I've always been a huge fan of police shows. When I was younger there was Triple Nine, which I followed faithfully. Then there was Crimewatch. As I got older this evolved into watching Monk, Law and Order and finally Criminal Minds. Then there were the novels, like Patrica Cornwell who always knew how to spin a compelling yarn. It should come as no surprise then that throughout my life my one constant ambition was always Crime/Justice related.

At 8 I wanted to be a Policewoman, at 12 I wanted to be a ballistics expert, crime scene investigator or coroner, and at 15 I toyed with the idea of entering criminal psychology (don't ask me why I never wanted to be a detective). However that year I gave up on my dream. It was partly practical reasons like jobs being rather scarce in supply and it was part recognition that I might not be mentally strong enough to face up to such overwhelmingly negative aspect of life.

Now however, I stand at the crossroads of life. I'm not really sure if God is trying to tell me something, or am if I just imposing my subconscious desires on this whole thing, but for once in 3 years I reluctantly admit that I no longer know what I want to do with my life. At the beginning of the week, I was still all Hist! Politics! Journalism! But then Tuesday night came along with Criminal Minds. I started reminiscing and finally realised by tracing all my ambitions that criminology was what I wanted to do in a time before practical concerns came into the equation. Then finally yesterday came and I was forced to reacquaint myself with the cruel truth that passion and hard work does not always equate to ability. Perhaps I have been barking up the wrong tree all this while after surpressing my dreams. Or have I come up with new dream that I am now running away from because of fear? I don't know.

This new doubt doesn't just throw a spanner into a machinery that has been well oiled for the past 3 years, it throws a freaking truck load of spanners. The only thing possibly worse than uncertainty is the feeling of certainty melting into uncertainity - because you now have to deal with missing certainty in addition to uncertainty. Then there are the new branches and options open - Durham and Leicester offer BAs in Criminology (taking them will really really fuck up my plans), and then Oxford and Cambridge (have not reasearched this one too extensively yet) offer MSc.s in Criminology (which would still fuck up my plans, but less so).

The problem with all of this is that I don't have the luxury of time to mull over all the rubbish that has happened recently because I need to submit UCAS by 15th Oct. Then there is the nature of UCAS' personal statement - say I throw Durham into the mix, how the heck would it look when I'm prattling on about History Politics? There is also the earlier worry, that I might be subconsciously trying to fling myself into something else because of my reckless nature and propensity to destroy established things. Or that I may be missing out on my true calling.

I don't know anymore, which is terrible for someone like me who likes to plan things out carefully with clear aims. Then there is also the nature of things where many! things are uncertain - my future, my health, my heart, myself and now even my dreams. For once in a long time, I need to sleep on this decision.