Cirupabarrupptai:
telling the chieftain a travelogue of the heart

I won't fear love.
I won't fear love.

Hearts I have broken
and hands and words that have broken mine.
The only strangers here
are the ones I already know.

I won't fear love.
I won't fear love.

- From the Iyari by Sharanya Manivannan

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This morning I woke up from a rather restless sleep to see the sky dripping away and the sky awash with grey. My first thought was "oh thank goodness, it's a Sunday... (and somewhere at the back of my mind thinking no one got wet for founder's day)" and then a minute later I realised it was still Saturday and everyone was wet, and I was still sniffling in bed.

For some reason I felt strangely inspired by the weather and a feeling of peace within me (it must be the sleep I'm getting now) and finally decided to open by the chapbook I bought from Books Actually last year. I had been wandering in some distant corner of the shop near the James Joyce pencils and had found the little book wedged between some other obscure poets, selling for $12. I felt so afraid it would crumble in these tiny white sweaty palms of mine and had to set it down to rest every few minutes while waiting for Nicholas and Daryl (dear Alchemist! You must go there sometime if you haven't been there already).

For months I refused to touch it, because I felt like it was some precious jewel which should only be read with a clear mind and heart to fully appreciate it. And then I read it today, which isn't very special at all. I should have read it yesterday. Yesterday was a special day because it happens once every 4 years. March 1st isn't special at all. Oh dear.

But I completely digress. Her blog is wonderful and she even has a story there for reading which I find myself drawn to.

Oh dear, thinking about the great amount of work that rather impatiently awaits me makes me feel un-peaceful now. Maybe I should go watch another film later, like Annie Hall (but I don't like Woody Allen. I don't like anyone who cheats on their partners or the third parties involved, which is why I don't like Scarlett Johanson, Sienna Miller, Jude Law, Brad Pitt and even *gasp!* Angelina Jolie [to an extent, I don't think anyone could really 100% dislike her]). I also watched Dial M for Murder yesterday and Hitchcock's use of shadows really impressed me (I'm not sure why I'm even saying this, I'm not qualified to be some kind of film critic in any way, I just noticed it and observed it throughout the film - it made me think of a stage setting for a play).

Hot pancakes for lunch beckon! (I don't know, my dad's sudden spontaneous idea which I had no part in at all, but get to reap the benefits)

Oh Bananas, you poor thing. (I can safely say this is inspired by the recurring Banana blog layout I keep seeing on wordpress, the latest belonging to Yihang - that and the fact that I am once more drugged out of my mind)

From being abused by religion fundamentalists, to being used in strange sex education classes (if hollywoood is to be believed) and to being the most 'joke' fruit that exists and finally a fruit that I have I abused in my rather short career as being a 'honey trap' (Chun Wui's words, not mine). I actually do like Bananas, they're supposed to be good for the stomach and they're filling, in addition to being easy to peel since I am really lazy. I refuse to, however, drink banana milk. That just sounds plain nasty, and banana juice? Since when did the banana contain enough water to even be converted into a drink?

Okay I think I'm really far too drowsy for coherent thought (as if I wasn't incoherent enough when I'm not drugged) and should stop now before this ends up as some strange post about nothing in particular.

In other news, look for JMFH's torrents if you're in the mood for some good indie rock - I have started not long ago to finally listen to his Jan 2006 list and am absolutely blown away by how good this selection is (I refuse to listen to the Fall Out Boy on his list though).

K, I'd better go off now before I get more irrelevant.

Once again I find myself sick and sniffling away, brain addled by the drowsy effect of drugs taken 17 hours ago and senses strangely sharp yet blunted at the same time.

I blame the air conditioning yesterday, which was on full blast and resulted in many of us with dry throats and the sniffles, and to quote Nic, "Was fucking cold". Environmentally-friendly, ACSI is most certainly not.

Yesterday I also decided, rather spontaneously, to give blood (I just hope whoever get my blood doesn't fall sick with the flu too, I asked my doctor just now and he said it should be okay, but there is always that lingering though in my head). I ignored all the calls for people to collect consent forms in the week(s?) preceding the event. I 'ignored' various people asking me if I was going to donate blood. I ignored Cielo hopping around during recess in the SAC and her refusal to drink coffee, and somehow when I met a rather anxious Anne in class before Sir Reverse Weeaboo came in, I decided to go donate blood with her.

I'm really afraid of needles. I'm absolutely terrified of pain. I was partly relieved that I had done so much damage to my right foot that a surgery where I'd be knocked out was required, because I didn't want to be conscious when the doctor did shit to my foot. So them, somewhere down the line, good intentions and a constant want to conquer my fears managed to overcome my fear of needles and pain.

When the lady poked my finger in order to test the iron content, I felt like I was 4 again, having stapled my finger while playing 'teacher' on day. Afterwards I was left with a ringing pain in my finger, and that spot is most sensitive today - more than the actual needle hole. Thank goodness for Cielo who kept me distracted by talking to me when the lady was poking me.

I guess the overall experience wasn't so bad? It was mostly psychological, and I have Han An, Tricia and Sarah to thank for helping distract me during the entire thing, especially Tricia who talked to me when the lady was preparing my arm/poking the needle in. Afterwards those three came every 30 seconds, independent of each other, to check on how the blood was clotting. I kept giggling when that happened. Afterwards Sarah bundled me up with a purple band with the words 'GIVE BLOOD' subtly printed on top and I returned to class.

My mother keeps saying the reason I fell sick was because I gave blood yesterday, which I highly doubt. Even so, if my sickness can help someone, then I don't mind it so much. Besides, I got to skip a rather useless day today and sleep for 12 hours (which is a luxury I've not had in years).

Sigh.

It's no use finding ways to be happy,
If this happiness is able to be destroyed so easily.

Or perhaps it was never there to begin with,
Merely a brief respite to keep from doing any further action.

I wish I was stronger mentally, in more ways than one.

I have a sudden strange urge to go out and buy a hamster (it shall be grey, for I like grey) just so I can use it for the upcoming Biology experiment on respiration.

But then again I had a strange urge last week to let go of Saoirse and watch her fall 5 stories down into the rather disgusting looking pseudo swamp, possibly killing one of the fishes inside while killing everything in her hard drive.

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For once in a long while, it seems that for the English test we had today, most people opted to do the Prose. Out of habit, stubbornness and training drilled in by Miss Bong from over two years ago, I chose to do the Poem - which was literally a mindfuck but not a mindfuck at the same time. Oh dear. I really hope I do alright for it, my English essays have been most dreadful as of late, paining me greatly.

Sigh I really don't feel like doing any work. I'm starting to feel vaguely burnt out again even though I have hardly done anything substantial as of late. I would write a list out of the things bugging me now, but I think it would only serve to make me feel worse at the thought of such a great load, neatly laid out >.<

Oh dear, the weekend is over once again and I am STILL STUCK ON FUCKING TOK.

God I hate TOK.

It's one of the few things that really depresses me nowadays, the feeling of being stuck and chained to something with no way out in sight (no, not doing it and failing does not count as a way) and forcing the mind to conform to something which it is unable to. God, I hate TOK.

Another thing that also serves to give me copious amounts of distress is the thought that people close to me (that I of course, do care about greatly) are in bouts of melancholy and/or depression. Sometimes I try telling myself that there is nothing to do but for me to be there for them, and listen, that I have my own life to live too - but there is always this constant feeling of guilt lingering about that I should be sad too, which then leads to me being sad as well. It's not like I'm really happy either, it's more like I-find-no-real-reason-to-be-sad rather than I-find-no-reason-to-be-happy.

My life feels fairly vacuous as of now (and the past few days) with feelings that aren't really feelings and days melding into days will little differentiation. It would be far too much to hope, or even believe, even once, that someone will come and take me out of all of this and fill up my life again.

I suddenly feel very selfish. Is it really selfish to intend wish for something for yourself with only yourself in mind even if someone else might benefit too? I don't know. I'm speaking fairies and burning cauldrons again.

I saw a dead rat on the outside of my neighbour's house.

I was surprised to see it, it being almost the same colour as the tarmac on the road - grey pink paws and grey furry body and grey underbelly facing upwards. I stopped and stared at it for a few minutes as cars zoomed by the main road.

I suddenly feel very scared.

Nowadays I always find myself searching for something or someone, scanning vast expanses of soul(s?) (I think I like the letter 'S' very much, even though sibilance is supposed to indicate something rather sinister), sometimes finding but always never quite finding whatever this rather pointless goal of mine is (which is much ado about nothing).

I count ten words that start with an 'S' in that above paragraph.

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Today was a rather pointless day.

Sir Reverse Weeaboo popped into class in the morning to inform us that he would be away for both TOK and English (which kinda made no difference since he would let us do TOK/world lit during that time anyway), so that left me with close to 3 hours of nothing-ness. I did do work on Saoirse, but after a while I got frustrated with my TOK presentation since I have no clear idea what I want to say (er, this seems to happen pretty often to me) but in my heart I do know what I want to say. I suppose from heart-to-mouth the words bounce around my insides and collide against various arterial walls and slide into alveoli, all bubbly and somewhere up the trachea they get stuck to the mucus lining.

It's a little like missed words that fail to reach the ears of their intended targets. They feel like heavy arrows floating in the air between the two souls, thick and jarring - and even more uncomfortable for those who hear it but aren't the intended recipient. (Oh I do digress alot!)

So all in all today I had a short lesson with Kenneth Huang for Economics and a Biology Practical which really wasn't a Biology practical (and for once my hypochondria came in useful!). Then after school a few of us stayed back to watch part 1 of King Lear with Laurence Oliver, their thick accents mingled with olde englishe and really bad sound quality lulled me to sleep rather quickly, Gen too. Most remarkably, most of the people stayed towards the end to watch the screening.

Dinner was at the grandma's, to celebrate the Chinese Valentine's Day. My Primary One cousin, Matthew, has taken on some new strange urge to pluck his eyebrows when he is bored. When I last saw him on Saturday, he had like 30% eyebrows left. Today, when he greeted me as I waited for the gate to open, he had 0% eyebrows. On closer inspection (on the advice from his dad), he was also missing 30% eyelashes. This kid is quickly getting to be even more eccentric than I am!

I blame my uncle and his OCD tendencies, just like I blame my dad for making me very weird and very anxious.

123 Meme

1. Pick up the nearest book (of at least 123 pages).
2. Open the book to page 123.
3. Find the fifth sentence.
4. Post the next three sentences.
5. Tag five people.

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Truth be told, the book I'm reading now by Casanova doesn't even have 123 pages. It has 110. What makes it worse is that it wasn't even the closest book to me at the time I read Daryl's post - that was Allott's Biology for the IB Diploma Guide. (So that means I cheated twice! Oh no.)

So instead I'm using Charles D'Ambrosio's' The Dead Fish Museum, of which I have read 2 of the short stories contained within (so I counts as something I'm still reading - right?).

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'"I haven't had a period in two years."

She turned over one of the pamphlets.

Seeing the baby's inconsolable face reminded Kirsten of a song her foster mother used to sing, but while the melody remained, the lyrics were dead to her, because merely thinking of this mother meant collaborating in a lie and everything in it was somehow corrupted. Words to songs never returned to Kirsten readily - she had to think hard just to recall a Christmas carol.

"Little babies like that one," she said, "they'll scream all the time."'

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People I tag (er?): Nicholas, Kaijun, Suat, JLC.

I honestly have no idea who else read books and this blog as well >.<

Oh God (pun intended perhaps?), I LOL-ed like hell at The Bastard Fairies' video for We're All Going to Hell. Listening to the lyrics was amusing enough by itself - but the video is made of win. I thought of Mitt Romney when watching the beginning bit, funnily enough (instead of Huckabee, but he is too cute in a little-boy-who-has-a-name-that-cannot-be-taken-seriously way).

Most disturbingly I have been told (or rather have seen actually ): ) that some year 5 girl from MGS looks like me! Wtf. Not cool man, not cool. I don't quite believe I have ever seen her before in my life, though admittedly I looked even worse that I do now when I was in MGS (you can look at my Facebook pictures should you wish to). WORSE: Daryl, someone I consider a good friend, almost went up to her to talk, thinking she was me -_______-

I think it's bad enough I look the way I do, without someone actively present for further comparisons to be drawn. Urgh, today is JAE, would it be really bad for me to wish she gets dispatched off to somewhere else? Like perhaps ACJC or RJC or something. And speaking of JAE, I hope no one particularly unpleasant that I am vaguely familiar with comes to my school.

Oh wow, I just saw her blog, she got posted to ACJC *does a little dance*. Okay, now I hope that her other compatriots didn't make it in. Good girl, please don't appeal, follow your heart, like it says on your blog.

And hmm... I don't think I can ever quite approve of people clubbing, much less underaged people clubbing >.<

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Edit: I am finally listening to The Pierces properly (album: Thirteen Tales of Love and Revenge), and damn, I missed listening to them properly when I really felt that way last year and they were sitting around relatively un-listened in my itunes. Apparently they were featured on Gossip Girl too, so while they do deserve the publicity, I feel like :/ (I hope this isn't Feist, Paramore, Panic! and OK Go all over again)

This is the third time I've edited this post.

The ant bite on the back of my knee is really itchy.

I need more excitement in my life, this panel from Questionable Content stayed in my mind the entire weekend and I kept getting squee-ey over it! It's just nice watching someone fall in love I suppose, even if they exist only on paper. Better than whatever I have now - which is nothing! Aha.

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1) Google keeps saying I have some sort of virus or spybot ): It keeps messing up all Google-related sign-in applications. Argh.

2) I am addicted to Via Audio's Harder On Me, because it sounds like Hello Stranger's Take it to the Maxx for some reason. And because I can't get my hands on Hello Stranger (as of yet!) I am listening to Via Audio as if it's some sort of proxy. They are still however, a wonderful band.

3) I should post what happened when I lost my wallet last week, and then my watch, and etc, but urgh no time (either work or mindless wanderings around Etsy). I have quite a few pieces of major work to clear this week, in addition to a Biology test on Wednesday. O woe is I.

Okay three is a nice number. Goodnight.

Oh Lord, just as I resisted the huge urge to lie and say someone stole my IC & $50 (long story, long blog post when I get around to it) I end up lying for something else -_______-

In the meantime, my upper back (which mysteriously started yesterday), hurts like hell. I can't think of a possible trigger at all.

I've Lost My Voice

Oh wow, I have just realised that Sondre Lerche (seen here in Phantom Punch) is awfully cute. I used to just listen to his music and look at the album covers without much interest in the guy on the cover, but wow wow wow, he looks wonderfully gorgeous in that music video... and I'm going to see him live at the Mosaic Fest on March 14 (provided nothing really strange and bad happens to me, like say breaking another glass door)! Wooooo!

I'm really spending a pile on the Mosaic Fest. I wanted to go for the Bird & the Bee but it was 18+ which is ridiculous because my birthday is in the following week! I'm not even interested in the alcohol they're offering (which is why it's 18), can't I just forfeit the drink and wear some tag saying DON'T SELL ALCOHOL TO ME?

Anyway I have tickets for BSS and Múm and hopefully Sondre if Jia Hui has gotten the tickets already (I don't know why but whenever I think of Sondre Lerche, I think he looks like Lex, but sorry Lex! He looks 100x hotter) and part of me can't wait. However there's still 4 more weeks of the dratted school to be done with, and I hope I make it out alive! (EE, TOK, IAs, please don't kill me now)

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For some reason during Econs I noticed that my tongue felt funny, like it was sore in one strange spot on the right side of my tongue. When I went into the loo to look at my tongue in the mirror, I noticed there was one tiny little circle (like the size of a .) of tongue? skin? wtf? cell sticking out, about 1/4 of it hanging on for dear life (actually it's probably already dead) and still attached to my tongue.

When I push my tongue forward in my mouth, I can almost feel that little flap lift up and the sore spot feels tender in my mouth - how disconcerting! When I move my tongue backwards I feel the flap lift up and cover the spot again so it's less tender and less distracting. How strange, I don't recall feeling it during break when I was eating, nor during Biology which was the next period (and right before Econs).

Blah Econs test tomorrow >.<

I really need less controversial subject matters for my History topics because I tend to get emotionally involved so I either get unspeakably outraged and feel like strangling people (with good reason, not strange Cielo reasons) or utterly depressed by how despicable things are.

Yes my IA sucks, I know that already - there is no need to further comment on it.

I am starting to have the distinct feeling that I will never quite feel good enough for anything.

In other news: History IA makes me feel slightly psychotic.

And Cielo, my head still hurts >:(

Every ten year-old enemy soldier
Thinks falling bombs are shooting stars sometimes
But she doesn’t make wishes on them
When she wishes, she wishes for less ways to wish for
More ways to work toward it
Ten year-old enemy soldier
Our falling bombs are her shooting stars.

This might not look very cute now, but the Pleiosaur looked cuter in the movie. That's right I spent my day watching 1) The Doraemon movie 2) Vanuatu-ians (er?) running in three legged races with Japanese primary school kids and 3) random Taiwanese gameshow which had people performing randomly like spinning Chinese tops and dogs dancing. I also had a headache mid-way and slept a little at someone's house, I'm not sure of my relation to him/her.

I really dislike visiting >.<

I've been getting a lot of headaches recently, not the painful-knock-you-over-blind kind, but the I-feel-like- my-head-is-being-squeezed-and-I-don't-like-it sort. I find it puzzling because previously they used to come about from:

1) Lack of sleep - but I've been sleeping a lot recently, and feeling very tired to boot. I have no idea why, but it can't be from lack of sleep! I've been getting more than 6 hours this week and the past week too.
2) Weather - It is dreadfully hot out there, but I have been hiding in relatively climate-controlled-and-climate-damaging air conditioning at a comfortable 25 degrees Celcius (actually my air conditioning sucks so it's probably closer to 27/28 degrees), so that can't be it either!
3) Stress - I am always stressed, but less so this week and other times! Just now I stared at my World Lit outline and an opened OpenOffice.org writer (I really need Microsoft Word, help help!) and I didn't know how to start. I gave up and went to read Middlemarch again (yes I am still reading it, I read in chunks of the various 'books' within. I vow to finish it before the middle of March [yes I know that's a terrible pun, but I said it anyway]!)

I hope you're feeling better Suat >.<

My head feels light once more and I feel lots of random thoughts start flying into my head! I saw random things too, today, like:

1) Minnen Lejon in Ikea

2) Fuckbar in Ikea

3) Did you know out of 33 keyboards in Ikea's computer/study displays, 32 have pencil markings meticulously drawn on them, labeling the keys with A-Z and etc?

4) I saw a guy on the bus that looked like Mel Chandy (I think that's his name) and had the body of Ben Soh. He had very big eyes. I couldn't stop looking at him because I felt so weirded out by how incongruous everything seemed. Maybe I was hallucinating again.

5) I hallucinated when I was out with Daryl and Ted Kin at Borders last week. Daryl and I were in the CD section and I was looking at a disc when I thought Ted Kin came over and asked me where Daryl was (I also saw his figure dressed in the white & blue uniform out of the corner of my eye). Without looking up, I pointed towards Daryl and said, "there" and 'Ted Kin' went off. Later when I met Daryl I asked, "where is Ted Kin?". Daryl thought he heard Ted Kin too - but when we went back to the Sports section he was still there reading one of his Muay Thai books.

6) This list is no longer about today.

7) I feel tired, I don't know why. Logically I've been getting a lot of sleep, so I shouldn't be tired!

8) My dad thinks I don't know what 'oncological' means. Firefox doesn't recognise it as a word either.

9) My defense mechanism has finally kicked in. What was ACJC-mania is 2006 is now Oxford-mania in 2008. Just like how I never did make it to ACJC in the end, I might not make it to Oxford - but a goal it is! (16.2% admission rate, oh I do feel dizzy thinking about it)

10) Last week Steph, Kaijun, Mong and I were doodling in Arjun's diary. I doodled on 14th Feb without realising any significance and Steph was "Hey! Don't you realise what day that is?" and my reply was "Uh, one day before Civil Defense Day?"

11) There is a beef dish in The Coffee Club that looks wonderfully good: Chong Wee and I were eying it yesterday, but it was far too close to dinner.

12) I really need to volume adjust Sondre Lerche on Middlemarch II. His songs kill my ears because for some reason they are exceptionally loud.

I still feel strange. I am very strange.

My doctor probably knew what the hell he was talking about when he told me to go out with friends more often >.<

I feel a little bit like this now:
I don't like feeling like this.

I hope it passes soon.

I don't like feeling that way at all.