Today I have been visited by ghosts of the past again. One was a chance meeting with Zhi Wai in Rail Mall - where Kaijin, Arjun and I were studying in coffee bean with Karan. Two was when Oliver mentioned the first time we met, which was accompanied by another memory of the past that I had forgotten and which now brings a certain sadness to my heart.

Sometimes, when I think about the past, I feel traumatised.

In a way even though I survived and tried my best to come to terms and resolve this 'past' of mine, I don't think I've been very successful. If I still feel twinges of hurt and sadness, does it mean I have never fully recovered? Or is it natural to still look back on episodes of life and still feel an attached emotion, but more watered down than when it was fresh? I don't know. I've not quite lived long enough to learn that yet.

But the past is something we cannot change. Whether we can change the future however, depends on which school of thought one follows. Vonnegut's Slaughterhouse Five brought up something interesting about the concept of free will. In the book, an alien race captures the protagonist and one tells him that, "I've visited thirty-one inhabited planets in the universe... Only on Earth is there any talk of free will". Vonnegut's main intention of using fatalism as a main theme of his book have been said by many as a criticism of the concept - that we do have free will.

I personally believe that yes, we do have free will. We can't control the external factors that come and go which will ultimately affect our lives - but there is also much that we can control. There is the ability to weigh risks and gains in any decision we make, the ability to say 'stop!' when we are displeased or uncomfortable, or even the ability to see shit happening and do one's best to avoid it as much as possible. So yes, my past may be riddled with experiences that I cannot help but feel a certain sadness at recalling, but I believe that I can manipulate my destiny into a life that is worth fighting for!

(This is odd, why am I so optimistic?)