumstances. I also have very supportive family and friends. I shall do my best to endure (not quite at the level of taking it on the chin), as I always do.

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As an aside, I don't think I have eaten so much over the CNY period before. 

On CNY eve, I had lunch with Steph in Holland V and I had this really great but extremely filling risotto at La Nonna. Then dinner was steamboat at Mama's with the whole family + Deni. On the first day of CNY I ended up really full from brunch too (how? I didn't think I ate that much pen cai). Dinner was even worse, because Mama was arriving later, I ended up for the first time being able to decide the menu for dinner at Owen, and boy did I abuse my priviledge to order the most random items. Matthew and I were positively sick after that meal. 

For the second day of CNY, Mama cooked up a whole lot of different foods like siew yok, steamed fish, and steamed chicken (one plain and one with chili + soy sauce), and I ate alot then too. Then at my Uncle's place in Hougang, I had yu sheng and a piece of sushi (there was a lion dance there for the first time too - that was amazing). For dinner, Merlina made beef rendang, which made me really happy because that was the first time I've had it for this trip back, and I ate too much even though I was still full. I ended up going for a short walk to drop stuff off at Ianthe's parent's place because I was so stuffed, but I still felt full after the 45 min walk. So much for all the exercise I was trying to do - I definitely gained weight from those 3 days alone.