I really ought to stop the things I do - like reading his blog, since it shouts nothing but casual disregard and things like IT NEVER HAPPENED AND I'M IN LOVE AGAIN.

And looking at last.fm and thinking, "I'm home wasting my life away while he's out and about carrying on like before".

The Alchemist spoke once, before a paper (English? I think), and he told of this girl he clinged onto for 3 years. I can't say that I didn't react to that with complete empathy, "Oh I'm going to be like that too! I'll never get out of this horrid mess I'm in", nor snobbish disdain, "3 years!!! How pathetic! I'm not going to be like that".

Fact is right now I'm a stuck wallowing in a hole, I have no either how the hell to get out and all the same I don't really want to - I don't know and don't want to let go. Call me silly, self pitying and all - but there is nothing to fully describe the feeling of fully letting go of what you once had, even if what was there is long gone. The heart and mind simply doesn't want to face reality - to put in bluntly.

It doesn't help by far with his personality and the fact that we are in such close quarters. The way he ignores me and pretends like we are even less than classmates - the meeting of eyes and the cold indifference I feel shooting through my very being: I feel like I am being erased from everything. Forgotten. One of my greatest fears.

Oh I really should not be saying such private things in a very public blog, but tonight is a night that I have no time to jot it down in my own personal diary. The fluidity of typing also helps me to channel my thoughts better rather than writing it down.

Tomorrow night is OktoberFast, I hope I don't faint and collapse; though right now that sounds like a terribly comforting idea since there is no telling where a unconscious mind might wander.