May Day

Last night as I struggled to sleep, I felt myself repeatedly seeking refuge in the idea of cross-stitch. I imagined myself sewing, and sewing away. And then of course I had to stop and wonder WHY was it that I was so drawn to cross-stitch, and working with my hands in general. When I did pottery I used to fall to sleep thinking about carving and shaping (damn I miss pottery). And then there was my mad knitting stage. Still got 2 uncompleted projects back at home, gathering dust.

I came to the conclusion that I found it reassuring because it was Sure and Certain. If I do XX then XX will come out, with the occasional hiccup of an XY. But life and everything is such that often when you put XX into it, ABCD comes out. There are just too many variables floating about for any real certainty in anything, and this makes me Anxious as hell. Especially since I just introduced (half of me screams WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?!) another variable into my life in the form of a Romantic Interest. One that, yes, makes me bloody happy, but another bit makes me go 'WTF why are you letting someone else control your happiness?!' lest anything go Southwards. That and the knowledge that I am horribly dependent on a Partner when I get one, but when I'm single I'm most (80%) fine with being emotionally independent.

Yes I am utterly paranoid, but at the same time I can't help but feel scared for Everything and Anything that is part of the Ominous Future. ARGH*%U($MU@(X@