Oh dear, the weekend is over once again and I am STILL STUCK ON FUCKING TOK.

God I hate TOK.

It's one of the few things that really depresses me nowadays, the feeling of being stuck and chained to something with no way out in sight (no, not doing it and failing does not count as a way) and forcing the mind to conform to something which it is unable to. God, I hate TOK.

Another thing that also serves to give me copious amounts of distress is the thought that people close to me (that I of course, do care about greatly) are in bouts of melancholy and/or depression. Sometimes I try telling myself that there is nothing to do but for me to be there for them, and listen, that I have my own life to live too - but there is always this constant feeling of guilt lingering about that I should be sad too, which then leads to me being sad as well. It's not like I'm really happy either, it's more like I-find-no-real-reason-to-be-sad rather than I-find-no-reason-to-be-happy.

My life feels fairly vacuous as of now (and the past few days) with feelings that aren't really feelings and days melding into days will little differentiation. It would be far too much to hope, or even believe, even once, that someone will come and take me out of all of this and fill up my life again.

I suddenly feel very selfish. Is it really selfish to intend wish for something for yourself with only yourself in mind even if someone else might benefit too? I don't know. I'm speaking fairies and burning cauldrons again.