Too Much Sleep

I'm doing it again, I'm sleeping waaaaay too much. Too much to the point that it gets bad because I feel all lethargic and half awake. Problem is when I wake up for the first time, usually around 8am, I think about what I need to do for the day - and it's usually not terribly exciting at all - and so I lie there and zone out. Then I fall back to sleep and wake up again at either 10:30am or 11am and I feel funny all over because I've gone and slept too much, and now I don't feel refreshed at all. Gosh.

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I'm back at the Helfriches' again, for the second week in a row. There's something comforting about this place as I suppose as even though it's not my home, it is a home I'm familiar with. There are people and cats around, so I don't feel lonely, and there's lots of space for me to stretch out around. This week I even brought over boxes of tea that I ordered online from Stash Tea, enabling me to enjoy a proper morning cuppa (no more tastes-of-paper-tea bag-tea!). I should be content, I should be happy, but I cannot help but feel that something is missing.

Last night I skyped my Mama. About a week ago, my Dad bought her an ipad, probably to cheer her up after her knee replacement operation. Since then she's been trying to get it to work. Yesterday night on my parent's prompting, I called her. What was alarming and unusual however, was that after she asked if I was OK, she started crying. I could hear her voice crack and hear her choke up, and that made me feel more sad than anything on earth. It made me want to shout "SCREW THIS" and hop on a plane back to Singapore, and snuggle up to her again. After all, it isn't like I've figured out exactly what I'm doing here.

Unlike my undergrad where I knew I was meant to be, doing masters is a whole different kettle of fish. I feel less certain about what I'm doing, and more scared about what this means for my future working life. I keep thinking about what I've chosen, and if its close enough to what I want to achieve in life. But then of course I've led to the question of what it IS I want to achieve in life. Ideally it's a career where I can both do policy/academic research, and still teach a few classes, which sounds an awful lot like academia. And I want to work in a terribly specific field too - using past historical conflicts as a basis to teach students/THE WORLD about peace and avoidance of war. Aye aye aye. Am I barking up the wrong tree?

In other news, I have a dehydrated headache now.

Skin Tones

Realised just now in the shower that my skin appears to be 3 different tones. The lightest tone is in spots of my body where the sun has never shone, an intermediary one from when I went to the beach with my parents in May (swimsuit tan lines still visible and all), and the darkest shade from my adventures of the past 3 weeks in Romania (probably very slightly only) and NYC (probably the biggest contributor).

After typing this, I will get ready and I will get out of my room and I will go somewhere there are people and study. 

Room 729

Towards the end of last week I received an email from the Residential Office offering me alternative accommodation at a different dormitory for US$7,900 a term. Needless to say I turned them down, as it meant paying US$1,500 a month vs. US$1,000 a month for my present (but totally unideal) room. So today (when I came back after fleeing to New Jersey again for the weekend), I started unpacking properly. Now there is only an unpacked box and luggage at one side of my room, a vast improvement from before when there were more unpacked luggages.

Other differences compared to last week:

1) The kitchen taps no longer function - I had to go to the supermarket to buy a gallon jug of water because I refused to use the taps in the toilet to fill up my water jug

2) 'New' cushion for my chair - appropriated from the Helfrich household to spare my bum from aches on the hard desk chair

3) Weather is now much more pleasant and cool - hooray for Fall approaching!

4) Changed the backgrounds on my phone - took me several tries to get the right background

5) Reading On Beauty by Zadie Smith - versus The Unnamed by Joshua Ferris 

Some things the same as last week:

1) Feeling homesick and lonely

2) Walking blocks because I feel homesick and lonely

3) Reading books which make me think of my present circumstances

4) Easting stupidly overpriced (at least in my opinion) Asian food for dinner

5) Skyping family because I feel homesick and lonely

I know I should totally seize the opportunity to get out! and make friends! but I honestly don't know how to do the last one. And I do go out. Today I explored Broadway (from W. 123rd to W. 101st), and popped into every single Duane Reade on the way (3? 4? I forget) to search for a particular make up brand because I had nothing else better to do. Only thing is, with every happy person I saw socialising on the street, I wanted to run up to them with a CV typed up of my best Friend Attributes and beg them to adopt me. Or hold up a sign saying "BEFRIEND ME! I'M PRETTY AWESOME!". 

I'm so not a fan of big unfriendly cities.

A Round up of Romanian Castles

Tonight, I will spend my first night in my dorm room. I feel uncomfortable because I don't know anyone around me, have no idea how to meet anyone (knock on doors?), am still stuck on the male side of the dorm (which means I can't fully unpack in case a female room opens), and am missing rubbish like pillows and shampoo because the bloody mail room is closed (work on Sundays goddamn it!). Meanwhile I find my anxiety going through the roof (ahaha, of course) as I start to panic and do my best to avoid Bad Dark Thoughts and be Optimistic Instead.

I really just feel like running all the way back to my Aunt's place in New Jersey.

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Romania has 5 main touristy castles/fortresses: Bran Castle (most closely associated with the Dracula legend), Peles Castle (beautiful, but more like a palace), Rasnov Fortress, Corvin Castle and Fargaras Fortress. Of these, the first 2 are most well known, and the last two, the least well known, which doesn't make much sense.

Bran Castle
- The number #1 tourist attraction in Romania, and extremely touristy
- Very very crowded
- Restored, but very bare
- Minimal English historical write ups available

Peles Castle
- Very beautifully decorated, and very dramatic
- Set in a lovely forested area
- Open only select days and timings
- Historically used only as a summer home, so not much historical significance
- No English write ups at all (cause it wasn't open!)

Rasnov Fortress
- Largely unrestored, and accessible either by walking up the hill or by taking a tractor-train ride
- Almost zero historical information in English
- Filled with touristy shops - it was more like a bazaar

Corvin Castle
- In the midst of being restored
- Poor surroundings, it's in the middle of a rotting industrial zone (???)
- Very spectacular and breathtaking, it rises out like a formidable behemoth, with it's wooden bridge and all
- Again, minimal English write up, majority of it was in Romanian

Fargaras Fortress
- Not a very popular tourist attraction, and massively underrated
- Had the best English write ups, museum, and restoration
- Amazing, well fortified, visitors are able to walk all over with almost no restrictions
- Least crowded and most comfortable of all the castles and fortresses
- Even houses the local library, so it serves a purpose in the community

In sum, of all of the castles and fortresses we visited, I loved and enjoyed Fargaras the most.

A Student Again

In slightly over a week (a Wednesday I think), I will be starting life again as a new student, about 5 years after I first entered university as an undergraduate. As I think about this from the room I'm staying in with my parents in Sibiu, Romania, I cannot help but feel apprehensive and yet excited. For the past few days I've been travelling with my parents in Romania, and it's been great because I got to both see a nice new place and spend quality time with them. On the other hand now that our trip is drawing to an end (in just 3 more nights, counting this 1!), I'm starting to feel anxious again.

I'm feeling anxious because:
- Oh God I've got a chance again to make something bigger out of my life...
- But what if nothing comes out of it?
- Will I find long-lasting happiness out of this?
- What's my next path in life?
- I'm leaving my very very cosy comfort zone

My thoughts seemed a lot more beautifully drawn out when I was thinking in the shower. Then I came out and started typing away, my father saw me writing and started mocking me (as he always does) and someone turned on the TV. I guess one thing good about leaving home and them is I'll have more time and peace to think proper thoughts, provided I don't spend too much time brooding by myself.

12 Angry Men

Just finished watching 12 Angry Men while eating dinner, and it was amazing. With my brother alternating between curling up on the couch behind me and bouncing around, I spooned rice and chicken into my mouth with my eyes peeled to the screen. I love how the script was tight and the run time of the film was a manageable 1hr and 30mins, unlike many movies that are out in the market nowadays. One of the biggest problems I have with watching movies on my computer/not in a cinema is that I find myself getting restless and distracted by other things during slow parts, which was not the case for this film at all. Definitely recommend. 

I Must Nap Less

It's been almost a week since I've stopped working and I'm already bored. I've ended up spending almost every single afternoon napping and I'm all napped out, but I nap because I'm bored and feel sleepy in the warm afternoons when I'm huddled in my room and reading a book. I've already polished off Jonathan Franzen's Freedom and Jon Ronson's The Psychopath Test, along with a graphic novel called Depresso. Today I even walked around the library in Clementi like an idiot because I had nothing else better to do, before realising I was just wasting mere seconds when I had whole hours to while away. Gosh.

In the past week I have: 
- Stopped work and said goodbye to all my classes
- Fucked up taking the bus twice (once missing a stop when I was with Gail and once boarding the wrong bus [!!!!!!!] while trying to rush to work on Sat - my last day of work)
- Watched two NT Live screenings at the Esplanade: Frankenstein and The Audience
- Mixed up the timings for Frankenstein (7pm, not 7:30pm!)
- Gone for a spa with Tiffany (fun and relaxing, but I need thinking of the baby cockroaches running around the jacuzzi now)
- Been to the Esplanade Library again to borrow more DVDs (12 Angry Men, I've Loved You For So Long and The Story of Adele H)
- Bought 5 books from Kinokuniya (or maybe it was 6?)
- Had 2 wisdom teeth extracted
- Watched I've Loved You for So Long and Barking Dogs Don't Bite
- Finished a cross stitch I was working on for my Mother's birthday present
- Visited the Gastroenterologist
- Accidentally got a quickie $10 haircut when I was looking for a proper hairdresser
- Bought clothes from Uniqlo
- Art Jammed with Shu Wen (she painted Paddington, me some random landscape)
- Had lunch with Mama at Imperial Jade
- Went to NTUC to buy last bit of food supplies
- Finished packing 2 boxes for shipping to my dorm
- Finished marking all the things for my Saturday classes
- Picked up the framed cross stitch to give to my Mum

In a little bit I'm going to leave to go deliver the worksheets to my ex-workplace in Buona Vista, and grab dinner with Ianthe afterwards. I suppose I'm bored because I never really know what to do with myself even when I have a just the slightest bit of down time, especially after having had my time sucked up by work for the last two years, which is quite bad really. Nevermind, it's only one more week till I leave with my family to travel in Romania. 

Oh And...

...I failed my Practical Driving Test and spent the rest of the day (18 July) half bawling my eyes out and half moping. Even now thinking about it makes me feel testy. I do not want to think about it. Urgh.

Last Tuesday of Teaching

Today was my last class with my tiny Sec 1 IP class. As usual only one person turned up (I don't think I've had more than two people together in that class for weeks), and it happened to be my favourite one (terrible how teachers have favourites eh?). J is a good kid that's pretty bright and quick on the uptake, plus I had solo sessions with him so often that we were used to it by now. Even after class had ended he lingered for a while, talking about random things, which I appreciated. I guess that's his way of trying to drag out our last moments together, which made me smile.

After work I went to Courts today and finally bought a new camera. I realised to my utter horror last week when I had my last lesson with my P4 students on Wednesday that the camera wasn't working properly. Every picture came out horrendously dark ): I had already noticed it when I was on holiday with my parents in Boracay, but hadn't realised just how bad it was until it was too late. Urgh. So I went off today and bought a Canon IXUS 140 for to replace the old family camera. I'm still not convinced it's the best I could have bought, but my Mum was adamant that I buy either a Canon or a Nikon. In other news earlier today I bought a camera for my own personal use (Lumix LF1) from Lazada. I really really REALLY hope I actually get my camera and not some empty box :x but at $310, a savings of $190, the risk seems worth it. Fingers crossed.

In other news I wandered about town with Daryl and Chong Wee on Sunday. We met for Brunch at Park, where I finally got to try the Tiramisu Pancakes, and then we headed off to tramp about the city area. We started at Raffles Place, playing with the swings, and then walked to Victoria Theatre, taking a stop at Fullerton Hotel along the way. I don't think I've managed to walk about so freely in a long time, feeling free and excited to explore my surroundings. It did get however, bloody hot after a while. In the end we parted after exploring Victoria Theatre and I headed off to the Esplanade Library to borrow DVDs.

I ended up borrowing:
1) Finding Mr Destiny (Purposely Daft Korean Rom-Com)
2) Kolya (Touchingly Funny Academy Award Winner)
3) The In-Laws (Slapstick '70s Comedy)
4) Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure (Time Travelling Stoner-like Flick?)
5) The Flowers of Evil (Some French Dark Comedy)
6) Barking Dogs Never Bite (Some Japanese Dark Comedy)

As it stands I've already watched the first three, all with my Mum incidentally, and she liked them all. The last three I'm not sure if she'd like, so I decided to save them for another time. I cannot emphasise how much I love the Esplanade's DVD lending library. My tax dollars (all $500 of it) at good work baby!

7 Jalan Harom Setangkai

I spent my formative years growing up in 7 Jalan Harom Setangkai. It was the family home that my grandparents had bought in the late '70s as an investment for them and their 3 children, and it became my home from 1997 to 2001. Around 1997, my parents decided they couldn't afford to pay the mortgage on our current house, so they decided swallow their pride and move back to my grandparent's place. The move made sense, after all my grandparents now had 3 free rooms because all their adult children had moved out, and at 7 I was an absolute pest about being separated from my grandmother. We ended up staying there till end of 2001 (I don't remember moving during the school year), so I spent a good chunk of my childhood in that place, and it definitely left a strong impression on me.

Living in that house as a chid was great. My grandparents were always around during the day time (OK, not great when my grandmother came after me to study) and there were lots of area to play around in. There was the old wooden bar which was a massive dust bomb because the maid completely ignored it - felty green carpet and all, the staircase landing in the middle that had its own little window and curtain - which was excellent for playing 'house' in, and the large garden complete with all sorts of plants and trees. The house was also filled with all sorts of odd knick knacks. I once found movie film canisters in my grandparent's room [see: second floor, area on bottom right labelled 'junk'] sitting next to a rusting treadmill, and I would play with the wood shavings and various substances my dad would use for his luthier hobby out on the back balcony. Fruit season was fun too, because the rambutan tree always blossomed like crazy, and there were always rambutans to eat.

I have many memories associated with that place, all of them warm and fuzzy, from a time where I was less anxious and less scared of everything. Thinking about it makes me feel happy and safe, but it also makes me feel a little sad because I know that the 7 Jalan Harom Setangkai I remember only exists in my recollections. After we moved out in 2001, the house was completely torn down and rebuilt, then my grandparents sold it and the new owner decided to rebuild the house from scratch (again! Ahaha).

Today after picking my grandparents up to go to lunch, we ended up driving past the old house. Of the entire row of houses along Jalan Harom Setangkai, number 7 was the only house that had been altered completely beyond recognition from my childhood. Still, I should be thankful that I have so many vivid and nice memories of my childhood home. 

Preliminary Reading

"In the Wealth of Nations, Adam Smith thought that the primary role of education in the eighteenth century was to compensate for the 'almost entire corruption and degeneracy of the great body of the people', that resulted from the mind-numbing jobs which most people were expected undertake in return for increased wages"- Introduction in Education, Globalisation and Social Change.

I giggled. Am not looking forward to work starting again tomorrow.

Today I saw Two Hubcaps

I don't know when I first learnt the word "hubcaps". I remember knowing it from a young age, and I seem to vaguely remember asking my Dad what it was when I was about 6, because I kept seeing the word in Archie comics. Several of the running gags in Archie comics involve Archie's sad jalopy that keeps failing, including a few which featured both the wheels and hubcaps flying off in the midst of being driven. Thankfully cars aren't actually like that.

Today I had yet another driving lesson. While driving around (we seemed to have moved on from parking to refining my road skills), I saw a hubcap lying about on a grassy kerb area. Later on the way home on 156, I saw yet another hubcap lying on a grassy area, this time pretty far from a road. Pretty odd to see two abandoned hubcaps in one day.

Random Things to Note, Lest I Forget

Met up with Rufus for brunch today at Holland Village. He brought along a friend, Boon Guan, whose name seemed familiar but whose face I couldn't place. No matter, we had a great brunch together at Breko. By the end of brunch I wanted to run off and rest my horribly winded lungs - we had talked so much that I felt like I couldn't speak anymore. I suppose that's one way to determine great meal partners.

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Last week we had a lesson on protecting the high seas. It was bits of climate change, pollution and overfishing all rolled up together in a ball of bad things. I decided to concentrate more on overfishing, because I didn't recall it being taught very much in school at all. All the bits I knew about Bad Fishing Styles and overfishing came from outside reading, so it wasn't till I pieced all my information together when I was planning my lesson that I finally realised how dire the whole situation is. As it is before that, I had already refused to touch pomfret because I know they're horribly overfished, but still kept chomping away on tuna and shark's fin.

Anyway, I had heard about dynamite fishing before, and set about trying to find some clips. Everytime I think of dynamite fishing, I cannot help but laugh blithely, because despite how incredibly destructive it is to the environment (which makes most people sober), the act itself seems to me so ridiculously over the top and overly aggressive that I cannot help but laugh. Bombing fish! That's like throwing a grenade to catch a rabbit. It's the stuff of movies like Naked Gun. Except it's real life, which makes it even funnier and sad at the same time, and so makes me laugh even more.

I ended up typing "dynamite fishing" into youtube (as you do), and realised that the first result given was possibly one of the most funniest things I have ever seen in my life. It wasn't until I watched it for the first time with audio with my students that I realised some parts of the clip has been dubbed over for comedic effect, which made the video even better.

It reminds me of Exploding Whale, which I saw a few years ago and absolutely loved:

Perhaps it's just because it's the perfect combination of things that makes me laugh: death, explosions, and black humour (though, what does this say about me as a person?)

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Today after dinner with my grandparents, they sent us back home. They took a different route from my parents and we ended up driving home via Old Holland Road. The last time my grandfather had been driving me along Old Holland Road was when I was still a student in MGS, probably circa 2006. He kept mentioning how he used to drive me, asking me if I remembered, and chuckling to himself. Then just as we turned the corner to enter Greenleaf Road, he asked me if I remembered how the wall of the house at the corner had collapsed, closing the road temporarily. I was quite amazed because it was EXACTLY what I was recalling just moments before, and made me feel a little warm and fuzzy inside. Ah, shared memories of other people's misfortune. 

So Close, So Far

Just watched So Close, So Far with Shu at the Iranian Film Fest. By a stroke of luck I manage to hop onto both 75 and 970 with minimal waiting and arrived home just before 12am, which is a great way to end the day, and put me in a more amiable mood to blog.

I liked the movie initially right until the last bit. I like foreign films that are slice-of-life, peeps into other worlds. The problem I find with this film was that towards the end it felt terribly improbable and depressing (unless 0.01% of every Iranian dies trapped in a sandstorm covered car), with some bits feeling a bit overacted and overwrought. It reminded me a bit of a Russian movie I had seen at the East End Film Festival years ago in 2010, which is still by the far the most depressing and bleak movie I have seen in my 24 years of existence. I remember running to the movie theatre from Stepney Green tube because the Hammersmith Line was delayed. I remember clocking the various fried chicken stores all over as I ran. I remember sitting in stunned silence when the movie came to the end because, WTF?!

Anyway I guess in comparison to that, the Iranian film was much less of a downer. It had some nice shots of Iran, which I really liked seeing, though the shots of the harsh desert landscape made me feel uncomfortable. Perhaps it's because I don't like the idea of being so utterly far from human life. True enough, that's how the main character dies (from being alone and trapped in the wilderness), confirming all my worse city-born stereotypical fears.

Have just started trying to select classes for the upcoming Fall Term, which makes me feel a bit better about things. Lately work has been overwhelming and (largely) unrewarding, which already makes for shit morale. Compounding the problem however is the fact that I know I am serving my resignation notice period, which makes me feel even less motivated, no matter how much I do love and care for my students. Although I know the lack of enthusiasm I feel now is only temporary, it still feels horrid. It makes me feel like pulling grumpy faces at the world. Talking to colleagues helps I suppose, because they understand exactly what nonsense I am talking about, and talking to Shu today over dinner helped too, because she feels similarly. Ah life and jobs.

Teary Eyes

Yesterday I made a silly mistake. I realised it mere moments after I made the error, and groaned inwardly at what a n00b error (for lack of a better word) it was. I had given out the coloured paper for Father's Day cards before I had finished all the work in class. As I walked out of class to grab the coloured paper, the thought of what a massive distraction it would be vaguely crossed my mind (for I am not that unaware), but then the thought of forgetting to give the paper out seemed worse. So while my students were still dutifully completing their full sentence corrections, I started to slowly distribute the paper only to see them jump out of their seats and clamour for their choice of paper colour. Oh dear.

Needless to say, the last Cloze Passage (on a dog nonetheless) was rushed through by the students as they eagerly awaited Arts-and-Crafts time. Which was just as well really because I felt utterly worn and exhausted yesterday. From 2 weeks ago I've been swamped at work with extra classes. The week of 27/5 to 31/5, I had 11 classes. The week of 3/6 to 7/6 I had 12 classes. This week I am back to 11 classes. I can only wonder what next week will bring.

Yesterday as well something interesting happened, which is that I walked into class and I was immediately greeted by a teary P4 student. My heart sank because I my mind ran amok of all the potential problems: Did someone bully him? Did an accident happen? Then, when he told me he fell down, I thought in horror that he had been injured In The Centre. The relief I felt when he told me he fell outside, in the carpark, was palpable.

I brought him to the office to get anti-septic cream. As we walked there, I noticed he seemed to be even more upset than I had initially realised. His voice was trembling, and he kept talking about how it hurt a lot and how he was in Great Pain (probably exaggerating). Rolling back the sleeve of his denim jacket, I realised he had a long scratch running down his left arm. As I dug around the first aid kit to find something that wouldn't set off his tears (read: alcohol swab) he started to look more and more worried. In the end I settled on letting him apply the anti-septic cream himself as he winced and got all teary, lest I be too rough and prompt a flurry of tears. Then we walked back to class and I told him an anecdote about how I had missed my English orals once because I was running around the quadrangle and fell badly, scraping my knees, and became utterly inconsolable until I was brought home. He seemed to perk up after that.

It's hard for me to quite describe how I felt at that moment as I led him down the hallway to the office, and looked into his worried teary eyes. I felt so terrible that he was sad, and felt that my heart would break if he cried. This was probably compounded by the fact that he's one of the students I am fond of, and a huge history buff like me. I wanted very much to give him a hug and say 'everything's going to be fine!', but I'm sure that would've been wildly inappropriate.

When we went back to class, the place was in uproar. His classmates were happily chatting away and I ended up shouting at them to finish writing their content page. Then one of female students happily started 'ZX stabbed himself! That's why he's hurt' and the whole class started to get very excited about ZX's injury, pestering him with silly questions. I ended up cutting in and telling another anecdote about the Most Embarrassing Fall I Have Ever Had - one where I slipped on an icy patch in LSE and fell on my rump next to a group of tourists admiring the Old Curiosity Shop - and they soon forgot about ZX and started doing their work. 

Glass Classrooms

As my teaching careers draws to a close (and when I have the time!), I start to think more and more about the job as a whole and the things I have learnt. I keep thinking to myself: I should write this all down, but the moment I get home I get distracted by something soothing and forget at all about it. This is especially made worse by the fact that I've re-discovered the time black hole that is Civilisation and have been playing it almost every night since last week Tuesday.

For the past few Fridays, I've been assigned to a glass classroom next to the staffroom. I call it a glass classroom because it is literally made of glass. Glass windows look out onto Thomson Road where you can see flags from several nations fluttering away, and the walls and door are made of glass, giving you a full-on view of the two adjoining classrooms (and the other way round too). I am not particularly fond of the classroom because it feels like I'm teaching in a fishbowl, plus you need to awkwardly walk through another classroom to enter it. That being said, it is near the toilets and the staffroom, so I can dash about easily. Still a classroom is a classroom, and I'm getting vaguely used to it.

Recently however, I've been feeling a bit stressed out about teaching there, namely because of the teacher next door. She's a senior teacher, and the lesson plans she shares during meetings always sound fantastic, plus her students always look so engaged and interested. Watching her from my classroom I feel inadequate as a teacher. I can't command such gravitas, summon up such energy and spunk, and plan my lessons as well as her. Even though I tell myself she has a good 10 years worth of experience on me, I still can't help but feel slightly despondent and wish for better for my students. Wish that they had a better teacher who could help them a lot more.

All things said and wished however, I know (for better or worse!) that my students are genuinely of me as a person and an individual, rather than me as a teacher - and I cannot help but wonder if it just might be a good thing, that they will learn empathy amongst other things from the time I've spent with them. Only time will tell I suppose, and I wouldn't trade my students for any other in the world.

Parallel Parking

Just finished a driving lesson and will have another one on Thursday. Today my instructor (a kindly old man that reminds me of my grandfather) told me that the next lesson, we'll begin parallel parking, because my reverse parking seemed to be good enough. Granted while I agree I have been making progress, I'm still not very confident in my reverse parking skills. Oh well. Still, I'm happy to be driving. It's quite fun gliding along roads, and not at all as stressful as I imagined.

A few weeks ago on a Friday, I sat for my final theory test and scored 50/50. I was quite overjoyed because well, I don't recall ever having scored full marks for any sort of test before. That and if I failed my final theory test, it'd be months before I could take it again. Owing to my magnificent procrastination skills, I managed to time the whole learning driving + test schedule so tightly that I really only have one chance to pass both the final theory test and the practical test if I want to get my driving license before I leave to start my Masters programme. Well, fingers crossed for 18th July.

In other news I am still sick. I fell ill some 2 weeks ago and somehow muddled through work with my throat all swollen before leaving for a family trip to Boracay, Philippines, where I fell even sicker (hello heat!). Now some 4 days after coming home from Boracay, I am still sick. This also means that every time (2 out of 2) I go to the Philippines, I fall sick before the trip and get more ill during the trip itself. Talk about unfortunate.

That being said, I quite loved Boracay. The first disastrous hotel aside, the rest of our trip was fantastic. Our second hotel was cheap, cheerful, and right by the beach. The beach on Boracay was incredible, and easily the best beach I've ever seen. Its waters were so blue and clean that it looked almost permanently photoshopped and the beaches were filled with white sand. The food there was tasty too. I was happy to eat Chicken Inasal again we made many trips to D'Talipapa, a seafood market, to eat dinner. We had the tastiest baked scallops there, mmm. I feel hungry just thinking of those scallops again.

Felt a bit sad to come back to Singapore and WORK, but on the way home I was reading Marie Claire (the only female magazine I'd ever subscribe to) and they had a special on working professionals, plus career tips. As silly as it seems, reading that section made me feel all inspired and invigorated about work. I wanted to plunge right back into work and MAKE A DIFFERENCE YO! Of course that being said I've already tendered my resignation at M/s L because my notice period is 3 months. My last day of work will be 2nd August. Then I have 2 weeks to rest before jetting off to Romania with my parents for another family holiday, before heading off to NYC on 28th August to start my Masters programme. Talk about yet another tight schedule!

Disoriented

Today I woke up utterly disoriented. When my brother and my maid came barging into my room to put something down, they woke me up from my dream and I thought it was 7 am in the morning because he was still around and it looked dark through the curtains outside. Nope. It was 11 am, he decided he didn't want to go to school and it was about to rain something fierce outside.

My dream was a strange, disconcerting one. I dreamt that I was travelling to Ipoh again (but an Ipoh with winter?), but this time with friends and I was supposed to lead them around. I dreamt I had forgotten to take down the important details like hotel bookings and so on, and had left them in my email instead. Then came the odd part when I tried to retrieve the information and I could not access gmail OR agoda. That they didn't exist or didn't work! And I started to feel very stressed out. Finally there was an odd other bit where I had to charge over $200 worth of things to my credit card and I felt upset because I needed to save every bit of money I had and $200 was a lot!

Anyway I woke up confused. Heard the thunder roaring outside and drew back the curtains. Saw the odd lightning flash or two and decided to try and get a little bit of the errands I had meant to do, done.

I finally checked things online and realised how unhelpful the US system is to international students (or maybe I lucked out with LSE and how they bend over backwards for international students) and now I'm feeling stressed out about getting my passport/visa done in time. I worry too, that I might not be able to sit for my driving test on time before I leave. Meanwhile there's a slight problem with a student's parent that I neglected to call back. This could all have been solved if I had a greater sense of urgency, but no, all I do is sleep till 11am. Sigh. 

Exasperated

I've just spent more than 45 minutes typing up a few pages worth of vocabulary words to help my poor students when they face their mock exams tomorrow and on Thursday. I'm exasperated because 1) there are too many damn words that need to be explained, 2) this is supposed to be a MOCK exam, not a lesson where you introduce new words. Yes some of my students are geniuses, but the remaining 98% of them are struggling to tell the difference between 'enthusiasiastically' and 'enthusiastically'. They do not needed to be overwhelmed by vocabulary words like "adherents", "pensions" and "mildewed". Keep in mind that these are P4 and P5 students we're talking about - no wonder they're stressed! GRRRRR.

Last week while conducting oral examinations with my current P5 students, I ran into a bunch of my old P5 students who were having their class next door. They seemed really happy to see me, and one of the girls (a Sarah) told the student I was with that I was a "great and funny teacher" and I felt myself turn all warm and happy inside. Things like that remind me why I'm in this job I guess, despite everything I disagree with.

I realised today that I haven't been doing much at all. Right at the start of this month I went off to Ipoh with my Mama, Yeh Yeh, Kaugong, Aunty Sao Ping and my Sam Suk Kong for 4 days. We did the whole Qing Ming thing, visited Cameron Highlands and ate like pigs. I realised how pathetic it was that out of a carload of 75+ year olds, I was the only one that couldn't drive. Other than that, I went out for Mookata BBQ with Tiff, Andrew and HM one Saturday evening, and visited The Cider Pit with my colleagues after work last Thursday. I'm so happening I amaze myself. 

24

Hello hello hello, I am 24. Well technically 23 years, 364 days and 17 hours old (because I was born around 7:30 am in the morning), but for brevity's (and sanity's?) sake I am 24. Hello world, happy birthday to me.

Today after work I bought two slices of cake from Awfully Chocolate. Around 10:10pm I pulled both slices out from the fridge and started to eat them by myself because my Dad was upstairs and didn't want to come down, my Brother was dead asleep and my Mum was absorbed in trying to book flights on the SIA website while sitting next to me. So I sang a birthday song to myself and started eating the chocolately cake while watching a Channel 5 documentary about landmines in Cambodia.

Singing the birthday song to myself caught the attention of my Mum, so she stopped trying to book flights for a moment and started digging into the cake with me. About 10 minutes later my Dad came to holler at us to go upstairs and we lured him down instead with cake. He shoved half a slice of cake into his mouth and then switched the TV and lights off on us before heading up again. That left 1 slice left for my Mum and I to polish off in the dark. I started on the remaining slice and ate it till about half way before giving the rest to my Mum. So that meant my Mum and I ate about 3/4 of a slice of cake, so 75gms of chocolately sinfulness and my dad had 50gms.

After my Mum finished the cake I got her a cup of water in my Penguin P.G. Wodehouse mug. She was still absorbed in trying to figure out the best possible way to utilise the family's frequent flyer miles on the SIA website.

So anyway, Happy Birthday to me.

Doldrums

Been feeling increasingly burnt out from my job lately. Part of it is because since late November last year, I was given an assignment I not only did not want, but have increasingly felt incapable of properly coping with. I was given two classes of P4s. I now have a newfound extreme distaste and short temper with children, and have decided that I don't like anyone around that age that is not related to me. Even before I step into the classroom on Wednesdays I feel all riled up and upset, like some terrible pavlovian response. I feel more agitated, get angrier more easily, feel depressed and a sense of hopelessness.

Safe to say I think I can safely conclude from this that I do not like young children because they're these terrible creatures who reek of WTF because manners, boundaries and common sense haven't yet been pounded into them by society and I have ZERO patience for that. I can be nurturing in an intellectual and emotional sense BUT HELL NO I AIN'T BRINGING UP YOUR DAMN KID. Why didn't YOU, dear EGG and SPERM DONOR, teach your kid that it's rude/inappropriate/stupid to ask the teacher "Why are you dressed like a man?"/"Why does your lipstick match your jacket?"/"Why is your makeup so ugly today?" YES THERE ARE STUPID QUESTIONS, AND YOUR KID JUST ASKED THEM. As an aside, I think I'll be the type of parent that spanks their kid, because I want to do that to my idiot students often.

For all of this I can only say I blame M/s L because I told them explicitly before that I did not want to teach young students, and they ignored me anyway. They're utterly charming like that, which also explains why they have so much trouble retaining long term staff. As if the job wasn't emotionally draining enough, they stick teachers with assignments that we do not want nor are able to handle well. This just results in teachers (ergo, ME) getting frustrated and burning out at the speed of light. DAMNIT. I like my job most of the time, just that now I feel exceptionally unhappy and strung out like a piece of drying spaghetti.

In other more joyful news I've been offered a place by Teacher's College, Columbia. On one hand it makes me feel happy cause I've finally made it from all the wishing and hoping I did before, on the other hand it's opened a whole new can of worms. I am now forced to think of the future which is nice but extremely scary on the other hand (then again I've always been scared of the future) and worrying about money problems because living in Manhattan to attend Teacher's College is extremely expensive, and I'm still not sure how long the whole programme lasts/how the damn American college system functions.

So in short my job makes me feel shitty now, but thinking about the future makes me feel shitty too. No wonder I'm feeling down in the doldrums. 

The EMF Book Store at Holland Village is Closing Down

On Friday I ran into Jia Min at work briefly before she disappeared off to some mysterious place. Later when I asked Gail if she knew where JM had went, Gail told me that she and some of the other curriculum planning girls had gone to the EMF Book Store in Holland Village to buy books because the store was closing down and they were having a sale. Today, finding myself with extra time after going for a manicure (yes I enjoy bimbotic things), I decided to go there and check it out. The store was crowded with old regulars and I ended up sitting on the floor of the fiction section and poring over all the book titles. Although I was never a regular at the store, I did buy things from them from time to time. Sitting on the floor I thought about how sad it was that the one book place that was closest to my house was closing. Though of course that being said, the place I bought the most books from nowadays was bookdepository.com, exactly the sort of place that was contributing to the demise of brick and mortar shops. That and landlords who raise rents to $8,000.

I ended up buying quite a few books, some books that I honestly would not have considered if it wasn't for the sheer sentimentality of the place closing. It's almost as if I got into some sort of irrational frenzy and tried to make up for the business I had never quite given them all at one go. Still all in all, it was a bargain with 50% off used books and 20% off new books.

I bought:
I Don't Know How She Does It - Allison Pearson (I figure my Mum will like reading it, and I can read it if I want something light and fluffy)
The Poisonwood Bible - Barbara Kingsolver (something my Dad might be interested in)
An Object of Beauty - Steve Martin (on the Art World, maybe for Jia and/or HM)
The Thousand Autumns of Jacob De Zoet - David Mitchell
The Middlesteins - Jami Attenberg
The Burden - Agatha Christie
A Daughter's a Daughter - Agatha Christie
The Rose and the Yew Tree - Agatha Christie
Archie Comics
Trashy Romance Novels

All for $83!

On the way home I also saw a poster for the Eric Clapton concert. I almost forgot that it's just a week away + I took leave for that occasion too. Looking forward to it :)

As an aside, I'm reading Winter's Tale now by Mark Helprin. It is quite a peculiar and fat book. Still I'm reading it much faster than For Whom The Bell Tolls. Later, I'll be going for my first driving lesson. Feeling kind of apprehensive and excited about even turning the key in the ignition. I wonder if I'll even be allowed to make the car move. 

3 Movies

Today, purely by accident, I ended up watching 3 movies. The first was August: Osage County which I watched in the morning with my Mum at Orchard Cineleisure, the next was some daft movie called How She Move, and the last Princess Mononoke. I had intended to watch August for some time cause I saw the trailers of the star-studded cast and read all the movie reviews/Meryl Steep's nominations. Friends like Jia who had seen it had loved it too, and recommended it strongly. I really liked, and left the cinema feeling happy.

The next movie, How She Move, however, was unintentional. I had bought a groupon for a manicure and a pedicure, and when I entered, one of the nail girls started playing it on the TV. It was an incredibly daft movie, but hey I had nothing else to do and had time to kill, and expected to not finish watching it. Man oh man was I wrong. Mainly cause they assigned a trainee to me. A normal manicure and pedicure takes 1 hour. I ended up sitting in that chair and not moving for 2 and a half hours. That's 2.5x the time a mani and pedi takes normally. OH MY GOD. Needless to say I finished the movie (they win the dance contest, surprise) and after I walked out I was left feeling incredibly frustrated and irritated from not being able to move around for over two hours. I'm not the kind that can sit still unless I am mentally occupied.

The last movie I watched today was Princess Mononoke. Why? 'Cause when I got home, I realised all that sitting had been in vain. The nail polish that had been painstakingly applied by the trainee to my toes (and she did put a lot of care into things) had smudged on the way home. ARGHHHHH. I had to remove it and as I re-did my toes again, I had to occupy myself with something, so I watched Princess Mononoke, which was OK. Definitely not my favourite Studio Ghibli movie.

Even though by all means I had a fairly successful and productive day - watched a good movie in the cinema, had lunch with my Mum, bought gifts and a new pillow, did my nails - I am left feeling annoyed with today. Not that things can get much better though, cause tomorrow it's back to work with even more Situational Writing pieces to mark. Ye gads. Well, maybe I'll feel better about tomorrow. 

The Centre of Attention

When I go out with my family, we are usually sadly, the centre of attention. Today we went to the new Holland Close hawker centre for lunch, and Ryan was exceptionally hyper and noisy. Before, things were bad but not too bad, mainly because he was smaller and most people nearby would just think it was a kid acting out. Now however 'cause he's so much bigger and louder (hello voice breaking) everyone looks at us when Ryan is making 'Eee Eee Eee' noises and/or jumping up and down while flapping his hands. Hell, I'd look at us if I was a random passerby, haha.

Anyway today, my parents went off to buy food first while I stayed with Ryan. Ryan kept Eee-ing away while trying to grab my hands and use them to smack his ears (I'm not sure what that achieves but he seems to like it as he'll repeated use my hands to smack his ears until my hands hurt). I felt everyone looking at us, especially since we were seated next to a popular vegetarian store which had a long queue. When I felt the eyes of everyone on us, as Ryan still held onto my hands, I remember thinking "oh thank God I have some makeup on." At least if the son is crazy, I reasoned, the daughter should look all the more sane and polished to compensate against the judging looks.

Which as just as well since I've gone of another intense obsession binge, this time on makeup. I keep reading makeup blogs and reviews, looking at swatches online, and perusing online makeup stores. Last time I felt this intensely about something was when I went crazy over washi tape and deco rush tapes. Yes, I know, I lead a terribly terribly sad life. I need to find something better to do with myself. 

Feet and Feat

I've recently noticed that nowadays when I get back from work and sit down straight away, I can feel my feet throb. I'm sure they throb at work, or that they even throbbed before, but I never noticed how significant it was till recently. As a result when I sit down I don't feel like getting up even to shower till I can feel my feet stop throbbing. It doesn't matter that I do sit down even in class during lull periods, my feet are still tired anyway. The best feeling was on a Saturday recently when the first thing I did when I came home was lie on my bed. The feeling of my feet being on the same horizontal level with the rest of my body was amazing. Which of course brings me to wonder how some teachers can teach with super high stiletto shoes. Their special talent I suppose.

In other news I've finally finished all my Masters applications, which was no small feat. It felt much easier writing a personal statement for my Undergrad because I was so much more idealistic and could waffle on lots more. Writing the personal statement this time stressed me out a great deal, but now I am left with a sense of emptiness inside. Mainly because I suppose 1) I no longer have anything BIG to spur me on/aim to accomplish 2) There is nothing I can do to change my immediate fate now and 3) I am just a naturally gloomy person.

Feel ill earlier this week with the Flu. Felt it coming on Sunday when I was out with Tiff, especially when we were watching American Hustle in the Lido cinema. I guess it's cause the cinema was cold, which only exacerbated the situation. Monday ended up being a total washout cause I was in bed practically the whole day, and when I was out of bed I was barely cognisant. I did go to work on Tuesday because I felt better, but ended up regretting my decision when I started to feel sick and dizzy. Today however when I woke up, I felt quite alright, save the runny nose, so I went to work as per normal. Oh my frail immune system.

Am currently reading Ernest Hemingway's For Whom the Bell Tolls and I am taking forever. Have been reading it in bits since 5th Jan. For some reason I can't really get into the whole flow of things, which is strange because I got really intrigued while reading Othello and I expected to be utterly put off by the Shakespearean language and entranced by Hemingway's plain-speaking sort of prose. Oh irony. Am at page 160 now, so 330 pages left to go. 

Hyper

For the first time in ages I feel really hyper. I think it's a combination of having woken up early and done something (and it's only 3:26pm!) and the teh I drank. I woke up around 9:30am which is early by my slothful standards and went to meet Tiff at Serangoon to get our nails done. Reason why I went all the way to Serangoon to get my nails done was because Tiffany had bought a package at a nail parlour there for really cheap. The trip there was really fast, took me about 35 minutes in total. That's the time it takes for me to get to Dhoby Ghaut normally, and that's a far nearer location.

We walked about, went to NTUC and I bought lactose free skim milk, had lunch at Sushi Tei and then went to get our nails done. Was fun I must say, especially since I hadn't gone for anything of the sort in close to a year. I chose this colour changing shade (teal when cold, white when warm) which in hindsight is still cool but silly since Singapore is so warm all the time. As a result now my nails seem to be permanently white. Like I dropped too much correction liquid on them and just kept going.

Finished reading How to Read the Air by Dinaw Mengestu on Saturday night. His writing style reminds me of Kazuo Ishiguro's style. Very subtle. Show-not-tell. But so well done and vividly described that you can feel, empathise, understand exactly the flaws of his characters. Reading the book felt slightly stressful because I understood and remember every little bit of the tension that comes from a relationship not-quite-being-functional. Of loving someone but still being unable to live with them. Reading the book has made me feel even more UGH about relationships in general, reminds me of how tired I am of all the subtle strife and tensions of things-not-quite-articulated.

In other news I am now reading Othello. I'm not a fan of Shakespeare at all, but the storyline of Othello always appealed to me. The idea of jealously completely taking hold of someone and destroying them. I also realised that it seems no one studies Othello in Singapore for Lit. I personally had to study Romeo and Juliet, King Lear and Twelfth Night. I was NOT a fan of Romeo and Juliet and Twelfth Night and studying King Lear was a chore (for IOC! Gosh that was ages ago). Am reading Othello now because I feel I should at least have some Shakespearean knowledge as an English teacher, even if it's not a title that my students are studying. Plus I can talk about it and sound smart, haha.

So far the only thing I must note about Othello is that I find the ribald lines very very appalling. Sort of surprised me how smutty some of Shakespeare's lines could be:

"Iago: Even now, now, very now, an old black ram 

Is tupping your white ewe" (Act I Scene I) 

"Iago: You'll have your daughter covered with a Barbary horse" (Act I Scene I) 

"Iago: I am one sir, that comes to tell you, your daughter and the Moor are now making the beast with two backs." (Act I Scene I)

In retrospect they're all lines said solely by Iago to provoke Brabantio. While reading it I thought Roderigo said at least some of them but I guess I was wrong. I guess using such coarse language fits with Iago's character in knowing how to provoke the worst in people. 

4:04am

4:04am on Boxing Day and I am still up because I am now throughly stressed out (but also feeling very tired) because I have neglected to TOUCH! DO ANYTHING! LOOK AT! my Masters apps for over a week (before I went to Krabi!) even though I already started working on it pretty late. I wanted to concentrate on my GREs first, and even then after I was done I was still dragging my feet, telling myself it was alright to rest a bit. Bad idea.

On one hand I'm OK with waiting one more year and earning more money. On the other hand I think the expiry date of my current OK/PRETTY OK satisfaction with my job will run out in a few months time so I need to HAVE AN EXIT STRATEGY. Especially since they pull nonsense like FIDDLING WITH MY FAFFING WORKING HOURS (like this upcoming Friday) WITHOUT ASKING ME BEFOREHAND. Hello, that is not OK. Neither is making me teaching 4 classes in one day. I can already predict how I'll feel on Friday and Saturday: like shit. My colleagues will have to scape me off the damn floor. Grwarghhh.

Being exhausted makes me TYPING IN CAPS HAPPY. I think I need to cancel my gym visit tomorrow to sleep zzzz. 

Krabiiiii

Came back from Krabi on Tuesday and today I finally wandered in to work only to find out that I was still on leave. I ended up finishing up my lunch and doing a tiny bit of marking before heading off to go cut my hair. Now my head feels much more lighter and my hair is much more shorter. I kind of forgot what having short(er) hair felt like!

Krabi was fun, and definitely memorable. For starters I think I have learned to be less cavalier about going out in the sun because I got terribly sunburned on the first full day of our trip there when Ianthe and I went island hopping. I've never gotten so badly burned in my life, urgh. Still the beaches were lovely and the sea was oh-so-clear-and-blue. The next day we went white water rafting, elephant trekking and waterfall a-swimming. The third day we walked to Nopparat Thara from Aonang, stepped on crabs and got scared, and went to watch a cabaret show. On our last day we walked along Aonang beach once more and I found a really nice conical shell in the knee-high shallows of the sea.

Today when I (accidentally) went back to work I realised how weary and strained every one looked. In contrast I felt spritely and energetic for once, un-worn. It was a lovely, lovely trip.

Moo

One thing I absolutely loathe about the holiday season is how I will invariably always end up frustrated and hating my job because it's precisely at this period that they completely forget that teachers are human too, and instead treat us like cattle - creatures whose feelings can be easily disregarded and thrown at to pad up numbers. I hate being treated this way (but then again, would anyone like to be treated this way?) and feel like I lose a bit of myself. I lose the reason why I got into this profession in the first place, I lose my good temper and affability and I lose my health.

I am literally counting down the hours till I am off to Krabi with Ianthe. I need some of my vitality restored again before I turn into some child-management-eating monster. CHOMP I shall go, as I bite the head off some hapless human, and laugh I will over their blood splattering everywhere.

I am oh so weary and frustrated of my job now.

Then again even though I'm so tired of this job, I know I'm at least doing a passably good job of it when I see the smiles and cheerful goodbyes of my students. 

Elisha

If I had a son I'd like to call him Elisha. After all, I would want my son to be as awesome as his namesake and smite silly people to death by bears. I think I've found my new favourite passage from the Bible.

23 Then he went up from there to Bethel; and as he was going up by the way, young lads came out from the city and mocked him and said to him, “Go up, you baldhead; go up, you baldhead!” 24 When he looked behind him and saw them, he cursed them in the name of the LORD. Then two female bears came out of the woods and tore up forty-two lads of their number. (from 2 Kings 2:23-25)

In other news, work as of late has been tiring and draining. That being said, I've finally passed/finished my GRE! I got 156/170 for Quantitative, 161/170 for Verbal and 5/6 for Analytical Writing. I am quite pleased with my results, especially since I can now skip re-taking the paper in December! Hooray for the little victories in life :)

Memories of Animals Past

These are three photos that I finally, FINALLY took out of my DSLR camera. They were sitting there, in digital nowhereland for months, and they're all from Korea hahaha. I went there in February, so they were sitting there for a good few months.

I like animals. Especially dogs. For some reason when I went to Japan I didn't take any pictures of dogs even though there were quite a few shibas around. I suppose it's mainly because they were being walked by their owners or it was too dark.

As for the last picture, it depicts instructions to patrons of a Cat Cafe that I visited in Hongdae, Seoul. 

GRR GREs

Sat for the GREs today, on Armistice Day of all days, and got my marks back on the spot because it's all computerised now. For Verbal Reasoning I scored 161 and for Quantitative Reasoning I scored 156. As far as I'm concerned I've exceeded my own expectations for both categories, and now I'm left wondering whether I should take the exam one more time >.<

Still, I couldn't help grinning like mad when I got the final results. It was such a relief to know that I had made it after freaking out over math so much. That and the possibility I could throw all the math I re-learned just for this exam back into the great black void where it belonged. That I could forget every damn thing I re-learned about exponents, reciprocals and square roots. Anyway after all, I'm not applying for a PhD. We'll see.

Still, praise be to that lovely benevolent being up there!

Jiak Kentang

Haven't been writing online a lot recently. Not much to write I think. Usual go to work, loaf about and struggle to sit still and study, ye gads. Last week I fell sick again with the flu and struggled with it as I worked through the week. That was a pain.

On Saturday I went out with Chong Wee and Daryl to attend Daryl's first public poetry reading for his first published work(s) at the Singapore Writer's Festival (congrats again Daryl!). Someone gave Daryl a potato. Maybe it's to suggest Daryl Jiak Kentang (was a potato eater - someone who's more White than Chinese)? Either way Chong Wee and I beautified the poor potato and then we all left it at a prominent spot to grin at everyone. Beauteous potato.

Banana Unicorn

Or: Tamil Tiggers. Both phrases I heard I on Wednesday that were coined by strange, strange students.

Tonight as Gail and I left the office, it started to rain. The rain thankfully wasn't heavy because neither of us had umbrellas, but the droplets that did fall on us were these plump, fat things. Then when I got off at my bus stop to walk home I realised there was lightning in the sky too. It felt surreal watching the sky light up for the barest of moments at almost 11pm at night, and hearing the rumble of thunder not too far behind. I don't think I had encountered lightning or thunder the entire time I was in the UK, and definitely not while walking outdoors lately.

For those few moments that it took for me to cross the street and fumble with the gate, every time the sky flashed bright, my heart would clench a little in fear. The idea of being struck by lightning, being under a tree that was struck by lightning, the gate suddenly being struck by lighting as I tried to open it... The fear felt almost childish, but one I couldn't shake. It made me feel like a child again for a moment, to be afraid of lightning.

A few days ago, it started to rain and storm around 4am in the morning, The thunder was so loud that it woke me up. I've forgotten exactly what day it was, but as I realised while lying in bed and staring at the ceiling, it was the first time I recall being jolted awake by thunder. As I lay in bed, I thought for a moment that my house had been struck by lightning and the electricity supply had tripped. It turned out to be just my imagination. With every lightning strike, I watched my curtains illuminate with morbid horror. I ended up only being able to go back to sleep after the storm dissipated about twenty minutes later. 

Barking Up The Tree of Bad Math

I'm feeling quite frustrated now because I just tried to practice a section of basic arithmetic for the GRE and I made a right mess of it. Lots and lots of stupid mistakes, like reading the question wrongly or forgetting exponential rules. Or better yet, forgetting that 0 counts as a even integer ARGH.

Last week I didn't work because I was sick and contagious with a lovely bacterium called mycoplasma. It explained why I had been feeling so shitty as of late. I stayed at home most of the week rotting and questioning what the hell I was doing with my life, and feeling too disoriented to get any work done. That's a whole week of time down the drain ARGH. I did go to work on Tuesday and Thursday for a while to clear some urgent work, but that was about it.

While sending postcards today I noticed that they changed on the sign. Apparently SingPost no longer collects mail on Saturdays. I wonder if that's the case, whether they still deliver the post on Saturday. Probably no I suspect. Meanwhile, my brother has re-started his annoying habit of scrawling on each piece of incoming post that he can get his hands on.

I feel grumpy.

A Year of Experience

On Monday I went out with Tiffany, and felt quite reluctant to return home. To me returning home meant my weekend was over and that the work week was restarting again. Days of being tired and feeling rushed until the weekend (really Saturday evening for me) comes again. Plus while out on Monday I actually had to step aside and conduct a 40 minute phone call with a stressed out parent. The previous Friday she had emailed me, upset with the undone work she had found in her daughter's bag. I had answers as to how that happened alright, but I couldn't quite say them. Also in a way, that parent wasn't after just answers, she wanted to know everything. So I spent 40 minutes hiding next to a fire hose reel in a corner of Somerset 313 talking to her.

After the phone call, I felt incredibly stressed out and exasperated. I felt helpless and guilty at the same. Was it that I wasn't doing my job? Yes I was true that the past month-ish I haven't exactly been able to work to the best of my ability because of other problems, but were things really that bad? Then again, the only noticeable part of my work that seemed to have suffered was in my marking rates. And I hadn't exactly had other complaints from other parents or students. In fact, it really was just one class that had been giving me problems, my Thursday 5pm class of 11 year olds.

Then I sort of realised a few things as the days went by: 1) From speaking to my colleagues, I realised that the previous teacher hadn't been known for being particularly dedicated before 2) The class was itself problematic because of both the types of students in the class (huge range in capabilities, some are brilliant, others extremely weak in English), and their behaviour (which was to mercilessly tease a student, J) 3) I had been handed the class at a very awkward time - late June 2013 - right before I was due to travel to Japan, and also far too late for me to really have had any impact on their work 4) I was not as stern as feared as the previous teacher, and because they weren't self-motivated and mainly did their work out of fear, they were now lax about completing their homework.

Thinking of all of that sort of made me feel a bit better. I went to class on Thursday sort of dreading it, but telling myself to do as best as I could. I spoke to all of them and urged them to hand up and do their homework, if not for their sakes then mine at least ('cause I know they at least like me), and they all looked guilty. Then I took one boys who said majority of the nasty comments out and spoke to him one-on-one about all his hurtful comments (before I had only warned him in class). That boy told me that the previous teacher had been very mean to J, and they had just joined in for fun and she didn't stop them. I had to tell him that I didn't agree with what the previous teacher did, and that it wasn't right to be so mean to someone who was already so visibly downtrodden and discouraged. Thankfully he agreed with my reasoning.

The lesson itself wasn't eventful or notable. It was a mock examination paper, and they were slower than my two other Wednesday classes. Oh well. Still I stressed them out and they managed to complete everything on time. With 5 minutes left, I decided to show them the silly The Fox video to make them laugh. They really liked it, especially the silly sound effects chorus bit. J had been quite slow with finishing his work (as usual), so I asked him to stay back a bit for us to go through the paper. I was quite happy with him because before while he didn't even try at all, I could see him trying now even though the work was definitely very hard for him.

Tonight after my class finished at 9:30pm, I finally managed to snatch the time to give J's mum a call. I was worried I told her, that J was getting very discouraged because the work was simply too tough. It's hard psychologically to feel like you're always inferior, and the absurdly difficult work we often give our students would only exacerbate that. I was very concerned about him, I told her (and indeed I truly am because I always have a soft spot for the 'poor thing' students.) She told me however, that before he never really cared so much about his work, but now he even does his homework without much prompting from her end. That, and he was a lot more happier about going to class now. That made me feel a little nice and fuzzy on the inside. While I couldn't actually SEE whether I was helping his English language levels, I knew at least I had managed to make J's life a little more pleasant. And in a way it's things like this that keep me going, despite all my complaints about teaching. It's the idea that I can effect real change in the lives of students and make their lives easier.

That and remembering how my cheeky hyper Wednesday 2:30pm class of 11 year olds hid in the darkness to surprise me on Teacher's Day week. I was freaking out that they had all disappeared (because I saw them IN the class a few minutes before when I walked past) and walked into the classroom freaking out. Then they jumped out screaming 'Surprise! Happy Teacher's Day!' and then bombarded me with their gifts (tea for a student, cause she knows I love tea! And a nice box of Royce from another) as I stood by stunned, mouth agape. I wanted to strangle all of them, but they were giggling so much that one crazy kid even fell on the floor laughing.

Teaching is definitely not an easy job (especially if you want to do a good job), but for now I can't think of anything else in the world I'd rather be doing. 

Travel Wish List

Had a very tiring and vexing day at work today, so I will compose a list of Things I Really Want to See and Visit to make me feel inspired again. Plus if I ever feel shit, I can go back and look at the list and Remind Myself of Why I Am Working.

European Cities I Want to Visit:
- Dresden, Germany
- Berlin, Germany
- Marseille, France
- Madrid, Spain
- Seville, Spain

Sights in Latin America I Really Want to See:
- The Machu Picchu
- The Bolivian Salt Flats
- Llamas running around

Countries I Want to Visit and Poke Around:
- Russia
- Cuba

Places in North America I Want to Go to:
- San Francisco
- Monticello, Virginia
- Winchester House, California
- Montreal/Quebec City
- New Orleans
- Portland (hipster spotting?)

Countries I'd Like to Volunteer in:
- Vietnam
- Cambodia

URGH WHY AM I STUCK HERE ):

I Deserve a Medal!

I didn't expect to post so much within a matter of 3 days but yes the day has finally come, and I've worked a year! Today was also one of the most pleasant days I've had in a while, which was surprising since I stayed extra late and left only at about 10:30pm with Gail because of marking I had to complete. Maybe it was the exercise I did this morning, which left me feeling more refreshed than exhausted (a rare thing, I assure you). Perhaps it was lunch, which I had with Ianthe at Professor Brawn Cafe, which was nice because of the company (the food quality there has sadly declined ): ). It could have been the class I taught, which although was a relief class, was a class I had taught a few times before and liked. They're nice, good natured kids with a lovely sense of humour. Plus they laugh at my jokes, and pipe up to answer open questions. Or maybe it was even having a nice takeaway dinner from Once Upon a Thyme. Either way, it was a nice pleasant day and I got to clear work.

That being said, because I have (HORRORS) three classes tomorrow, I still need to do some preparation work despite the late hour. Also as a result, I predict in approximately 24 hours times I will be utterly exhausted and frustrated with everything again. Plus perhaps maybe wanted to strangle a child or two.

Still, it's nice to feel happy and contented :) 

Mooncakes and Memories

Today I finally managed to venture to the Mooncake Festival Fair at Takashimaya's basement. Last time I used to always go there with my Mum when I accompanied her shopping on Saturdays. This year we've not been out clothes shopping together once at all, namely because I work on Saturdays. This time I went with Tiffany, and it really was by chance rather than deliberate design that we ended up there, as we had originally started out at Somerset MRT and wandered over after we had dinner had Sushi Express. I must say, the bill at Sushi Express took us both by surprise at $10 a person. And as Tiff put it, it's practically NEVER that you're surprised in a a good way at the dinner bills in Singapore.

Anyway at the Mooncake Festival, I set off to find my favourite snowy Mooncake booth, and we found it! I remembered the box and the flavours available, and I felt quite pleased to be able get those yummy Mooncakes again, nevermind that they're horridly bad for you :x It felt funny/nice to be able to repeat this 'tradition', though I didn't do it last year nor remember when was the last time I had Mooncakes from that specific store. I do however, remember doing it two years in a row. Maybe when I was about 18 and 19, before I left for London? Not sure anymore. Still, 2 yummy Mooncakes for $13 :)

While out with Tiff, I also bought Ender's Game by Orson Scott Card. We spoke a little about it before when we were teaching the students some lesson months ago, and I remembered it as one of those Sci-Fi books that are Must Reads, just like Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep? and Flowers for Algernon. Am currently reading a whole bunch of entertaining Jeffrey Archer shorts now, which is a bit like candy floss for the brain.

Felt extremely reluctant to go home today, mainly because it really signalled the end of my weekend. Am not looking forward to work because it'll be a long week (as usual) with all sorts of difficult things that make me feel like grunting in (anticipated) frustration. I had a 40 minute phone call today from a stressed out parent, making me feel very stressed out too. The workload feels never ending and there's little or no downtime (unless you've forgotten about all your work). Still, tomorrow will mark my 1 year anniversary with the firm. Ho.

Almost a Year

It's been almost a year since I started working at M/s L and last Saturday, for the first time ever (hoho), I wore jeans to work. I haven't worn jeans in some time, and I must say I miss how comfy they are compared to other types of trousers. It's nice to feel it lightly hugging you, see it not crease oddly and not roll up and get stuck to your calves.

It's also been a year since I last flew back from London. Sometimes I see pictures of London, or see snippets of it in travel shows. I do miss it because going out was much more fun there, lots of things (that interest me) to see and something worthwhile always happening somewhere, but I'm happy to have been home for a year. I am able to spend a lot of time with my family, and in a way I never need to fret about occupying myself or feeling lonely because they're always around.

On a side note, I've been getting tension headaches again. I used to get them a lot when I was about 14, and in Secondary 2, but I stopped getting afterwards. I still remember the medicine I had for that: these blue pills called Anarex. In Uni Year 1 I had some pretty bad headaches too, but those were more like migraines if I recall. Oh well. Hopefully this round will pass after a while too. 

186

Today after Math class, I took 186 all the way to my Mama's place. It was predictably quite a long ride, meandering through parts of Singapore like River Valley and Queenstown. Still I got a seat, and kept looking outside as the bus drove on. It then occurred to me that the last time I was at Tanjong Pagar on a Sunday was many years ago, when I was 16 to be exact and interning at M/s M. Mr Tan had asked me to go back to work on Sunday (even after I had been in on Saturday) to help speed up the zapping of Court of Appeal documents. I had arrived at the office around 10am, and found it shut. After hanging about for an hour, I got fed up and left, walking to Tanjong Pagar to blow off some steam. That was the last time I recall being there and seeing the area so oddly empty.

The other time I suppose (thought I don't recall seeing as much), was when I did the Nike 10k Human Race with classmates from 6.9 in 2008. I remember puffing past the Singapore Chinese Orchestra Hall, but that was about it. Funny how a place can act as an anchor, linking so many disparate and not-usually-thought-of memories.

I felt quite tired and out of it today. Yesterday I had 3 classes. This week I taught 10 in total. Needless to say I have quite a bit of marking too. My mood this/these week/weeks has been very strange. I seem to be bouncing between outright rage and frustration with the senior management at work, to feeling like I can't do anything right at all. Meanwhile I just feel very tired. Even if I get enough sleep, I still feel like there's cotton wool stuffed into my joints, muscles and veins. Parts of my body ache for much longer after workouts than before too. I'm not sure if it's because I'm not eating as much as before, or whether I'm getting anaemia again.

Meanwhile even though it's been more than a week, I'm still reading Catch-22 by Joseph Heller. It's a strange and thick book without much of a plot to really dive into, but cleverly written nonetheless. It's also one of those books that you can pick up easily even after days of not reading it, simply because not much of what you've read before matters to the rest of the story. Ho. 

Tuesday

Today I finally packed up my entire desk at work, along with the rest of the office. Although we're only supposed to really vacate tomorrow ("at 2359 hours" according to the silly text they sent out), most of my colleagues have already packed up, and so I decided to join them. The last time my desk was this empty was when I first started work, and even then that lasted about a week before I started piling things on. I'll stuff my little red panda into the box tomorrow.

I feel daft today.

Broadchurch and Weekend

I finished watching Broadchurch on Friday night, and powered through the last three episodes at a go 'cause I couldn't resist. Olivia Colman is a fine, fine actress. Her performance, especially in the last episode, had tears pricking at my eyes. Still fun to think of her as Sophie from the Peep Show though, haha. Loved David Tennant in the show too.

It's Monday night now, and my 'weekend' is sadly over. Not sure where it went really, but then again I did do quite a few things.

Saturday was the usual round of classes and marking. Gail came over around lunchtime to do stuff and we ate at Rotisserie. Then I went home and ended up playing Tropico and reading Catch-22 till I went to bed.

Sunday I had lunch with my parents and Guo Mah at a Porridge Place in Katong. Then we drove about the area looking at the old '40s and '50s style houses, which I have to admit was pretty interesting. Pity how few of them are left, and how the lots have since been subdivided. Around 4pm, I met Shu, HM and Tiff at Holland Village to catch up. At 5:45pm-ish I left to see Mama because she wanted to talk to me about something. It turned out to be about some silly chain mail letter she read, about two girls having their kidneys stolen when theWy went to Thailand for a holiday. Goodness.

After hanging out with Mama a little, and assuaging her fears, I left to meet Gen, Yihang and Jiayun at La Petite Cuisine. Yihang and Jia were late, so Gen and I drank and Snapple and waited. Then they came and we all ordered. Yum. By then the place was winding down, and the staff looked a lot less stressed. We then went to Maconalds to hang out and talk. To my amusement, a whole section of the place was taken up by guys watching an EPL match. Didn't even know Macdonalds had a TV.

Today I was woken up by my phone vibrating to texts, and decided to go cut my hair before my GRE class. Amusingly, and probably evidence about how easily cowered I am by hairdressers, my hairdresser asked me how I handle my students when I am so (斯文) si wen. This made me terribly amused because it flew in the face of how I thought of myself.

After that I headed to Nam Nam to have beef pho and drown summer rolls in Maggi seasoning sauce, before taking the train to Tanjong Pagar. I also discovered the best way to get to Springleaf Tower is actually to just exit at International Plaza and cross the road. Then I had a 3 hour Math lesson, which made me feel both mentally tired and exhilarated (Math actually makes sense now!). Came home and ended up reading Catch-22. Also spoke to Shu on Skype for about an hour and a half about graduated courses and universities.

Back to more reading now.

Broke August and September

It's just the 1st of September but I'm already broke, cause I needed to use a hefty chunk of my pay for August to pay off credit card bills. September hence, will have to be a broke month in order to avoid chalking up even MORE credit card bills. Yikes.

I noticed that August crawled by really slowly. In fact time seems to crawl by really slowly nowadays, unless I'm napping or need to finish work urgently. Maybe it's because I'm broke and counting down the days till payday again :o

Wide Sargasso Sea

Finished reading Jean Rhys' The Wide Sargasso Sea today. I had to teach it months ago for an Unseen Prose piece that was hard as hell, because of a lack of context. After that lessons and talking to my colleagues, I realised that it was a book that greatly beguiled me, and so bought it off Book Depository. I am glad to have read it, especially given recent events, as it struck an extra special chord with me. That and the title: The Wide Sargasso Sea. Lovely, full rounded vowels that roll off one's tongue, with a hint of sibilance for that bit of ominousness. An idea of a body of water so large that one can comfortably fall back into it and sink silently into its depths. Gave it a 4.5/5 in my reading notebook.

-----

On Monday, much to the amusement of myself and all around me, I attended my first Math class. In preparation for applying for a Masters degree for the Fall 2014 intake, I need to sit for my GREs. Before that however, I need to actually get to an acceptable level again of Math capability. Urgh. Math was never one of my better subjects, and true enough when I sat for a diagnostic test I bombed the Math section. So I signed up for classes (I harbour little illusions about my limited Math capabilities). Which cost a bomb, but get the job done I suppose. I feel like I remember a lot more about my Sec 2 Math already after just one session, ho.

Also in other news, on Saturday night I went over to Ianthe's house to hang out with her and Steph. There, Ianthe and I also finally booked a trip in Dec to Krabi. Am looking forward to it even though it's months away. Whatever keeps you going, eh?

Pillow Safety Suit

I stumbled up a very silly website called markdg.com, and wandered onto his inventions page. It makes me giggle in the worst possible sort of way, ohoho.

Above is a picture of his Pillow Safety Suit invention. I wish I had one of those. Then I could just roll around on the floor if I wanted to get to anywhere and wouldn't need to walk anymore. Roll about in a nice, soft and squishy suit. Mmm.

Iron Mountain Boxes

Recently M/s L have embarked on a harebrained cost saving exercise which requires all us teachers to relinquish our desks. It was a move that was widely met with disapproval (surprise!) from all the teachers because HEY we're teachers and our jobs involve lots of papers that need to be stored in an organised manner, lest they get mixed up or lost. Whoever thought up the idea was evidently not a teacher, nor has ever been one.

In order to facilitate this move of extreme stupidity, the office ordered cardboard boxes for us. Two boxes each, which we had to sign out for, because you know disgruntled employees would take extra boxes to resell on the black market or something. Anyway the boxes came yesterday, the same day we had our Teacher's Day lunch (COINCIDENCE?! I THINK NOT :O) So after I finished my 9:30pm class I went to look at the boxes, since some fool left them all stacked behind my desk for collection, and I was intrigued.

At a glance of all the perforation lines on the flat packed boxes, I realised that we were reckoning with not your regular sort of cardboard box, but a super-special transformer type box. Even though I didn't intend to pack many things away, I decided to grab a box and start folding it, and BOY WAS I IMPRESSED. This was a box like no other. Everything folded and tucked neatly into each other, without the need for any masking tape. It was sturdy, folded into itself, and when you had to fold it into itself the takeout tabs would just fly out with a wonderful POP. This my friends, was the Rolls Royce of cardboard boxes.

When I stayed in the UK I moved house a total of 2 times, and use normal cardboard boxes each time. Then when I went home, I packed my stuff into 6 boxes of varying sizes and shipped them all back to Singapore by cargo ship. As a result, I'll like to think I've dealt with my fair share of boxes for a 23 year old, and knew all about them. Little did I know about IRON MOUNTAIN CARDBOARD BOXES, which are a veritable feat of great design and engineering, rolled into a humble cardboard box. I SHIT YOU NOT THEY ARE AMAZING.

So amazing in fact, that I think this design is the magnum opus of someone's entire life. Like someone went to engineering school just to come up with it's ingenious design. Whoah. Too bad I forgot to take a picture, perhaps I'll do so tomorrow.

Did you know that I get amazed by very inane and mundane things?

A Kernel of Dried Corn

Recently HR sent out an e-mail that offended the whole office cause the tone was incredibly patronising. The moment person zero saw it, she started sending on mass texts to her friends telling them to read the email, which was then passed on to more people until the whole office had scrambled to read it. When I read it, I just laughed and shrugged it off. I mean, silly is what silly is right? Unbeknownst to me, the email had actually severely pissed off the rest of my office. Today when I had lunch with a colleague, she spoke angrily about the email and the reactions of other staff at her branch, and I was kind of stunned. It never even occurred to me to be offended.

Dunno, just one anecdote of many about how I'm not thinking the same as before. Not sure if it's a new malaise or a temporary one.

I feel tired and strained.

18 August 2013

Today I learnt about flight KAL 007 that crashed in 1983, a casualty of the Cold War that no one quite talks about in History books. Due to a serious of human errors and having mistaken the plane for a spy plane, the Soviets ended up shooting the passenger jet down. When they showed the reenactments of the plane bouncing up and down and the passengers screaming inside, it was kind of depressing.

In other news I am sick, down with the flu or something similar. I spent most of today sleeping, and still don't feel any better. I am however, tearing through A Visit From The Goon Squad during my waking moments. It's a nice, fun book.

My students have also started to notice patterns for when I'm feeling unwell. Namely that I am grumpier and am more disoriented, less mentally organised. Funny kids. One the students that I liked from my Saturday class had her last lesson yesterday, and she gave me an early Teacher's Day present and card. The card is sitting on my desk now, looking at me. Aww.

Bali Traffic

Went to Bali this past long weekend with my parents. Hari Raya Puasa coincided nicely with National Day and the weekend, so I took leave for Saturday and flew to Bali with my parents for a 4 day 3 night trip. Bali I must say, was nothing like I remembered, in a bad way. We stayed in a really beautiful hotel, but outside, the Seminyak area, left much to be desired. Traffic was terrible, and on the 3rd day when we went walking around outside during the evening, I even got asthma from prolonged exposure to the traffic pollution. Furthermore we also discovered a dodgy money changed had pulled a con on my Mum, which quite ruined the mood for that night.

Good news is, my Mum went to confront him the next day and he gave her back the IDR 500,000 (SGD 65). I felt really proud of my Mum for doing that, but I found out later it's cause she didn't realise confronting even a two-bit criminal is dangerous. Hahaha my Mum. I also managed to polish off two books and a graphic novel, and got to relax by the beach and go for spa-thingies.

All in all, I'm glad for the break from Singapore. It was nice to be physically in another spot, but I must say it was definitely not one of the better trips I have been on.

Meanwhile, back to work and life, and endless "Theft at the Mall" essays urk.

Hedgeh

BTW JFYI - I am now a free agent. What ever that means. No I have not lost my job, but I've lost something else that sort of ties people down/together. I will plod through this with various higher doses of medication, family and friends. Just that in the meanwhile, I will be utterly useless and unreliable as a human being. 

I decided after poking about Book Depository (yes! Grief spending!!!) to start a book journal with one of the numerous notebooks I have around. I picked a yellow pantone one which I thought I liked when I bought it, but now no longer like so much. Anyway using my archival pen, I doodle a hedgehog sort-of looking at an apple. It was meant to be a smiley hedgehog but WELL, I guess my mood diffused into my drawing. It now sort of looks forlornly at an apple it cannot reach unless it tip-toed. Can hedgehogs tip-toe anyway? Maybe I'll add a well placed rock near it's front feet or something in the future when I am less tranquillised.