And I realised all the things that brought me further and further brought my heart closer and closer.

Oh BBC weather

I checked the weather forecast before I dressed this morning and it was 10 degrees, so I dressed lightly - hooray.

I went out and almost got blown off my feet by the wind instead. The windchill was absolutely insane. My ears hurt from walking home

Oh God, British weather.

And I feel sick too, fo' realz.

Two eggs

I put two eggs into a saucepan to boil because I wanted hard boiled eggs. After I took them out and started to peel them, I realised that one was half way between soft boiled and hard boiled, whereas the other was hard boiled throughly.

The city is at war

Argh I'm so dissatisfied with life again.

I don't understand how everything when so wrong for us.

I need to move on

So there I was last night, having fun and dancing with friends when I just happen to look across the dancefloor (somehow the waves of people had parted for just a split second) and I see him there with that God-I'm-so-uncomfortable look on his face. The same face I remember from the first week of crush where we left LSE taking care of two tipsy people, the same face I remember from the night of the Malaysian Boat Party (how the hell did I just sum up my entire partying career in a mere paragraph? I am evidently a loser) - and my heart stopped for a moment. He was wearing the same outfit as the night we got together. And his face? That was the expression I fell in love with, for some absurd reason.

Last night I did the same things I did with him those nights, I dragged friends who looked uncomfortable out to dance with - hoping they'd be able to share in the fun too. And every time I did it, I thought of the times I did it for him all because I wanted him to have fun and I wanted to see him smile. And they did, even if just for a moment, they laughed, they smiled for me. And it crossed my mind for a moment to do for to him again, despite all the anger that has been racing through my blood the past few days and in the one spare moment I just wanted to see him enjoy himself and see him smile his weird smile again.

I am not by nature an angry person. The problem with me being angry for a sustained period of time especially is that it messes with me like crazy. Whenever I fight with a friend, every time I see that person I get upset again - feeling anger and hurt in equal overwhelming parts. If you remove that person from my sight it gets pseudo better, I can shelve my anger for another period where in the interim it festers like crazy - but if I see the person all the time or am constantly reminded me of them, things become unbearable. And that is how I feel now. Why am I hurt and angry? Because I poured so much love and effort into a relationship, because I feel worthless now in your eyes, because I feel like I'm not good enough for you and you dumped me, because you did it so suddenly and inconsiderately, but mostly it was because you made up your mind to leave and spent more than a month before you could tell me - time that could have been spent together trying to work on things.

The day before he left me I emailed a frantic email to a certain Hadi. In it I outlined everything, the situation and how badly I was feeling. And what he said broke my heart, "Mel it's not so much that he doesn't want to spend time with you, it's that he doesn't want to spend any time with you" (well along those lines anyway). So there it is outlined, I had become a burden dragging him down. The knowledge that you're a burden hurts. It says you're not worth the effort. It says I'm too good for you. It says, no screams, you are worthless in my eyes.

That is certainly how I feel now, worthless. Crap appearance, crap attitude, crap personality, crap behaviour. I have never felt so judged as a person before in my life, not by any teacher, parent nor 'friend'. I cannot even accuse my ex-es or the people I regularly dislike of this. He was one of the people that knew me closely and rejected me as a result. That feeling, is palpable hurt that cannot be remedied by anyone else.

I need to resume finding myself again, after stopping because of school work.

Ben Dover

Things I hate:
1) Being angry

Things I hate even more:
1) People seeing me when I'm angry

-----

I don't know why I'm so angry and frustrated today. In colloquial language I'm feeling damn SIAN. It started off well enough, lecture, class, etc. Lunch was with Dexter, Rufus, Khey Jo and Michelle at the Kebab place on Kingsway. The real frustration started to sink in during the 1pm to 3pm period where I was left to my devices. I ordinarily did work during this time, but today I was literally too sian to do work. So I read a bit for my presentation on Ireland then wandered off to the NAB.

I reached the NAB at about 2pm, just in time to see the mess of changing classes. It was quite nice actually, sitting there and watching people stream about. I saw a few familiar faces about. I then started reading Surely You're Joking Mr Feynman. I felt calmer and less annoyed. After a while Daryl, my History classmate appeared and we talked for a while before heading to class upstairs.

After class however my sian meter is filled to the brim. I AM DAMN SIAN. I see Zhi Wei and end up complaining to her. I walk back, and bump into Michele, my roommate, just outside Passfield. I come back and am still trying to get hold of Stephanie Yuen, who I usually go gym with on Mondays. I call her multiple times and cannot get hold of her. My meter is rising. I go out to use the bathroom, and they're BOTH occupied. I try and call again. I go and and the bathroom next to my room is STILL being used. I go the the other bathroom and some idiot didn't flush and it looks damn gross. ARGHBRU C@Y%*(C$Y *(@#$

Then I finally get through to Stephanie. She just finished the gym and is heading back. I REALLY REALLY lose my temper this time. Admittedly it was my fault for not replying her earlier, but I assumed she remembered I always finished class at 4 and could only go to gym at 4:30 earliest - but after a day of pent up frustration all I need is one more smidgen of irritation to really shove me over into ANGRY from simply FRUSTRATED.

On my way out, I kick open of the firedoors. Then I start thinking about whether there are CCTVs around. I decide I don't care, but at the same time refrain from kicking open the other doors on my way out. I shove off to the gym and meet Stephanie at the entrance of Passfield. I try to shove past before I show how angry I am. I walk to the gym.

At the gym there is a long line of people ahead of me. Inside the gym I can see people queuing up for machines. THAT'S GREAT. The counter girl asks me to wait for a while because I think I need to renew my membership. In the meantime while I'm slouched and leaning on the counter, and generally looking and feeling pretty bad I hear someone almost singing out my name and I jolt up in surprise.

Did I mentioned I've never run into anyone I know from LSE outside of LSE before? Well that now has changed because I ran into one of my History classmates. At the gym. In a bad mood. Of all freaking bad times to have to run into anyone, especially someone from a group where I am desperately trying to make friends with (GOD I sound like such a loser) and thus appear normal and happy/adjusted. And I turn around in surprise and there he is smiling and I have this absolutely stunned look on my face because well I AM STUNNED. That and I didn't even know he knew my name.

Blah I am still sian, 250-something calories less later. I hope it goes away, I have a presentation and an essay due in on Friday this week.

Tonight is the night to let it go

So baby don't worry, you are my only,
You won't be lonely even if the sky is falling down.

-----

I still remember the night when I was at Cheam's place and I saw the video for this song (we laughed at how Jay Sean looked like a bigger Mel Chandi). I laughed especially at Jay Sean's dancing in the video because it reminded me of how you danced - and how you hated dancing and always looked awkward doing it. I guess you must have copied it somewhere. That was you in my eyes, awkward and sort of loser-ish - and for some reason I loved you so much for it. I fell in love with you exactly for who I saw in you, another person trying struggling to cope with the world and the place that we had been put in. However for as much as I let you in, you kept me out. No matter how much love I gave I could never penetrate the walls that you put up, walls of frustration, unfulfilled ambition and fear.

I have learnt a very painful lesson from all of this. That no matter how much love and trust you put into a relationship, it will never be enough if the other person cannot put forth and open themselves as much as you have. That the romantic notion of love changing everything doesn't quite exist in actuality, because I gave all the love I could possible muster, all the patience, all the energy and effort, but yet I still could not save the relationship on my own.

You kept me out yourself, and you blocked me out even though I tried my best to reach through to you. I loved you so much but you could not bring yourself to do the same. And it hurts trying to come to terms with this, for someone as optimistic as I am that for everything I put in, you put in but a marginal percentage, and that all the love in the world could not have resulted in a happy ending for me.

I no longer wake up with you on my mind, nor are you the last thing on my mind when I sleep at night. Yet as inexplicably as the rest that have left me, your name has been etched on the muscle of my beating heart - scars that will heal but never go away. I might be but a footnote in your life, but you have occupied a whole chapter in mine.

Instead tonight before I sleep I will think of a boy with blonde hair and blue eyes, sometimes hidden behind metallic glasses and sometimes not. And I will wonder if he'll be turning up for lecture and classes tomorrow, and hold on to the hope that he will, for the sight of him brings joy to my heart - a joy that it has been deprived of since the day I flew off to go home for Winter.

The Story

It seems like My Blueberry Nights is my go-to movie at the end of a heartbreak.

Now if only I had a Jeremy around too.

The breakup 24 pound Teddy Bear I bought for myself from Hamley's is called Bundaberg

I just woke up from a dream where I dreamt of the friends that I missed back in Singapore. It was like in two parts, first was a random Hadi and Cheam with some others I don't remember going on some sort of journey and I was with them. The other part was with Yihang, Steph, Arjun, Daryl and Kaijun, the usual Ink people (with me repeatedly asking where was Jia in the dream) settling down for dinner and drinks to celebrate my 20th Birthday.

I remember being really happy in the dream, being able to see everyone again. But somehow I'm still happy now having woken up because it felt so real - that it really was just nice to see everyone again even if just in a dream.

I think if I stayed in bed longer I would have dreamed of more people.

Perhaps it was the gathering, a meetup for Gareth and Cheang Jin, that I went too last night that triggered it off.

She

When I was Secondary 4, I fell hard for an angel. As it unfolded, I wrote at the same time, documenting the happiness she made me feel and at the same time the torn feeling I felt liking her. I called it “Of Floortiles and Her” because everytime she passed me, I was so overwhelmed I couldn’t look at her at all and would start at the grey-pink tiles that lined the floor of my old school.

My memory fails me when it comes to quite pinpointing when it first started, or what triggered it off per se. The main factor was that somehow even though we were in different classes, I saw her almost everyday (or perhaps it was everyday). We had the same social studies and history class, plus I had literature with her.

There was just something about her. The way she smiled, a little shy sort of smile, like she was unsure of something, just melted my heart – and her small eyes crinkling into oblivion did nothing to aid the calming of my heart either. I wouldn’t describe what I felt for her as love in the conventional sense either. It was certainly a crush, but it seemed somehow very motherly in nature. I had absolutely neither sexual nor possessive romantic notions of her, the way one might feel in a conventional crush. Instead what I felt was an urge to protect her from the terrors of the world outside, to hold her and to take care of her and protect the good heart I saw within her from becoming hardened.

I suppose a large part of it was due to the fact that she possessed many of the things I did not and hence respected. She was a well-liked figure in school, intelligent and a top scorer, a relatively high ranking prefect and one of the top athletes in school. I was scraping the barrel academically, thin as a reed and feeling isolated from my classmates. The disparity could not have been greater. I suppose everything just clicked nicely during that time and I started to notice my heart beating faster everytime she approached and the surge of happiness I felt when I saw her.

I used to run into her in the bathroom a lot for some inexplicable reason. I think she used it a lot because she drank a lot of water whereas I just liked going for a walk in the middle of class. I did the same thing in ACSI, so I can’t be called some random bathroom stalker. I’d walk in, see her, and she’d smile at me then leave. And then I’d be floating from a massive pseudo-sugar high for the next few hours.

It created a massive conflict in me because of my religion. I was and still am a Christian, and though I personally believe that homosexuality is one of the lesser sins, it is still a sin nonetheless. To others, I didn’t mind, I even respected them for having the daring to do so – but years and years of drilling had affected my consciousness and I felt guilty nonetheless. She brought such joy to my heart, yet it made me feel so guilty inside. The effect on my psyche was overwhelming and I felt so terrible inside everyday.

The last time I saw her was in July 2007 when we call convened back in school for our graduation ceremony. I was just about to leave, sweating about in my nude stockings and blouse in 30 degree humid weather (oh I can’t remember feeling that way anymore after being back in England for more than a month), I saw her leave. As she walked off, she turned around and smiled that beautiful smile at me for one last time before heading off for the rest of her life. I smiled in return.

Oh London

It has rained non stop today. I woke up today it was raining, I left class to take photos of people in Covent garden - it was raining. I walked to LSE, bought a cheeseburger from Wright's Bar and went for EH101, it was raining. I came out and walked to the library to photocopy things and it was raining still. The final straw was when I came out to go back to Passfield AND IT WAS STILL RAINING AFRC(J*UX$)UB$)C%.

So I took a bus back. Best 1.20 pounds spent this week - I was extremely satisfied.

Valentine's Day 2010

Violent Violin

There is a bruise forming on the thin skin between my breasts. It resides in the hollow where they both end. When I touch it, it hurts. I can feel something solid behind it, something I can only assume is my rib cage. Meanwhile, the thin skin and flesh that covers and protects my vital organs is bruised. Touch sensors saying hard and painful, alongside soft and cold fingers shoot to the neurons in my brain when I touch it. I press it to make sure its still there and hasn't fled from me overnight like you.

On Tuesday during Ceramics class, I burnished a vase that I had made. I had to prop it up on my chest in order to grip it to burnish. My pocket vibrated, and I got a text. The text was from you, of all goddamned people, telling me of some random event. I felt my blood race, and dilute venules in my cheeks. I felt my muscles tense in my shoulders, getting ready to fight my way out of a threatening situation. But no, it was just a text. And I was just a girl burnishing a vase.

I held on to the vase tighter and burnished faster and faster and faster. My chest started to ache in pain as the tissue started to bleed from the pressure exerted on it. I burnished faster, willing either myself or the vase to break first. But nothing broke, except for me on the inside. Even my flesh and skin has betrayed me by refusing to break alongside me.

I am alone in trying to repair myself for this world.

My Tomato Days

Today as I was walking back from EH101, I found a tomato mysteriously lying in the gutter along the side of Bloomsbury Park. My first instinct as with all interesting and unusually placed objects is to pick it up. As I leaned down to pick it up, I started thinking about throwing it against a tree to watch it explode. Then it occurred to me that there were too many people around and that I might get into trouble. It was just as well because upon touching the tomato I realised it was too firm and probably would just bruise itself. Poor tomato. I wonder how it ended up lying in the gutter. Probably fell out of someone's shopping.

Anyway I held on to the tomato as I walked back, occasionally stopping to toss it about. I got funny stares from people, but I just kept walking. When I reached back to my dorm, I knew what I was going to do with the tomato. I addressed it to the resident womaniser (or manslut) of the dorm who happened to share the same surname as me (and thus I had access to his mailbox) and left a nice little note. Ohohoho.

The sun is out again today, and I kept bumping into people I know in school. That helped cheer me up (: But, today is yet another long day. Who knows what else may happen?

Set Yourself on Fire

Today I went to Waitrose. There I spotted the 6 pack house brand Salt and Vinegar crisps that I used to love eating in Singapore. You could only get them in Cold Storage Jelita in Singapore.

I remember when I first started dating Patrick, I used to talk about how much I loved them. I think it was the week of his birthday when I bought some apple chips for him because he mentioned once how he went to a friend's house, ate them and loved them.

On one of the first few times we went out, I bumped into him outside NTUC just as I was getting ready to meet him for out date. He sheepishly told me that he was looking for Waitrose Salt and Vinegar crisps, but could only find Lays in NTUC, and then he handed me the plastic bag. This was some 3 years ago, yet the memory of it still makes me smile.

Accepting Death

I came to London not knowing the proper way in which to prepare rice for cooking.

I remember one Saturday night I wanted to steam mince pork with rice and you taught me how to do it. You fill the pot up with water, knead lightly. Feel the rice grains running over your hands, feel the pain shooting up as warm hands plunge into ice cold water. Feel the sensation of rice grains and numbness simultaneously. Hear you talk about how your mother hated to do it, and you always did it for her. How it was something you didn't mind. Feel the smile across my face as I watched you washing the rice intently. Hear you complain about how it appeared the water never washed the rice clean and it was "gross".

I never washed rice again after that. You always did it for me. You cooked me porridge the one day I was sick. I ate it instead of dinner and gave my fish and chips to Michelle who was hungry that day. It had sweet potatoes, carrots and chicken on it. When it was hot it tasted yummy, but for some reason when you heated it up later that day I felt like vomiting. I'm not sure if its the same night where you asked why, and I replied "maybe I'm pregnant" and then you looked like your soul flew out of the window as I tried to shake you and say I'm Kidding! Hello how could I be pregnant if we haven't had sex? Are you in primary school where pregnancy comes from holding hands? and you were stunned the rest of the night anyway.

The week after we broke up, I washed the rice for dinner. Rufus started scolding me, asking me why I was washing it so much, It needs some starch left you know! And I replied, that's how he likes it, he always wants it to be clean. Let the fool wash it himself then, Rufus replied. That night after they left to change for ice skating, I lingered in the room and watched you try to beat a racing game. You eventually did it and I left thinking, if you put that much effort and dedication into our relationship it would have worked out.

Today I washed rice again, in our little sink in TG04. I plan to eat rice for lunch and went to get more rice from your room. The daffodils I bought for a pound and gave to you the day before we broke up are blooming now, just in time for Chinese New Year. You smiled when you reached up to get the rice and hand it to me. You made a comment about how you hadn't killed them yet, amazingly. I replied, yes, considering that a malevolent spirit resides here.

As I washed the rice, I remember everything about that night. How you taught me how to wash the rice and how the rice grain felt running over my hands that night as you taught me how to knead the rice. I felt the numbness seep into my fingers again as I thought about you, and thought about then.

I have a packet of Vitasoy to look forward to

Last night I took medicine before I went to sleep.

Today I woke up physically fine for once, but traumatised from dreaming a dream where all I did was sob violently and become hysterical and miss someone who smiled a smile that stole my heart. And the pit of depression appeared again too.

At least I have another lunch to look forward to as well, today.

Only when I sleep

Only when I sleep,
I see you in my dreams

I am afraid to go to sleep tonight. For the past three nights and past three mornings I have dreamt of him and woken up with full blown panic attacks as a result. The mental and physical trauma is becoming more than I can handle, especially when I am suffering from a lack of sleep. I can no longer rest because I am so scared of what will happen tomorrow morning when I wake up.

This is a trauma that is so deep rooted that cannot be reached by any one on any level. It's a fear of what comes within that no one can reach, comfort, or take away. It's not emotional pain that subsides slowly with the soothing words of a friend, it's not physical pain that can be taken away with panadine. It's not even a nightmare that I can be woken up from. Instead it's an emotional terror that shoots deep from the core where I am terrified of the places my dreams will take me and the physical pain that manifests as a result. And the worst is that I am all alone in this when I'm sleeping. No one can come and comfort or distract me when the terror hits.

When I am awake I can fight, but when I am unconscious I am helpless.

I am scared to sleep.

Apparently a Banana man ran through ST102 lecture yesterday

I remember last time when I was missing someone when he was serving national service. Someone told me "the nights are the worst" and I agreed.

Every night however my dreams and filled with him. I wake up. I try to fall back to sleep again. When I wake up again the pit in my chest has formed, a tight clench that hurts physically so much till I cannot fall back to sleep. I am exhausted both physically and mentally. It becomes hard to come out of bed everyday when one feels that it is so hard to hope, even when you know there is a life worth living the moment you get out of bed. Waking up depressed in the worst.

I once said missing someone was the worst feeling ever, I forgot to add the word "love". Missing someone you love is the worst feeling ever, especially when you know they're gone.

I've not felt such deep suffering in a long time, nor have I ever recalled fighting the feeling so much before either. There's a very large down, and a very hardworking little up to all of this.
Going to sleep with the knowledge this is going to happen is harder.

"Oh I broke my glasses"

I suddenly remember a period in school towards the end in 2008 when I wore contacts to school for a few days straight as opposed to my usual glasses. When anyone asked, I said I broke my glasses and then smiled. I later found out that people actually believed me and kept asking me whether I could see my way around school. Arjun once asked if I could see enough to see my bus number to take home.

I'm not sure whether I should be touched that people trusted me so much, or laugh that they are so gullible. Thinking about it makes me smile now, in a good old lady 'those were the times' way.

Thinking of you indeed

I woke up this morning feeling terrible again. But this time of a more physiological sort. All the muscles in my chest are clenched tightly. I had a dream about you again and I suffered an anxiety attack in my sleep as a result.

For a Pessimist, I'm Pretty Optimistic

I still remember the day of your birthday. I got out of class and called to see if you were hanging around before Spanish and was told you were still having lunch. As I prepared to walk back, I got another call asking me to come over at meet you at Sainsbury Holborn. Then you asked me if I wanted to meet your friends. I froze a little because I was nervous, what if they didn't like me?

In the end I went along with you to My Old Dutch and met the 3 of them there. We talked for a short while before leaving. I remember it was cold outside and your friends slowly left. One walked with us down the block to Bloomsbury Park and took a bus from there. It was dark out, very dark. You were cold and I offered you the green plaid scarf I was wearing, that you were always fascinated with. I had on my white long gloves from H&M. I clung on to you as we walked at the side of the closed Bloomsbury Park, and down through Russell Square. We were talking, but I can't remember what about. I remember feeling really happy and excited.

Today as I looked out of the window during the same aforementioned class, seated next to a Really Hot Guy, I remembered that. I felt sad, because I remembered what I once had and now had lost. I thought about how much things had changed. And then I noticed something else, it was much more brighter now than it was at the end of November last year and the sun hadn't set yet.

Even though you are no longer around, things are no longer wreathed in darkness.