Last night I had a dream (okay this morning) that there was some sort of a school reunion in present day (ie: everyone looked the same) and everyone from school was there. I remember being happy wandering about and seeing all the familiar faces and being about to freely talk to people. When I finally woke up I felt a bit sad, because I realised that such an environment would never come again - people can try and organise reunions and all but there will always be random people missing. Oh well.
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I am tired. I went running today with Cheam in the evening, for about 20 minutes straight, albeit grudingly and complaing about the intensity of the sun for most of the way. This explains why I am tired. However there is still the feeling in my bones that I associate with the need to get out and move, that I am dissatisfied with whatever it is I've accomplished today (went out with Dad, ate at Colbar, explored Fusionopolis, went to Ghim Moh market, watch an episode of Criminal Minds and Mad Men). During the exam period this feeling used to go away after running but today even after running I still find the feeling in me.
For most of the past few weeks my life has been utterly meaningless and unoccupied. Some people find the absence of such a driving force and ability to spend time as one wishes utterly liberating. I, on the other hand, find it rather oppressive. To make Meaningless even worse is all the free time I have now. It was one thing to wake up and go to school everyday without much meaning, but at least I was achieving something - I was handing up my homework, building on relationships, learning things (arguable) and leaning gossip (more likely). Now however I achieve nothing. Okay, so what that I've finished watching XXX or finished reading XXX? I could have done that and other things within the same day and not just spend my entire day doing one thing alone!
I am further frustrated by how maddeningly hard it is to find a job nowadays in this climate. The want to actually do something and not being able to do it is mentally frustrating to the least and leads one to feeling rather demotivated in general. This doesn't help the whole I'm-at-a-crossroads-in-my-life-help feeling I've felt for quite some time either. It may come as no surprise to some of you that my room is in a major mess now, a mess that dates to the pre-IB exam period (I have a Pre-Lim Paper 2 English Essay lying next to my laptop). The issue I find annoying about the mess is that 1) It wasn't like this last time 2) I wasn't so messy/able to live with the mess last time 3) It's messy and I hate it 4) I find no motivation to clean it up again even though I find it immensely annoying. Bascially what I'm trying to say is that my life feels like it's hanging in limbo now, a amorphorous meaningless day-to-day affair, and my space appears to have turned into a physical manifestations of whatever feelings and thoughts roll through my head.
This is probably having some sort of a negative effect on how I carry myself and deal with people. I find myself getting more and more annoyed with my mother and how she seems so suddenly excited that I am going to university by telling EVERYONE that I am going to universites that have either rejected or not replied to me yet and getting angry at someone not because of what he did per se but because of the entire symbolism of what he did - that I appear to have been living life as the eternal loser thus far and will continue to do so for a damn long time -______________________-
ROARRRRRR.
The only upside is that I can sing on Expert mode for Guitar Hero World Tour. Hah (and play everything else on beginner/easy mode).
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