I read in the papers today that Tan Chor Jin, the 'one eyed dragon' was finally executed. This brought me back to a time 2 years ago when I was wasting my life away in front of a desk in a law firm/photocopying machine while the other intern in the office got to attend his trail in High Court. I wanted to go too, but somehow I wasn't due to go to court that day. The other intern came back with tales of how Tan Chor Jin looked really fierce even in court and inspired fear in him.
Another incident also brought me back to the past. Namely the heightened anxiety of the only junior I really keep in touch with - Vicky - over tomorrow's O level results. I remember forcing myself into a state of denial by going to work the day before and on the day itself, only to fail with the nights punctured with tears of anxiety and dreams of failure. I remember envisioning myself recieving my results and collasping on the floor in a flurry of tears. Bad tears.
On the actual day itself, I spent my morning stenographing an awfully boring industrial dispute case. The hearing finally ended that afternoon around 11/12 and I joined the lot of them for their celebration (no more pesky lawyer trial fees) before rushing off to MGS in a cab. I remember clapping like mad when the top scorers came out, never for once imagining or even hoping I could have been up there myself (as if someone who did only 7 subjects could ever get 8 A1s!). I also remember walking up to my teacher and getting my results, her telling me she was so proud and happy for my grades, Vicky hiding behind me, the tearing open of the results, the A1 for Bio and the final collapse on the floor in tears of joy.
Right now on the eve of the results of the O levels, I cannot help but vicariously feel the anxiety and fear of Vicky as she awaits her results. I also cannot help but think of myself and IB results, and the stark contrast of things. The night before IB results was spent out having dinner at Fish & Co., watching Death Race (the loopholes boggled the mind) and Zack and Miri Make a Porno, walking along Orchard Road at 3am in the morning and freezing to death as Cielo set the air conditioning to 17 degrees. It was only on 106 to school when everyone lapsed into a tired silence that it really hit home how this was it, the cumulation of 12 years of education.
The whole experience this time round was different. Old feelings, expectations were all subverted and trampled upon. Last time as I looked on admiringly as the top scores of MGS were up there, I never held a hope that it could be me. This time I did hope - rather futily I might add. The expectations were all different too. Last time I wanted to just be able to get into ACJC, but this time I wanted more from myself, I wanted to get grades that I was satisfied with. In the end I was left feeling disappointed on 2 fronts - Biology and History. Last time I cried tears of happiness, this time I cried tears of disappointment (I must add how difficult a decision it is to write this in a public place like this, I do not relish the idea of people seeing me as a weak person). It wasn't that I had done badly - I had done well enough to get me into 99% of all universities that I really wanted to go to - it was that I was not satisfied with myself.
The whole idea of no long being satisfied with smaller things really struck home to me. I had been both blessed and cursed. I now had ambition and a greater want for my life, but at the same time I was less easily satisfied. It seemed like a horrid cost to bear, the idea that whatever I deemed that would make me happy would be that much more ambitious and harder to obtain. I'm not sure what to make of it, or even my life now with Uncertainty looming it's dark head over me everyday. All I know is um, I'm addicted to online shopping again -_________-
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