Hyper

For the first time in ages I feel really hyper. I think it's a combination of having woken up early and done something (and it's only 3:26pm!) and the teh I drank. I woke up around 9:30am which is early by my slothful standards and went to meet Tiff at Serangoon to get our nails done. Reason why I went all the way to Serangoon to get my nails done was because Tiffany had bought a package at a nail parlour there for really cheap. The trip there was really fast, took me about 35 minutes in total. That's the time it takes for me to get to Dhoby Ghaut normally, and that's a far nearer location.

We walked about, went to NTUC and I bought lactose free skim milk, had lunch at Sushi Tei and then went to get our nails done. Was fun I must say, especially since I hadn't gone for anything of the sort in close to a year. I chose this colour changing shade (teal when cold, white when warm) which in hindsight is still cool but silly since Singapore is so warm all the time. As a result now my nails seem to be permanently white. Like I dropped too much correction liquid on them and just kept going.

Finished reading How to Read the Air by Dinaw Mengestu on Saturday night. His writing style reminds me of Kazuo Ishiguro's style. Very subtle. Show-not-tell. But so well done and vividly described that you can feel, empathise, understand exactly the flaws of his characters. Reading the book felt slightly stressful because I understood and remember every little bit of the tension that comes from a relationship not-quite-being-functional. Of loving someone but still being unable to live with them. Reading the book has made me feel even more UGH about relationships in general, reminds me of how tired I am of all the subtle strife and tensions of things-not-quite-articulated.

In other news I am now reading Othello. I'm not a fan of Shakespeare at all, but the storyline of Othello always appealed to me. The idea of jealously completely taking hold of someone and destroying them. I also realised that it seems no one studies Othello in Singapore for Lit. I personally had to study Romeo and Juliet, King Lear and Twelfth Night. I was NOT a fan of Romeo and Juliet and Twelfth Night and studying King Lear was a chore (for IOC! Gosh that was ages ago). Am reading Othello now because I feel I should at least have some Shakespearean knowledge as an English teacher, even if it's not a title that my students are studying. Plus I can talk about it and sound smart, haha.

So far the only thing I must note about Othello is that I find the ribald lines very very appalling. Sort of surprised me how smutty some of Shakespeare's lines could be:

"Iago: Even now, now, very now, an old black ram 

Is tupping your white ewe" (Act I Scene I) 

"Iago: You'll have your daughter covered with a Barbary horse" (Act I Scene I) 

"Iago: I am one sir, that comes to tell you, your daughter and the Moor are now making the beast with two backs." (Act I Scene I)

In retrospect they're all lines said solely by Iago to provoke Brabantio. While reading it I thought Roderigo said at least some of them but I guess I was wrong. I guess using such coarse language fits with Iago's character in knowing how to provoke the worst in people. 

4:04am

4:04am on Boxing Day and I am still up because I am now throughly stressed out (but also feeling very tired) because I have neglected to TOUCH! DO ANYTHING! LOOK AT! my Masters apps for over a week (before I went to Krabi!) even though I already started working on it pretty late. I wanted to concentrate on my GREs first, and even then after I was done I was still dragging my feet, telling myself it was alright to rest a bit. Bad idea.

On one hand I'm OK with waiting one more year and earning more money. On the other hand I think the expiry date of my current OK/PRETTY OK satisfaction with my job will run out in a few months time so I need to HAVE AN EXIT STRATEGY. Especially since they pull nonsense like FIDDLING WITH MY FAFFING WORKING HOURS (like this upcoming Friday) WITHOUT ASKING ME BEFOREHAND. Hello, that is not OK. Neither is making me teaching 4 classes in one day. I can already predict how I'll feel on Friday and Saturday: like shit. My colleagues will have to scape me off the damn floor. Grwarghhh.

Being exhausted makes me TYPING IN CAPS HAPPY. I think I need to cancel my gym visit tomorrow to sleep zzzz. 

Krabiiiii

Came back from Krabi on Tuesday and today I finally wandered in to work only to find out that I was still on leave. I ended up finishing up my lunch and doing a tiny bit of marking before heading off to go cut my hair. Now my head feels much more lighter and my hair is much more shorter. I kind of forgot what having short(er) hair felt like!

Krabi was fun, and definitely memorable. For starters I think I have learned to be less cavalier about going out in the sun because I got terribly sunburned on the first full day of our trip there when Ianthe and I went island hopping. I've never gotten so badly burned in my life, urgh. Still the beaches were lovely and the sea was oh-so-clear-and-blue. The next day we went white water rafting, elephant trekking and waterfall a-swimming. The third day we walked to Nopparat Thara from Aonang, stepped on crabs and got scared, and went to watch a cabaret show. On our last day we walked along Aonang beach once more and I found a really nice conical shell in the knee-high shallows of the sea.

Today when I (accidentally) went back to work I realised how weary and strained every one looked. In contrast I felt spritely and energetic for once, un-worn. It was a lovely, lovely trip.

Moo

One thing I absolutely loathe about the holiday season is how I will invariably always end up frustrated and hating my job because it's precisely at this period that they completely forget that teachers are human too, and instead treat us like cattle - creatures whose feelings can be easily disregarded and thrown at to pad up numbers. I hate being treated this way (but then again, would anyone like to be treated this way?) and feel like I lose a bit of myself. I lose the reason why I got into this profession in the first place, I lose my good temper and affability and I lose my health.

I am literally counting down the hours till I am off to Krabi with Ianthe. I need some of my vitality restored again before I turn into some child-management-eating monster. CHOMP I shall go, as I bite the head off some hapless human, and laugh I will over their blood splattering everywhere.

I am oh so weary and frustrated of my job now.

Then again even though I'm so tired of this job, I know I'm at least doing a passably good job of it when I see the smiles and cheerful goodbyes of my students. 

Elisha

If I had a son I'd like to call him Elisha. After all, I would want my son to be as awesome as his namesake and smite silly people to death by bears. I think I've found my new favourite passage from the Bible.

23 Then he went up from there to Bethel; and as he was going up by the way, young lads came out from the city and mocked him and said to him, “Go up, you baldhead; go up, you baldhead!” 24 When he looked behind him and saw them, he cursed them in the name of the LORD. Then two female bears came out of the woods and tore up forty-two lads of their number. (from 2 Kings 2:23-25)

In other news, work as of late has been tiring and draining. That being said, I've finally passed/finished my GRE! I got 156/170 for Quantitative, 161/170 for Verbal and 5/6 for Analytical Writing. I am quite pleased with my results, especially since I can now skip re-taking the paper in December! Hooray for the little victories in life :)

Memories of Animals Past

These are three photos that I finally, FINALLY took out of my DSLR camera. They were sitting there, in digital nowhereland for months, and they're all from Korea hahaha. I went there in February, so they were sitting there for a good few months.

I like animals. Especially dogs. For some reason when I went to Japan I didn't take any pictures of dogs even though there were quite a few shibas around. I suppose it's mainly because they were being walked by their owners or it was too dark.

As for the last picture, it depicts instructions to patrons of a Cat Cafe that I visited in Hongdae, Seoul. 

GRR GREs

Sat for the GREs today, on Armistice Day of all days, and got my marks back on the spot because it's all computerised now. For Verbal Reasoning I scored 161 and for Quantitative Reasoning I scored 156. As far as I'm concerned I've exceeded my own expectations for both categories, and now I'm left wondering whether I should take the exam one more time >.<

Still, I couldn't help grinning like mad when I got the final results. It was such a relief to know that I had made it after freaking out over math so much. That and the possibility I could throw all the math I re-learned just for this exam back into the great black void where it belonged. That I could forget every damn thing I re-learned about exponents, reciprocals and square roots. Anyway after all, I'm not applying for a PhD. We'll see.

Still, praise be to that lovely benevolent being up there!

Jiak Kentang

Haven't been writing online a lot recently. Not much to write I think. Usual go to work, loaf about and struggle to sit still and study, ye gads. Last week I fell sick again with the flu and struggled with it as I worked through the week. That was a pain.

On Saturday I went out with Chong Wee and Daryl to attend Daryl's first public poetry reading for his first published work(s) at the Singapore Writer's Festival (congrats again Daryl!). Someone gave Daryl a potato. Maybe it's to suggest Daryl Jiak Kentang (was a potato eater - someone who's more White than Chinese)? Either way Chong Wee and I beautified the poor potato and then we all left it at a prominent spot to grin at everyone. Beauteous potato.

Banana Unicorn

Or: Tamil Tiggers. Both phrases I heard I on Wednesday that were coined by strange, strange students.

Tonight as Gail and I left the office, it started to rain. The rain thankfully wasn't heavy because neither of us had umbrellas, but the droplets that did fall on us were these plump, fat things. Then when I got off at my bus stop to walk home I realised there was lightning in the sky too. It felt surreal watching the sky light up for the barest of moments at almost 11pm at night, and hearing the rumble of thunder not too far behind. I don't think I had encountered lightning or thunder the entire time I was in the UK, and definitely not while walking outdoors lately.

For those few moments that it took for me to cross the street and fumble with the gate, every time the sky flashed bright, my heart would clench a little in fear. The idea of being struck by lightning, being under a tree that was struck by lightning, the gate suddenly being struck by lighting as I tried to open it... The fear felt almost childish, but one I couldn't shake. It made me feel like a child again for a moment, to be afraid of lightning.

A few days ago, it started to rain and storm around 4am in the morning, The thunder was so loud that it woke me up. I've forgotten exactly what day it was, but as I realised while lying in bed and staring at the ceiling, it was the first time I recall being jolted awake by thunder. As I lay in bed, I thought for a moment that my house had been struck by lightning and the electricity supply had tripped. It turned out to be just my imagination. With every lightning strike, I watched my curtains illuminate with morbid horror. I ended up only being able to go back to sleep after the storm dissipated about twenty minutes later. 

Barking Up The Tree of Bad Math

I'm feeling quite frustrated now because I just tried to practice a section of basic arithmetic for the GRE and I made a right mess of it. Lots and lots of stupid mistakes, like reading the question wrongly or forgetting exponential rules. Or better yet, forgetting that 0 counts as a even integer ARGH.

Last week I didn't work because I was sick and contagious with a lovely bacterium called mycoplasma. It explained why I had been feeling so shitty as of late. I stayed at home most of the week rotting and questioning what the hell I was doing with my life, and feeling too disoriented to get any work done. That's a whole week of time down the drain ARGH. I did go to work on Tuesday and Thursday for a while to clear some urgent work, but that was about it.

While sending postcards today I noticed that they changed on the sign. Apparently SingPost no longer collects mail on Saturdays. I wonder if that's the case, whether they still deliver the post on Saturday. Probably no I suspect. Meanwhile, my brother has re-started his annoying habit of scrawling on each piece of incoming post that he can get his hands on.

I feel grumpy.

A Year of Experience

On Monday I went out with Tiffany, and felt quite reluctant to return home. To me returning home meant my weekend was over and that the work week was restarting again. Days of being tired and feeling rushed until the weekend (really Saturday evening for me) comes again. Plus while out on Monday I actually had to step aside and conduct a 40 minute phone call with a stressed out parent. The previous Friday she had emailed me, upset with the undone work she had found in her daughter's bag. I had answers as to how that happened alright, but I couldn't quite say them. Also in a way, that parent wasn't after just answers, she wanted to know everything. So I spent 40 minutes hiding next to a fire hose reel in a corner of Somerset 313 talking to her.

After the phone call, I felt incredibly stressed out and exasperated. I felt helpless and guilty at the same. Was it that I wasn't doing my job? Yes I was true that the past month-ish I haven't exactly been able to work to the best of my ability because of other problems, but were things really that bad? Then again, the only noticeable part of my work that seemed to have suffered was in my marking rates. And I hadn't exactly had other complaints from other parents or students. In fact, it really was just one class that had been giving me problems, my Thursday 5pm class of 11 year olds.

Then I sort of realised a few things as the days went by: 1) From speaking to my colleagues, I realised that the previous teacher hadn't been known for being particularly dedicated before 2) The class was itself problematic because of both the types of students in the class (huge range in capabilities, some are brilliant, others extremely weak in English), and their behaviour (which was to mercilessly tease a student, J) 3) I had been handed the class at a very awkward time - late June 2013 - right before I was due to travel to Japan, and also far too late for me to really have had any impact on their work 4) I was not as stern as feared as the previous teacher, and because they weren't self-motivated and mainly did their work out of fear, they were now lax about completing their homework.

Thinking of all of that sort of made me feel a bit better. I went to class on Thursday sort of dreading it, but telling myself to do as best as I could. I spoke to all of them and urged them to hand up and do their homework, if not for their sakes then mine at least ('cause I know they at least like me), and they all looked guilty. Then I took one boys who said majority of the nasty comments out and spoke to him one-on-one about all his hurtful comments (before I had only warned him in class). That boy told me that the previous teacher had been very mean to J, and they had just joined in for fun and she didn't stop them. I had to tell him that I didn't agree with what the previous teacher did, and that it wasn't right to be so mean to someone who was already so visibly downtrodden and discouraged. Thankfully he agreed with my reasoning.

The lesson itself wasn't eventful or notable. It was a mock examination paper, and they were slower than my two other Wednesday classes. Oh well. Still I stressed them out and they managed to complete everything on time. With 5 minutes left, I decided to show them the silly The Fox video to make them laugh. They really liked it, especially the silly sound effects chorus bit. J had been quite slow with finishing his work (as usual), so I asked him to stay back a bit for us to go through the paper. I was quite happy with him because before while he didn't even try at all, I could see him trying now even though the work was definitely very hard for him.

Tonight after my class finished at 9:30pm, I finally managed to snatch the time to give J's mum a call. I was worried I told her, that J was getting very discouraged because the work was simply too tough. It's hard psychologically to feel like you're always inferior, and the absurdly difficult work we often give our students would only exacerbate that. I was very concerned about him, I told her (and indeed I truly am because I always have a soft spot for the 'poor thing' students.) She told me however, that before he never really cared so much about his work, but now he even does his homework without much prompting from her end. That, and he was a lot more happier about going to class now. That made me feel a little nice and fuzzy on the inside. While I couldn't actually SEE whether I was helping his English language levels, I knew at least I had managed to make J's life a little more pleasant. And in a way it's things like this that keep me going, despite all my complaints about teaching. It's the idea that I can effect real change in the lives of students and make their lives easier.

That and remembering how my cheeky hyper Wednesday 2:30pm class of 11 year olds hid in the darkness to surprise me on Teacher's Day week. I was freaking out that they had all disappeared (because I saw them IN the class a few minutes before when I walked past) and walked into the classroom freaking out. Then they jumped out screaming 'Surprise! Happy Teacher's Day!' and then bombarded me with their gifts (tea for a student, cause she knows I love tea! And a nice box of Royce from another) as I stood by stunned, mouth agape. I wanted to strangle all of them, but they were giggling so much that one crazy kid even fell on the floor laughing.

Teaching is definitely not an easy job (especially if you want to do a good job), but for now I can't think of anything else in the world I'd rather be doing. 

Travel Wish List

Had a very tiring and vexing day at work today, so I will compose a list of Things I Really Want to See and Visit to make me feel inspired again. Plus if I ever feel shit, I can go back and look at the list and Remind Myself of Why I Am Working.

European Cities I Want to Visit:
- Dresden, Germany
- Berlin, Germany
- Marseille, France
- Madrid, Spain
- Seville, Spain

Sights in Latin America I Really Want to See:
- The Machu Picchu
- The Bolivian Salt Flats
- Llamas running around

Countries I Want to Visit and Poke Around:
- Russia
- Cuba

Places in North America I Want to Go to:
- San Francisco
- Monticello, Virginia
- Winchester House, California
- Montreal/Quebec City
- New Orleans
- Portland (hipster spotting?)

Countries I'd Like to Volunteer in:
- Vietnam
- Cambodia

URGH WHY AM I STUCK HERE ):

I Deserve a Medal!

I didn't expect to post so much within a matter of 3 days but yes the day has finally come, and I've worked a year! Today was also one of the most pleasant days I've had in a while, which was surprising since I stayed extra late and left only at about 10:30pm with Gail because of marking I had to complete. Maybe it was the exercise I did this morning, which left me feeling more refreshed than exhausted (a rare thing, I assure you). Perhaps it was lunch, which I had with Ianthe at Professor Brawn Cafe, which was nice because of the company (the food quality there has sadly declined ): ). It could have been the class I taught, which although was a relief class, was a class I had taught a few times before and liked. They're nice, good natured kids with a lovely sense of humour. Plus they laugh at my jokes, and pipe up to answer open questions. Or maybe it was even having a nice takeaway dinner from Once Upon a Thyme. Either way, it was a nice pleasant day and I got to clear work.

That being said, because I have (HORRORS) three classes tomorrow, I still need to do some preparation work despite the late hour. Also as a result, I predict in approximately 24 hours times I will be utterly exhausted and frustrated with everything again. Plus perhaps maybe wanted to strangle a child or two.

Still, it's nice to feel happy and contented :) 

Mooncakes and Memories

Today I finally managed to venture to the Mooncake Festival Fair at Takashimaya's basement. Last time I used to always go there with my Mum when I accompanied her shopping on Saturdays. This year we've not been out clothes shopping together once at all, namely because I work on Saturdays. This time I went with Tiffany, and it really was by chance rather than deliberate design that we ended up there, as we had originally started out at Somerset MRT and wandered over after we had dinner had Sushi Express. I must say, the bill at Sushi Express took us both by surprise at $10 a person. And as Tiff put it, it's practically NEVER that you're surprised in a a good way at the dinner bills in Singapore.

Anyway at the Mooncake Festival, I set off to find my favourite snowy Mooncake booth, and we found it! I remembered the box and the flavours available, and I felt quite pleased to be able get those yummy Mooncakes again, nevermind that they're horridly bad for you :x It felt funny/nice to be able to repeat this 'tradition', though I didn't do it last year nor remember when was the last time I had Mooncakes from that specific store. I do however, remember doing it two years in a row. Maybe when I was about 18 and 19, before I left for London? Not sure anymore. Still, 2 yummy Mooncakes for $13 :)

While out with Tiff, I also bought Ender's Game by Orson Scott Card. We spoke a little about it before when we were teaching the students some lesson months ago, and I remembered it as one of those Sci-Fi books that are Must Reads, just like Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep? and Flowers for Algernon. Am currently reading a whole bunch of entertaining Jeffrey Archer shorts now, which is a bit like candy floss for the brain.

Felt extremely reluctant to go home today, mainly because it really signalled the end of my weekend. Am not looking forward to work because it'll be a long week (as usual) with all sorts of difficult things that make me feel like grunting in (anticipated) frustration. I had a 40 minute phone call today from a stressed out parent, making me feel very stressed out too. The workload feels never ending and there's little or no downtime (unless you've forgotten about all your work). Still, tomorrow will mark my 1 year anniversary with the firm. Ho.

Almost a Year

It's been almost a year since I started working at M/s L and last Saturday, for the first time ever (hoho), I wore jeans to work. I haven't worn jeans in some time, and I must say I miss how comfy they are compared to other types of trousers. It's nice to feel it lightly hugging you, see it not crease oddly and not roll up and get stuck to your calves.

It's also been a year since I last flew back from London. Sometimes I see pictures of London, or see snippets of it in travel shows. I do miss it because going out was much more fun there, lots of things (that interest me) to see and something worthwhile always happening somewhere, but I'm happy to have been home for a year. I am able to spend a lot of time with my family, and in a way I never need to fret about occupying myself or feeling lonely because they're always around.

On a side note, I've been getting tension headaches again. I used to get them a lot when I was about 14, and in Secondary 2, but I stopped getting afterwards. I still remember the medicine I had for that: these blue pills called Anarex. In Uni Year 1 I had some pretty bad headaches too, but those were more like migraines if I recall. Oh well. Hopefully this round will pass after a while too. 

186

Today after Math class, I took 186 all the way to my Mama's place. It was predictably quite a long ride, meandering through parts of Singapore like River Valley and Queenstown. Still I got a seat, and kept looking outside as the bus drove on. It then occurred to me that the last time I was at Tanjong Pagar on a Sunday was many years ago, when I was 16 to be exact and interning at M/s M. Mr Tan had asked me to go back to work on Sunday (even after I had been in on Saturday) to help speed up the zapping of Court of Appeal documents. I had arrived at the office around 10am, and found it shut. After hanging about for an hour, I got fed up and left, walking to Tanjong Pagar to blow off some steam. That was the last time I recall being there and seeing the area so oddly empty.

The other time I suppose (thought I don't recall seeing as much), was when I did the Nike 10k Human Race with classmates from 6.9 in 2008. I remember puffing past the Singapore Chinese Orchestra Hall, but that was about it. Funny how a place can act as an anchor, linking so many disparate and not-usually-thought-of memories.

I felt quite tired and out of it today. Yesterday I had 3 classes. This week I taught 10 in total. Needless to say I have quite a bit of marking too. My mood this/these week/weeks has been very strange. I seem to be bouncing between outright rage and frustration with the senior management at work, to feeling like I can't do anything right at all. Meanwhile I just feel very tired. Even if I get enough sleep, I still feel like there's cotton wool stuffed into my joints, muscles and veins. Parts of my body ache for much longer after workouts than before too. I'm not sure if it's because I'm not eating as much as before, or whether I'm getting anaemia again.

Meanwhile even though it's been more than a week, I'm still reading Catch-22 by Joseph Heller. It's a strange and thick book without much of a plot to really dive into, but cleverly written nonetheless. It's also one of those books that you can pick up easily even after days of not reading it, simply because not much of what you've read before matters to the rest of the story. Ho. 

Tuesday

Today I finally packed up my entire desk at work, along with the rest of the office. Although we're only supposed to really vacate tomorrow ("at 2359 hours" according to the silly text they sent out), most of my colleagues have already packed up, and so I decided to join them. The last time my desk was this empty was when I first started work, and even then that lasted about a week before I started piling things on. I'll stuff my little red panda into the box tomorrow.

I feel daft today.

Broadchurch and Weekend

I finished watching Broadchurch on Friday night, and powered through the last three episodes at a go 'cause I couldn't resist. Olivia Colman is a fine, fine actress. Her performance, especially in the last episode, had tears pricking at my eyes. Still fun to think of her as Sophie from the Peep Show though, haha. Loved David Tennant in the show too.

It's Monday night now, and my 'weekend' is sadly over. Not sure where it went really, but then again I did do quite a few things.

Saturday was the usual round of classes and marking. Gail came over around lunchtime to do stuff and we ate at Rotisserie. Then I went home and ended up playing Tropico and reading Catch-22 till I went to bed.

Sunday I had lunch with my parents and Guo Mah at a Porridge Place in Katong. Then we drove about the area looking at the old '40s and '50s style houses, which I have to admit was pretty interesting. Pity how few of them are left, and how the lots have since been subdivided. Around 4pm, I met Shu, HM and Tiff at Holland Village to catch up. At 5:45pm-ish I left to see Mama because she wanted to talk to me about something. It turned out to be about some silly chain mail letter she read, about two girls having their kidneys stolen when theWy went to Thailand for a holiday. Goodness.

After hanging out with Mama a little, and assuaging her fears, I left to meet Gen, Yihang and Jiayun at La Petite Cuisine. Yihang and Jia were late, so Gen and I drank and Snapple and waited. Then they came and we all ordered. Yum. By then the place was winding down, and the staff looked a lot less stressed. We then went to Maconalds to hang out and talk. To my amusement, a whole section of the place was taken up by guys watching an EPL match. Didn't even know Macdonalds had a TV.

Today I was woken up by my phone vibrating to texts, and decided to go cut my hair before my GRE class. Amusingly, and probably evidence about how easily cowered I am by hairdressers, my hairdresser asked me how I handle my students when I am so (斯文) si wen. This made me terribly amused because it flew in the face of how I thought of myself.

After that I headed to Nam Nam to have beef pho and drown summer rolls in Maggi seasoning sauce, before taking the train to Tanjong Pagar. I also discovered the best way to get to Springleaf Tower is actually to just exit at International Plaza and cross the road. Then I had a 3 hour Math lesson, which made me feel both mentally tired and exhilarated (Math actually makes sense now!). Came home and ended up reading Catch-22. Also spoke to Shu on Skype for about an hour and a half about graduated courses and universities.

Back to more reading now.

Broke August and September

It's just the 1st of September but I'm already broke, cause I needed to use a hefty chunk of my pay for August to pay off credit card bills. September hence, will have to be a broke month in order to avoid chalking up even MORE credit card bills. Yikes.

I noticed that August crawled by really slowly. In fact time seems to crawl by really slowly nowadays, unless I'm napping or need to finish work urgently. Maybe it's because I'm broke and counting down the days till payday again :o

Wide Sargasso Sea

Finished reading Jean Rhys' The Wide Sargasso Sea today. I had to teach it months ago for an Unseen Prose piece that was hard as hell, because of a lack of context. After that lessons and talking to my colleagues, I realised that it was a book that greatly beguiled me, and so bought it off Book Depository. I am glad to have read it, especially given recent events, as it struck an extra special chord with me. That and the title: The Wide Sargasso Sea. Lovely, full rounded vowels that roll off one's tongue, with a hint of sibilance for that bit of ominousness. An idea of a body of water so large that one can comfortably fall back into it and sink silently into its depths. Gave it a 4.5/5 in my reading notebook.

-----

On Monday, much to the amusement of myself and all around me, I attended my first Math class. In preparation for applying for a Masters degree for the Fall 2014 intake, I need to sit for my GREs. Before that however, I need to actually get to an acceptable level again of Math capability. Urgh. Math was never one of my better subjects, and true enough when I sat for a diagnostic test I bombed the Math section. So I signed up for classes (I harbour little illusions about my limited Math capabilities). Which cost a bomb, but get the job done I suppose. I feel like I remember a lot more about my Sec 2 Math already after just one session, ho.

Also in other news, on Saturday night I went over to Ianthe's house to hang out with her and Steph. There, Ianthe and I also finally booked a trip in Dec to Krabi. Am looking forward to it even though it's months away. Whatever keeps you going, eh?

Pillow Safety Suit

I stumbled up a very silly website called markdg.com, and wandered onto his inventions page. It makes me giggle in the worst possible sort of way, ohoho.

Above is a picture of his Pillow Safety Suit invention. I wish I had one of those. Then I could just roll around on the floor if I wanted to get to anywhere and wouldn't need to walk anymore. Roll about in a nice, soft and squishy suit. Mmm.

Iron Mountain Boxes

Recently M/s L have embarked on a harebrained cost saving exercise which requires all us teachers to relinquish our desks. It was a move that was widely met with disapproval (surprise!) from all the teachers because HEY we're teachers and our jobs involve lots of papers that need to be stored in an organised manner, lest they get mixed up or lost. Whoever thought up the idea was evidently not a teacher, nor has ever been one.

In order to facilitate this move of extreme stupidity, the office ordered cardboard boxes for us. Two boxes each, which we had to sign out for, because you know disgruntled employees would take extra boxes to resell on the black market or something. Anyway the boxes came yesterday, the same day we had our Teacher's Day lunch (COINCIDENCE?! I THINK NOT :O) So after I finished my 9:30pm class I went to look at the boxes, since some fool left them all stacked behind my desk for collection, and I was intrigued.

At a glance of all the perforation lines on the flat packed boxes, I realised that we were reckoning with not your regular sort of cardboard box, but a super-special transformer type box. Even though I didn't intend to pack many things away, I decided to grab a box and start folding it, and BOY WAS I IMPRESSED. This was a box like no other. Everything folded and tucked neatly into each other, without the need for any masking tape. It was sturdy, folded into itself, and when you had to fold it into itself the takeout tabs would just fly out with a wonderful POP. This my friends, was the Rolls Royce of cardboard boxes.

When I stayed in the UK I moved house a total of 2 times, and use normal cardboard boxes each time. Then when I went home, I packed my stuff into 6 boxes of varying sizes and shipped them all back to Singapore by cargo ship. As a result, I'll like to think I've dealt with my fair share of boxes for a 23 year old, and knew all about them. Little did I know about IRON MOUNTAIN CARDBOARD BOXES, which are a veritable feat of great design and engineering, rolled into a humble cardboard box. I SHIT YOU NOT THEY ARE AMAZING.

So amazing in fact, that I think this design is the magnum opus of someone's entire life. Like someone went to engineering school just to come up with it's ingenious design. Whoah. Too bad I forgot to take a picture, perhaps I'll do so tomorrow.

Did you know that I get amazed by very inane and mundane things?

A Kernel of Dried Corn

Recently HR sent out an e-mail that offended the whole office cause the tone was incredibly patronising. The moment person zero saw it, she started sending on mass texts to her friends telling them to read the email, which was then passed on to more people until the whole office had scrambled to read it. When I read it, I just laughed and shrugged it off. I mean, silly is what silly is right? Unbeknownst to me, the email had actually severely pissed off the rest of my office. Today when I had lunch with a colleague, she spoke angrily about the email and the reactions of other staff at her branch, and I was kind of stunned. It never even occurred to me to be offended.

Dunno, just one anecdote of many about how I'm not thinking the same as before. Not sure if it's a new malaise or a temporary one.

I feel tired and strained.

18 August 2013

Today I learnt about flight KAL 007 that crashed in 1983, a casualty of the Cold War that no one quite talks about in History books. Due to a serious of human errors and having mistaken the plane for a spy plane, the Soviets ended up shooting the passenger jet down. When they showed the reenactments of the plane bouncing up and down and the passengers screaming inside, it was kind of depressing.

In other news I am sick, down with the flu or something similar. I spent most of today sleeping, and still don't feel any better. I am however, tearing through A Visit From The Goon Squad during my waking moments. It's a nice, fun book.

My students have also started to notice patterns for when I'm feeling unwell. Namely that I am grumpier and am more disoriented, less mentally organised. Funny kids. One the students that I liked from my Saturday class had her last lesson yesterday, and she gave me an early Teacher's Day present and card. The card is sitting on my desk now, looking at me. Aww.

Bali Traffic

Went to Bali this past long weekend with my parents. Hari Raya Puasa coincided nicely with National Day and the weekend, so I took leave for Saturday and flew to Bali with my parents for a 4 day 3 night trip. Bali I must say, was nothing like I remembered, in a bad way. We stayed in a really beautiful hotel, but outside, the Seminyak area, left much to be desired. Traffic was terrible, and on the 3rd day when we went walking around outside during the evening, I even got asthma from prolonged exposure to the traffic pollution. Furthermore we also discovered a dodgy money changed had pulled a con on my Mum, which quite ruined the mood for that night.

Good news is, my Mum went to confront him the next day and he gave her back the IDR 500,000 (SGD 65). I felt really proud of my Mum for doing that, but I found out later it's cause she didn't realise confronting even a two-bit criminal is dangerous. Hahaha my Mum. I also managed to polish off two books and a graphic novel, and got to relax by the beach and go for spa-thingies.

All in all, I'm glad for the break from Singapore. It was nice to be physically in another spot, but I must say it was definitely not one of the better trips I have been on.

Meanwhile, back to work and life, and endless "Theft at the Mall" essays urk.

Hedgeh

BTW JFYI - I am now a free agent. What ever that means. No I have not lost my job, but I've lost something else that sort of ties people down/together. I will plod through this with various higher doses of medication, family and friends. Just that in the meanwhile, I will be utterly useless and unreliable as a human being. 

I decided after poking about Book Depository (yes! Grief spending!!!) to start a book journal with one of the numerous notebooks I have around. I picked a yellow pantone one which I thought I liked when I bought it, but now no longer like so much. Anyway using my archival pen, I doodle a hedgehog sort-of looking at an apple. It was meant to be a smiley hedgehog but WELL, I guess my mood diffused into my drawing. It now sort of looks forlornly at an apple it cannot reach unless it tip-toed. Can hedgehogs tip-toe anyway? Maybe I'll add a well placed rock near it's front feet or something in the future when I am less tranquillised.

Postcrossing

I feel a bit better now after writing some postcards for postcrossing. I guess it's the feeling that I can still cheer people up that makes me feel slightly better. Still feel however, like a large boulder is pressing down in the middle of my chest.

I guess I ought to go shower and test out that new bison shower curtain. 

Bison Shower Curtain

Ever since Sunday morning, I have felt like a dark cloud has descended on me, and I haven't been able to smile since then. Everything feels incredibly straining and I'd like nothing more than to just hide in my bed all day and avoid outside contact.

In other news I finally changed the shower curtain in the bathroom today. The previous one had been hanging there for a good number of years. This new one was bought from Ikea today, after I went there with my Dad for lunch. It's a bit too long though.

Japan 2013 Part 1

Came back from Japan last week Tuesday around 2pm, after my flight leaving Tokyo was delayed for about 1 and a half hours. We had already all boarded the plane and were waiting for the plane to start taxiing and all before the announcement about a refuelling problem came over the PA system and apologised for the short delay. Exhausted and glad that I had the entire row to myself, I went to sleep.  When I woke up about an hour later I discovered that our plane still had not budged one bit! Seemed a strange end to a trip that had been marked by extremely efficient transport.

Fri - 5th July 2013 - Singapore to Tokyo
Joaquin picked me up from Haneda airport around 11pm when my flight came in, which was nice :) We took the JR line train all the way to Kanda station, then got lost for a bit before figuring out the way to the hotel. We had originally wanted to take a taxi, but the taxi drivers didn't seem to understand the address/us, so we ended up walking about 20 minutes+ all the way to the hotel through the business district, sticky and uncomfortable from the heat of the night.

Next to the hotel, Hotel Horidome Villa (which I can't possibly recommend more!), was a nice Family Mart. There I bought some odd aglio olio pasta to eat because I was incredibly hungry, and some other light snacks. I admit to being thrilled by the selection they had in the shop, and had great trouble deciding what to get. By the time I had showered, eaten and unpacked, it was already about 1:30am in the morning, and I was exhausted. Went to sleep late that night.

Sat - 6th July 2013 - Tokyo
Woke up around 11am because we were exhausted from yesterday. We groggily showered and headed out of the room, and grabbed a bite at one of those cheap vending-machine-rice-don places nearby before hopping on the subway and heading to Shibuya. One of the things I really wanted to look for when we got there was the statue of Hachiko, and I wanted to take a photo next to it. However Hachiko was surrounded by bored looking Japanese waiting for their friends, and I felt awkward. Ended up taking a picture of Joaquin next to it instead.

Based on the recommendations of the Shibuya tourist guide we picked up, we headed for Tokyu Hands department store, which is MY MOST FAVOURITE DEPARTMENT STORE ON EARTH (that place used to be taken by El Corte Ingles). It's filled with an assortment of things like bicycles, backpacks, cute stationary and a lovely rooftop cafe. We spent quite some time there, much to Joaquin's chagrin, and I bought random stuff like a stretchy banana for my brother and llama stickers. When we finally ventured out of the store we were hit by a wave of incredible heat (a theme that repeated every few hours, every day for out entire trip) and we walked about, people watching, before going into a Uniqlo. Joaquin bought clothes and I bought a hat for 990 yen.

After that we got lost looking for Bic Camera (which we thought was Big Camera), which was frustrating cause we were both getting tired and overheated - and ended up resting in a Mcdonald's. Then we walked towards Harajuku and Omotesando, and looked for food. We ended up in some odd basement place that sold udon, which was good, and then we walked about for a little bit more before taking the train back to Suitengumae and our hotel. We were both exhausted and tired, and ended up watching My Neighbour Totoro before going to bed. The heat was crazy punishing!

Sun - 7th July 2013 - Tokyo
We woke up around 10am this time, still fairly tired, and headed for the Edo-Tokyo Museum over at Ryogoku. Before that, I think we ate some cheap chirashi-don somewhere near the subway station. It was a nice museum, which explained the history of Tokyo and had all these sort of nice life-sized models of old houses. There were interactive exhibits too, for you to pick up and pose with, like night soil buckets and penny farthings. Leaving the museum, we hopped onto the JR line and went to Akihabara (which Mona, Joaquin's friend, called 'creepy town' to my amusement).

The place was swarming with guys, and most of the single females there seemed to be working and were dressed up in silly cosplay-like outfits, all melting as they stood at the pavement to attract business.  We entered some shops and random, and found stuff like anime crackers and figurines, cosplaying stuff. My favourite shop was this one shop filled with gashapon machines, stacked up on top of one another. The creepiest stuff like of naked little girls was on the top, but the bottom machines had stuff like cat magnets and rambo figurines, for about 200 yen each. I think the porny ones were 400 yen++. I felt happy being there 'cause it really reminded me of being a child HAHA, and ended up spending about 1000 yen on random things.

After that, we headed to Ueno station to meet Mona. It was raining, so we ended up hiding in the station for a bit before heading to a Panda Cafe in Ueno Park itself to wait out the rain. Upon leaving we came across another gashapon machine and I got a cute red panda handphone thingy upon my second try! The first was a normal panda which we gave to Mona. Then we walked around the park before heading to the Ameyoko side to walk about. Dinner was at a smoky izakaya, and after that we went to sing karaoke for an hour. I chose Ray Charles' Hit the Road Jack and Queen's Bohemian Rhapsody to sing, haha. Then, we said goodbye to Mona and went back to the hotel.

Mon - 8th July 2013 - Tokyo to Takayama
We checked out and got to Tokyo Station around 9am to get our JR Passes arranged, and have breakfast at Mcdonald's before boarding the shinkansen to Nagoya. On the train, I fell dead asleep and luckily woke up about 20 minutes before the train was due to stop at Nagoya. I managed to get a sandwich at the station before we boarded the next Hida train to Takayama. The Hida train had these large nice glass windows you could look out of as the train wound its way through the valleys of the Japanese alps, and the other tourists in the train kept taking photos.

We arrived at Takayama station around 2:10pm and went to look for a place to grab a bite for Joaquin. We found a nice cafe and I sneakily ate my sandwich there, while he enjoyed a sandwich and a coffee. We went back to the station after that and called the minshuku we were supposed to stay at - Iwatakan - and they told us to take a cab there. We arrived at the minshuku to find it completely empty of guests except for us, and rested a while before decided to venture out. Again it was meltingly hot, and we had great trouble looking for a place to even buy a bottle of water. Takayama was a small town, in the middle of off-peak season. Somewhere along the line Joaquin walked into some blinds which had a pole of wood hidden inside, and started to feel dizzy as a result. We ended up resting by the riverside for a bit before walking back.

That night we had dinner in the minshuku. It was huge, and exquisite. After dinner we went to enjoy the hot springs in the minshuku itself, and ate some of the squished plums that I had bought earlier.

Tues - 9th July 2013 - Takayama
We were woken up dreadfully early in the morning by the landlady for breakfast, which again was huge and great. Then we went up to sleep again HAHA. We finally left around 10am with bicycles, and cycled over to the main station to catch a bus to Hida Folk Village. On our way there, we stopped by a morning market and I had an ice cream and Joaquin a coffee. I also bought some small knickknacks, like a green sarubobo doll magnet.

When we arrived at Hida Folk Village, the place was pretty empty. The first section had children's toys like traditional water shooters made out of bamboo and stilts, while the rest were old traditional houses of all types that had been moved for various reasons. There we saw all types of gassho-zukris. I don't even remember how many houses we saw... must've been something like 15! The small rest house with the vending machines was great there too, and I accidentally bought an iced cocoa instead of iced milk tea for 120 yen, and it was damned the tastiest thing I ever had. While waiting for the bus back, we were so hungry that we went to the gift shop to eat stale free samples.

After getting back to the main town area, we immediately went to look for lunch and settled at some beef place near the main bridge across the river. I remember being ravenously hungry, and it being about 2pm. When we finished, we cycled about the old town area to look at the old Edo-style houses, like the Kusakabe House. Then we doubled back to one of my favourite museums ever, the Showa Museum which featured all sorts of random items from the 1950s and 1960s. Although it was stifling inside the museum, we spent a good 45 minutes at least in that tiny place exploring all the rooms like a hairdresser's, camera shop and even a classroom. LOVED the place.

We headed over to sannomachi after that, and parked our bikes and walked around. When we had walked through all the lanes of sannomachi, we cycled about a bit more before sitting by the riverside. I read a bit of The Tiger's Wife while Joaquin napped, as we waited for dinner time to come. Finally when the sun started to set around 6:30pm, we went to cycle about and look for food, and found a nice place. I had a pork shabu shabu for about 1400 yen, which I remember being absolutely delicious :) then we cycled back and headed to the nearby Lawsons first, before being stunned by the sheer amount of caucasian tourists there. They were all clutching fruit to their breasts. I remember wondering where the hell they had gotten the fruit from.

Sure enough when we got back to the minshuku we were greeted by an army of indoor slippers taken out at the foyer. We were no longer alone in the minshuku. From the bits of information we overheard, the large group had come from a tour. They were pleasant and non-rowdy. About half the group was middle aged, and the rest in their twenties as far as I could tell. Still it was hard not to feel a bit grudging towards them, considering that we had the run of the place the day before. I remember reading more at night, before going to sleep.

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I actually went to work today, to clear some stacks that had been weighing on my mind and conscience. I was pretty damn grumpy, especially in the beginning, especially since the kopitiam uncles gave me Teh instead of Teh Ping ): At about 2:30pm, I met up with Tiff for a break since she was giving tuition downstairs and we had the tea time set thing in Bakerzin. Like tai tais, but without actually having the free time or the money. Then I headed back to work till about 5:15pm, when my parents came to give me a lift home. I am still unshowered, having spent the last 1 and half hours writing this. Still, it's nice because it allows me to relive a very, very nice holiday :)

Beat the Reaper

Met Daryl for lunch today, and ended up returning home with 5 books - 2 from the National Library. The day was woefully hot, and we both felt sort of dissatisfied, so we ended up wandering from Bugis to Duxton to Chinatown. It was nice seeing him after a year, catching up and talking about silly things, and going around in search of good books. I think we pored over every inch of Littered With Books at Duxton Road.

The five books I returned home with were:
1) Josh Bazell - Beat the Reaper (NLB)
2) Bragi Olafsson - The Ambassador (NLB)
3) Joshua Ferris - The Unnamed
4) Dinaw Mengestu - How to Read the Air
5) Michael Ondaatje - The Cat's Table

That being said, I'm still reading Tea Obreht's The Tiger's Wife. I know it's been widely lauded, but somehow I never quite picked up the pace of the book, even after carrying it all over Japan with me. I hope to finish it by tonight, so I can move on to Beat the Reaper which looks highly amusing.

The first line of Beat the Reaper goes, "so I'm on my way to work and I stop to watch a pigeon fight a rat in the snow, and some fuckhead tries to mug me!"

Looking forward to starting it. 

Oops

Ok, my Mum just opened my door. Apparently the text I just sent her woke her up, and she confirmed that I had given it to my Mama for her birthday or something. Urgh why am I such a scatterbrain?!

I am hungry.

More To Lose It In

I've just spent the last 30 minutes+ digging through pretty much all of my room (except clothes cupboards and bookcase) looking for a foldable shopping bag that I had bought when I came back from London. I hadn't even used the damn thing once D: and now I can't bloody find it. Except now come to think of it as I'm typing this, I might have given it to my Grandma as a gift. Damnit I can't remember anymore, and if I can't I'm sure she won't be able to as well. ANYWAY I have come to the conclusion that there is a lot of shit in my room. Some of the stuff dates back to when I was studying IB, as evinced by my textbooks still hanging out. Others just came about from other parts of the house and settled there, like the eternal yellow flashlight on my desk that was bought when we went trekking in Nepal in 2009.

My bedroom is also the de facto family room. My Mum comes to dry her hair and store her lesser used clothes, my Dad uses it as his office and Ryan comes to destroy things and lie about. Then there was also a time when my Mum used to store all sorts of random stuff like extra Teachers Day gifts in my room too, but that's now been shifted to Ryan's room. Digging through all the random drawers and plastic containers in my room, I found the most random of things like: gifts from South Korea that I had hidden from my brother, chocolates for students, a dozen free gift pouches of good quality, all the cloth belts from my dresses than I thought had gone missing and my skipping rope. Actually I thought the skipping room was downstairs in the living room, and have no idea how it migrated upstairs. Point is I feel unaware of where things are in my space!

It makes me almost miss my room in Marchmont Street. It was so small and I was the one who always kept it tidy, so I knew where things were (90% of the time at least). This room is so much more bigger, less private, and managed by a zealous maid who likes things neat. I cannot keep track of things URGH.

I just realised there's even a house phone that no longer works next to me on my desk. Sigh.

Huggies or Drypers

In a few days, I will attend my first Baby's First Month celebration. The closest thing we have to a Western Baby Shower, the guests usually bring something useful for the Mum/Baby and leave with Dyed Red Eggs and Sponge Cake. I'm not sure of the relevance of the guest's gifts but, hey they're usually tasty enough. Maybe I'll find out this Sunday. Anyway a colleague for M/s L has just gone and had little Baby E, and I mentioned it to my Dad when we were out today. He said buying diapers was usually a good idea, and when I texted the New Mum, she said Huggies or Drypers. So a-hunting I will go over the next few days for Huggies or Drypers.

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Today was a strange day. I woke up with the full intention of just staying home and ordering Pizza in, and ended up all over in places I never thought of. It first started when I woke up and realised my Dad was still home. He asked me to go to Johor Bahru with him, and looking at the sky (cause it seemed nice and clear today), said OK. So off we went to JB, and had fish porridge for lunch. Then we went grocery shopping, and he ran some errands. We managed to cross the border back to Singapore by 4:00pm, and straight away headed downtown to run more errands.

First stop was Change Alley, where I finally went to change money for my upcoming Japan trip with Joaquin. Then we headed to Marina Square to collect some home entertainment system for my Grandmama that she got with some credit card promotion. It was when my Dad was topping up his ERP card for the car that he got a call from my Grandmama that derailed the rest of our plans. She was in Plaza Singapura, and in a lot of pain. She wanted my Dad to come over and help her. She also mentioned she couldn't walk.

So off we went, first to a Church Friend's house to borrow his wheelchair. Recently he had gotten into an accident. While rounding a bend in his spiffy 500cc motorbike (I think), he had lost his balance and fell off the motorbike. The motorbike then fell on top of him, and broke his leg. Anyway, he had a wheelchair handy, so my Dad drove to his place to borrow it.

Then we headed to Plaza Singapura to pick up Mama and Matthew, who had gone there to watch a movie and have lunch. They were sitting in the food court.

Then we drove to Tan Tock Sing Hospital's Accident and Emergency department, which was quite a mess. We waited about 30 minutes for her the see the triage nurse. Then Mama got directed to the X-Ray department and we couldn't follow her any longer, so I took Matthew back to Mama's in a cab, then headed home myself.

I feel quite headachy now. Need to plan for tomorrow's relief teaching class at 1pm. 

Dilbert and Haze

I sort of feel a bit like this now from work. Am feeling really tired and would LOVE to just stop teaching and be able to clear all those compositions that have been weighing on my mind. Unfortunately that's not about to happen any time soon. Instead the haze has gone and reduced my productivity by at least 30% by making me feel giddy and mentally displaced from whatever is in front of me. I took an MC today, hoping that I could rest and get well for the rest of the week, unfortunately the damn thing's gone and peaked at 290+ which means my resting today could well nigh be in vain.

I'm currently reading Vanity Fair now by William Makepeace Thackeray. I can't remember when I started it, Saturday or Sunday evening perhaps, and am now quite besotted. Only thing I must say about it that's bad is that it is slow paced (considering I just finished a PD James novel - Death in Holy Orders) and it is INCREDIBLY heavy and thick, making reading it in a comfortable position pretty unattainable.

I currently taste smoke and ash at the back of my throat. Seriously. 

Dustbin

Yesterday I went out with my Dad to pick up Ryan and go to Toyogo to buy plastic drawers. There, I found a nice small dustbin for $1.80. We bought the dustbin. For the past week or so, I've been dustbin-less in the office because the Cleaning Aunty took the bin away, because some asshats have been throwing food leftovers into the bin. It's like nevermind that we're university educated professionals, we're still not mature enough to have our own damn bin because people aren't civic-minded enough. Anyway stupid shit tossed into the bin aside, I realised the Cleaning Aunty couldn't take the bin away if it was a proper plastic thing, rather than a makeshift bin made of a cardboard box. So yeah I bought a bin. I'll bring it after the next makeshift bin gets tossed away, since I managed to make one just last Friday, complete with a sign telling people to NOT TOSS FOOD WASTE into it. 

Quite tired because I stayed late to work in the office, and I still have more to prepare for lessons tomorrow. Urgh. 

I have a supermassive craving for Thosai now ):

156

Took the 156 back home today as usual, except this time I got one of those old early 2000s type rickety-shuddery buses rather than the new sleek stable ones. The interior was pretty dark as some of the ceiling lightbulbs has blown, and the windows were frosted beyond belief with thick droplets on condensation. In short you couldn't really read on the bus (as I am wont to do every time with BBC on my phone) or look thoughtfully out the window. Plus I started to develop a headache from being shaken about. I tried closing my eyes initially, but somehow felt even worse. Instead as the bus trundled  down its route, I started looking around.

As a prominent stop, a male Indian boy and a Chinese girl got on the bus and sat right in front of me. I mention the race because I have a soft spot for mixed race couples, and I was somehow eager to see something different on the bus. Maybe she'd lean on his shoulder or something. Anyway she soon got off, telling him to 'let her know how things go'. I was about to turn back to attempting to read the news of my phone when I noticed he was holding his phone up so high, that I could read his texts. My eyes were also drawn to the fact that he was typing 'Fuckkkkkkkkkk' into my phone.

Shamefully, I ended up eyes-dropping on him. There was simply nothing else to do on the bus to keep me stimulated or entertained, and I longed to be off and reach home. The best thing seemed to be keeping mentally occupied, so I wouldn't notice how damn slow the bus was moving. I surmised that he was probably texting a sister, as their exchange centered mainly around him being horrendously late for something, and the word that cropped up in almost every reply back to her was 'Fuckkkkkkkkkk' with multiple 'k's. Poor lad. I assume it's his Dad he's worried about, considering his age.

He got off a few stops before me, so I assume whatever he was fearing on the bus has either come true around now, or has already passed. This sort of reminds me a little about Das Leben Der Anderen, but is obviously more selfish and anti-social. Oops.

I had a long and tiring day at work. 

Populaire

Just got back from watching Populaire with Shu and Tiff. The movie was at 7pm, and around 11am I got notice from The Office that they wanted me to teach a class at 5pm. Oh boy did I pray to wriggle out of it! In the end I managed to get a 3pm class, and snuck out early from work, feeling utterly rotten. I figured I had lesson prep left, and I could do that at home anyway. Just like I plan to do in about 30 minutes time. I ran into Tiff at the train station at around 6:45pm, and we rushed to buy Burger King to eat in the cinema. Shu went to collect tickets, and we made it into the theatres a few minutes late... only to be inundated by more trailers HAHAHA. I guess they figured 7pm was a tight timing for the working crowd.

Populaire was lovely. Much nicer than The Great Gatsby. Certainly more intelligent and charming. I loved Deborah Francois in the movie. Everything, from her clothes to her cute ponytail, was amazing. Ahh, to be French, beautiful and quirky. The male lead however, Romain Duris, reminded me of Sarkozy for some odd reason. That kind of killed any sex appeal he was supposed to have, for me. Also realised this was the first movie I watched with Shu and Tiff since coming back to Singapore. Woo.

It's currently Week 36 since I started working. Sometimes I feel like I know what I'm doing, other times I feel like I'm utterly hopeless and a shit at my job. I wonder if this on-and-off self-doubt/double-thinking is normal, or healthy?

Spiders and Kennedys

Recently a spider has taken up residence in my bathroom. It seems to be fairly nocturnal, because I only see it at night. Then again that could say more about my waking hours than the spider's actual habits, but I never see it in the afternoon. When I first saw it, it gave me an unpleasant surprise because it was awfully large - about 5 cm in diameter - bloody huge for a house spider. BRRRRR. That time I managed to scare it off by tossing some extra water I had in a cup in its direction. After that I kept seeing it around. About after a week I got used to seeing it hanging about on the ground. It would stay completely still if I was around, which suited me fine. I have no desire to squish things as long as they do not come towards me.

One day however while on the loo, I started counting its legs and somehow counted 6. This led to some minor soul/brain searching as I tried to figure out how I had confused it for a spider, followed by dammit-I'm-sure-it-was-a-spider. The next time I went to the bathroom and saw the spider, I counted its legs again and this time got 7. So it was a 1-leg-less spider. I wondered how it lots its leg.

When I finished showering today, I spotted it hanging off the wall near the shower curtains. Never actually saw it anywhere but on the floor before, so that kind of gave me a little shock. Still it's strange how people get used to things. I guess it has partly to do with the fact that I think spiders are far more acceptable than other sorts of insects, and how all this one does is stay still or scamper away from me. I doubt I'd ever have this sort of odd relationship with URGH a cockroach.

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Tuesday as usual is a day spent preparing for Wednesday. I worked till a little bit past 7:45pm and then headed off home. My side of the office was empty when I left. After coming back and talking to Joaquin, then eating dinner and showering (where I saw the spider hanging on the wall), I finally sat down and started planning my lesson for tomorrow.

This time it's a short piece on Caroline Kennedy, and I started digging around for more general knowledge to feed my students with, especially on JFK's death and how dramatic Lyndon B. Johnson's swearing in ceremony was (99 minutes after JFK's death, on Air Force One!). I finally watched the Walter Cronkite clip of him announcing JFK's death, and as I listened I just left incredibly sad. I can't imagine what it must have felt like to live in America at the time and feel so scared and uncertain after a political leader's sudden death.

Feeling quite easily emotional nowadays, urgh. I hope my students don't get on my nerves tomorrow :x

Pomfets

Yesterday I had lunch with my Guo Mah and parents at a Teochew restaurant in Bendeemer. As my father pointed out, the place was filled with families bringing grandparents out for lunch, and we were no exception. My Mum ordered a pomfret fish for lunch, and when it came out it was huge and tasty. I mentioned that this particular pomfret was cooked exactly the way I remember it to be when I was growing up, steamed with ginger, tomatoes and some sour plum thing, and how we no longer ate it at home. My Mum said it was because my Dad didn't buy it anymore because it's now far more expensive than when I was growing up. Then something sort of clicked in my mind even though I knew about the upsurge in price before: I was eating soon-to-be-extinct fish. I started to feel real guilty.

The fish was still nice, but it had somehow lost some of his flavour after that conversation, and I didn't really want to eat it anymore. The though of eating something to extinction made me feel kind of disgusted, like we humans were so satisfied to stuff our faces that we'd kill of an entire species. URGH. Now this is a strange thought for me mainly 'cause I never bothered about those sharks fin boycotts before. In fact, I throughly enjoy sharks fin soup. Now after this whole strange pomfret thing, I'm wondering what my reaction would be next time I'm faced with a bowl of sharks fin soup.

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I watched The Great Gatsby with Gail tonight. My feelings towards the movie can be summed up as: WTF. The soundtrack was grotesquely jarring, the script and directing IN YOUR FACE (really, ending every one of Jay Gatsby's line with 'old sport'?/zooming in on that damn green beacon at every chance?), the party scenes like a club in 2013 and immensely distracting multiple cut scenes in the beginning of the movie. Plus I wanted to throughly slap Carey Mulligan because she portrayed how irritating Daisy Buchanan was, so well. There were times I just burst out laughing, especially when the rapping soundtrack started in the beginning. For all the hype, I felt this movie to be disappointing. Boo.

Rules of Civility

Just polished off Rules of Civility by Amor Towles. I started reading it on a Monday afternoon (was it at the hairdressers?) and am now done with it on the wee hours of Wednesday morning. Towles' prose is beautifully understated - the whole show not tell thing done to perfection. His style reminds me almost of Kazuo Ishiguro in a way. I really liked how although majority of the story is done from a first person perspective, we are never actually told what the narrator is thinking, but instead simply how she reacts and responds.

When I first started reading it I thought it was simply a story about a girl who had to stand in the sidelines while her best friend wheeled in the man she loved, but the story is so much more than that, and brings up little nuggets of things to think about. It is is more about a year in the life of a girl in her prime, and the varied things that happen. I think this will definitely be one of the highlight reads of the year.

"And at the same time, I know that right choices by definition are the means by which life crystallises loss."

Rose Petals

I made my montly sojurn into town today to cut my hair, and do some shopping. I had been putting off cutting my hair for about a month because I still felt annoyed at getting charged a Chinese New Year surcharge the last time, nevermind that I cut it in early Jan. Today I finally caved after realised my hair was getting messier and messier especially when I got flustered at work, much to the amusement of my students.

After getting my hair cut, I went to get some books. I bought Ian McEwan's Atonement cause this particular edition caught my eye:

I also got Su Tong's Raise the Red Lantern and Charlotte Street by Danny Wallace. The latter I bought mainly cause it made me think of THAT Charlotte Street right in the middle of Bloomsbury. I suspect it's the same one the book is referencing. I went to Charlotte Street often last time mainly cause of Oxfam, and always walked off with a ton of cheap books for under £10. Man I miss those days. 

Walking by Guess on the way to Kinokuniya just now, I noticed that they use mannequins that are quite different from other shops. The main difference is that the mannequins used by Guess have massive breasts. I'm talking about D/DD size cups here, which is quite disturbing when you notice it. I know Guess aims for the whole 'I'm a sex bomb' market, but does it have to do it in such an obviously tacky way? Their mannequins scream 'bad boob job'. Urgh.

At Ngee Ann City I also stumbled upon the new Laduree branch, and bought some macaroons. The first thing I did when I got home to was indulge in a Rose Petal one. It was light and fluffy, and creamy in the middle. So very tasty mmmm.

A Wednesday

To be very honest, I thought about posting many times over. Each time I dismissed the though because I felt (and still feel) tired. It was another long, exhausting Wednesday. As usual I made mistakes, because I felt rushed and stressed. And as usual despite all my misgivings, I survived it. I'm blogging however because I realised I have to write something out lest later when I lay my head on the pillow, it churn around over and over, and making me unable to sleep. Gah.

Today out of my 3 classes, I had to scold 2. First time was because apparently the kiddos ran to the male bathroom and decided to lock each other out. Sigh. That still wasn't so bad because I know! They're kids! They do silly shit like that. Hell, even people my age still do that. Just not in the middle of a lesson and in full view of other authority figures. So that was scolding number 1, which was draining.   Still class ended on a high note as I showed them some videos like the Red Panda getting scared, and some PSY & MC Hammer videos that were related to a passage we gave out.

The next was my second class, of tweens. The problem with that class is that every time I scold them, it lasts for perhaps that lesson alone and then they clean forget everything. In essence they drive me nuts with their lack of respect or willingness to shut up and learn. It is very discouraging on my end, week after week, to come in and bear the brunt of their attitude problems. The best bit is that I know they don't mean it maliciously, it's just that they are naturally very playful kids who hate doing work - all stuffed together in one hellish classroom setting.

Unfortunately it's hard not to be upset by them as well, because it is very dispiriting to have to deal with the same problem all the time with no headway. This scolding really drained me, because in a sense I also felt it personally. Last night till past 1:30am I was still doing syllabus planning, and I had planned something extra on the Rama Plaza collapse for their level. I was excited at the prospect of teaching them about the global supply chain, how everything from their $10 H&M t-shirts to worker's rights was linked. I wanted them to think critically about the situation, to open their eyes. To an extent it did work, because when I conducted this portion of the lesson it was after the big scolding. I saw that they were interested. However it was too late for me, and I was dragging myself through it. They had killed my motivation to want to work hard for them.

Luckily my last class was much better. They're a jovial, bright bunch. Initially I had to scold them quite a bit because they loved running to the bathroom, stampeding like animals and disturbing the nearby classes. I managed to wean them off that bad habit after about a month, and today's lesson went swimmingly. I even managed to get a usually mischievous student to cooperate by bribing him with a red triceratops sticker (that he could be bribed by a sticker surprised me and his classmates) that he had somehow fallen in love with. To be fair it was a cute sticker. I even showed them silly videos like the Slow Loris being tickled and they LOVED it.

Ahh teaching. I supposed all in all, you need to take the good with the bad. On the other hand however, why does the bad have to be so bloody bad? 

Nerds

It oddly just hit me how nerdy my office is, while looking through the lesson plan for tomorrow. The Synthesis and Transformation questions were all inspired by characters from Archie comics, while a Grammar Question has a 'Mr. Lannister' in it. It makes me smile a silly smile. 

Test Anxiety

Most recently my students had to read a passage titled Test Anxiety and answer some questions. Some of the funnier suggestions included giving students motivational pencils to encourage them to do better. Regardless, as I was teaching it, I was going "HEH HEH HEH" in my mind as I was thinking about how I didn't have exams/tests anymore. Then I remembered, I did. And the smile slid from my face, and fell to the floor with audible PLOP.

Yesterday was my Basic Theory Test for driving. Although the passing rate is quite high, I was as usual disproportionately panicked about it. It didn't help that my Dad kept making snide remarks, saying that if I didn't pass the Test it meant I didn't have a brain/was dumber than XXX (insert stereotypical dumb person here). He was, and as is always, very very encouraging. So anyway I went to Bukit Batok Driving Centre feeling stressed out and did the test. When the invigilator (in a traffic police uniform funnily enough) said the passing grade was 90% and up (that is, 45 out of 50 correct), I almost wanted to slide from my seat and hide under the table.

Daft panicking aside, I passed, and boy did I feel relieved. I got 47/50. Instead ironically, the one I almost failed was the eye sight test afterwards. Apparently my eyesight has deteriorated, which means I might need to get a pair of glasses just for driving. This is the part where I laugh incredulously at life and my fate, because 4 years ago I went for a $3,000 surgery to get rid of my glasses. PFFFT.

Today I went out for dinner with Steph, Ianthe and JH. The last time I had seen them was probably in Oct, if not near Dec last year :/ Quite scary how time flies... and how bloody complacent I am. I am the sort that is content to be at home most of the time, because I have some mental block against any perceived strain and/or being stuck in a crowd. On the other hand that's quite silly because when I do drag my lazy ass out of my usual Work/Home combination, I do enjoy spending time hanging out with my friends. But because I am so lazy, the thought of actively seeking people and arranging a meeting flitters about my mind for about half a second before I think "NAH I'll be tired."I am an old grumpy shut-in way before my time. 

Books and Heaven

Went for a massage today at one of those TCM-like places. It was painful, yet soothing. I couldn't help but thing, in my strange lull zone then, that a good massage was probably the closest thing one could experience to heaven on earth. I had a whole wonderful thesis all set out in my head that I was going to record down, but as with most things, I forgot about them after a while. In essence it was something along the lines that when you get a good massage, all your physical pains are taken away, and you're lulled into a comforting floating place. Heaven on earth indeed. For the few rare times today too, I tipped. The masseuse looked pleasantly surprised.

Finished reading David Lodge's Changing Places last night. It was an enjoyable a read, and infinitely a much better one that Michael Frayn's Skios. It was much more witty, observational, and relied more on our inherent neuroses to propel the storyline forward than the idea that everyone is inanely stupid. I refer of couse, to the lack of IQ or a brain displayed by any of Michael Frayn's characters. It's almost as if he tried to be PG Wodehouse, but aimed far, far lower. Pfft.

On Saturday I taught one of my classes Blake's A Poison Tree. While teaching it I felt myself grow really impassioned, because it is such a wonderfully constructed and accessible poem. However as always, my students were rather expressionless, which slightly killed it for me. I only hope that some of my enthusiasm rubbed off on them. Then after that I rushed for lunch with a colleague, R, that I often go for lunch of Saturdays with. Coming back about 1 minute late, I dashed into the class that I was assisting with, and tried to suavely wave at the little students. Ended up fooling around slightly with them, nagging them to copy things off the board, and sharpening multiple pencils. By the time my regular class rolled around at 4pm, I felt quite exhausted. Still of course, I survived till 6pm and gladly packed up my things to go home.

Tomorrow I plan to stay at work till late, since Wednesday is a public holiday. I am infinitely more productive when I am in the office. Perhaps it's the stuffy atmosphere, the desk that is the right height and being surrounded by stacks of marking all over (some mine, others my colleagues'), but whatever it is it works. Fingers crossed that it's throughly productive, cause Lord knows I need to clear a lot of things.

On Wednesday I plan to bring my Mum to a nice lunch at a French place for a Mother's Day treat. Looking forward to it, for tasty food if nothing else :) 

Memories and Illness

One of the things about teaching young teens is that when I look at them, I cannot help but recall what I was like at their age. Being giggly around boys. Not giving a toss about my studies. Racing home just so I could play computer games. All those not-very-nice memories about how I spent my awkward days. For some students I cannot help but shake my head, and call them my neanderthals, my animals, but there are also others I cannot help but respect because they just seem so calm and collected, far more than I could seemingly hope to be even though I am twice their age. It is a strange mix, that makes me reflect upon my not-too-distant terrible teenage years.

Yesterday I felt quite ill during my last class. Right before stepping in, I started to get a headache. Midway, almost 1 hour into the lesson I realised I was started to get breathing problems. As a result, I kept coughing whooping coughs and my airways struggled to clear. I wanted badly to sit down, and just rest my body. Except I was teaching, and I needed to teach lest my kids get the whole damn comprehension wrong. So I stood, propped against the cupboards and trying to gather my energies. When I had given them enough help, I finally left to puff on my inhaler and sat down, more than 30 minutes after I had first felt sick. I wondered what my students would do if I collapsed at that point in time (indeed I felt I was only at 30% function). That thought brought me back to an old memory, of when I was 15 years old.

That year I was Secondary 3, and suffering greatly in Chemistry class. We had a teacher that was very old school, and terrifying in an old school way, especially since we had only experienced more enlightened ways of teaching. What I mean simply was that she acted like a mean old bitch, and wouldn't hesitate to tear you one if you made her mad. Except lots of things made her mad. Not knowing the answers to questions, titrating experiments wrongly, even saying 'sorry' too many times made her angry. Boy were we all scared shitless by her and her ability to shred your confidence to bits. There was not a single girl she didn't pick on, and she did it almost methodically. Later we rationalised it was probably to make us realise we weren't as great as we thought we were - because underneath all those hurtful comments we knew somehow that she meant well. Anyway for those of you in the know, it was Ms. G K Goh.

One lesson late in 2005, she started to feel very ill. We knew she had been poorly for a while, and her condition only seemed to be getting worse. She was teaching us halfway when she suddenly stopped at sat down at the desk. She looked pale and said she felt like vomiting. I can't remember if that was the day she also took off her wig, but I do remember her saying she felt weak and needed to rest. Then she lay her head down on the table, and us students just looked at each other, stunned and scared. Although we cared for her in a human way, somehow we never thought of her as being human. That she too felt weak, could get sick and suffer physically. That she would feel so bad that she actually needed to stop the lesson and show her frailty in front of us. She died the following year after fighting for cancer for many years. Right after National Day celebrations in school, we went as a class to her wake. After she died there was much random tears and morose thoughts among all, plus the occasional odd morbid poetry popping from some classmates. I don't remember her death helping much with my already present depression then either.

Strange what I think about now, when I look at my students. 

Worn

I feel very worn down from the seemingly endless and always expanding piles of marking. I feel overwhelmed, and sightly hopeless. Just got to keep plodding on I suppose, but damn 'cause I haven't felt this way in months. This has been the 30th week since I've started working, and I'm 7 months into this job.

16 April 2013

Had a hectic day today, starting out by a gym session that wore me out. Before leaving the house however, I checked the news and first read about the Boston bombings. I spoke briefly about it with my trainer, and he referred to the bombers as 'idiots'. Ahaha. The TVs in the gym featured the News showing the bombings too, but by the time I was done exercising, I had forgotten all about the bombings. Then I rushed to have lunch, get my daily Teh Ping, and to mark Mock Exam papers for my P5 classes tomorrow.

I ran down to the cab stand around 4:25pm, to realise that there was a mega long queue for the taxi and frantically booked a cab. When when the cab came about 5 minutes later, we headed off for Rochester Mall. Upon arrival around 4:50pm, I practically ran up the stairs and burst into class, barking at the little kiddies to make them afraid of me. Needless to say, it did not work. Class went on as (presumably normal), and midway I got really bloated and had a bad headache.

Finally at 7:05pm, I let them run off. Then I quickly packed my things and my parents picked me up around 7:10pm. Got home, and had dinner till about 7:25pm. Finally from then till 8pm, I managed to vegetate like an idiot (with a headache), watching Hotel Impossible with my Dad. He seemed very enthusiastic about telling me that Daytona Beach in Miami was on a Barrier Island. During commercial break he channel surfed, and we ended watching a bit of Fox Sports covering the Boston Marathon bombings. They were interviewing the runner who was closest to the first bomb, and showed how the bomb blew him off his feet. Hmm.

At 8pm, I went upstairs and spoke briefly to Joaquin while trying to finish my marking and grade recording for my P5s. I realised (sort-of) in horror that I might have helped my students too much with their comprehensions, because they were scoring abnormally high, which inflated all their grades. When I was finally done, I ended up playing Tropico for two and a half hours, and then went to shower. I felt pretty exhilarated  and ready to face The Shit of Wednesday. Freshly showered, I went to read the news again (as is my habit) and got reminded of the Boston bombings. Now, I feel kind of sober again.

This sort of reminds me a bit of the 2008 Mumbai Bombings for some reason. I remember feeling quite melancholy the night of prom when I first heard about the bombings and hostage situation. Strange how such world events can influence one's mood even though you might not be directly involved or know anyone who is. I wonder, is that normal?