Just now while walking back from the bus stop to my house, I saw a dead bird on the side of the road.


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If I were childish, I could say that the source of all human suffering is male gender.

But I'm not childish. I have to say something like 'the source of the human suffering is the opposite sex.'

But then again, I've lived too long and seen to many things to know that statement is nothing but a gross oversimplification. In truth, the source of all* human suffering is ourselves. It is our humane inability to do the things we know we should do, our inability to resist doing the things we know we should not do, and our inability to cease thinking of what should not be thought of. It's not that we can't do it - we can! If we couldn't do it, then well your suffering falls under another category. The worst suffering is the suffering you know you can prevent, but still don't do so anyway and live on with the consequences.

*things always sound better when you use 'all': I should think most readers here are astute enough to know what I mean.

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It is no secret that for the past few months, I have been suffering from intermittent depression. It comes quickly without warning, every week. In this time period, suffice to say I have been nothing but absorbed in myself, my feelings, my life, with trying to hold on to the shreds of sanity and soul that I had left. I had no time, no feeling, no ability to even remain much in the interpersonal sphere.

However now that my life has been stabilising, I have been slowly easing back into the lives that revolve around my life sphere - and I feel so overwhelmed.

A lot of things that I thought were okay, that were fine during my recovery period - are not. Perhaps it was because these people wanted to leave me be, give me the space I needed, I don't quite know. But now things do seem quite fucked up. Fucked up beyond belief. FUBAR.

One part of me says, now now please don't go all dramatic again, maybe things will be fine. Then the other part screams NO NO NO! I can see disaster happening, and it is this part which dominates my person. I am worried. The implications behind all of this makes my head spin. I feel my heart ache.

I really need to do some running today.