Banana Unicorn

Or: Tamil Tiggers. Both phrases I heard I on Wednesday that were coined by strange, strange students.

Tonight as Gail and I left the office, it started to rain. The rain thankfully wasn't heavy because neither of us had umbrellas, but the droplets that did fall on us were these plump, fat things. Then when I got off at my bus stop to walk home I realised there was lightning in the sky too. It felt surreal watching the sky light up for the barest of moments at almost 11pm at night, and hearing the rumble of thunder not too far behind. I don't think I had encountered lightning or thunder the entire time I was in the UK, and definitely not while walking outdoors lately.

For those few moments that it took for me to cross the street and fumble with the gate, every time the sky flashed bright, my heart would clench a little in fear. The idea of being struck by lightning, being under a tree that was struck by lightning, the gate suddenly being struck by lighting as I tried to open it... The fear felt almost childish, but one I couldn't shake. It made me feel like a child again for a moment, to be afraid of lightning.

A few days ago, it started to rain and storm around 4am in the morning, The thunder was so loud that it woke me up. I've forgotten exactly what day it was, but as I realised while lying in bed and staring at the ceiling, it was the first time I recall being jolted awake by thunder. As I lay in bed, I thought for a moment that my house had been struck by lightning and the electricity supply had tripped. It turned out to be just my imagination. With every lightning strike, I watched my curtains illuminate with morbid horror. I ended up only being able to go back to sleep after the storm dissipated about twenty minutes later. 

Barking Up The Tree of Bad Math

I'm feeling quite frustrated now because I just tried to practice a section of basic arithmetic for the GRE and I made a right mess of it. Lots and lots of stupid mistakes, like reading the question wrongly or forgetting exponential rules. Or better yet, forgetting that 0 counts as a even integer ARGH.

Last week I didn't work because I was sick and contagious with a lovely bacterium called mycoplasma. It explained why I had been feeling so shitty as of late. I stayed at home most of the week rotting and questioning what the hell I was doing with my life, and feeling too disoriented to get any work done. That's a whole week of time down the drain ARGH. I did go to work on Tuesday and Thursday for a while to clear some urgent work, but that was about it.

While sending postcards today I noticed that they changed on the sign. Apparently SingPost no longer collects mail on Saturdays. I wonder if that's the case, whether they still deliver the post on Saturday. Probably no I suspect. Meanwhile, my brother has re-started his annoying habit of scrawling on each piece of incoming post that he can get his hands on.

I feel grumpy.

A Year of Experience

On Monday I went out with Tiffany, and felt quite reluctant to return home. To me returning home meant my weekend was over and that the work week was restarting again. Days of being tired and feeling rushed until the weekend (really Saturday evening for me) comes again. Plus while out on Monday I actually had to step aside and conduct a 40 minute phone call with a stressed out parent. The previous Friday she had emailed me, upset with the undone work she had found in her daughter's bag. I had answers as to how that happened alright, but I couldn't quite say them. Also in a way, that parent wasn't after just answers, she wanted to know everything. So I spent 40 minutes hiding next to a fire hose reel in a corner of Somerset 313 talking to her.

After the phone call, I felt incredibly stressed out and exasperated. I felt helpless and guilty at the same. Was it that I wasn't doing my job? Yes I was true that the past month-ish I haven't exactly been able to work to the best of my ability because of other problems, but were things really that bad? Then again, the only noticeable part of my work that seemed to have suffered was in my marking rates. And I hadn't exactly had other complaints from other parents or students. In fact, it really was just one class that had been giving me problems, my Thursday 5pm class of 11 year olds.

Then I sort of realised a few things as the days went by: 1) From speaking to my colleagues, I realised that the previous teacher hadn't been known for being particularly dedicated before 2) The class was itself problematic because of both the types of students in the class (huge range in capabilities, some are brilliant, others extremely weak in English), and their behaviour (which was to mercilessly tease a student, J) 3) I had been handed the class at a very awkward time - late June 2013 - right before I was due to travel to Japan, and also far too late for me to really have had any impact on their work 4) I was not as stern as feared as the previous teacher, and because they weren't self-motivated and mainly did their work out of fear, they were now lax about completing their homework.

Thinking of all of that sort of made me feel a bit better. I went to class on Thursday sort of dreading it, but telling myself to do as best as I could. I spoke to all of them and urged them to hand up and do their homework, if not for their sakes then mine at least ('cause I know they at least like me), and they all looked guilty. Then I took one boys who said majority of the nasty comments out and spoke to him one-on-one about all his hurtful comments (before I had only warned him in class). That boy told me that the previous teacher had been very mean to J, and they had just joined in for fun and she didn't stop them. I had to tell him that I didn't agree with what the previous teacher did, and that it wasn't right to be so mean to someone who was already so visibly downtrodden and discouraged. Thankfully he agreed with my reasoning.

The lesson itself wasn't eventful or notable. It was a mock examination paper, and they were slower than my two other Wednesday classes. Oh well. Still I stressed them out and they managed to complete everything on time. With 5 minutes left, I decided to show them the silly The Fox video to make them laugh. They really liked it, especially the silly sound effects chorus bit. J had been quite slow with finishing his work (as usual), so I asked him to stay back a bit for us to go through the paper. I was quite happy with him because before while he didn't even try at all, I could see him trying now even though the work was definitely very hard for him.

Tonight after my class finished at 9:30pm, I finally managed to snatch the time to give J's mum a call. I was worried I told her, that J was getting very discouraged because the work was simply too tough. It's hard psychologically to feel like you're always inferior, and the absurdly difficult work we often give our students would only exacerbate that. I was very concerned about him, I told her (and indeed I truly am because I always have a soft spot for the 'poor thing' students.) She told me however, that before he never really cared so much about his work, but now he even does his homework without much prompting from her end. That, and he was a lot more happier about going to class now. That made me feel a little nice and fuzzy on the inside. While I couldn't actually SEE whether I was helping his English language levels, I knew at least I had managed to make J's life a little more pleasant. And in a way it's things like this that keep me going, despite all my complaints about teaching. It's the idea that I can effect real change in the lives of students and make their lives easier.

That and remembering how my cheeky hyper Wednesday 2:30pm class of 11 year olds hid in the darkness to surprise me on Teacher's Day week. I was freaking out that they had all disappeared (because I saw them IN the class a few minutes before when I walked past) and walked into the classroom freaking out. Then they jumped out screaming 'Surprise! Happy Teacher's Day!' and then bombarded me with their gifts (tea for a student, cause she knows I love tea! And a nice box of Royce from another) as I stood by stunned, mouth agape. I wanted to strangle all of them, but they were giggling so much that one crazy kid even fell on the floor laughing.

Teaching is definitely not an easy job (especially if you want to do a good job), but for now I can't think of anything else in the world I'd rather be doing. 

Travel Wish List

Had a very tiring and vexing day at work today, so I will compose a list of Things I Really Want to See and Visit to make me feel inspired again. Plus if I ever feel shit, I can go back and look at the list and Remind Myself of Why I Am Working.

European Cities I Want to Visit:
- Dresden, Germany
- Berlin, Germany
- Marseille, France
- Madrid, Spain
- Seville, Spain

Sights in Latin America I Really Want to See:
- The Machu Picchu
- The Bolivian Salt Flats
- Llamas running around

Countries I Want to Visit and Poke Around:
- Russia
- Cuba

Places in North America I Want to Go to:
- San Francisco
- Monticello, Virginia
- Winchester House, California
- Montreal/Quebec City
- New Orleans
- Portland (hipster spotting?)

Countries I'd Like to Volunteer in:
- Vietnam
- Cambodia

URGH WHY AM I STUCK HERE ):

I Deserve a Medal!

I didn't expect to post so much within a matter of 3 days but yes the day has finally come, and I've worked a year! Today was also one of the most pleasant days I've had in a while, which was surprising since I stayed extra late and left only at about 10:30pm with Gail because of marking I had to complete. Maybe it was the exercise I did this morning, which left me feeling more refreshed than exhausted (a rare thing, I assure you). Perhaps it was lunch, which I had with Ianthe at Professor Brawn Cafe, which was nice because of the company (the food quality there has sadly declined ): ). It could have been the class I taught, which although was a relief class, was a class I had taught a few times before and liked. They're nice, good natured kids with a lovely sense of humour. Plus they laugh at my jokes, and pipe up to answer open questions. Or maybe it was even having a nice takeaway dinner from Once Upon a Thyme. Either way, it was a nice pleasant day and I got to clear work.

That being said, because I have (HORRORS) three classes tomorrow, I still need to do some preparation work despite the late hour. Also as a result, I predict in approximately 24 hours times I will be utterly exhausted and frustrated with everything again. Plus perhaps maybe wanted to strangle a child or two.

Still, it's nice to feel happy and contented :) 

Mooncakes and Memories

Today I finally managed to venture to the Mooncake Festival Fair at Takashimaya's basement. Last time I used to always go there with my Mum when I accompanied her shopping on Saturdays. This year we've not been out clothes shopping together once at all, namely because I work on Saturdays. This time I went with Tiffany, and it really was by chance rather than deliberate design that we ended up there, as we had originally started out at Somerset MRT and wandered over after we had dinner had Sushi Express. I must say, the bill at Sushi Express took us both by surprise at $10 a person. And as Tiff put it, it's practically NEVER that you're surprised in a a good way at the dinner bills in Singapore.

Anyway at the Mooncake Festival, I set off to find my favourite snowy Mooncake booth, and we found it! I remembered the box and the flavours available, and I felt quite pleased to be able get those yummy Mooncakes again, nevermind that they're horridly bad for you :x It felt funny/nice to be able to repeat this 'tradition', though I didn't do it last year nor remember when was the last time I had Mooncakes from that specific store. I do however, remember doing it two years in a row. Maybe when I was about 18 and 19, before I left for London? Not sure anymore. Still, 2 yummy Mooncakes for $13 :)

While out with Tiff, I also bought Ender's Game by Orson Scott Card. We spoke a little about it before when we were teaching the students some lesson months ago, and I remembered it as one of those Sci-Fi books that are Must Reads, just like Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep? and Flowers for Algernon. Am currently reading a whole bunch of entertaining Jeffrey Archer shorts now, which is a bit like candy floss for the brain.

Felt extremely reluctant to go home today, mainly because it really signalled the end of my weekend. Am not looking forward to work because it'll be a long week (as usual) with all sorts of difficult things that make me feel like grunting in (anticipated) frustration. I had a 40 minute phone call today from a stressed out parent, making me feel very stressed out too. The workload feels never ending and there's little or no downtime (unless you've forgotten about all your work). Still, tomorrow will mark my 1 year anniversary with the firm. Ho.

Almost a Year

It's been almost a year since I started working at M/s L and last Saturday, for the first time ever (hoho), I wore jeans to work. I haven't worn jeans in some time, and I must say I miss how comfy they are compared to other types of trousers. It's nice to feel it lightly hugging you, see it not crease oddly and not roll up and get stuck to your calves.

It's also been a year since I last flew back from London. Sometimes I see pictures of London, or see snippets of it in travel shows. I do miss it because going out was much more fun there, lots of things (that interest me) to see and something worthwhile always happening somewhere, but I'm happy to have been home for a year. I am able to spend a lot of time with my family, and in a way I never need to fret about occupying myself or feeling lonely because they're always around.

On a side note, I've been getting tension headaches again. I used to get them a lot when I was about 14, and in Secondary 2, but I stopped getting afterwards. I still remember the medicine I had for that: these blue pills called Anarex. In Uni Year 1 I had some pretty bad headaches too, but those were more like migraines if I recall. Oh well. Hopefully this round will pass after a while too. 

186

Today after Math class, I took 186 all the way to my Mama's place. It was predictably quite a long ride, meandering through parts of Singapore like River Valley and Queenstown. Still I got a seat, and kept looking outside as the bus drove on. It then occurred to me that the last time I was at Tanjong Pagar on a Sunday was many years ago, when I was 16 to be exact and interning at M/s M. Mr Tan had asked me to go back to work on Sunday (even after I had been in on Saturday) to help speed up the zapping of Court of Appeal documents. I had arrived at the office around 10am, and found it shut. After hanging about for an hour, I got fed up and left, walking to Tanjong Pagar to blow off some steam. That was the last time I recall being there and seeing the area so oddly empty.

The other time I suppose (thought I don't recall seeing as much), was when I did the Nike 10k Human Race with classmates from 6.9 in 2008. I remember puffing past the Singapore Chinese Orchestra Hall, but that was about it. Funny how a place can act as an anchor, linking so many disparate and not-usually-thought-of memories.

I felt quite tired and out of it today. Yesterday I had 3 classes. This week I taught 10 in total. Needless to say I have quite a bit of marking too. My mood this/these week/weeks has been very strange. I seem to be bouncing between outright rage and frustration with the senior management at work, to feeling like I can't do anything right at all. Meanwhile I just feel very tired. Even if I get enough sleep, I still feel like there's cotton wool stuffed into my joints, muscles and veins. Parts of my body ache for much longer after workouts than before too. I'm not sure if it's because I'm not eating as much as before, or whether I'm getting anaemia again.

Meanwhile even though it's been more than a week, I'm still reading Catch-22 by Joseph Heller. It's a strange and thick book without much of a plot to really dive into, but cleverly written nonetheless. It's also one of those books that you can pick up easily even after days of not reading it, simply because not much of what you've read before matters to the rest of the story. Ho. 

Tuesday

Today I finally packed up my entire desk at work, along with the rest of the office. Although we're only supposed to really vacate tomorrow ("at 2359 hours" according to the silly text they sent out), most of my colleagues have already packed up, and so I decided to join them. The last time my desk was this empty was when I first started work, and even then that lasted about a week before I started piling things on. I'll stuff my little red panda into the box tomorrow.

I feel daft today.

Broadchurch and Weekend

I finished watching Broadchurch on Friday night, and powered through the last three episodes at a go 'cause I couldn't resist. Olivia Colman is a fine, fine actress. Her performance, especially in the last episode, had tears pricking at my eyes. Still fun to think of her as Sophie from the Peep Show though, haha. Loved David Tennant in the show too.

It's Monday night now, and my 'weekend' is sadly over. Not sure where it went really, but then again I did do quite a few things.

Saturday was the usual round of classes and marking. Gail came over around lunchtime to do stuff and we ate at Rotisserie. Then I went home and ended up playing Tropico and reading Catch-22 till I went to bed.

Sunday I had lunch with my parents and Guo Mah at a Porridge Place in Katong. Then we drove about the area looking at the old '40s and '50s style houses, which I have to admit was pretty interesting. Pity how few of them are left, and how the lots have since been subdivided. Around 4pm, I met Shu, HM and Tiff at Holland Village to catch up. At 5:45pm-ish I left to see Mama because she wanted to talk to me about something. It turned out to be about some silly chain mail letter she read, about two girls having their kidneys stolen when theWy went to Thailand for a holiday. Goodness.

After hanging out with Mama a little, and assuaging her fears, I left to meet Gen, Yihang and Jiayun at La Petite Cuisine. Yihang and Jia were late, so Gen and I drank and Snapple and waited. Then they came and we all ordered. Yum. By then the place was winding down, and the staff looked a lot less stressed. We then went to Maconalds to hang out and talk. To my amusement, a whole section of the place was taken up by guys watching an EPL match. Didn't even know Macdonalds had a TV.

Today I was woken up by my phone vibrating to texts, and decided to go cut my hair before my GRE class. Amusingly, and probably evidence about how easily cowered I am by hairdressers, my hairdresser asked me how I handle my students when I am so (斯文) si wen. This made me terribly amused because it flew in the face of how I thought of myself.

After that I headed to Nam Nam to have beef pho and drown summer rolls in Maggi seasoning sauce, before taking the train to Tanjong Pagar. I also discovered the best way to get to Springleaf Tower is actually to just exit at International Plaza and cross the road. Then I had a 3 hour Math lesson, which made me feel both mentally tired and exhilarated (Math actually makes sense now!). Came home and ended up reading Catch-22. Also spoke to Shu on Skype for about an hour and a half about graduated courses and universities.

Back to more reading now.

Broke August and September

It's just the 1st of September but I'm already broke, cause I needed to use a hefty chunk of my pay for August to pay off credit card bills. September hence, will have to be a broke month in order to avoid chalking up even MORE credit card bills. Yikes.

I noticed that August crawled by really slowly. In fact time seems to crawl by really slowly nowadays, unless I'm napping or need to finish work urgently. Maybe it's because I'm broke and counting down the days till payday again :o

Wide Sargasso Sea

Finished reading Jean Rhys' The Wide Sargasso Sea today. I had to teach it months ago for an Unseen Prose piece that was hard as hell, because of a lack of context. After that lessons and talking to my colleagues, I realised that it was a book that greatly beguiled me, and so bought it off Book Depository. I am glad to have read it, especially given recent events, as it struck an extra special chord with me. That and the title: The Wide Sargasso Sea. Lovely, full rounded vowels that roll off one's tongue, with a hint of sibilance for that bit of ominousness. An idea of a body of water so large that one can comfortably fall back into it and sink silently into its depths. Gave it a 4.5/5 in my reading notebook.

-----

On Monday, much to the amusement of myself and all around me, I attended my first Math class. In preparation for applying for a Masters degree for the Fall 2014 intake, I need to sit for my GREs. Before that however, I need to actually get to an acceptable level again of Math capability. Urgh. Math was never one of my better subjects, and true enough when I sat for a diagnostic test I bombed the Math section. So I signed up for classes (I harbour little illusions about my limited Math capabilities). Which cost a bomb, but get the job done I suppose. I feel like I remember a lot more about my Sec 2 Math already after just one session, ho.

Also in other news, on Saturday night I went over to Ianthe's house to hang out with her and Steph. There, Ianthe and I also finally booked a trip in Dec to Krabi. Am looking forward to it even though it's months away. Whatever keeps you going, eh?

Pillow Safety Suit

I stumbled up a very silly website called markdg.com, and wandered onto his inventions page. It makes me giggle in the worst possible sort of way, ohoho.

Above is a picture of his Pillow Safety Suit invention. I wish I had one of those. Then I could just roll around on the floor if I wanted to get to anywhere and wouldn't need to walk anymore. Roll about in a nice, soft and squishy suit. Mmm.

Iron Mountain Boxes

Recently M/s L have embarked on a harebrained cost saving exercise which requires all us teachers to relinquish our desks. It was a move that was widely met with disapproval (surprise!) from all the teachers because HEY we're teachers and our jobs involve lots of papers that need to be stored in an organised manner, lest they get mixed up or lost. Whoever thought up the idea was evidently not a teacher, nor has ever been one.

In order to facilitate this move of extreme stupidity, the office ordered cardboard boxes for us. Two boxes each, which we had to sign out for, because you know disgruntled employees would take extra boxes to resell on the black market or something. Anyway the boxes came yesterday, the same day we had our Teacher's Day lunch (COINCIDENCE?! I THINK NOT :O) So after I finished my 9:30pm class I went to look at the boxes, since some fool left them all stacked behind my desk for collection, and I was intrigued.

At a glance of all the perforation lines on the flat packed boxes, I realised that we were reckoning with not your regular sort of cardboard box, but a super-special transformer type box. Even though I didn't intend to pack many things away, I decided to grab a box and start folding it, and BOY WAS I IMPRESSED. This was a box like no other. Everything folded and tucked neatly into each other, without the need for any masking tape. It was sturdy, folded into itself, and when you had to fold it into itself the takeout tabs would just fly out with a wonderful POP. This my friends, was the Rolls Royce of cardboard boxes.

When I stayed in the UK I moved house a total of 2 times, and use normal cardboard boxes each time. Then when I went home, I packed my stuff into 6 boxes of varying sizes and shipped them all back to Singapore by cargo ship. As a result, I'll like to think I've dealt with my fair share of boxes for a 23 year old, and knew all about them. Little did I know about IRON MOUNTAIN CARDBOARD BOXES, which are a veritable feat of great design and engineering, rolled into a humble cardboard box. I SHIT YOU NOT THEY ARE AMAZING.

So amazing in fact, that I think this design is the magnum opus of someone's entire life. Like someone went to engineering school just to come up with it's ingenious design. Whoah. Too bad I forgot to take a picture, perhaps I'll do so tomorrow.

Did you know that I get amazed by very inane and mundane things?

A Kernel of Dried Corn

Recently HR sent out an e-mail that offended the whole office cause the tone was incredibly patronising. The moment person zero saw it, she started sending on mass texts to her friends telling them to read the email, which was then passed on to more people until the whole office had scrambled to read it. When I read it, I just laughed and shrugged it off. I mean, silly is what silly is right? Unbeknownst to me, the email had actually severely pissed off the rest of my office. Today when I had lunch with a colleague, she spoke angrily about the email and the reactions of other staff at her branch, and I was kind of stunned. It never even occurred to me to be offended.

Dunno, just one anecdote of many about how I'm not thinking the same as before. Not sure if it's a new malaise or a temporary one.

I feel tired and strained.

18 August 2013

Today I learnt about flight KAL 007 that crashed in 1983, a casualty of the Cold War that no one quite talks about in History books. Due to a serious of human errors and having mistaken the plane for a spy plane, the Soviets ended up shooting the passenger jet down. When they showed the reenactments of the plane bouncing up and down and the passengers screaming inside, it was kind of depressing.

In other news I am sick, down with the flu or something similar. I spent most of today sleeping, and still don't feel any better. I am however, tearing through A Visit From The Goon Squad during my waking moments. It's a nice, fun book.

My students have also started to notice patterns for when I'm feeling unwell. Namely that I am grumpier and am more disoriented, less mentally organised. Funny kids. One the students that I liked from my Saturday class had her last lesson yesterday, and she gave me an early Teacher's Day present and card. The card is sitting on my desk now, looking at me. Aww.

Bali Traffic

Went to Bali this past long weekend with my parents. Hari Raya Puasa coincided nicely with National Day and the weekend, so I took leave for Saturday and flew to Bali with my parents for a 4 day 3 night trip. Bali I must say, was nothing like I remembered, in a bad way. We stayed in a really beautiful hotel, but outside, the Seminyak area, left much to be desired. Traffic was terrible, and on the 3rd day when we went walking around outside during the evening, I even got asthma from prolonged exposure to the traffic pollution. Furthermore we also discovered a dodgy money changed had pulled a con on my Mum, which quite ruined the mood for that night.

Good news is, my Mum went to confront him the next day and he gave her back the IDR 500,000 (SGD 65). I felt really proud of my Mum for doing that, but I found out later it's cause she didn't realise confronting even a two-bit criminal is dangerous. Hahaha my Mum. I also managed to polish off two books and a graphic novel, and got to relax by the beach and go for spa-thingies.

All in all, I'm glad for the break from Singapore. It was nice to be physically in another spot, but I must say it was definitely not one of the better trips I have been on.

Meanwhile, back to work and life, and endless "Theft at the Mall" essays urk.

Hedgeh

BTW JFYI - I am now a free agent. What ever that means. No I have not lost my job, but I've lost something else that sort of ties people down/together. I will plod through this with various higher doses of medication, family and friends. Just that in the meanwhile, I will be utterly useless and unreliable as a human being. 

I decided after poking about Book Depository (yes! Grief spending!!!) to start a book journal with one of the numerous notebooks I have around. I picked a yellow pantone one which I thought I liked when I bought it, but now no longer like so much. Anyway using my archival pen, I doodle a hedgehog sort-of looking at an apple. It was meant to be a smiley hedgehog but WELL, I guess my mood diffused into my drawing. It now sort of looks forlornly at an apple it cannot reach unless it tip-toed. Can hedgehogs tip-toe anyway? Maybe I'll add a well placed rock near it's front feet or something in the future when I am less tranquillised.

Postcrossing

I feel a bit better now after writing some postcards for postcrossing. I guess it's the feeling that I can still cheer people up that makes me feel slightly better. Still feel however, like a large boulder is pressing down in the middle of my chest.

I guess I ought to go shower and test out that new bison shower curtain. 

Bison Shower Curtain

Ever since Sunday morning, I have felt like a dark cloud has descended on me, and I haven't been able to smile since then. Everything feels incredibly straining and I'd like nothing more than to just hide in my bed all day and avoid outside contact.

In other news I finally changed the shower curtain in the bathroom today. The previous one had been hanging there for a good number of years. This new one was bought from Ikea today, after I went there with my Dad for lunch. It's a bit too long though.