Ate dinner outdoors today, in the cold

I just found out one of the guys I am friendly here with (a Johannes, interestingly named enough) is going back to Germany the next academic year, for good because he is switching to Medicine from International Relations. He was in the same class as me for 1 EH101 lesson (before switching to PH) and for all of my GV100 lessons. Plus we live in the same hall. I can't say we were really close, but the idea of a friend leaving so soon (for good) just makes me feel a great sense of loss.

(Cinematic) Orgasms in the Sky

I just booked tickets for Buben Baraban and Crush for Thursday evening. Zoe is joining me for Crush later at 8:30pm, but I shall be catching Buben Baraban earlier.

I'm so excited! I just love film festivalssssss. Reminds me of how in the middle of the O levels I went out to watch Day of Glory at The Picturehouse. Cinematic orgasms indeed. Phwoahhhh.

Now, to cross my fingers and hope that something drastic like getting knocked over by a car doesn't happen to me till Thursday.

East End Film Festival 2010

http://www.eastendfilmfestival.com/index.php?/home/

DROOL. I am so disappointed that I did not notice the flyer in the ULU gym earlier. Argh!

Still, so many lovely movies and so little time/money. I just want to catch them all!

Will be watching Disco and Atomic Wars with Christoph, hooray. I hope Zoe wants to watch some movies too. I would ask Jia, but she's got exams. Damn.

"Passim"

Dear GV101 Coordinator,

You are an asshole for writing "A. Lijphart ed. Parliamentary versus Presidential Government, OUP, 1992, introduction and passim" as part of the course reading when a more accessible word would have sufficed.

Yours Sincerely,

A GV101 Student

The Golden Age

Economic History talks of the Golden Age of Economic Growth which occur mainly from the 1950s to 1973 - the post WWII recovery era till the first Oil Crisis. For the past few days I have been up to my eye(balls? brows?) with such readings. They are a most happy thing compared to readings on The End of The Golden Age (post-1973) and things such as Failure of Russian Economy, The 1930s Debt Crisis. As a course, EH101 is lovely lovely thing to study. It is a wonderful convergence of history, politics and little bits of IB economics converging together. Preparing for exams however, is quite a pain because the scope is far too wide and amorphous. It is probably one of the most structureless, anchorless modules to study for in the LSE exams.

Anyway that is not what compelled me to write again. I am more than often frustrated with the course, let alone wax lyrical about how it is (because I am always leaning to complaining more than appreciating, yes I am that crotchety old cat lady that lives down the street). Instead it made me think about my own Golden Age, which I know well is happening before my eyes now - despite all the negativity that has been flowing about my veins about everything related to life in general (and no, contrary to certain rumours I am nowhere near suicidal or anything pertaining to the matter of depression).

A Chew told me once (or perhaps many times?) about how the Golden Age really occurs in ones youth, when we are not belaboured by words like Boss, Responsibility and Mortgage and at the same time possess the new word of Independence. I think I got a false start at this, mainly because when I came down to London I fell quickly in love with another that preferred playing foosball to spending time with me. I never had time to discover myself in a new country, though there was definitely development in experience and character.

Now 3 months on, I find myself surrounded by new things and new people. I am faced with new and happier possibilites after old doors have been shut to me. As for the distant past, I have now come to peace with it in my own odd way and talked to old friends that I once consigned into the past. I've freaked out about being alone enough, travelled with friends in the UK and strengthened old friendships. As the academic year draws closer to the end with (urgh) exams, I am left once more to evaluate my time in London, and though the diagnosis is bittersweet in the short term, I know in the long term it will bring about sweeter things.

I hate Bran Flakes

On the second day, Jiayun and I missed breakfast because we were so tired and slept in. Daryl, ever the wonderful and conscientious person, woke up on time and collected breakfast for us instead. Well, he took two boxes of Bran Flakes and I hate Bran Flakes. Something about it just sounds too healthy to be tasty. It's like eating Cardboard Flakes. So I came up with a wild notion (my mind is most fertile of wild notions when I am around Daryl, especially) to feed it to ducks.

At the end of the day, when we were all too exhausted the three of us gathered next to the river than runs next to St Hilda's college and I finally got to feed Bran Flakes to three ducks that wandered by. They started pecking at each other to get to the food and three soft duck down feathers floated down the river after a fit of violence. Daryl stopped me from attempting to murder a duck by throwing an apple at it (also obtained from breakfast).

And this event, is how I choose to remember Oxford with Jia and Daryl - random, silly and bathed in the soft hues of sunshine in a city of spires. Also probably wildly inappropriate and surprising, with a gigantic goose who flew to the ducks and scared me so I ducked behind Daryl.

We had two really exceptionally good meals - one Japanese at place called Endamame (lovely pink and green seaweed salad, salmon hotpot and free flow tea) and Rice Box, 4 overflowing plates of meat and rice for 8 pounds per person. Then there was Moo (I think), the milkshake place where this lactose intolerant person had a fruit blend drink instead. S&D ice-cream, Bailey's cream was also absolutely delightful. Even the random Chicken Tikka microwave meal tasted good - because these were all meals that were eaten together with the best of friends.

The Ballroom, this vintage store nearby St Hilda's was also delightful. We ended up going there everyday and I bought 2 scarves, a handbag and a dress for 14 pounds. Plus I finally got Daryl his 19th birthday gift, a nice manly scarf. Arcadia was another treasure trove and I bought some nice cards and 3 books - one a delightful collection of dirty limericks for a pound 50p. Jia and I also somehow went to Bicester village as well (with an extremely reluctant Daryl who ended up buying a pair of shoes and two pairs of pants I might add - Jia bought the least with a pair of gloves and a scarf I think) and I got two blouses and a pair of gloves.

Best of all of course was the conversation - next to cold fires while drinking in a very Oxford pub (you could hear names like Grotius echoing in the background), lying in bed in our room, whilst walking along Magdalen Park, up in some church tower, in Blackwell's Art and Poster store, on the bus to Bicester village and back, over multiple meals. I don't think I've been so silly or laughed so much in such a long time.

In short, Oxford was awesome, and would not have been so without my two lovely companions, Daryl and Jiayun. However good things cannot last, and it ended with the three of us half sprinting down to Gloucester Green to catch the 9:10pm Oxford Tube to London Victoria. As I was about to leave Jia at Warren Street tube station, we hugged and were surrounded by a group of black youths who started laughing manically at the sight of us hugging and half surrounded us (11:30pm-ish, London). Then as I was one block away from my dorm, I passed a prostitute who shouted 'what are you looking at?' at me, still clasping a condom between her teeth, when I was just trying to glance at the road in order to cross safely.

Oh God, London. I do loathe thee.

Chicken Stir Fry

Inspired by the stir fry I had in Strasbourg and in the 4th Floor Restaurant in LSE, I cooked stir fry recently.

Long Beans - 1 pound

Leafy Veg (Pak Choi or something, can't remember the name) - 1 pound

Can of corn kernels - free from relatives

Chicken 400g - 3.50 (buy two for 7 pounds)

Soy Sauce

1 cup rice

Black Pepper

Serves 4 meals = about 1 pound 40p per meal

Om nom nom nom. That and the Waterzooi I cooked last week with Hardeep. I shall aim to cook chicken curry before school reopens, and boring old spaghetti bolognese. That's for next week I suppose since I'm going to Oxford from Wednesday to Friday. School is school, life is life - though my life might have just taken yet another unexpected twist just 24 hours ago. The end results are yet to be seen.

Meanwhile: I am hungry again >:(

500 Days of Summer

I don't think I could have watched a movie that more reminded me of my past relationship. At the end of the movie, I was depressed, because it reminded me of everything - yet where was my Autumn? This got me thinking about the relationship all over again, and the things that have been happening recently.

1) Falling in love take courage, and it is this courage that I now lack;

2) I'm over him, but I'm not over how everything played out. I still remember the hell that I went through;

3) I am incredibly scared of being taken for granted and dumped on a vague lark again;

4) I am more traumatised of committing than I have ever been;

5) The idea of commitment gives me panic attack like feelings;

6) I want to fall in love again.

7) I don't know how people stay married for life anymore.

All At Sea

I wish I could make the problems of all my friends and loved ones go away. If not, I wish I could make all of their problems mine so that they least may be spared the heartbreak and heartache that life in it's own various ways brings to us. It seems ever so evident to me now that I have only been granted half of my wish - but I always wish I could do more. It hurts me that I am unable to help as much as I want to.

I am undecided if this is a curse or a gift.

The last stir fry I had was in Strasbourg and it was surprisingly yummy. Om nom nom.

So apparently I've started revision today - starting with my favourite monarch (maybe, I can't decide if that thought came to my mind in earnest or sarcastically), Charles V.

I went to the gym today and it was a nice short stroll. As I walked outside Gordon Square park, a black London cab passed me with two men in suits inside. My first thought was 'oh no, Patrick Bateman!'. I think I'll either watch American Psycho soon, or Psycho. Zoe is back anyway, ohoho. Though of course I doubt she'll be much help if a raging crazy psychopath comes and tries to drink my blood.

I cooked Waterzooi the other day, with Hardeep. It was all a very silly affair and we were giggling like shit because I was quite lost and didn't buy all the ingredients (it was expensive!!!) and he came and helped me. We stole butter from the fridge and salt and pepper (because I couldn't find mine). Plus I had to use leek in the ingredients, and I didn't even know what it looked like just hours before (I had to read all the labels in the supermarket) and when I chopped it up it was based on a wild guess about which the important bits were. I realised I even forgot to peel the carrots before throwing them in, hahaha.

It could have been an unequivocal disaster, but somehow, it turned into some awesome stew. Well, it wasn't quite Waterzooi, but it was creamy and nice, and ohmahgawd the leeks were awesome (so I did put in the proper bits). I think I am in love with leeks. It's got that onioney feel to it without being overpowering like the way onions are.

For tonight I'll attempt random stir fry. I remember buying garlic last Nov because I was a good girlfriend who wanted to cook Ba Ku Teh for her ex's birthday and ended up with left over (okay I so need to stop being bitter), so hopefully uh they're still edible and cookable. Fingers crossed again.

It seems I have my fingers crossed often, especially when it comes to cooking.

I feel very sick and unstable.

How My Heart Behaves

Just a few weeks ago, outside Euston Station, I bought a copy of the Big Issue from a man. He sat under one of those yellowey street lamps. I just had dinner with Hardeep, Chai, Chen, boy Zhi Wei and Shon Lee at Ed's Diner. As I leaned over to give him 2 pounds for the Big Issue, his dog which sat by the side of him startled me by getting up a little and I giggled. He thanked me. He was sitting down and and huddled under sleeping blankets. It was like 5 degrees out and windy. I remember the issue was on Craig David and I flipped through it and giggled at the the classified ad I found at the back. Later in the night, we watched 3 Idiots (which I highly recommend to everyone).

Today I walked by the spot and there was a little sign stuck onto a tree nearby his spot. The sign said, RIP Big Issue Seller, Dermot. There were flowers laid against a tree.

I almost cried there and then. It pains me to think of how he possibly could have died.

I saw a large lost looking dog digging through the Garbage at the Quaker Friend's House later. I could swear it was his dog.

I feel incredibly overwhelmed coming back to reality. The holiday with my parents was great, and I was effectively operating on autopilot for the past one and a half weeks, but now I find myself suddenly thrust back into Adulthood and Exams and I feel overwhelmed, like there is so much to do but I don't know how to do it. I wish I could have gone back to Singapore with my parents. I don't think I'm very good with the whole growing up thing. Or being alone for that matter.

I feel terrible again, and I want to go and stay home.