I think that the worst of it is is that you choose to ignore me, to pretend that I don't exist. When I draw near to talk to a friend, you slowly move away. When I try to engage you, say something to parry a point you've made, give you something when handing out report slips, there's this look on your face, almost as if you're annoyed that I dared to exist in front of your nose after it all.

Beside the intertwining of our lives and experiences, there are times (oh and are they so often) when I listen to someone new, pick up a book to read, visit a place, hear of an upcoming event - and I know almost instantly that you'd love it. Montag, The Most Serene Republic, Miracle Fortress, Eeeee eee eeee, oh the list could go on and on. (Besides that, how much I'd love it if you could help me buy Stars when you watch them in concert - but this is even more than a pipe dream: it's like a marshmallow float dream, I don't dare entertain the thought more than a minute)

I could cry and lament that fact that we said we'd stay friends, but that was only one more lie that you promised me and nothing more. You pushed me away, you left me, you broke me, why are you playing the role of the defensive partner now? Moreover, why can't I stop caring? You have an exam tomorrow, the AO Chinese levels and I actually feel slightly worried for you even though you would not give a rat's ass if a grand piano fell on me tomorrow.

This must be one of the only times I've been able to post a blog post about you without actually tearing, no I'm not over you yet, just a little too hardened now after my last upset to be soft and crumble. Everyone around me can't comprehend why I'm still so stuck on you, they call you bastard and all sorts of other names and they're emotionally exhausted by my constant upsets. But fact is, and will always remain, is that you were simply all I wanted in life, the mind, the interests, the quirks, they were all there. However the most important thing you lacked which was the heart and the soul. Funny though, I was willing to live with that - but you couldn't live with the fact that I actively wanted to do good in life, the fact that I ran out of time and energy to be entertaining to you.

At the end of the day what bites so much is the fact that I asked for so little of you, but you asked for so much of me - more that I could have humanely given without risking my sanity (and goodness nows, IB is good at stealing that from you). However even after it all, the hurt and the pain, I still remain the same - my feelings - they remain the same.

I know it won't be for long however, I don't want to be stuck living in the past forever. I would love to suddenly break out into all the female empowerment stuff, oh it's your loss, you lost me, not the other way round, you're a blasted eejit, but as true as it is (ohohoho!) it's going to be all hollow with me because I still miss you at the end of the day,

especially when I see you online listening to music and popping onto msn.

Baby I'm going on without you
Maybe I'm even gonna get through
But baby I'll tell you something that'll never be true
Baby, I'll get over you

Enjoy this feeling of being loved unrequitedly though, because it isn't going to last for very much more longer (or so I tell myself)! Ohohoho.