For some inexplicable reason, my brother always switches the TV in the living room to the Kids/Arts/Vasantham channel. This means that almost every Sunday afternoon we end up watching some random Bollywood/Kollywood movie. Sometimes these movies are downright incomprehensible, sometimes they are downright LOL and other times like today, they are so awesomely LOL WTF? That they demand retelling. Today's movie was 1998's Jeans.

The bit I started watching from was when the girl's family (played by Aishwarya Rai) was about to leave the guy's family at the airport for God-knows-where. At the airport, it is evident that the girl has something on her mind, and she keeps looking at the guy. Then as she finally decides to confess to him and say everything, he turns to the guy and starts speaking... only to realise later that she was speaking to the twin brother of the guy she loved. That was the part that got me hooked as I started laughing manically away.

The girl then tries again with the right guy, but then some random weirdo comes by and pulls her away to seek out her grandmother. This then results in her being unable to speak to him as she gets pulled towards the Departure gates. The shot then changes to that of the guy, who is now all tormented inside because he realises that he's been in love with her all along, and that it might be too late to let her know how he really feels. Then he starts running! He does the 100 yard dash towards a Candy Shop. The screen then changes to her, as she keeps returning to the Departure gates to get a glimpse of him. We then see him again! He gets hold of a stalk of rose, dumps the money at the cashier's and starts running for the Departure Gates. Finally we see the shot of her, at the gates for the last time as her grandmother screams for her to get her ass into the security lines.

At the security lines, the guard opens her bag to check her things. Inside, he finds a crushed up coke can, a plastic bag containing shredded leaves, empty sweet wrappers and two powerless batteries. We are then treated to interjecting scenes of him crushing the coke can, tearing up a random leaf, littering with sweet wrappers and doing something I forgot to the batteries. In a knowing voice the guard says, "It's all from a special someone right?" and she smiles weakly. Then screen then returns to the guy at the Departure Gates with his rose. He stands there with a look of utter loss across his face, staring into the mass of humanity inside - knowing that she is there but cannot see him. He runs into some random corner and starts crying.

At this corner however, his brother pops up and tells him to Chase After Her. In a completely plot-holey scene, they get inside the Departure Gates and he tries frantically to ask the guards to get her out of her plane. His request gets turned down. When he desperately asks why, the guard points out the window and we see a shot of a KLM plane taking off. His face crumples.

They return reluctantly to their house. Then poof! Out she jumps with some other guy, yelling 'SURPRISE!!!'. (I died from disbelief and laughter at this part) When he asks how come she's back, she replies that her grandmother had a splitting headache while waiting in the Boarding Area and a doctor recommended that they return home to rest. Then the shot changes to the grandmother, who is very obviously feigning a headache. Later when we see the grandmother at dinner, she's all smiles, with no sign of a headache at all.

That night, the grandmother 'goes to sleep early' and he comes and visits her in her room. They walk out to a patio. There we see him hemming and hawing as she turns away shyly. Finally he walks up to her and says something (THE SUBTITLES STOPPED HERE! ASSHOLES), places a hand on her cheek. She shyly, places her hand on his cheek and they kiss. AWWWWW.

The next shot was so stereotypically LOL that well. I just LOLed. They started dancing in the patio, then Ellis Island, New York (with the still intact Twin Towers as a background), Greenwich Village, Random Road in USA and Rocky Outcropping that looked like Ayer's Rock in Australia. This was where I kind of stopped watching since I thought the movie was over.

But no! It was not. There were a few random scenes after where Conflict! came into the picture. This guy who liked Madhu (the girl's name) tried to sabotage the Vish (the guy) by cutting off his hair when he's sleeping (LOL biblical reference). But the bastadly deed gets stopped by Vish's father. Then the showdown scene happens, where Vish's father explains to Madhu's grandmother that because of some past conflict with his twin brother that I COULD NOT UNDERSTAND BECAUSE THERE WERE NO SUBTITLES, his sons were only allowed to marry twin girls.

(At this part the subtitles returned) To this the grandmother coolly replies that Madhu is a twin, something that is news even to Madhu herself. The grandmother goes on to explain that before Madhu's mother gave birth, a fortune teller predicted that the birth of twin girls would cause Madhu's father to die young. As a result when Madhu and sister were born, the grandmother spirited away Madhu's sister and passed her to her cook and supplied him with money to raise her up. So ta dah! Problem solved. I really died at this part. It's like things were so out of this world and fit into solving the problem so nicely that it was all so farcical and LOL.

At the next scene in private, Madhu excitedly asks her grandmother about her twin sister. The grandmother replies then that she lied and Madhu had no twin sister. I died again, from being mindfucked yet again in such a short window of time. Finally at the last scene I watched, Madhu's grandmother was trying to convince her son that he did the weird deeds she had earlier 'recounted' to Vish's father in front of Vish's family. At this part I gave up watching, because I knew my poor mind could no longer take any more of such pure mindfucking.

But that was, an awesome movie.